Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/26/2009 7:06:48 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Where's the line drawn between internet and IRL? I know there's no identifying information but still...it's personal to me. And another difference between us is that he's actively proud of being dominant, and could talk about it to vanilla friends, but for me submitting is something really private and I'd be utterly ashamed if what we did was known. I have no problem admitting the kink stuff (well most of it at least) but other things, things that are totally socially unacceptable, are between me, him, and our maker.

Any advice or insights? Do you think there's some sort of compromise, or is this (no names or pics) the compromise itself?


whether others can identify you is only part of the problem, the real issue is that you know and it is bugging you. i have never been a proponent of airing things on public forums, particularly when i'm in a relationship. that's totally off limits. i believe everyone is entitled to their privacy. while i may enjoy writing it doesn't give me the right to invade their personal space and cast their feelings, shortcomings, and our challenges in the public eye. but then again i'm a very private person.

given the fact you both maintain a presence online, i believe it is possible to participate in forums and make a valid contribution without turning yourselves into the dr. phil hour. while i can understand why some feel and need to share in this manner, i've never been able to wrap my head around it. i invested time and energy building and maintaining a strong support network that provides the ear and feedback i may be seeking in those circumstances. i would think this would carry a larger weight than the opinions of familiar strangers. but that's my bias.

i do believe one thing is certain, the internet should provide a source of entertainment not duress. if you find that your time here is no longer that and the activities are creating unnecessary stress in your relationship, you need to readdress that together and set some realistic boundaries. he's your fiance and your greatest commitment should be to the preservation and furtherance of that relationship, rather than maintaining, crafting, or seeking to overcome an online persona. in the grand scheme of things the latter isn't what brings you joy, its being with him that does. good luck.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/26/2009 10:47:37 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline 		I know it's Ask a Submissive, but I relate to your concern about privacy. 

Elisabella, I'm much more like you about it.

It's something, too, about the value of keeping the intimate experience of each other protected and special and honoring it.  I don't mean becoming isolated within the relationship, and I think it's valuable to share with someone outside about your relationship, sometimes, too.  But in a certain way, with certain people - not just like opening your home for any careless stranger to trudge through.

Regarding your feeling that your fiance appears to be speaking for both of you online, and the desire to clarify to others about that, maybe he would be willing to post a little good-humored disclaimer somewhere where it stays visible, like Disclaimer: my lovely fiance would have you know that the views and accounts expressed here are always mine, but only sometimes hers!

Or else, maybe occasionally you should post something in response to him, not airing things publicly with a full, detailed exchange, but just a close-ended response, you know?

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/27/2009 8:13:22 AM   
AislynLass


Posts: 56
Joined: 7/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Thanks for your great replies everyone. And sorry for bringing my relationship drama to the boards, I just kinda needed to talk.


I found your thread to be very ironic because in your OP and subsequent posts you convey that you are bothered by your fiance discussing your relationship on the message boards that he participates on. Yet you are doing the exact same thing here. Don't you think that he may just kinda need to talk also and receive the feedback of others as you do?

_____________________________

Aislyn

Life is short. bend the rules, forgive quicky, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/27/2009 9:52:40 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone is going to have their own answers to this.

For Carol & I, she isn't entirely comfortable with how forthright I am here. I use real names. There is plenty of information to google us directly and find out exactly who we are. Some of the things I discuss both here and on the blog are pretty intimate although I try not to be gross about it. In the end, between she and I, the answer is simple. She is mine and if I want her "out" then out she is. If some vanilla friend of her's googles me and finds my blog, then she'll just have to cope with the questions.

Insofar as Carol disagreeing with me, she does. Sometimes I even post her responses (she's not an internet person). I don't see any real issue with her having a different opinion than mine. In fact, given how hugely different our personalities are, it'd be kind of astonishing if she saw things even remotely similar to me. Her viewpoints and mine come together at the point of command/obedience. That is all that's required for us.

Another thing..., Carol also would agree with you that my opinion of her "shining 24x7ness" is somewhat elevated from hers *laughs*. I'm not particularly bothered by that either. She looks at all the internal thoughts/fears/concerns/hesitations/whatever and sees something less than wonderful. I see the end result... obedience... and I think it's pretty neat. I got to pains when I post here to be factually accurate, but it's inevitable that I love the woman and I'm putting spin on the ball somehow.

I might point out that Carol believes that I am some sort of cross between buddha, Dr. Phil, and Keanu Reeves... a point which I'm not fully in agreement with *laughs*. Love is just kind of like that. In our case, it has nothing to do with wanting to make anyone else think anything. It's just being dopey in love with all that that implies.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/27/2009 3:03:58 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

~~ fast reply ~~

You are doing the same thing he is doing.  TMI !!!

I'd get a GOOD hard long caning and brush if I did this.

Sir's property


Well woopeeIooo .... we are not talking about you!

As for the OP..... You can't let something bother you to this extent without having a very serious discussion with him about it.
He loves you the way you are and he is going to have to take on board that this sort of misleading chit chat is upsetting you.
Someone else here mentioned making it a hard limit and I think that is certainly something you could consider.
Good luck

Maria


_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/27/2009 9:12:49 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Finesse, dear. Finesse. Go to the other website, under an indentity he does not know, and suggest, in a reply, that perhaps she actually felt abc, not xyz. If you've got moxy, log in as yourself and respectfully explain it in clear terms, rather than suggest it.

As for him posting about your relationship, he's a Dom, he will not clear the subject matter with you beforehand, and he probably gets a twisted and sadistic delight out of both 'whoring' you online and doing a mindfuk with you at the same time.

As with any BDSM activity, THAT aspect, the mindfuk aspect, is something you need to negotiate. If humiliating or embarrassing you online is a hard limit for you, it is up to YOU to make sure he understands that it is just that, a hard limit.

Your other option is to discuss your feelings with him in private.

If it were Me, I'd study my Machiavelli and just Finesse him. But then, you're not Me.

; )

TM

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/28/2009 3:43:26 AM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		.


< Message edited by petmonkey -- 9/28/2009 3:45:10 AM >

_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.


(in reply to AislynLass)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 9/28/2009 10:34:03 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Do guys do this on a regular basis? Exaggerate their girlfriend/wife's strong points to make other guys jealous?


Yes, but apparently, not to the extent that the gals at Birthday Bash 09 in DC do when discussing every nuance of the men they have been with... size, stamina, best trick, girth, things that make they're toes curl, and what oral activities make their willies hard, and how the girls make sure that these men get off properly.

DaddyBoo was stunned at our "candor" as we all talked about the slightest detail...  He asked us what more we would say if a man wasn't in the car. 

So, yes, men talk... but the women I know are worse!

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 10/3/2009 4:24:59 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella


I have no shame in the fact that I'm into D/s, or that I'm traditional in a relationship, but when he posts about what (he thinks) my motivations are and stuff I just want to scream "No, I don't live to please you and you damn well know that. Of course I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of my own happiness...and I have no problem with him roleplaying online just so long as he doesn't get it confused. I mean, people he rp's with online ask for permission to speak - I don't ask for permission to take his debit card and buy a new purse.

The funny thing is we're happy together and he likes the fact that I'm independent and feisty. It's only on that particular forum that he has to wax poetic about the beauty of submission and shit. And yes submission is a beautiful thing, but so is honesty. Why delude yourself saying she does stuff to make me happy when the truth is...I do it because it makes ME happy. Not the beauty of serving, but the sheer pleasure and fun of being conquered and having rough sex. And he knows this, we talk about it a lot.

Do guys do this on a regular basis? Exaggerate their girlfriend/wife's strong points to make other guys jealous?


You're astonishingly honest. He's a lucky man. I don't think this is a guy thing. I think it's a type of personality thing. I've see both sexes do it. Usually it's done by someone who gets caught up in the whole online world is real thing, and that is very easy to do on SL for those capable of suspending disbelief. Yes the roleplaying that goes on there is very unrealistic and "perfect" (until it blows up ten days later--that place is full of very short relationships!) and I think he may feel a need to try to describe his real relationship by these unrealistic standards, because it's what people from there expect. A lot of these roleplayers do not have any experience with real life relationships and their ups and downs and plain old mudane moments. It's very easy to be an absolute slave when you're a little set of pixels on a screen and can just "lose your computer connection" or "get knocked offline" when the fatasy gets to be too much or you get bored. He's probably getting a lot of ego boosting, a lot of praise from others by having a real-life relationship and the temptation can be very high in those sorts of situations, to fudge a bit. Being a "big and important" member of an online social circle is very important for some people.

I think this sort of thing is mostly harmless, unless he starts believing his own propoganda, and it doesn't sound like he's done that yet. He's just enjoying the attention he gets, I imagine. As long as he doesn't slip up and use your real name, his real name, or drop other identifying things into the conversations, I do noth think this will ever come back to bite either you. Let him have his fun, if you can. It's pretty harmless. Not reading that forum is probably your best bet, if you can avoid being curious about it. But every once in a while you might want to use one of his posts as you are now, as a starting point for a discussion of what he thinks is real and not real about the relationship. What does he say, by the way, when you point out to him that his characterizations of you or his relationship are exaggerated and false?

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 10/3/2009 8:23:11 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AislynLass

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Thanks for your great replies everyone. And sorry for bringing my relationship drama to the boards, I just kinda needed to talk.


I found your thread to be very ironic because in your OP and subsequent posts you convey that you are bothered by your fiance discussing your relationship on the message boards that he participates on. Yet you are doing the exact same thing here. Don't you think that he may just kinda need to talk also and receive the feedback of others as you do?


I know it might seem like I'm doing the same thing, but it's different to me in that what I post here is my opinions and motivations rather than claiming to know his motivations. And when I do post something about his motivations, I ask him beforehand, saying "hey why do you do this" or "do you do this because..." rather than just assuming and saying it.

And another thing is that I don't post anything that would upset him. Of course that's easier for me, because he's a pretty open person because he doesn't care what other people think, but I know there are a few things that are just between us and I know that intuitively.

I don't really know how to explain the difference, except that his posts (the ones that aren't wrong about my motivations) make me think "oh my god how could you tell people that" whereas my posts make him say things like 'oh that's interesting' or 'I agree/disagree." At least the ones that upset me do. Most of his posts are really insightful and intelligent and I agree with completely. I just don't like it when he goes into detail about intimate stuff we do, or when he tries to make me seem like some 24/7 submissive when that just isn't true.

(in reply to AislynLass)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 10/3/2009 8:32:45 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal


Yes the roleplaying that goes on there is very unrealistic and "perfect" (until it blows up ten days later--that place is full of very short relationships!) and I think he may feel a need to try to describe his real relationship by these unrealistic standards, because it's what people from there expect. A lot of these roleplayers do not have any experience with real life relationships and their ups and downs and plain old mudane moments. It's very easy to be an absolute slave when you're a little set of pixels on a screen and can just "lose your computer connection" or "get knocked offline" when the fatasy gets to be too much or you get bored.


OMG that is so true, seriously. I mean it's all fun and good to rp it, but it just isn't real. And I don't mind him rp'ing it, I know he's the type of man who would really enjoy having a slave and after we've been married for a couple years I'm totally up for trying a poly type arrangement so he can have that need met. Okay, okay, I'd enjoy it too, but I can at least pretend its an act of generosity, right?

quote:


I think this sort of thing is mostly harmless, unless he starts believing his own propoganda, and it doesn't sound like he's done that yet. He's just enjoying the attention he gets, I imagine. As long as he doesn't slip up and use your real name, his real name, or drop other identifying things into the conversations, I do noth think this will ever come back to bite either you. Let him have his fun, if you can. It's pretty harmless. Not reading that forum is probably your best bet, if you can avoid being curious about it. But every once in a while you might want to use one of his posts as you are now, as a starting point for a discussion of what he thinks is real and not real about the relationship. What does he say, by the way, when you point out to him that his characterizations of you or his relationship are exaggerated and false?


Yeah, the dropping my real name really freaked me out. And when I talk to him about it he said that the post was a big combination of a bunch of relationships with different women and that the only part about me was the part that specified about me, and that it just made it seem more cohesive to put it all as "real woman experience" rather than say "this is about x, this is about y, this is about z" etc.

So yeah he's not living in a fantasy world, I think that mostly it's just like, when in Rome type thing. Like when I'm with my yuppie type friends I act one way and talk about some things, when I'm with my breakcore punk or raver friends I'm another way, and when I'm with my best friend who like me is a punky yuppie type, I act "whole" so...I guess he just talks about some things with some people.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 10/3/2009 9:43:03 PM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
It's just being dopey in love with all that that implies.


No love allowed here

what'll be next - cheer or goodwill?

Mod 11 i'm telling - they said nice things

< Message edited by FawneTwo -- 10/3/2009 10:42:49 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 1/3/2010 4:35:07 PM   
humilee


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/22/2009
Status: offline 		i dont understand. Your Master allows you on this site, but one can not use ones experiences to share with others on what you have and want to experience?

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 1/3/2010 4:51:39 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

So my fiance (he's the dominant one) posts to this other website, and a lot of times he talks about our relationship. He doesn't use our names or photos, one time he did put my first name up but when he showed it to me I asked him to edit it because that's too personal for the internet to know about and he did, no problem. So there's no worry that anything could identify me.

But at the same time, I don't like my private actions made public like that. It happened in the bedroom, that's where it should stay, at least to me. However I don't feel comfortable asking him to stop talking about us, because I talk about us all the time, and I talk on facebook and livejournal and stuff about our relationship.

But, on the other (other) hand, when I do post about stuff on livejournal, I make a point not to post anything that he might consider personal or embarrassing. Sometimes I'll make short friends-only posts when I'm utterly overwhelmed with something, but for the most part I figure if it's something he doesn't talk openly about, it's something I won't talk openly about.

And another problem I have with his posts on that website is that a lot of times I don't agree with everything he's said. Like he'll post something he thinks about D/s relationships and when he shows it to me, I'll debate it with him and make it clear I don't agree, but then his post is still on the website untouched and people assume it speaks for both of us. I've been tempted soooo many times to reply to his post and argue with it...but he's my fiance. I'm not going to argue with him in public like that.

I'm guessing he doesn't talk about this side of our relationship with anyone we know...but I just feel so weird about having private things I've done posted there for everyone to read. Especially if he tries to analyze my behavior and gets it totally wrong, and people assume there's this girl out there who does something for xyz reason when really she did it for a totally different reason and then guys are going to use it to justify acting a certain way or whatever.

Where's the line drawn between internet and IRL? I know there's no identifying information but still...it's personal to me. And another difference between us is that he's actively proud of being dominant, and could talk about it to vanilla friends, but for me submitting is something really private and I'd be utterly ashamed if what we did was known. I have no problem admitting the kink stuff (well most of it at least) but other things, things that are totally socially unacceptable, are between me, him, and our maker.

Any advice or insights? Do you think there's some sort of compromise, or is this (no names or pics) the compromise itself?


went back and read more posts, it's already been said

< Message edited by osf -- 1/3/2010 4:54:44 PM >

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 1/3/2010 4:59:00 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Any advice or insights? Do you think there's some sort of compromise, or is this (no names or pics) the compromise itself?


I recall a girlfriend I mentioned (unidentifiably) in an article I wrote, years ago. Nothing to do with BDSM, simply journalism. She flipped her lid. So I think I understand what you mean, and it has nothing to do with BDSM or lifestyle. I did not understand it at the time, but she had, and you have, the undeniable right to control what information involving you goes out on the internet. A pub conversation about your bj skills is one thing, these are kinda long term records. So - just tell him you don't want, that's your (the both of you) private thing.

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 1/3/2010 6:15:10 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Setting aside the sex, which is where we all start, can I ask about daily life?
If you want strawberry ice cream and you know he likes chocolate, which do you buy?
If he hates peas but you like them, do you include them in the casserole anyway figuring he can pick them out or do you make them on the side so he doesn't have to?
Do you fold his socks for him even though you don't enjoy it simply because you know he detests doing that?
These kinds of boring things are more likely to show how into pleasing him you are than sex which you ought to be compatible with.


I read these questions and I had to laugh. Not because I thought they were funny, haha, but because I had to answer them for my own relationship and it was funny.

He like vanilla, I buy whatever ice cream I want because I know he will eat it anyway most times. The things I leave out of food when I know he will be eating it is amazing! I'm a spicy food fanatic, he can't eat any of that stuff. He has salt in his house. No pepper, no garlic powder, no onion powder, cooking there can be a struggle. I have sat and folded his clothes for him while we talked, not because he asked me to, but because I know he is tired at the end of the day. Over the years he has come to appreciate my taking care of him, but for the most part still doesn't like it (except for my cooking). He's kind of a pain in the ass that way.

Elisabella,

I understand what you are concerned about, but on the other side of that, he is obviously very happy with the relationship and wants everyone to know that even if some of the things he says are a bit exaggerated. Have a talk with him and let him know how it bothers you and see where a happy compromise will be. I'm sure that the two of you will be able to find one.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things... - 1/3/2010 9:22:06 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		@ Elisabella who said:
And another problem I have with his posts on that website is that a lot of times I don't agree with everything he's said. Like he'll post something he thinks about D/s relationships and when he shows it to me, I'll debate it with him and make it clear I don't agree, but then his post is still on the website untouched and people assume it speaks for both of us. I've been tempted soooo many times to reply to his post and argue with it...but he's my fiance. I'm not going to argue with him in public like that.

This will be the first serious post in several weeks for me.....
If you do not have a shared profile, then why do you worry about what and why he says something ....maybe he is just thinking out loud and wants to talk about his thoughts.

My Sir internalizes communication, I externalize.  I do ask if I can post something I am not sure about.  On the other hand, he is so private, I am not sure he would do such a thing.  In respect, if I have a doubt, I will ask.

What he says on his profiles is his business.  He has never given me an opportunity to doubt his integrity, so I have no issues.   He just never changes them once he writes them..that can be a bit frustrating for me, but he has explained and I respect.

Maybe like me, you think too much and in doing do, seem to find yourself paranoid of rejection and betrayal?
I tend to emtionalize alot more than he cares to have time for... I get my spanks for sure things.

I hope I have helped.
One thing I compliment you on...your username is sweet and romantic.

sorry for the spelling and grammar ..too tired to check

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 37
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Uncomfortable about my partner talking about things we do Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078