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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/28/2009 9:10:05 AM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

You know, people make this sound like it's a -bad- thing to want to get your needs met in a relationship.

(1) If he made a commitment to provide for this woman and take care of her health and welfare, then getting good medical care and advice (including a diagnostic specialist to diagnose atypical, rare, or difficult-to-diagnose disease) is a baseline for appropriate behavior.

(2) If she can't provide for his sexual needs, they -do- need to figure out how he can get those needs met.

(3) If he discovers that he can't deal with her illness, it seems to me that it is more honest and forthright to be straightforward about that, and to give both of them closure.

I went through this 9 years ago, when my MS wacked out for 2 years, leaving me bed-bound, unable to ambulate, and occasionally unable to speak or see. I had one companion who just couldn't deal with caring for a full-time sick person. We had to work it out, and I made arrangements so that xhe wasn't trapped in that situation. I still valued our relationship, but I've since made sure that xhe will -never- have to be put in a position where xhe has to feel guilty or pushed into providing care for me when that isn't something xhe feels capable of. We still love one another -- but I don't expect -THIS THING- from hir... and xhe doesn't feel compelled to -give- this aspect, and isn't left feeling guilty or resentful because we didn't deal with it and just let it fester.

Sometimes, we don't -know- that we can't deal with something until we're in the middle of it, and I'd rather have someone be honest with me, and help them to find other ways of having their needs met than have everyone be miserable.

Dame Calla

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/28/2009 2:13:54 PM

Lockit

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Actually some might find this strange coming from me... but I agree that a person has a choice in a situation like this.. and even believe they have a few choices. I just believe those choices are not always made on the right information/feelings etc in the sense that there is blaming the ill person for things they had no control over and why the doctors cannot find things, that they don't want sex or their spouses happiness and on and on.

I was in this situation to some degree and had to think about a time when I might not feel up to sex. I did have my answers so that my spouse would not go untended to.

One of the problems I see is that if you can't handle it... leave... go... don't wait or expect too much or neglect or abuse the ill person with misconceptions, name calling or blame or whatever can and most often does happen. Make it a clean break if you can't handle it.

I have respected every man who has said.. I can't do this. I have no respect for those that had to first find fault with me, blame me and those that abused me, justifying their wish to leave.

Rather than talk to us about it, the op needs to be talking to his partner and be honest. He needs to tell her he blames her for quiting on him. She needs to know that. And then they need to decide... both of them... what they can live with. It would be extra nice if he understood that if he does leave... what position she will be in and what could happen to her.. but that doesn't matter to some.

I don't think someone is bad simply because they cannot handle it, though I do have some opinion on what constitutes a relationship of love... but.. it is how they handle it or don't handle it that makes them the bastard/bitch or turn coat or a decent person.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/28/2009 5:16:08 PM

Huntertn

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ok I'm somewhere between a devil and saint? nope , I'm just me looking for answers..to all the ones that advice that at least made sense, my thanks. To those that added their own drama....even my sub had to laugh and decied not to get involved.
Just so you know we will be thinking about all your answers and maybe something will help.Later, Huntertn

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/28/2009 8:24:10 PM

DarkSteven

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Good luck, Hunter.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 12:35:16 AM

ranja

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Good Huntertn... keep her laughing... i think that's the best way back into her pants

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 1:57:42 AM

Sundowner

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn

ok I'm somewhere between a devil and saint? nope , I'm just me looking for answers..to all the ones that advice that at least made sense, my thanks. To those that added their own drama....even my sub had to laugh and decied not to get involved.
Just so you know we will be thinking about all your answers and maybe something will help.Later, Huntertn

Hopefully that will help those whose initial reaction was "selfish" to see a different angle. I hope you (both of you) manage to find a good way through a tough situation.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 2:28:27 AM

WyldHrt

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quote:

I am really glad this works out for you, but I have to say if my mistress knew I was sick and sex was painful for me and she just had to get a nut anyway, I would have to find a new mistress. If she can't wait until I am feeling better than obviously an orgasim is more important than I am and she needs to find a new way to get one.

I'm with you on this one, THB. I've been in the oh so fun grip of severe bronchitis since Friday, and just breathing without coughing til I choke or puke has been quite an effort, doubly so if attempting to breathe while laying down. My appetite has been gone, and I ate maybe 2 meals the entire weekend. If I were required to have sex while feeling this sick, there would be a serious problem with the relationship.
Fortunately, my instructions were to take care of myself and rest. He'll wait.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 4:45:11 AM

Zechriel

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Good morning,
I have been sick off and on for about 2.5 years. None of my doctors wants to say Peri-menopuase, so thus..I suffer. Plus, this January I hurt my shoulder snowblowing and am barely getting it looked at. It depends on how you feel about her, emotionally.
My second Dom, I left b/c of my kitty problems. He wants sex and I just couldn't all the time.His suggestions were out for me (bringing another in) so I left and refused to go back. For everyone's sake really, not just being selfish. Daddy knows my problems and is very helpful-although we do play a bit as we see each other 2-3 x a week. he just knows to stay away from that shoulder or is kitty is really bad-leave her alone. He has his medical problems that I would not leave him for, ever. But I have given him the option in the past, of letting me go and even trying to walk away so he could find someone he could use that way. But he won't let go. He wants me as I am. Maybe she needs to serve in other ways and maybe you need to curb your wants. GASP-a slave said that??!! Yes I did. Work with her or let her go, there are your options.Good luck.
Very truly,
Zechriel

P.S. Oh yes and about being 50whatever..Daddy is 55 and has ::coughs:: problems-so that whine does not mean anything. Do you not think that when we have problems it affects us more than it affects you?? Women are more self conscious than guys, we blame ourselves more...if you love her, ease up on blaming her and work with her doctors, she CAN put you down as someone who they can talk to and nto worry about privacy. I signed that on my new GYN forms last month, That way Daddy can call and ask them what's going on.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 5:16:37 AM

MHAP

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After reading thru this long..and growing "string", The best i can offer is -- 1) get new Doctors- too ofter people trust there "primary MD" with things he/she is not qualified to handle. 2) If your gonna stay to gether the Other posters here are right..get some councling.

Thats all I got.... LUCK.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 2:09:20 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn

varies....stomack cramps, constain direaa,bending over gets disse,[spell check is not working dang it]tired all the time,feet and back hurts, the list goes on and on.

Hmmm... Crohn's Disease??? Info ---> https://www.google.com/health/ref/Crohn's+disease

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 5:52:34 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

I am really glad this works out for you, but I have to say if my mistress knew I was sick and sex was painful for me and she just had to get a nut anyway, I would have to find a new mistress. If she can't wait until I am feeling better than obviously an orgasim is more important than I am and she needs to find a new way to get one.

I'm with you on this one, THB. I've been in the oh so fun grip of severe bronchitis since Friday, and just breathing without coughing til I choke or puke has been quite an effort, doubly so if attempting to breathe while laying down. My appetite has been gone, and I ate maybe 2 meals the entire weekend. If I were required to have sex while feeling this sick, there would be a serious problem with the relationship.
Fortunately, my instructions were to take care of myself and rest. He'll wait.

From my perspective, if I refused to have sex with him because I wasn't feeling well, then there is a serious problem with the relationship. When I had severe bronchitis, I was sick for a month one time, three weeks another time and two weeks the last time. This was all in the span of the about a year and a half. I could not imagine going without sex for that length of time much less expecting him to do without having sex with me. Granted he wasnt' too interested when I was coughing and puking my lungs up, then he just had sex with Alandra.

For us, we do what is best for the relationship. For the most part, when I am sick my instructions are to rest and take care of myself. However, that also means that I might have to do something I just don't really feel in the mood for. As a slave in this house, I do his will. Doing that makes me feel loved, even when it is something I don't like to do. When he doesn't exercise his will, that is when I am most likely to feel unloved or think there is something wrong with the relationship.

For the last few months, I have sometimes experienced pain during intercourse. Sometimes is the key word and I don't know if it is going to be painful until we are actually having sex. There is no way I would want to not have sex because it might hurt. Sex for me, isn't as much about the physical pleasure as it is about the emotional connection that I experience with that person. I don't experience that type of connection with any other non sexual activity.

We are meeting the needs of our relationship and that is what comes first for us. The relationship's needs do not get put on hold for any reason in our house. Since we have all chosen very well in this relationship, meeting the relationship's needs means that our individual needs get met as well.

Hopefully, people end up in the relationships that are going to work best for them. There are all different types of perspectives to consider and no one perspective is right or wrong; it is just a matter of what works best for the relationship that we are in.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 6:04:54 PM

kiwisub12

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So glad you clarified that, Kyra. I must admit your first post had me crossing my legs - and not in a good way.

Your relationship sounds a lot like my own - he is the boss, and i am his minion, and i do what he wills. And sometimes i don't care for his will, but that is the commitment i made.
C'est la vie!

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/29/2009 6:26:45 PM

kyraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

So glad you clarified that, Kyra. I must admit your first post had me crossing my legs - and not in a good way.

LOL my pleasure.

One of the first questions that was asked of the doctor was "Will having sex cause harm?" and that answer was no. I was worried that I would not be able to be of use that way for awhile. I was more stressed over the negative impact it would have on our relationship than worried about the individual impact on myself.

Since the pain mostly seems to happen during a certain point in my cycle, I was instructed to take over the counter pain meds several times a day during that time to help prevent it. The pain also happens when I am not having sex too. Walking down the isle of the store one Saturday afternoon and then suddenly gasping in pain and not being able to move... so it sucks and it is certainly non-consensual! When I said that one day he laughed until tears were coming out of his eyes.

Having sex doesn't cause harm and it does a lot of good for our relationship even if I don't quite feel up to it *g*

Knight's Kyra

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/2/2009 1:55:27 PM

KnightofMists

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aaaaaaawwww... how the ego gets inflated for the sadist when just sticking his cock into the girl causes pain!!!

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/2/2009 2:03:01 PM

Rule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn
varies....stomack cramps, constain direaa,bending over gets disse,[spell check is not working dang it]tired all the time,feet and back hurts, the list goes on and on.

I guess she is seriously ill. Does she have ulcers in her stomach? Has her blood been tested for anemia?

I think that you had better move heaven and Earth to find out what the cause of this illness is. Her physicians obviously are of no use at all.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/2/2009 8:26:45 PM

Amaros

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The selfishness comes about because when she can do this for him, he complains that she isn't doing it because she's aroused. She's doing what she can to please him and it isn't enough. There are times I can't orgasm, but he can. Would he prefer it if I could? Hell yes. But he doesn't complain that the best I can do isn't good enough and that I'm faking wanting to have sex with him.

Even if I can't orgasm, as long as it isn't actually causing pain, I still want it and I still want to do what I am able to in order to make him happy. Being told that isn't good enough, that my motive, my love isn't good enough is hurtful beyond belief.

I disagree, if he was that selfish he wouldn't be worried about whether she was into it or not.

In fact (to the OP), you might be sweating her pleasure too much, maybe you ought to use her, diplomatically of course, meaning when she is willing even if not enthusiastic - I suspect she can't relax because of her son, she might actually feel guilty for enjoying herself when he's in danger - it's a form of magical thinking that if she stops worrying about him for even a second, and something happens she'll feel guilty about it like it was her fault - and at this point, she probably will anyway.

This may well be complicated by menopause, about which I know very little, you might get on google and research it.

I'm just thinking that even if she's just going through the motions, she might loosen up and relax after a while when nothing bad happens - sounds cold, but it doesn't sound like she's exactly having the time of her life the way things stand anyway.

Just a thought, just bouncing ideas - you're in the trenches, I'm just up in the peanut gallery, but anything you can do to reduce her stress will help, these all sound like stress related symptoms to me - it's not quite the same as psychosomatic, stress hormones are real and they can fuck you up for real.

Otherwise, you might have to get used to jacking off, although talking to her might be another alternative.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 10/2/2009 8:30:14 PM >

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/2/2009 8:32:03 PM

Amaros

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And yes, definitely get a second opinion, not all doctors are geniuses.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/3/2009 5:19:05 AM

lronitulstahp

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

aaaaaaawwww... how the ego gets inflated for the sadist when just sticking his cock into the girl causes pain!!!

note to self: never laugh out loud while drinking coffee naked.....this stuff's hot!

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/3/2009 5:48:06 AM

KYsissy

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quote:

tomack cramps, constain direaa,bending over gets disse,[spell check is not working dang it]tired all the time,feet and back hurts,

I'm just going to throw this out there. This sounds like what my wife has right now. (of course this sounds like the symptoms of a thousand other illnesses too).

It took them 8 months to figure it out. She has an infection in the mucous lining in her stomach. They had to test specifically for it, it doesn't show up in any of the normal blood tests.

http://www.helico.com/h_general.html

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 10/8/2009 11:18:34 AM

Contesa

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being a little different here, I don't think your being selfish or any of the crap. I think your being real and theres alot of people doing nicey nice dances around the elephant standing in the middle of the room. Her not wanting to talk about it with you though speaks volumes. If its the stress then she needs to learn some coping skills. The military has support groups for mothers and wives that have active family members in the military. This may help her in feeling that shes not alone and also give her a sounding board with someone besides you.

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