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Expectations - 9/24/2009 4:57:45 PM

SubOnlyForHim

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It is quite possible that my expectations from myself far exceed those of my Sir. Sir gets upset with me over things, or if I feel He is upset with me I feel panicky. I get knots in my stomach, cannot sleep, and my mind will not rest - constantly thinking how I could've handled the situation better, what I could've said differently, what can I do now to fix it? Most of the time I realize later that Sir just prefers it's a dead issue, He walked away from it, Drop it. But it still tears me up inside knowing I've disappointed Him in the slightest.
Does anyone else have issues like this? Is this normal?
We are working on the body language/speech issues from before and making progress!
Communication is getting better, until I say something stupid or out of line or wrong and then make a million fumbled attempts to fix it instead of apologizing and then leaving it be.
Any input appreciated (even from those who think I could be a drama queen...am thinking more like "Panicked Insecure Troll")
Edited to add that last ) cause I forgot it the first time and didn't want to look like a bad typist also!

< Message edited by SubOnlyForHim -- 9/24/2009 4:58:49 PM >

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RE: Expectations - 9/24/2009 5:59:15 PM

Kalista07

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SOFH,
If i could make a suggestion it would be for you to do a search of the word 'sub-frenzy'...i'm not exactly familiar with what this word means, but i must tell you the desperation you seem to exhibit and the exasperation with which you are willing to do whatever is necessary to keep this relationship alive (despite the fact that it does not seem like he's real willing to work on it) makes it appear that you might be suffering from some of this. My recommendation of you would be to sit back and read the boards for a few weeks..Read the past boards, look up topics you are curious about. Go to the library and check out books regarding BDSM relationships. Talk to people that appear to have healthy lifestyles or who are at least in healthy enough relationships to admit they are human and are working on them. Look for females who's motives are pure...Not ones who you think may be looking to hook you up with their man... Steer clear of men who want to 'show you the ropes' who want to 'practice with you' who want to 'give you a little experience'. It may be necessary for you to gain some perspective on yourself and your relationship in order for you to make well informed decisions about both of them. Unfortunately, due to your short history of postings already it does not appear that you have develped that type of a history here on the boards.
Kali

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RE: Expectations - 9/24/2009 6:16:18 PM

SubOnlyForHim

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I did just peruse the forums for about two weeks before ever posting.
I have NEVER had such trouble expressing myself before. I would've never sought help from total strangers like this before either so I am not quite sure how to say things at times, which is quite obvious because I fumble things on here also. Having to go to someone else for help is *new* to me.
I am a college educated woman. I am the boss at my job, in control of a $2million dollar store.
I do possess that not-so-common gift of common sense.

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just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

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~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 12:01:20 AM

BoundDragon

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I do suffer from this quite a lot, especially as Sir's way of dealing with things is totally different to mine. He likes to rant about something and gets wound up where as I deal with it and try to look at all the options calmly. The trouble is that because he does get so wound up I feel like Ive failed him and am desperate to make him happy again.

I am trying to learn that I can only do so much. I have to except his way of dealing with things is to rant but it's not easy and sometimes do react when I shouldnt.
My job is to let him be him and sometimes take a back seat ad wait for him to ask for help.

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 12:09:01 AM

spookyfe

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I do it too then get into a spiral i cant pull out of. in the end i after attempts to stop me(when i go here i really do go) he isolates me for a few hours or overnight this pulls me back out of it. but have also realised its partly hormone related i then go down the spiral in excellent drama queen style.

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 6:41:39 AM

SubOnlyForHim

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quote:

ORIGINAL: spookyfe

I do it too then get into a spiral i cant pull out of. in the end i after attempts to stop me(when i go here i really do go) he isolates me for a few hours or overnight this pulls me back out of it. but have also realised its partly hormone related i then go down the spiral in excellent drama queen style.

Funny, that is what this one said in a conversation earlier she wished Sir would do! Allow me to sit at His feet and make me stay quiet. *Sigh*

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just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 7:14:40 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SubOnlyForHim

Does anyone else have issues like this? Is this normal?

you've answered your own question when you stated that he considers it a dead issue and it should be dropped. if you see that in a practical sense that means red light, don't move, let it go. since you're trying to be proactive and learn from your mistakes i'd suggest you journal about it, but under strict guidelines. you get a defined amount of time to say whatever you need to say. if you need to set a timer do so. there are free programs you can use for your computer for this vain. once the time has elapsed that's it. save your document and get up. take a walk or do something else. from that point on you've thought and spoken about the situation as much as you're permitted to unless he brings it up again.

i would also suggest you consider meditating, doing yoga, exercising, or embarking on an activity that would expel the influx of energy you get when these situations arise. in addition, readings on mindfulness and how to quiet the mind, particularly during troublesome or emotional moments would be helpful as well. in the end he is your dominant and he provides the ebb to your flow. when his tide shifts you move with him, not in the opposite direction. best of luck.

porcelaine

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 12:08:15 PM

maat

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SubOnlyForHim -- Do i ever. i to have that knot in my tummy and panicy feeling at times. i think its not to uncomon actualy. In the begining for me with my Master i did that all the time. At a point i was forced to take a step back and realy start to think about things. I do expect more of myself than He does, I am harder on myself and sometimes wish he wuld be to. in a verry odd way i come to realise that when beeing corrected this is purly for me. after having been cained or whatever i can allow myself to move past it and to be forgiven. Master understands that i sometimes need this to just let it go and move on. Now its easyer for me to let things go but i am still the one that brings any mistakes to His attention. Not cuz i whant to be punished but cuz i whant to learn.

i cant say i love beeing corrected, i actualy hate it at the same time as i also need it.

To just say relax and let it go, well, i know you cant just do that but as with everything be open with your Master and explain to Him. It might be something He can help you with.

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 12:15:10 PM

BoundDragon

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quote:

ORIGINAL: spookyfe

I do it too then get into a spiral i cant pull out of. in the end i after attempts to stop me(when i go here i really do go) he isolates me for a few hours or overnight this pulls me back out of it. but have also realised its partly hormone related i then go down the spiral in excellent drama queen style.

That wouldn't work for me... if I am ignored or not spoken to it feels to much like rejection & would make me even worse.
If he could bring it to my attention in any other way I think it would be fine... maybe a hard slap across the backs of my legs, just enough to make me jump. I think it would jump start my brain and get it to over rule my emotions.

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 12:18:15 PM

SubOnlyForHim

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I cannot stand to be ignored. It is the worst punishment Sir could possibly give, but at least if I was in His presence it would make me feel so much better.

_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 7:39:03 PM

mbes

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I know it's not easy, but try to listen to the man. If he says it's done, it's done. One trick we picked up long ago was from a Stephen King book: if he says "over, done with, gone", it's time to shut the hell up. Maybe come up with something that REALLY means to you, "that's it, time to move on"?
I do know what you're going through, I have the same tendency sometimes. But really, when I pay attention to what he says, rather than what I feel, it does work out much better.

I need more practice...

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RE: Expectations - 9/25/2009 8:22:07 PM

VeeTee

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I'd have to agree with the comments already provided - he said it was a done issue. He remains there for you , so now it is on you...occupy your mind and your time and focus on something else. Perhaps something else more positive, think of ways to serve him, other things that bring him happiness. He will appreciate that you have gone deeper in yourself to find another level of obedience. Stop the spiral and move upward and foreward.

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