RE: Specific words and symbols

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Specific words and symbols

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Specific words and symbols

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 2:29:34 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

At this stage of my life, I'd be more likely to step away from relationships because of something I DID hear. And have.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 3:03:26 PM

NyDaddysGirl

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

For me, the answer is as different as each relationship and each person is different.

I've been long term relationships where I needed to hear "those words" and when I didn't, I left the relationship and I've been in long term relationships where I didn't need to hear a thing because it was obvious. I've also been in long term relationships that I took "as is" and been content with that.

I will say that it also has a lot to do with how I'm doing in my life during that particular relationship and that as I age, I'm more accepting of taking things "as is".

_____________________________

I have no fear of falling, I just hate hitting the ground ~ Badlees

(in reply to windchymes)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 3:53:03 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

Calla, I try not to be pushy about it, but after 6 months to a year, I generally start to figure that if they don't feel that way about me, I'm not likely to be able to do anything to change their mind. I've broken up with a couple of people over that in the past, even if the rest of our relationship was going very well. Maybe I'm too impatient, but I do need to both be able to hear it, and to trust that they actually mean it/are experiencing it.

This was borrowed from a response to another thread, because I have a question -- not just for the original author of the above, but for anyone who feels interested in answering...

I didn't want to hijack the Building Love thread, but I'm curious... if everything else is working, and you're, in general, happy... do you still feel compelled to have to hear specific words or have specific things (like a collar or engagement ring or wedding band) before you allow yourself to find lasting joy in the relationship or believe that the relationship is real?

Would you leave a generally happy, fulfilling relationship just because there -weren't- specific words used by the other person to describe that relationship, even if everything -happening- in the relationship was exactly what you were looking for?

Thanks everyone, in advance, for your responses.

Dame Calla

keep communication open, be flexible and don't try to fix what is not broken

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 4:59:38 PM

oceanwyndsLoves

Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline

I would not leave a relationship for a lack of a word or a symbol. In my marriage, late hubby never said the word love until he was dying. That was 29 years of marriage and i always knew he loved me. From his death, i decided to use this word 'love' that even I at one time felt it carried empty promises. I told ex Sir that i loved him, he did not love me. That though did not end our relationship, his heart belong somewhere else and always will, and acceptance of that left us as friends. Sir tells me he loves me and it is easy for me to say it to him, but to be honest hearing him tell me he loves me is an odd feeling/sensation. I am accepting of it and just letting things grow. It is a word that has not been used towards me in most of my life, so now i find it ackward to hear.
Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to Acer49)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 6:06:31 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

*adores oceanwynds*

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to oceanwyndsLoves)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 9:04:11 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

looking4princess, I'm the one she quoted in the OP, so perhaps I can explain where I'm coming from better. I *was* happy in all of the other areas of the relationship. However, it made my heart ache, knowing he didn't return my feelings. It made me feel rejected and insecure, especially if he said flat out that he didn't love me, but liked me a lot, was attracted to me, and cared about me. That seems more like a "friends with benefits" kind of dynamic than a romantic relationship. Yes, it's hard to put things into words at times, and I try to be understanding of that, but it eventually made me back off and try to suppress the way I felt toward him. In one of the two relationships that I broke off after over a year for this reason, we got back together about 4 or 5 months later. I missed him, he missed me, once I started venturing back into dating, nobody else seemed to be able to stack up anywhere close to him. We still had tons of chemistry, a strong D/s interaction, he invited me along to holidays and other important things with his relatives and friends, we had several interests in common and supported each others' hobbies. It went better the second time, and after a few months, he started drawing a little heart on my skin to "say" it without words. I thought that was incredibly sweet, but did still miss him expressing it verbally in some way. After another year or so, he wasn't doing even that very often. I started feeling a little sad about it, sometimes even in tears when a romantic song came on, or when I thought about it, or when I saw people who *were* in love interacting. Even when I didn't cry, it sometimes made my heart literally ache and my breath come short. Most of the time, we were busy having fun, doing things together, but it just got so lonely at times, and I finally couldn't take it anymore.

agirl, I respect that you don't need that in your relationship, but I couldn't sign up for that. It would be as pointless as dating one of my gay friends that I've been close to for 5 years. They're affectionate, gentlemanly, compliment me a lot, go dancing and out to dinner or movies or parties with me, they care about me a lot, I can call them if I need help or someone to talk to. It would be absurd to expect romance from them, though! I do have a somewhat similar dynamic with my playpartner, but she isn't my girlfriend, and we aren't doing anything overtly sexual. So, that helps me compartmentalise better. Plus, I already have a boyfriend/Master, who I can interact with in those ways.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 9/29/2009 9:06:55 PM >

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/29/2009 9:46:20 PM

looking4princess

Posts: 165
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

looking4princess, I'm the one she quoted in the OP, so perhaps I can explain where I'm coming from better. I *was* happy in all of the other areas of the relationship. However, it made my heart ache, knowing he didn't return my feelings. It made me feel rejected and insecure, especially if he said flat out that he didn't love me, but liked me a lot, was attracted to me, and cared about me. That seems more like a "friends with benefits" kind of dynamic than a romantic relationship. Yes, it's hard to put things into words at times, and I try to be understanding of that, but it eventually made me back off and try to suppress the way I felt toward him.

Clearly, Andalusite, what you say here paints an entirly different portrait. Not having romantic feeling for you is waaay different from having them and being an inarticulate guy. If you were rejected then it was certainly time to move on to find what you really need, if you are lucky enough to find it. It is a hard decision to "back off and try to suppress the way" you feel because we humans are so damned needy for companionship. Sometimes, often times it takes a hell of a lot of courage to say "I'm outta here, buster."

_____________________________

vincent....

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? I ask you.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 2:50:34 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

agirl, I respect that you don't need that in your relationship, but I couldn't sign up for that. It would be as pointless as dating one of my gay friends that I've been close to for 5 years. They're affectionate, gentlemanly, compliment me a lot, go dancing and out to dinner or movies or parties with me, they care about me a lot, I can call them if I need help or someone to talk to. It would be absurd to expect romance from them, though! I do have a somewhat similar dynamic with my playpartner, but she isn't my girlfriend, and we aren't doing anything overtly sexual. So, that helps me compartmentalise better. Plus, I already have a boyfriend/Master, who I can interact with in those ways.

I didn't say I didn't need to FEEL loved.......lol

I just don't need to BE loved to FEEL loved.

He may very well not *love* me but he's done a fantastic job of making me feel very loved.
All this means is that what makes me feel loved wouldn't make you feel loved.

If he said * I love you* ...... what would change in our relationship? Nothing is the answer.

I already have consistant and constant......... attention, thoughtfulness, passion, fun, excitement, thrills, unfailing support, enduring interest, deep affection, tenderness, sex aplenty, guidance, understanding, patience, shared interests, exploration............ for many years.

That's what I signed up for .......What could *I love you* add?

agirl

(in reply to Andalusite)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 3:56:10 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
What could *I love you* add?

agirl

For you, nothing because you don't need to hear it.
But there are people who do need to hear the words and without that, they can't feel loved.

Gary Chapman, 5 Languages of Love is the book that explains this thoroughly.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to agirl)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 5:49:05 AM

oceanwyndsLoves

Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

*adores oceanwynds*

awwwww, thank you;)

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 5:51:05 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
What could *I love you* add?

agirl

For you, nothing because you don't need to hear it.
But there are people who do need to hear the words and without that, they can't feel loved.

Gary Chapman, 5 Languages of Love is the book that explains this thoroughly.

I'm only too aware that some people *need* to hear it. I was explaining the reason that I don't, because it's a slightly different view and thought it was worth giving.

Also, I was making sure that I was clear to Andalusite that I'm not in some joyless desert....lol

I just need to understand his *language* .......not expect him to start speaking mine. And Vice versa.

agirl

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 9:03:59 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

But there are people who do need to hear the words and without that, they can't feel loved.

Hopefully they don't get involved with a mute.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: Specific words and symbols - 9/30/2009 9:05:23 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I just need to understand his *language* .......not expect him to start speaking mine. And Vice versa.

20 points.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to agirl)

Profile

Post #: 33