RE: What is Normal? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid



Message

pahunkboy -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 10:14:04 AM)

In regards to the OP- the originating post-

I am thinking that the topic was discussed and well thought out- and looked at.  

--->  Give a man a fish feed him for a day; ... teach him to fish- feeds him for a lifetime....



IrishMist -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 10:16:40 AM)

quote:

as she was teasing..I would see it as a compliment.
Not normal...is often used for different....not bad.
You don't seem to limit her in soem things...while other parents might do that...that is "not normal "in her eyes.

Don't get me wrong lol...I was not upset with what she said...I found it amusing if the truth be known..but as soon as she said that, the question popped in my mind...What is 'normal' anyway lol. And darn it, it won't leave.
It's not the first time that this has come up; my unorthodox way of raising her that is lol. It's actually something that we laugh about quite often. I often tease her that I can't be a normal mom because she refuses to be a normal teenager...meaning that I still have not gone through the 'horrible teenager years' with her yet. I keep waiting for it though lol. [:D]
How sad is that lol? Waiting for your teenager to act out. Or even worse...hoping for your teenager to act out.
Dayum. I seriously need my head examined lol.

quote:

One other thing; in AA there is a saying "You are only as sick as your secrets:. I believe this implicitly. There are no secrets here. There are subjects that make me uncomfortable at which point I acknowledge that and ask for a couple of minutes to think about how to say it. But uncomfortable or not, I still talk about it.

I have never heard that. I like it lol.
Ok, this is going to be a really nosy question but I am really curious. What kind of subjects make you uncomfortable?
I only ask because there are times that she gets a bit...not embarassed...but more like frustrated...with me when I start talking about something...that's usually when she pops off and says ' You should not be telling me this , be normal" to which my response is always the same " I will be when you are" lol. Its a standing joke between us, one that often has us laughing for quite some time.

Termy
SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCHES [:D]
Had to do that; could not resist.

Maybe I should not enjoy my relationship with her so much lol. But, dayum, she is just so much fun to argue, discuss, banter, and tease back and forth with. And yes, she gives back just as well as she takes...sometimes better [&:]



Justme696 -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 1:04:51 PM)

Haha

funny when parents discover their kids are so similar to them ;)  confuse people :P


sorry..TJ here
CM messes with my profiles ( even delete ones re-appear)



TurboJugend -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 1:08:00 PM)

Me that is... 



Acer49 -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 2:23:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Ok. I am struggling with this question here ( in the sense that I am not sure that I can get across what exactly I wanted to say and ask ).

Something that DomKen said in another post prompted me to ask my daughter something last night. He made the statement about 'why are you letting a 15 year old make life/death decisions'. Now, granted, this was in regards to the HPV thread that is currently going on; but, it actually got me thinking about it.

Now this is not so much about letting her make life/death decisions; but rather about the unorthodox way that I chose to raise her...I guess...I think...LOL ( I did say I was struggling with this one )

Let me give a bit of background before I actually ask the question that I wanted to ask.

It's no secret that I have raised her on my own since she was three. By choice...not a good one I think sometimes because I basically deprived her of a male influence in her life...but that's beside the point. My upbringing was such that my mother never talked with us girls...I mean about absolutly NOTHING. Not about sex, not about drugs, not about men...about nothing. Everything I learned, I learned from my older sister and from the street gangs that I hung with. I think that because of not having someone talk to me when I was younger; that I have made it a point to always be there to talk with my kids. Openly, honestly, bluntly, without regard to age or subject matter. If they were old enough to ask me the question; they were old enough to receive a very honest answer ( that has been my philosophy ). Because I thought this way; my youngest was 6 when she asked me how babies were made...I told her the truth...in very explicit terms. Over the years, there has not been a single subject that I considered taboo where she was concerned. We have talked about drugs; we have talked about sex; we have talked about diseases from unprotected sex; we have talked about the pro's and con's of marriage...just about any subject that you could think of, we talked about it.

Now, mix in all this with the fact of religion. I am not a religious person. I have not set foot in a church of any kind since her daddy passed away; and I have no desire to ever again. At the age of 10, she wanted to know why. I told her ( not something that I am willing to discuss here ) the truth; after which she decided that she wanted to explore the different religions. Since I was actually born a Southern Baptist; she started with that. ( that sounds bad, I know ). Eventually, she ended up with her daddy's religion which is Catholic. She has faithfully attended church three days a week since the age of 11 and is actually a very spiritual, and religious minded person. She has such a deep faith that she honestly throws me for a loop sometimes.

So, here I have a teenager who is not afraid to discuss any subject openly and honestly; yet is also bound by the dictates of the Bible and the Holy Church. Sometimes, the two collide for her and throw her into confusion because while she believes in what the Church teaches; she also believes in area's that the Church does not agree with ( that's not the issue though )

What I am getting at with all this background is what DomKen said. I mentioned it to her and it started a discussion on the 'proper' way to raise children in this day and age. I know, I know...that's not what I wanted to ask ...(there is no 'proper' way).

During our discussion, she was teasing me and stated 'Mom, you just are not normal is all. Because you are not normal, you did not raise me in the normal way'.

THAT is what is bothering me.

What the fuck is normal when it comes to raising kids?

We all know that every child is different and is raised differently...heck, even siblings are raised differently. But WHAT is considered normal?

This is driving me nuts now. Dayum her. [8D]


You do not want to know what is normal, look around and listen to the young"adults" you seriously want your child to act like that
Quite frankly if a child does not have a substance problem, is not throwing temper tantrums every five minutes and calling a parent a bitch or bastard or spreading her legs for every dick that walks by just because it feels good, someone is doing a good job
There are several things I have noticed, children lack respect, they seem to think the parent is here to indulge their every whim. Parents seem to lack consistancy and allow themselves to be beaten down and manipulated by their children. the goverment seems to think they have the right to tell a parent what to do and then complain about how many 13 year olds are on death row. For some unknown reason, childrem need peer acceptance more now than in the past thee decades.




windchymes -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 3:11:34 PM)

I dunno, IM, I consider "not normal" a compliment in this day and age.  I think she honestly means "cool" and, if she's as "cool" herself as you say she is :) , she also means it as a compliment.

My dad wasn't a normal dad.  Other kids' dads worked in factories or 9-to-5 jobs, came home at night, read the paper and fell asleep in front of the tv set after dinner.  My dad was a car salesman, was active in the local community theater group, would entertain people at parties by hypnotizing them or telling off-color jokes...for hours.  People idolized him.  He was the life of the party, the larger-than-life character, the one everyone went to for advice, and they took it whether it was good advice or not, simply because HE SAID SO.  I knew he wasn't a "normal" dad, but I really liked that he was that way.  He made me who I am in a big way.

My son tells me he hit the jackpot when it came to parents.  I raised him and his brother pretty much on my own, but their dad was in the picture.  Some of the things we did were kind of unconventional, but they acknowledge my uniqueness as a person and as a mother, and I was declared "cool" by one son, and was the subject of the college entrance exam topic "Who Is Your Hero?" by the other.  My life is pretty much complete. :)

"Not normal" is a good thing!



littlewonder -> RE: What is Normal? (10/1/2009 3:27:52 PM)

According to my now 18 yr old daughter, the way I raised her was not normal...it was completely different from how her friends she grew up with her entire life were raised.

She was raised in a single parent home, not by choice but due to her father's death 15 years ago. The majority of her friends are still from two parent homes, both still married to each other.

She comes from a middle middle-class parent who was raised from a lowest lowest class poor family. Her friends all come from upper middle class to wealthy families who have been for many generations.

She has a mom who has to work a 40 hour a week job just to get by to raise her family. Her friends all have mothers who stay home and devote their days to PTA, baking cookies and volunteering with the local churches.

I've always been as honest as I can with her about everything. She's had to be extremely independent most of her life and most of her friends lead very sheltered naive lives.

The school she attended before this year held them back on real life imo and were very conservative in their teachings.

So basically she never has been part of a traditional, suburban or rural family life. I didn't grow up like that so it wasn't really something I could offer her since I really did not know how to offer her that. I did the best that I could.

According to her we're not normal. She's probably right. It's why we don't have anything in common with anyone around here. We never have. We both find being social creatures around here to be very difficult and why we're both looking forward to moving on with our own separate lives very very soon.

So when your children say "you're not normal" what they mean is you are not part of the traditional suburban life that is typical of most small to middle size conservative communities...think white picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog.



DesFIP -> RE: What is Normal? (10/2/2009 8:35:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
I have never heard that. I like it lol.

Ok, this is going to be a really nosy question but I am really curious. What kind of subjects make you uncomfortable?

Being asked about my high school/college illegal drug usage. I needed time to put it in a light that would not encourage the kid. And I wasn't expecting the question, it literally came out of nowhere.

I focused on why I don't use anymore, on what went wrong, how cocaine made me oblivious to what was going on physically. Was out in the snow and didn't know I was cold and wet. On how marijuana makes me paranoid. But I needed to think about how to answer it, and was he asking it to have justification to do so himself.



IrishMist -> RE: What is Normal? (10/2/2009 3:56:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
I have never heard that. I like it lol.

Ok, this is going to be a really nosy question but I am really curious. What kind of subjects make you uncomfortable?

Being asked about my high school/college illegal drug usage. I needed time to put it in a light that would not encourage the kid. And I wasn't expecting the question, it literally came out of nowhere.

I focused on why I don't use anymore, on what went wrong, how cocaine made me oblivious to what was going on physically. Was out in the snow and didn't know I was cold and wet. On how marijuana makes me paranoid. But I needed to think about how to answer it, and was he asking it to have justification to do so himself.

I can understand that. Before I met my late husband, when I was still banging; I was pretty heavy into Coke and Meth. Before my daughter switched schools (from elementary to middle that is ) they used to do routine classes with the officers from the task force on drugs. We were talking about the class one day and she asked how come I knew so much about additction. I told her the truth; did not try to make it pretty or try to tone down the fact that 'once an addict, always an addict'. I did get lucky when I got off them though; did it cold turkey and really did not have much trouble.
Hell, her daddy's anger, disgust, and disapproval were more than enough incentive for me.

Thank you for answering though, I appreciate it.



Termyn8or -> RE: What is Normal? (10/2/2009 4:11:54 PM)

"Have you thoutht to ask her what normal means? "

Priceless, truly priceless.

Irish, I would do what this guy said. In fact I would tell her to make a list.

I just thought, if I did that it would probably kill a tree. If someone really knows me well, it might even cause a worldwide paper shortage.

T



winterlight -> RE: What is Normal? (10/2/2009 4:40:23 PM)

I think you have done an excellent job.

What is normal? What is normal for parents today? Do they talk to their kids about anything? Are they just their buddies and not their parents like our parents were?

I grew up with some kids where their parents didn't care period! I was lucky my parents did.  I really don't know today how many parents are involved in their kids lives but i do know one thing, one day they WILL appreciate all that you have done when they have kids of their own. A child/young adult that can converse and convey thoughts with another adult is getting a really good amount of  quality of  life, learning, and tools to cope with life and can THINK for themself. 

Thank Goodness we are all different and not "normal"..



DesFIP -> RE: What is Normal? (10/4/2009 7:05:15 AM)

BTW for those who see an older kid having a tantrum and assume it's a parenting problem, it isn't. What you're seeing is a child with an emotional or mental disorder that is not apparent  when looking at them. A 14 year old does not act like a 6 year old unless there is an underlying reason.

You see a kid in a wheelchair, you assume there's a reason they act like they do. You see a kid with a biochemical disorder, you assume it's parenting. It isn't, it's part and parcel of having a handicapped child.



thebongripper -> RE: What is Normal? (10/4/2009 8:24:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Ok. I am struggling with this question here ( in the sense that I am not sure that I can get across what exactly I wanted to say and ask ).

Something that DomKen said in another post prompted me to ask my daughter something last night. He made the statement about 'why are you letting a 15 year old make life/death decisions'. Now, granted, this was in regards to the HPV thread that is currently going on; but, it actually got me thinking about it.

Now this is not so much about letting her make life/death decisions; but rather about the unorthodox way that I chose to raise her...I guess...I think...LOL ( I did say I was struggling with this one )

Let me give a bit of background before I actually ask the question that I wanted to ask.

It's no secret that I have raised her on my own since she was three. By choice...not a good one I think sometimes because I basically deprived her of a male influence in her life...but that's beside the point. My upbringing was such that my mother never talked with us girls...I mean about absolutly NOTHING. Not about sex, not about drugs, not about men...about nothing. Everything I learned, I learned from my older sister and from the street gangs that I hung with. I think that because of not having someone talk to me when I was younger; that I have made it a point to always be there to talk with my kids. Openly, honestly, bluntly, without regard to age or subject matter. If they were old enough to ask me the question; they were old enough to receive a very honest answer ( that has been my philosophy ). Because I thought this way; my youngest was 6 when she asked me how babies were made...I told her the truth...in very explicit terms. Over the years, there has not been a single subject that I considered taboo where she was concerned. We have talked about drugs; we have talked about sex; we have talked about diseases from unprotected sex; we have talked about the pro's and con's of marriage...just about any subject that you could think of, we talked about it.

Now, mix in all this with the fact of religion. I am not a religious person. I have not set foot in a church of any kind since her daddy passed away; and I have no desire to ever again. At the age of 10, she wanted to know why. I told her ( not something that I am willing to discuss here ) the truth; after which she decided that she wanted to explore the different religions. Since I was actually born a Southern Baptist; she started with that. ( that sounds bad, I know ). Eventually, she ended up with her daddy's religion which is Catholic. She has faithfully attended church three days a week since the age of 11 and is actually a very spiritual, and religious minded person. She has such a deep faith that she honestly throws me for a loop sometimes.

So, here I have a teenager who is not afraid to discuss any subject openly and honestly; yet is also bound by the dictates of the Bible and the Holy Church. Sometimes, the two collide for her and throw her into confusion because while she believes in what the Church teaches; she also believes in area's that the Church does not agree with ( that's not the issue though )

What I am getting at with all this background is what DomKen said. I mentioned it to her and it started a discussion on the 'proper' way to raise children in this day and age. I know, I know...that's not what I wanted to ask ...(there is no 'proper' way).

During our discussion, she was teasing me and stated 'Mom, you just are not normal is all. Because you are not normal, you did not raise me in the normal way'.

THAT is what is bothering me.

What the fuck is normal when it comes to raising kids?

We all know that every child is different and is raised differently...heck, even siblings are raised differently. But WHAT is considered normal?

This is driving me nuts now. Dayum her. [8D]



Normal is what a person makes of it.

Your child will change. Your best interest in your daughter is not being a parent, but being a friend.

I know this because I've had a great relationship with my mother since I was 15. By being a friend, I mean, not treating anything she does as a "mistake", but rather a lesson.

Today, my peers view sex as the most important thing in their life, whether they admit or not. It is a social standard, for the majority of teens, to not be a virgin. We view sex as not something important or emotional, but as a solution to boredom or a gateway to "love."

If you want to appease your child, simply go along with what they are saying. That is really what most people really want to hear -- themselves.

Like I said before: normal is what you make it. If she views her upbringing as abnormal, than that is what she perceives. If you tried your hardest as a parent, then that's what really matters. If you think you were inadequate as a parent, be a better parent. It's never too late.

I haven't talked to my father in two months (which is the normal interval; I'm due for a call soon) and I don't even bother to call him any more. I tried to be the adult in our relationship for 7 years. Now I realize that no matter what I did, he would never return my calls. He dwells on so much...never to realize that he still has time to change things.

Not because he is a bad father, but because he refuses to better himself.

Don't be like him.



Ialdabaoth -> RE: What is Normal? (10/4/2009 9:42:04 PM)

The youth of today love luxury; they have bad manners and contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Youth are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up food at the table, and tyrannize their teachers.
-Socrates, ~400 BC

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.
-Hesiod, ~800 BC




pahunkboy -> RE: What is Normal? (10/5/2009 5:53:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

The youth of today love luxury; they have bad manners and contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Youth are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up food at the table, and tyrannize their teachers.
-Socrates, ~400 BC

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.
-Hesiod, ~800 BC




As odd as this may sound- I am cautiously hopeful on the new generation.

Just as we had to come of age- they do too- and with a more ruined world then we did.

Granted the masses are caught up in folly. 

and yet- just maybe 1 person CAN change the world?   or ever a portion of it.



Termyn8or -> RE: What is Normal? (10/5/2009 11:39:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

The youth of today love luxury; they have bad manners and contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Youth are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up food at the table, and tyrannize their teachers.
-Socrates, ~400 BC

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.
-Hesiod, ~800 BC




Interesting. I have heard of that. It is not something I have ever experienced but it seems I either saw such behavior in a movie or read it in a book. When the Patriarch of the home arrived from work he was greeted. His arrival was announced and the children would "present themselves". The Wife would have good news, most likely "Sit down dear, supper is ready and waiting".

Almost ritualistic in a way, but was it all that productive ? Of course it did produce functional minds, but did it produce expandable minds ?

The virtues of the old life,
Are true and rife,
But in joyce or rule,
They are not for me and you.

The old way worked then, but now is now. There is so little control, that everybody must be ready for everything. We can take nothing for granted, nothing. Next year I could be living under a bridge, I doubt it but you never know. But it doesn't matter what happens to me. It matters what happens to the next generation. I am not a Parent, but I am still part of the progenitors of the body that spawned the next leaders, the follwers, the miscreants and the inventors. Whatever influence I can muster should be in the positive.

And that applies to everyone.

T



Kirata -> RE: What is Normal? (10/6/2009 1:20:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

During our discussion, she was teasing me and stated 'Mom, you just are not normal is all. Because you are not normal, you did not raise me in the normal way'.

THAT is what is bothering me.

What the fuck is normal when it comes to raising kids?

Steel got to this ahead of me. But while you've responded to other posts, unless I missed something I haven't seen you pick up on his. I agree with him. It seems to me that you have the question wrong. The real question here doesn't seem to be, "What is normal?" It seems to be, "What did she mean by that?" That's what you really want to know, isn't it? And since you talk to her about everything else, why not that? It would likely prove interesting, and, unless I miss my guess, probably reassuring too. Let us know what she says if you do?

K.







Acer49 -> RE: What is Normal? (10/6/2009 11:42:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

BTW for those who see an older kid having a tantrum and assume it's a parenting problem, it isn't. What you're seeing is a child with an emotional or mental disorder that is not apparent  when looking at them. A 14 year old does not act like a 6 year old unless there is an underlying reason.

You see a kid in a wheelchair, you assume there's a reason they act like they do. You see a kid with a biochemical disorder, you assume it's parenting. It isn't, it's part and parcel of having a handicapped child.

quote:

BTW for those who see an older kid having a tantrum and assume it's a parenting problem, it isn't. What you're seeing is a child with an emotional or mental disorder that is not apparent when looking at them. A 14 year old does not act like a 6 year old unless there is an underlying reason


It is called lack of maturity and self control, neither of which means you have a mental or emotional disorder



Kirata -> RE: What is Normal? (10/6/2009 1:00:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

for those who see an older kid having a tantrum and assume it's a parenting problem, it isn't. What you're seeing is a child with an emotional or mental disorder

It is called lack of maturity and self control, neither of which means you have a mental or emotional disorder


Ferchrissake! Tantrums are not that uncommon in pre-teens and teens around the age of puberty. There's a lot going on inside them as they negotiate that developmental milestone. It doesn't necessarily reflect bad parenting, and it certainly doesn't necessarily reflect a clinical mental disorder either.

K.






kdsub -> RE: What is Normal? (10/6/2009 2:21:36 PM)

I purposely have not read the other posts because I did not want to be influenced in my response. So If I am duplicating forgive me.

Normal is this:

You provide an environment where a child can grow and learn in safety.

You monitor their development by guiding, encouraging, and providing discipline as needed to assure they will be responsible happy adults.

How this development proceeds will determine how much freedom to give your child in decisions that can affect their life.

IF they make a decision that is wrong you can do one of two things…let them learn by the mistakes or take away their ability to make that decision. Both or valid options depending on the circumstances.

BUT you have the final responsibility to be sure when they have matured enough to make life and death decisions. In that case if they make the right one then you have succeeded as a parent…if they make the wrong one and cannot be reasoned with you have failed and need to change your parenting style.

Butch



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875