Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (Full Version)

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Elisabella -> Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 4:29:32 PM)

So my fiance (he's the dominant one) posts to this other website, and a lot of times he talks about our relationship. He doesn't use our names or photos, one time he did put my first name up but when he showed it to me I asked him to edit it because that's too personal for the internet to know about and he did, no problem. So there's no worry that anything could identify me.

But at the same time, I don't like my private actions made public like that. It happened in the bedroom, that's where it should stay, at least to me. However I don't feel comfortable asking him to stop talking about us, because I talk about us all the time, and I talk on facebook and livejournal and stuff about our relationship.

But, on the other (other) hand, when I do post about stuff on livejournal, I make a point not to post anything that he might consider personal or embarrassing. Sometimes I'll make short friends-only posts when I'm utterly overwhelmed with something, but for the most part I figure if it's something he doesn't talk openly about, it's something I won't talk openly about.

And another problem I have with his posts on that website is that a lot of times I don't agree with everything he's said. Like he'll post something he thinks about D/s relationships and when he shows it to me, I'll debate it with him and make it clear I don't agree, but then his post is still on the website untouched and people assume it speaks for both of us. I've been tempted soooo many times to reply to his post and argue with it...but he's my fiance. I'm not going to argue with him in public like that.

I'm guessing he doesn't talk about this side of our relationship with anyone we know...but I just feel so weird about having private things I've done posted there for everyone to read. Especially if he tries to analyze my behavior and gets it totally wrong, and people assume there's this girl out there who does something for xyz reason when really she did it for a totally different reason and then guys are going to use it to justify acting a certain way or whatever.

Where's the line drawn between internet and IRL? I know there's no identifying information but still...it's personal to me. And another difference between us is that he's actively proud of being dominant, and could talk about it to vanilla friends, but for me submitting is something really private and I'd be utterly ashamed if what we did was known. I have no problem admitting the kink stuff (well most of it at least) but other things, things that are totally socially unacceptable, are between me, him, and our maker.

Any advice or insights? Do you think there's some sort of compromise, or is this (no names or pics) the compromise itself?



bluefireeyez -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 4:38:09 PM)

Everyone has their own views and limits on this one. To most people Master is my boyfriend, but to a few close friends they know he is my Dominant half but noone knows everything.

What you are comfortable with is your choice. Is he posting on a forum like this (as I see you have a personal picture up here) or is it a vanilla forum? That would have a huge impact on how I viewed it. People do need to talk about things, especially when they are not able to otherwise.

However, he is your Dominant and he most likely feels that if he isn't breaking out the identifying personal information then that is fine. If you talked about this and it doesn't change the way he or you feel, then it is time to reevaluate the situation.



Elisabella -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 4:45:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez

Everyone has their own views and limits on this one. To most people Master is my boyfriend, but to a few close friends they know he is my Dominant half but noone knows everything.

What you are comfortable with is your choice. Is he posting on a forum like this (as I see you have a personal picture up here) or is it a vanilla forum? That would have a huge impact on how I viewed it. People do need to talk about things, especially when they are not able to otherwise.

However, he is your Dominant and he most likely feels that if he isn't breaking out the identifying personal information then that is fine. If you talked about this and it doesn't change the way he or you feel, then it is time to reevaluate the situation.


Hey :) He's posting on a forum from a game he plays online (second life) that has bdsm roleplay. So it's kinda in between. And yeah I agree that people do need to be able to talk about things and let it out...which is why I'm feeling so sucky about it because I don't want to ask him to stop posting what's on his mind.

I think part of it is when he says something about me or about D/s relationships that I don't agree with...to me that's a public forum and disagreeing about the nature of our relationship in front of other people is just kind of wrong, even though he said that he would encourage me to comment on any post whether I agreed or not. I mean I don't mind arguing about politics or whatever with him, but I just don't feel comfortable telling a bunch of people (who he might not know in person but some of them he's known for awhile) that I think he's wrong about what he posted about.

I guess it's something I can live with, maybe I can just lay down some ground rules as to what I don't want shared and then just ask him not to show me the posts anymore...I mean, it can't bother me if I don't read it right?



AnimusRex -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 5:01:48 PM)

Kim and I are like peas in a pod, in that we are very private people, yet in certain settings, we can be wildly free.

For us, there is a hierarchy-
our impersonal thoughts and activities are available to anyone on Facebook;
our sexual selves are shared with select viewers in a safe setting like the BDSM club or CollarMe;
and our innermost feelings and emotions are tightly safeguarded, shared only with each other.

Maybe you can discuss this in those terms with your fiance, that there are certain times and places and audiences with whom you are willing to share personal aspects, but you insist upon having control over the curtain- when it is drawn, and from whom.

The danger of self-revelation online is that it is easy to lose control of that curtain- people who post racy pictures or deeply personal confessionals that are meant only for one set of viewers discover that they can be released "into the wild" and find themselves on YouTube or something, and having to explain it to a boss or family member.

This isn't a trivial issue- people have lost jobs, children, and relationships over accidental leaks. If this is one of those things that is to be under his control, you need to decide to what degree you trust him.



mnottertail -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 5:04:16 PM)

look, just like out here they are gonna think he is a fake, a wanna be, a wanker, a nigerian scammer, close your eyes and breathe, men talk about how they fuck women just like you girls have sex with each other when you go to the bathroom together, ain't no thang, chile.

Ron



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 5:06:02 PM)

This is the sort of thing that should have been thoroughly discussed before the two of you began a relationship. Duh. [8|]
 
Since it wasn't, you now have three options: Make it a hard limit, just let it go on as you have, or reach a compromise. Yes, you can compromise, as long as you both want to. If he doesn't give any ground and you do, then its not a compromise. Its just you letting him dom you in a way that you apparently are not okay with.

Take a stand, and stick to it. Life's too short. 



bluefireeyez -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 5:13:20 PM)

If that is how you operate....absolutely!

It being in the middle is kind of tough. Is it just his profile or is it joint? Perhaps if it is just his profile, people are not assuming he is writing for both of you? Or, does he say both of you? It sounds like he is encouraging debate, but if you are uncomfortable with it, keeping it between you two is a good idea.



windchymes -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 5:27:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

look, just like out here they are gonna think he is a fake, a wanna be, a wanker, a nigerian scammer, close your eyes and breathe, men talk about how they fuck women just like you girls have sex with each other when you go to the bathroom together, ain't no thang, chile.

Ron


And don't you wish you knew where the peep hole is?



DesFIP -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 6:12:01 PM)

If you don't want to be identified, I suggest you remove your photo.

Beyond that, if you just don't want people to assume he speaks for you, then if that forum allows signature lines, ask him to add one saying these ideas are his and not yours.

That should help for the moment. But if him talking about private stuff is driving a wedge between you, then you need to make that clear. At which point he decides if you're more important than all those online types going 'you're the man'.

If this is something you can live with, then don't read the posts. If it is going to cause distance between you, address this issue now.



Elisabella -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 6:31:34 PM)

Just to clarify a few things - neither of our pics is on the forum he goes to, its just his profile (i made an account once to answer one post, but thats all I've done on that website) and it's not so much that I have a problem with being identified as doing kinky stuff in general, but rather that he has me made out to be like, the ultimate submissive and a shining example of 24/7 TPE relationships and it just isn't like that. I don't know if it's a guy thing, that guys like to brag about the girl they're with, or what...but the fact that he's showing me the posts makes me wonder if he thinks it really *is* like that. And another thing is that since it's on the OT parts of a role play forum I wonder if he thinks he has to compare me to the girls who are role playing slaves and sluts and all that and try to live up to it in real life.

I have no shame in the fact that I'm into D/s, or that I'm traditional in a relationship, but when he posts about what (he thinks) my motivations are and stuff I just want to scream "No, I don't live to please you and you damn well know that. Of course I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of my own happiness...and I have no problem with him roleplaying online just so long as he doesn't get it confused. I mean, people he rp's with online ask for permission to speak - I don't ask for permission to take his debit card and buy a new purse.

The funny thing is we're happy together and he likes the fact that I'm independent and feisty. It's only on that particular forum that he has to wax poetic about the beauty of submission and shit. And yes submission is a beautiful thing, but so is honesty. Why delude yourself saying she does stuff to make me happy when the truth is...I do it because it makes ME happy. Not the beauty of serving, but the sheer pleasure and fun of being conquered and having rough sex. And he knows this, we talk about it a lot.

Do guys do this on a regular basis? Exaggerate their girlfriend/wife's strong points to make other guys jealous?



DesFIP -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 6:46:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
Do guys do this on a regular basis? Exaggerate their girlfriend/wife's strong points to make other guys jealous?


Damn good question. I think they do. Like having a trophy wife so others will envy you.

Have you asked him just this? Because he must know the difference between how he represents you and how you represent yourself.

But to be fair, he may see you as being more like this than you realize, that you have become more submissive since the relationship started. And it is possible that you are clinging to an old self portrait of a highly independent person who just likes rough sex because you have trouble accepting yourself as submissive.

Setting aside the sex, which is where we all start, can I ask about daily life?
If you want strawberry ice cream and you know he likes chocolate, which do you buy?
If he hates peas but you like them, do you include them in the casserole anyway figuring he can pick them out or do you make them on the side so he doesn't have to?
Do you fold his socks for him even though you don't enjoy it simply because you know he detests doing that?
These kinds of boring things are more likely to show how into pleasing him you are than sex which you ought to be compatible with.



DesFIP -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 6:48:25 PM)

And I want to say that for 26, you are amazingly self aware. Kudos.



Elisabella -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 7:17:52 PM)

Aww thanks DesFIP, I try to be self aware, and honest, and (gasp) I can even admit parts of me are turning into my mother! It's scary one day when you realize the way you talk to your pets is the exact same way (tone, words, same freaking cooing sound) that your mother talks to hers. Eek

Anyway to answer your questions:

If you want strawberry ice cream and you know he likes chocolate, which do you buy? Both. Not ice cream, but the closest I can think of is that we get these dessert cups and he likes creme brulee and I like a different brand that makes tiramisu. So we get both, unless I'm dieting. We used to get different cereals but then he started getting one I like too.
If he hates peas but you like them, do you include them in the casserole anyway figuring he can pick them out or do you make them on the side so he doesn't have to? I'd either put it in half of it, or make it the way he likes then have something else (salad or whatever) for dinner myself. But we usually like the same food.
Do you fold his socks for him even though you don't enjoy it simply because you know he detests doing that? This, yes. I do the laundry, cook all the food, pour his bloody cereal in the bowl and get him a drink (the one time he got his own drink I made a fuss that he was making me obsolete) so as far as housework goes yes I'm definitely submissive in that regard. I might moan about it a lot but it does make me happy to know I can run the house and make things in order for when he gets home from work. And there is a reward in seeing the look on his face when I did some major cleaning.

And even with sex stuff, I do things he likes that I don't like...but we realized that kind of thing is enjoyable for both of us if he "forces" me to do it. So yeah I am definitely the submissive partner, and I do do some things just to make him happy but...eh...I can't really get into the specifics.

But we have talked about it (I kinda posted on here to get all my stress out and clarify what I was thinking, sorry board but you're a great therapist!) and apparently his post was just unclear, that only a part of it was about me (which is true) and another part was about his ex, and another part was about D/s in general. So I posted on the thread and said exactly that [8D]

I know he would be happy if I was more submissive. But we do love each other, and we've even discussed considering a poly-type arrangement of bringing a more slave-like TPE girl into our relationship. I've got a bit of a switchy side myself, and I'm actually kind of into the idea, I just want us to spend the first year or two of our marriage as a couple, not a triad.

Thanks for your great replies everyone. And sorry for bringing my relationship drama to the boards, I just kinda needed to talk.



Arpig -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/23/2009 8:38:18 PM)

If you disagree with something he posts, and the two of you can discuss it between yourselves and resolve it to your satisfaction, then WTF? Who gives a crap what a bunch of people in some fantasy game that don't know anything real about either of you may think about it? How can it possibly be relevant to your life?



ranja -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/24/2009 12:35:10 AM)

So he is getting all romantic about things on an internet site... wanders off in fantasy land about the two of you... maybe it is best you tell him that you are honored he wants you to read his writing but that rather not  read drivel... tell him it doesn't do it for you... that you can't relate and think it is better to just leave him to it... until he gets more... realistic about things?



Acer49 -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/24/2009 2:24:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

So my fiance (he's the dominant one) posts to this other website, and a lot of times he talks about our relationship. He doesn't use our names or photos, one time he did put my first name up but when he showed it to me I asked him to edit it because that's too personal for the internet to know about and he did, no problem. So there's no worry that anything could identify me.

But at the same time, I don't like my private actions made public like that. It happened in the bedroom, that's where it should stay, at least to me. However I don't feel comfortable asking him to stop talking about us, because I talk about us all the time, and I talk on facebook and livejournal and stuff about our relationship.

But, on the other (other) hand, when I do post about stuff on livejournal, I make a point not to post anything that he might consider personal or embarrassing. Sometimes I'll make short friends-only posts when I'm utterly overwhelmed with something, but for the most part I figure if it's something he doesn't talk openly about, it's something I won't talk openly about.

And another problem I have with his posts on that website is that a lot of times I don't agree with everything he's said. Like he'll post something he thinks about D/s relationships and when he shows it to me, I'll debate it with him and make it clear I don't agree, but then his post is still on the website untouched and people assume it speaks for both of us. I've been tempted soooo many times to reply to his post and argue with it...but he's my fiance. I'm not going to argue with him in public like that.

I'm guessing he doesn't talk about this side of our relationship with anyone we know...but I just feel so weird about having private things I've done posted there for everyone to read. Especially if he tries to analyze my behavior and gets it totally wrong, and people assume there's this girl out there who does something for xyz reason when really she did it for a totally different reason and then guys are going to use it to justify acting a certain way or whatever.

Where's the line drawn between internet and IRL? I know there's no identifying information but still...it's personal to me. And another difference between us is that he's actively proud of being dominant, and could talk about it to vanilla friends, but for me submitting is something really private and I'd be utterly ashamed if what we did was known. I have no problem admitting the kink stuff (well most of it at least) but other things, things that are totally socially unacceptable, are between me, him, and our maker.

Any advice or insights? Do you think there's some sort of compromise, or is this (no names or pics) the compromise itself?


Instead of saying it is between the two of you, maybe he could make his post hypothetical or maybe speak about a friend ewho has these issues or maybe you could write the posts for him in a way the wording would be acceptible to you





Lashra -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/24/2009 3:41:49 AM)

Perhaps he could put up a signature line that the opinions expressed are his and his alone and that yours may differ, or he could state that at the beginning of the post. This way people would know that these postings are of his opinion and not necessarily yours.

~Lashra



slaveluci -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/24/2009 8:11:18 AM)

~FR~
He's posting stuff online that's bothering you. You come online to tell all about it. Maybe you both need to turn off the computer, have a long heartfelt personal talk and work it out. Then, if you can go back online without offending or embarrassing the other, maybe you could turn the computer back on.

I do not mean that to be snippy but that kind of seems like a reading of the facts as you stated them. I personally can't imagine us living here together and neglecting to work something out while we each go online and discuss it with others. Or, not so much even online, but just discussing stuff at all with others while it's not being worked on between only the two of us. That is most usually a recipe for disaster, elisabella.

What the two of you think and feel and come to agreement upon is what matters. As someone else said, who cares what the rest of the world (online or not) thinks? Don't let outsiders influence what goes on between the two of you. Talk to him...............luci



AAkasha -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/24/2009 8:54:33 AM)



I used to really enjoy posting very personal experiences and erotic passions based on encounters, but I was 100% certain the person would never see it because they weren't online, weren't reading fetish sites, and I never used their name anyway - so it was safe, anonymous and I could be as specific as I wanted without a fear in the world.

Nowadays everyone is online.  If I met the person via kinky sites, they are probably reading this one.  If I post about my feelings for them, or about what we did, they see it.  I have had situations where I post my thoughts about someone, and someone ELSE thought I was talking about them.  That's very messy.   As a result, I don't really post anything about anyone I am currently pursuing or involved with, because while no one else may know who I am talking about anecdotal, the person might read it and read into it, or whatever..and it's just uncomfortable.

I also never post about my physical encounters with my primary partner, or the intimate details of our sex life or what raunchy thing we are doing here or there, it just seems...weird.  I have not quite figured out what that is so, because I used to not mind it so much in my earlier relationships, but ever since I married him, it just feels like those moments should be "private."  I talk in many generalities about the acts we may enjoy or the relationship issues we have, but I wouldn't post a "scene report" or what my latest hockey-induced fantasy is about him or what gear I just tried out for the first time.  I think, maybe, it's because I have real life friends that browse here, and just as I wouldn't feel comfortable sitting across the table telling them what I made him do the night before, it would feel weird having them read about it here.

Akasha



RealSub58 -> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do (9/25/2009 10:43:41 PM)

~~ fast reply ~~

You are doing the same thing he is doing.  TMI !!!

I'd get a GOOD hard long caning and brush if I did this.

Sir's property



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