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HopeServes -> New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 5:08:34 PM)
Hello all; I am new to this group. I found a blog that sounds strangely like me and was wondering if anyone can help me with it. I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. I hate taking orders and yet I want more than anything to be a better submissive for him. I'm new to this, so can anyone please help me? I'm tired of feeling like I'm disappointing him. Not to mention, I can't seem to follow the simplest rules. I want to be a great submissive for him, but I still want to be me. I don't want to completely change who I am. i appreciate any help or advice. ~hope

sidney614 -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 5:24:55 PM)
Have you asked your DOM what He wants? Somethings I can curve about myself. However other things are the core of who I am.

HopeServes -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 5:27:11 PM)
yes, i have. He is the one who told me to post the question here.

mbes -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 5:31:35 PM)
Welcome to my world, I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch sometimes too. However, I also belong to him, so he tells me when to back off, and I do. If he wanted a complacent, mild-mannered pleaser, he should have kept looking. He's stuck now! [:D]

IrishMist -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 5:44:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes Hello all; I am new to this group. I found a blog that sounds strangely like me and was wondering if anyone can help me with it. I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. I hate taking orders and yet I want more than anything to be a better submissive for him. I'm new to this, so can anyone please help me? I'm tired of feeling like I'm disappointing him. Not to mention, I can't seem to follow the simplest rules. I want to be a great submissive for him, but I still want to be me. I don't want to completely change who I am. i appreciate any help or advice. ~hope Maybe you should instead be asking yourself WHY you want to submit to him.

theRose4U -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 6:10:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes yes, i have. He is the one who told me to post the question here. Question for him: exactly how are WE supposed to know what HE wants, desires or expects? Some dom's won't care if you are all the things you mentioned IN CONTEXT, others would boot you for the door and tell you never to come back even for mentioning and being honest about who/what you are. Funny part about taking responsibility for another is setting the expectations for them to rise to and operate within. That's day 1 stuff.

DesFIP -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 6:28:56 PM)
About the rules. It take a solid month of following this rule everytime the situation comes up before it will be habitual. So if you're told that when you are together one weekend a month you have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and the other 28 days of the month you don't ask permission, then of course you can't follow it. He needs to teach you. When you stand up, he should ask where you are going, when you say the ladies room, then he reminds you to sit down and ask permission first. Is he doing that? Is he capable of teaching you? About the sarcasm and the bitchiness. These are defense mechanisms that you developed somewhere else to protect you. So when you say "you and what army" then he needs to look at you, ask you why you said that, and what should you have said. Is he doing that? Is he capable of teaching you to change? More importantly, has he proven himself someone you are safe with? Because you don't go from someone whose first instinct is to protect herself to someone open and trusting the first week. Or month or even year. You do it little by little as you learn to trust him. Because the more you don't get hurt, the more you won't need those self defense mechanisms. So does he know where those safety mechanisms come from. Does he know who and how you were hurt by? Is he different from them? Is he capable of reminding you he won't make fun of your big feet or whatever like your ex/brother/high school teacher did? And does he have the patience to teach you to not need those mechanisms by not hurting you? Because he only has to act badly once, for you to learn that he isn't safe to be open and vulnerable to.

VeeTee -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 7:48:53 PM)
DesFIP - great response. That actually helps me a lot, wondering if i'm supposed to be "getting" the rules after a single go at it. He will teach me in time and i should continue to do my best and know that it is my best. And maybe not be quite so hard on myself. HopeServes? Don't be so hard on yourself, either.

Acer49 -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/20/2009 10:02:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes Hello all; I am new to this group. I found a blog that sounds strangely like me and was wondering if anyone can help me with it. I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. I hate taking orders and yet I want more than anything to be a better submissive for him. I'm new to this, so can anyone please help me? I'm tired of feeling like I'm disappointing him. Not to mention, I can't seem to follow the simplest rules. I want to be a great submissive for him, but I still want to be me. I don't want to completely change who I am. i appreciate any help or advice. ~hope I think you need to do some serious and honest reassessing of yourself as to if you are even a submissive. You should not change yourself at all. No dominant wants to have try to make you into something you are not. Just because you may not be a submissive, does not make you a failure as either a woman or a human being,. Trying to force yourself to be something you are not is going to make all involved unhappy at some point it will blow up in everyone's face. Can't follow or won't follow the simpliest rules and know the reasons why?

agirl -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 2:04:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes Hello all; I am new to this group. I found a blog that sounds strangely like me and was wondering if anyone can help me with it. I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. I hate taking orders and yet I want more than anything to be a better submissive for him. I'm new to this, so can anyone please help me? I'm tired of feeling like I'm disappointing him. Not to mention, I can't seem to follow the simplest rules. I want to be a great submissive for him, but I still want to be me. I don't want to completely change who I am. i appreciate any help or advice. ~hope Maybe you should instead be asking yourself WHY you want to submit to him. As IrishMist says. I'd also add, ask yourself why you want to hang onto being a sarcastic, stubborn, snippy bitch? The thing is, he chose to own you and that means he chose to own a sarcastic, stubborn, snippy bitchy person. It's up to you BOTH to sort that one out. Changing or tempering aspects of yourself that aren't helpful, doesn't mean changing who you are fundamentally. There surely is more to you than that. I'm not submissive and I don't like being told what to do either, I'm stubborn and contrary, headstrong and occasionally willful........BUT he's not disappointed because he knows that's what I'm like. On the other hand, that doesn't mean he accepts me behaving that way........and it doesn't mean that I believe I can be that way with him, either, and get away with it. Be however you want to be, just accept the consequences of that. The consequences of being the way you are at the moment is that you have to suffer the feeling that you're disappointing him.........Ok, is that a big enough consequence? If you want more than anything to be a great submissive to him, you'll work on it with some diligence.......Just as it's not enough to want more than anything to play an instument but don't have the diligence to pick it up every day and do what it takes to get there. I am not trying to be a great submissive for HIM.........I'm trying to be someone that I'M proud of for ME. And that means being decent enough to respect that I chose this and to be aware of WHY I chose both it and him. agirl

SubOnlyForHim -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 7:04:36 AM)
quote: I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. This one is also all of those things and then some. Sir says to this one that it is fine with Sir if this one is all of those things....as long as it is to everyone else and never to Sir. [sm=LMAO.gif] Those poor unsuspecting souls this one lets it all loose on!

leadership527 -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 7:12:51 AM)
Hope: I'm a bit mystified why someone who hates taking orders (not to mention all those other things you said), would willingly put themselves in a position where they are required to take orders constantly. My off-the-cuff and wild-assed guess would be that you are more in love with the idea of submission than actually being submissive. Whatever is going on, it is clear that you have a major divide inside your own self and you are not going to be happy until you bring the two pieces together somehow. Perhaps the question to ask is, "Why do you wish to submit?" Keep asking "why" until you get past the banal stuff like "it's my nature" and get to real answers.

onlyfreelycaged -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 8:27:18 AM)
I know that with me.. I often need to be physically "put in my place" to bring out the submissive in me. normally that involves lots of pain, or force play. If I get that kind of play often enough, then I'm a much happier, sweeter, and all around nicer person.

mnottertail -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 8:31:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes I'm sarcastic, snippy, stubborn, and a bitch. i appreciate any help or advice. ~hope If that was my womans idea of her core, her bragging on that... I would kick the dogshit out of her on the way out the door. I'M THE ONLY sarcastic, snippy, stubborn bitch in this here house. Ron

oceanwyndsLoves -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 11:22:36 AM)
Hi Op Please know you are not the only one who has faught/fights with this. For me to find my answers was to go within myself and peel each layer of why i was so afraid to release control and surrender? In asking these questions, many answers came to me, many tears, and then something remarkable took place; the submissive within shown herself and she shined with love, grace and wanting to serve another's Will not mine. When i finally met her, i could finally embrace that yes i am submissive going more to slave. It isn't about me or my desires, though in a strange way they are being met but now through a different perspective. I dont know if this has helped, but thought I would share. oceanwynds

whiteslavebitch -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 2:45:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP About the rules. It take a solid month of following this rule everytime the situation comes up before it will be habitual. So if you're told that when you are together one weekend a month you have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and the other 28 days of the month you don't ask permission, then of course you can't follow it. He needs to teach you. When you stand up, he should ask where you are going, when you say the ladies room, then he reminds you to sit down and ask permission first. Is he doing that? Is he capable of teaching you? About the sarcasm and the bitchiness. These are defense mechanisms that you developed somewhere else to protect you. So when you say "you and what army" then he needs to look at you, ask you why you said that, and what should you have said. Is he doing that? Is he capable of teaching you to change? More importantly, has he proven himself someone you are safe with? Because you don't go from someone whose first instinct is to protect herself to someone open and trusting the first week. Or month or even year. You do it little by little as you learn to trust him. Because the more you don't get hurt, the more you won't need those self defense mechanisms. So does he know where those safety mechanisms come from. Does he know who and how you were hurt by? Is he different from them? Is he capable of reminding you he won't make fun of your big feet or whatever like your ex/brother/high school teacher did? And does he have the patience to teach you to not need those mechanisms by not hurting you? Because he only has to act badly once, for you to learn that he isn't safe to be open and vulnerable to. [sm=applause.gif][sm=agree.gif] Can I get an Amen? Seriously, I could not agree with DesFIP more on this subject. It took me well over a year to totally trust MasterK with the heart and soul of who I am. And it was his consistency and reasonableness that led to me trusting him completely.

OrionAndi -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 3:03:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP [sm=applause.gif][sm=agree.gif] Can I get an Amen? Seriously, I could not agree with DesFIP more on this subject. It took me well over a year to totally trust MasterK with the heart and soul of who I am. And it was his consistency and reasonableness that led to me trusting him completely. +1 to both!!!! I found it hard to let it go at the beginning, been a year and a half now and Ive come a long way. The trust is a main factor for me, I well and truly trust Orion with my life, because he has proved to me on more than one occasions that he is worthy for that reason it has made it much easier to submit. Andi.

DesFIP -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 3:28:39 PM)
wsb, just a year? Wow, I am impressed. We were ldr for a couple of years and I didn't really start making headway on letting down those barriers until after living together for two. The easy stuff, what he likes and doesn't like in his surroundings came a lot faster than not protecting myself from him. And yeah, I was sarcastic and bitchy. He would just remind me I didn't have to be, that I was safe. And usually he did this by first dragging me into his arms, his lap. Remember folks, it is when we act most unlovable that we are most in need of love. If we don't get it when we need it, we don't change. It's like only being allowed water when you've just had some and not when you're thirsty. So if his response to you being metaphorically thirsty is to deny you a drink until you already aren't thirsty, you aren't going to change. Part of the responsibility of a good dominant is to see this and to lead with it. Something I've learned from him doing it, fulfilling needs I had given up ever expecting to be filled, and more. Which is why I'm so devoted to him

kiwisub12 -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 5:59:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HopeServes Hello all; . I want to be a great submissive for him, but I still want to be me. I don't want to completely change who I am. ~hope Of the OP's post, this is the phrase that caused me the most problems. Why do you think you need to completely subsume who you are to be a good sub---or a great one? If he wanted a robot he could get a roomba - and have clean carpets as well. But that isn't what he wants. As submissives we have a personality, and our own ways of expressing it. Having said that - being the sarcastic person i am, i also know when to let it loose - and usually it isn't with Sir. He appreciates it occasionally, but more than that, not so much. The problem with sarcasm is that it is an attacking mode, or a defensive mode - not a submitting mode. And for me , it is a habit, and one i can control. And lord only knows - if i can control it, so can you. [:D] If you truly have the desire to control the less than wonderful aspects of your personality to please him, then i am sure that you can. Perhaps you could ask him to tell you when you are being less than pleasing, so you will know what it is about your behaviour that he doesn't appreciate. You don't have to change everything about yourself - just the less than pleasing bits - and incase you haven't realised - we all change something about our selfs in relationships - i try to be less smartarse, and less focused on my craft endevours. It doesn't always work but i do work on them. Everyone makes accomadations one way or another.

bluefireeyez -> RE: New Submissive Question (9/21/2009 7:48:19 PM)
Hope, I can appreciate your post because recently I have been struggling with the same feelings. I have adopted the snippy, sarcastic, bitchy side of myself to defend against those who may or have hurt me. Some times this comes out when I am scared about some thing my Master has talked about. Or, recently, when other hurtful and scary things are on my mind that is not related to Him. What is helpful is that He does point it out to me when I do it. He knows what is going on and He simply asked me earlier if I was ok. I hadn't realized I had snapped at Him until I took a moment to think. If your Dominant is a strong and good one, He will help you with these feelings. Him deserving and not demanding your trust also goes along way. Of course to deserve it takes time and consistancy. Know why these feelings and actions are happening to you...then tell your Dominant. That way you can both work on it together.

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