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Exploring! - 10/9/2009 1:49:31 PM   
SuchasWe


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/9/2009
Status: offline 		Hi all,

Okay, so both my girlfriend and I are CM members, but I want to ask a question without her knowing the question I'm asking (hence the ghost profile).

Let me preface this with the explanation that I'm planning on having lots of communication with my girlfriend, and I'm looking for advice on how to do so in the most effective her-oriented way possible.

So, I'm a switch, with very heavy Domme leanings. She's very clearly got sub tendencies. We've tried a few, *very light* thing in the bedroom, and she's really liked them. For instance, she says she really loves when I pin her down and finds it hot (her words). She also likes blindfolds, and is very willing to obey low-level commands ("Strip", "Spread your legs", etc.). We've also tried light bondage, which she liked.

However, when ever I mention anything like her calling me ma'am, or light pain play (like spanking), or really anything we haven't tried, she's seems scornful. Now, I'm sure I could ask her to do so and she would comply, because of the nature of our dynamic (She always does what I ask her to, it's actually really loving and sweet) -- but should I?

What I'm really looking for is advice on how to help her explore her submissive side without abusing my power in the relationship. Thanks!

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 2:12:28 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		To each his/her own, but I don't personally view the use of honorifics (Sir, Ma'am, etc.) as "abusing power", but rather, words of respect... respect you've EARNED.



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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 2:16:23 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		What would happen if you told her to do something in a very authoritative voice (and with an authoritative stance), as if you assume she'll do as she's told, but then didn't punish her in any way if she didn't comply? That would give her the opportunity to "play along" if it's appealing to her without you feeling like you're abusing your power.

(in reply to SuchasWe)
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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 3:16:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you asked her why she's willing to explore some stuff nonjudgmentally but not other stuff? However just because she likes being pinned doesn't mean she will get off on pain play or a power relationship. She's allowed not to like it.

It's like going to a buffet, you don't have to try everything. If you want to skip the fish dishes and focus on chicken, that's fine.

Find a checklist and see what things call her name and which call yours, and see if there's enough in common.

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lucylucy)
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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 3:38:22 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		There are lots of ways to help your partner explore her own desires- exposing her to BDSM websites, books, munches, etc. It could be that she may develop a taste for your interests, like spanking or calling you Ma'am, after seeing it done by others, and experiencing it firsthand. I never thought I would like cropping a girl to tears, until I saw it firsthand- and then developed a keen appetite for it.

And there is nothing wrong with asking her to try it, and then see if she becomes more comfortable with use. That isn't necessarily abusing your relationship- my Kim is incredibly submissive, but she doesn't hesitate to ask for something.

It has been my experience that exploring someone else's desires, even if they aren't necessarily ours, can sometimes open up ideas we hadn't considered before; thats whats so wonderful about being with someone who is just a little different than us.

Likewise I bet she has things she fantasises about that you haven't thought of. A shared exploration, even if you pass though certain areas you don't need to return to, is a nice way of getting to know someone.

Bon Voyage!

(in reply to SuchasWe)
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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 5:20:28 PM   
BellaRed


Posts: 22
Joined: 10/9/2009
Status: offline 		Well, it's with caution I would advise you to go. I like being pinned down, I liked some rougher play, but I am not huge on pain (though I do like it now and then). I went along with a lot of things because it's what he wanted me to do, and I didn't want to let him down. I was able to play it off for a while, but there came a point when we were neither one happy with the way things were going. Some of us like everything, some of us like everything once in awhile, and others like this and not that.

I think it's great you are mindful of how you are dealing with this. Maybe even the way you are telling her to do something reminds her of something in her past, that's why she reacts the way she does. So many thing come into play when things get more aggressive. Continue to take things slow as you are, and most important..keep the communication lines open with her, that's huge. If she feels in any way that telling you things will make you like her less, or let you down..she might be less likely to bring it up.

Best Wishes.

_____________________________

"Guy? You wanna be a guy? Don't be a guy, there are plenty of guys...be a man."

Uncollared, but not unloved. It's times like this you learn who the real friends in your life are and I am thankful for every one of them.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 6:03:02 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuchasWe
What I'm really looking for is advice on how to help her explore her submissive side without abusing my power in the relationship. Thanks!
Beat the shit out of her until she does what you want? (sorry, it's just been one of those weeks).

More seriously, the only way to do such a thing without abusing the authority you already have is to gently lead... probably with a lot of discussion and some carefully probing actions. In the end, you have no idea what sort of "submissive side" she has or doesn't have. Only she can explore it. You can only light the path. For Carol, I painted a vision for her of what I hoped to achieve with a M/s dynamic and then let her decide whether that vision was appealing or not.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SuchasWe)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 6:07:47 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		scornful how? EXACTLY?

so, you get her all that stuff, pinned down and whatnot, and close to slobbering orgasm, and then you say on the order of do you want to come slave?

whatever she says........

you say in a placid voice, yes ma'am

whatever she says..........

you say in a placid voice, yes ma'am

when she says yes ma'am, you say, good slave (girl, whatever) and you pour the fucking coal to her........

you do, i do the voodoo, that i do

pick up a book on dog training, same thing, and feed her those little hershey chocolates when she is a good girl. If she jacks one in your chamber, you will jack one in hers.......

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 10/9/2009 6:09:10 PM >

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RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 8:26:17 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		"she seems scornful"

If this is something you want to try, then you need to talk to her about it, in specifics, indicating that you are serious. You need to get serious feedback and not be put off by impressions. She may seem scornful but she may also be intreged (sp?), and want to try but unable to articulate her feelings. You need to let her tell you exactly how she feels about something and not rely on impressions.

In the end, you can ask, but if she isn't into it, you can't make her enjoy it - even if you can make her participate.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Exploring! - 10/9/2009 8:34:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I also think the op has made a huge mistake in assuming that because her partner likes some kinds of rough sex, that she is automatically submissive and wants the op to command her. Because I've seen no evidence of anything other than very slightly kinky sex.

OP do you need to be able to tell your partner what to do, to be able to spank her, and inflict pain on her? Because you need to decide if that is such an overwhelming need that if your partner cannot and will not go there, that instead you need to look for someone who is interested in that. You can't change how she feels, you can only decide what you need. She decides what she needs.

But be careful that you don't push her to a point where she says your need for control is such that she isn't willing to be in a relationship with you. Because she has every right to draw that line from her side, just like you do from yours. And you have not yet admitted that her desires are of equal weight as yours.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Exploring! - 10/11/2009 7:33:43 AM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		Outside of the bedroom, at a time when neither of you is aroused and naked, talk about your fantasies and needs. Explain what it is you want to experience, and how it makes you feel. Let her respond to you honestly about how participation from her side makes her feel.

I'm very submissive, but the kind of things I say during sex are rarely loaded with high protocol. Once the scene gets sexual, a lot of my verbal abilities go away also... which MY Lady likes. If she wanted me answering with "ma'am" she wouldn't take me to a sexual headspace because she knows I don't verbalize coherently at that point. On the other hand, if we're doing sensation play of any type that's not sexual, part of the sadistic thing she's doing is talking to me and making me answer her, and "ma'am" definitely applies there. And, in fact, in our daily lives, I'll use it, because for us D/s isn't just in the bedroom.

So maybe you are asking her to use language that is so jarring to her mental context that it's taking her out of the headspace for sex or submission. Maybe she doesn't understand that it revs your motor that much. Maybe you are trying to get her to use that form of address at the wrong time.  The only way to figure it out is open, honest communication outside of the event.



(in reply to SuchasWe)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Exploring! - 10/11/2009 7:45:51 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, you present this as though she's a vanilla just getting introduced to kink.  But you are both cm members, so she has to be acquainted with this stuff.  I'm trying to figure out how she could be interested enough to be a member, but scornful of submitting...


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 12
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