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RE: learning to trust again - 10/6/2009 2:04:51 PM

badlilthang

Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
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quote:

Its a balancng act of two lives to make one feel complete.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

I am not the smartest person in the world - but two people? i count at least 4 people here. 2 separate marriages - 2 cheaters - 2 getting cheated on...

what goes around comes around - he probably was done playing Dom and went back to his wife...

if you are not fullfilled in your marriage - may i suggest either 1. get out or 2. make an effort to make the marriage work by oh, i dunno..talking to your spouse about your "darker" needs? Many play outside their marriages - but rarely do i see it end well when it is done by a lie and in hiding...if it is an open communication and a strong marriage that allows space - having a submissive outside the marriage or serving a Dom might just be the perfect solution..

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RE: learning to trust again - 10/6/2009 2:26:02 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
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I find it ironic that a woman who is cheating on her husband/family is out here complaining about how hard it is to trust again. (OsideGirl)

Me too.

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Post #: 22

RE: learning to trust again - 10/6/2009 2:51:12 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I see having a partner/spouse, as having a best friend. If you can lie to a best friend, then you can lie to anyone. If you are just an anyone... and you are if you aren't the spouse your dom was lying to, you need to expect that you can be lied to as well. There is no justification in lying.

Learn your lessons, they are harsh one's... but learn them. Only then can you trust yourself to do the right thing and will find people worthy of your attentions because you are doing the right thing.

Anything started with a lie involved will end with lies because there was never honesty in the first place. The problem here just may be that his wife found out about the lie. When you put a marriage, children, belongings on the line for a little online justification of what you can't deal with, with your spouse... this is what happens. Be glad you got out as safe as you did. He could be facing divorce if he contacts you... It wasn't meant to be...

Lick your wounds... but don't forget the lesson or you will be doomed to repeat it in your selfish need. And no one can convince me it isn't selfish when two people risk harming others to get their needs met. Go talk to your husband... or forget the need to trust again, because you will be repeating the same lie, just with a different person.

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Post #: 23

RE: learning to trust again - 10/7/2009 5:50:06 AM

lwcisback

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/2/2009
Status: offline

Your post struck me first, then your id, and the responses on here even more so :)

First, i understand i think most all of what you have said, i found myself in that same exact ship earlier this year as well. However the Dom i was with was not married, was in a live in situation with a SO, both of us have grown children, his SO knew of me, and my spouse knows of my darker desires, but also feels i am a very very sick woman for them, and wants nothing to do with it. This does not mean that i have his blessings in what i do, but it is a valid need that i tried for years to bring to him that i was put down and pushed aside on. Does it make it right that i now live the lifestyle outside my marriage? Most likely not, but that is for only me and my Dom to judge.

There are MANY people both on this site and within the local communities who are living a dual lifestyle with spouses blessings, and many without. It does leave both more vunerable and open to the misdoings of what SHOULD be a trusted partener either way, and a risk that needs to be taken into account for when making such choices. Basically, live quietly, love strongly, and walk very tenderly, be ready at any time to be held accountable for what YOU choose both as a submissive and a person.

As for your id.. and i did try to look up your profile and was not able to, are you by chance from MN? If so.. cheers...smiles.. and im definatly in the same ship..

(in reply to Lockit)

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Post #: 24

RE: learning to trust again - 10/8/2009 8:17:42 PM

wildangel3825

Posts: 15
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline

He most likely was caught and had to make a choice. As most married men do...he choose the wife. He is probably currently on "lockdown" and trying to make his marriage work. But, this like all responses here are just guesses. Maybe he met another sub he wanted to play with and did not know how to be honest with you. Whatever his reason...it is not justified. When he chose to go into your relationship he should have been man enough or Dom enough to just tell you the truth. I have noticed some Doms seem to just disappear out of their subs life and many times turn up later acting like nothing happened. It is sad it happened to you. I do not judge the marriage situation..I do not know you or him personally so I will not judge it. But, you need to take time to heal. Try to focus on the things you learned and move on. Ending a BDSM relationship is never easy.

(in reply to lwcisback)

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Post #: 25

RE: learning to trust again - 10/9/2009 7:14:34 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wildangel3825
When he chose to go into your relationship he should have been man enough or Dom enough to just tell you the truth.

You're kidding, right? He's lying to his wife and you think he should be man enough to tell the truth to the other woman? He's already proven that he's not man enough to tell the truth.

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Post #: 26

RE: learning to trust again - 10/9/2009 2:30:23 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wildangel3825

Ending a BDSM relationship is never easy.

Ending ANY relationship is difficult... in my opinion, the BDSM component is moot.

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Post #: 27

RE: learning to trust again - 10/9/2009 8:35:41 PM

VeeTee

Posts: 45
Joined: 7/25/2009
Status: offline

married, not married. Whatever...that's a whole other thread. But to the OP, your question was how do get to that trust thing again? As others have said, give it time AND make a conscious effort and make the decision that you will get out there and trust again. been burned in vanilla and in M/s land...neither are enjoyable and both mess with the trust thing. But M/s abandonment hurts on a whole different level. Give it the time you need, and keep your ears and eyes open wide next time around.

(in reply to justagirlinzh)

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Post #: 28