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meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 9/29/2009 4:03:17 PM

mownedbyYou

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Joined: 8/6/2008
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            I wasn't sure if this would be a General Discussion question or one that goes here. I'm looking for the point of view from dominant women mostly, so I decided that this would be the best spot.

           I just started talking to a dominant woman through this site and she lives close to me. We haven't discussed meeting up yet, but I believe that we may eventually. I've never met anyone dominant before in real life, nor have I met anyone through the internet before. I know to be careful about everything, but I'm unsure of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the "courting" process of a Domme/sub relationship.

           Like I said before, I'm not certain that we will meet, I do want to be prepared in the event that we do. My main questions are;

-Is it alright for a sub to ask a Domme to meet up for a drink or a date first, or is that something that would be pushy and avoided unless she brings it up?

-In the event that we do end up going out, would it be acceptable to treat her more casual at first or should I be open to showing my submissive side right off the bat. I don't want to hide my personality, but also don't want her to think I'm just interested in submitting to her and not her as a person.

-Lastly, if there are any Domme's out there that have had pleasant experiences on "first dates" with sub men, what made it a positive date? Are there any tips you could share with me about what a sub could do increase his appeal and impress the person he's with initially?

           Feel free to answer any or all parts of this question. Thank you all.

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 9/29/2009 4:08:03 PM

mnottertail

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You should ask, that is a time tested courting rule.

You may show the better side of your submissive MANNERS, deferential is good. All dicks in the pants ALL NIGHT LONG as well as all thoughts that could possibly include a dick, for other issues, open the door, please and thank you, eat with the mouth closed, inquire of her (and fulfill) her petty (and I do NOT mean that in a sexual or derogatory sense) needs.....I mean her trivial ones. Dress nicely, wash up about 4 times, make sure you have money, wallet, cards, gas in the car, oil changed whatever it takes, a cell phone with full battery......plan for serene comfort.

Do you get what I said?

Ron

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 9/29/2009 4:40:35 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Please allow Me to preface this comment with saying that My answers here are not going to be the most popular ones. I am saying that due to responses that I have seen from other Dominant woman on prior threads of this nature. Quite frankly, I'm in the minority.

-Is it alright for a sub to ask a Domme to meet up for a drink or a date first, or is that something that would be pushy and avoided unless she brings it up?

Yes, it is absolutely ok. However, I am more likely to do a first meet during a munch or a BDSM event that I was already planning to attend. There have been some exceptions to this over the years, but it doesn't happen often.

-In the event that we do end up going out, would it be acceptable to treat her more casual at first or should I be open to showing my submissive side right off the bat. I don't want to hide my personality, but also don't want her to think I'm just interested in submitting to her and not her as a person.

I want to see some signs of a person's submissive nature right off of the bat. If that's who you really are in your personality, you're not hiding it. I'm not here to date vanilla males. I have no interest in them. If a person presents themselves in completely a vanilla way, the first meet is not going to result in a second meet. I want the topic of BDSM (not sex) to come up over coffee. I want to hear a submissive's views on what drew him to identify as such. Yes, I want him to open doors, offer to arrange to have My drink refilled, and ask Me if he can be excused from our conversation to use the men's room. I'm not asking for anything overt and nothing that wouldn't be observed by others than anything besides (oh My goodness!) good old fashioned manners. I'll see it and that's all I need to know.

-Lastly, if there are any Domme's out there that have had pleasant experiences on "first dates" with sub men, what made it a positive date? Are there any tips you could share with me about what a sub could do increase his appeal and impress the person he's with initially?

In all honesty, I wouldn't know where to start. Darn near all of My first meets with submissive males I have viewed positively.

As for tips, please consider what I wrote above. Keep a good balance between the various aspects of you, including your submission and interests in various topics, and you'll do fine.

ETA After all of the brew ha ha on recent threads, I'd also suggest that you offer to pay for coffee.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 9/29/2009 4:41:52 PM >

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 9/29/2009 5:56:26 PM

StoneFox

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
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That was a great answer :)

To respond to his last question...

In August I met us with a Switch I met on here who was interested in enjoying his sub side a bit more. We had talked a good bit online before meeting and it actually took months of waffling around before we actually met up...but I have to say, it was fantastic. Spent the whole day together. I knew I liked him a lot as a person beforehand and in person he submitted easily and willingly which pleased me. Downright chivalrous even, which was GREAT.

He's my regular playmate/companion now.Though we're not exclusive I will say that...I'm not interested playing with anyone but him right now. I got to know him, met him, connected with him, bonded to him. I'll be heartbroken when I have to leave him of course, but in the meantime I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him as a person, and a the Switch who gives his submission to me :)

Best of luck!

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 10/11/2009 11:22:03 AM

GoddessSpitfire

Posts: 45
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in response to question one I think that if your interested you should go ahead and ask her. What is the worst that could happen? she could say no. Whats the best she could say yes. you never know unless you ask so get some balls and ask her.

question two- I think you should do a little of both here show her your submissiveness but also get to know her. Dont let it become all about the submissiveness or she may get bored.

question three- hmm let me think, things that make it great are the simple little things, opening the doors for her, letting her order first, paying for the bill, make sure your on your best behavior, be a gentleman. Dont ask sexual questions but be ready to ask questions. Most people love to chat about themselves so ask questions and pay attention to the answer as it may have more meaning later on in the relationship.

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 10/11/2009 12:07:31 PM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
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I have had many positive first dates, and I think the advice given above is very sound. Yes, if you are interested, offer to buy her a coffee or lunch. There is no harm in expressing your interest in Her. If she declines, wait a few days or a week, and ask her again. Don't retort with, "well, when you're ready, let me know" as that sounds bossy.

Do be yourself, and a gentleman. If she is there, it's because she wants to get to know you, too. Remember this and don't get caught up in the mental bondage that could turn you into a robot. What I mean is, don't wait for her to ask you questions or tell you what to do. Being proactively, *into Her and Her comfort/desires* is important, but be considerate in finding out what they are and don't be pushy. My boy asks on a regular basis, *what can i do for You?*. Sometimes I know exactly what I want from him, and sometimes, I'm more in the mood for his creativity to surprise Me pleasurably.

I believe there is *give* energy, and *demand* energy. For instance, in asking what he can do for me, I can sense whether he is being kind, or if he *needs* an answer. If he's being sweet, I don't get a sense of having to come up with a particular answer. That is genuine *give* energy. If, however, it feels more like a *demand* for an answer, that is a turn-off. From the submissive side, not being attached to the outcome with a particular expectation is what can make the difference.

What has made many of my first dates positive was the fact that we both brought interesting topics to the conversation. The submissive enjoys his life. We had shared interests outside of BDSM. Maybe he told me a funny story about something that occurred when he was growing up. Or, if his childhood wasn't that pleasant, he shared it with a mature, balanced outlook that told me he'd processed through it and it wasn't a negative in his life anymore. Remember, you are half of a relationship and just as you find great pleasure in your partner and Her experiences, she also finds you to be value-added in her life. Be casual, but respectful as Lady P stated above. If she would like a more formal interaction, she will prompt you. Prompting can be part of Her fun, so don't deny her of it. <grin> If you are automatically formal, you took the choice from Her, and that is not what you want to do.

Lastly - go into the meeting with minimal expectations. You're going to have coffee/lunch, etc. Hopefully, you'll make a new friend, and anything else would be *a bonus*. I've met a lot of great guys, who will make some Lady very happy, but they just weren't for Me. If there isn't a click, it doesn't mean you or She did anything wrong. :)

Best of luck,

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 10/11/2009 12:14:18 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
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It kind of depends on what kind of relationship that you two have established by the time you get ready to meet. Mine asked me out on the first date, I didn't mind.

With me, I always insisted that we are just two people until I put a collar on you. Since what I was looking for was not only a slave but a companion, I wanted to see the real him, his real personality, not just a bunch of slave speak. No one had the right to call me Mistress until I am actually your Mistress. So with me it was always just a regular first date type situation. Just be a gentleman and respectful.

Mine was a gentleman on our first date, it was just two people meeting learning about each other, but I could see his submissive side clearly without him even trying. He later mentioned he could see my dominant side, and I know I wasn't trying..lol. We just seemed to click.

I've had a lot of bad experiences in meetings, but the last first date I had....well....I married him and he is a perfect slave, or at least I think so..lol....so I say that was a very good experience...lol

If you need to talk I'm always available on the other side.

Just take it slow, learn about each other, and have fun!

Good luck on your first date!

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 10/11/2009 12:23:54 PM >

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RE: meeting up with someone I met through collarme - 10/11/2009 1:20:12 PM

PolyVinyl

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Joined: 7/28/2009
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Oh man....all this stuff on top of the rules to date a vanilla chick. I'm so gonna screw this up lol.

Just kidding.. sort of. My friend is a Mistress, she and her boy just hang out all the time and do more than bondage stuff. You could easily see that if they were both vanilla, they'd connect as well as they do in terms of D/s..

My point is, there are constants to any relationship... so just in case you come across a situation you hadn't stopped and asked about here, (which is quite possible) then...go with your instincts. My guess is that going out with a potential Domme is like going out with a regular girl, though you have to go further out of your way to be polite and just read the flow.

You'll be fine Man!
Best of luck,
polyVinyl

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