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you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 9:39:11 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Something DarkSteven said in another thread got me thinking:
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Forgive a stupid question, but your Dom IS onboard with this, correct? I once had a submissive grope me in semi-public once and that was a factor making me decide to drop her like a hot potato.


In the situation DarkSteven describes, the sub was interested in something he wasn’t; this situation probably could have been avoided if she had communicated her interests better. I don’t want to get into the communication bit. I’m more interested in the disconnect between what the sub wanted and what the Dom wanted.

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

It seems to me I have several options to satisfy my curiosity:

1. I can let my boyfriend know what I’m interested in and let him decide whether or not he wants to basically humor me. (This is usually the option I choose . . . and so far I have not been humored. But I’m optimistic! He hasn’t given an absolute NO to anything.)

2. I can accept that I won’t be experiencing certain things. (Grumble, grumble. I might get to this point eventually, but I’m not there yet.)

3. I can play with others with my boyfriend’s permission and presence. (This worked out very nicely once.)

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 9:50:02 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Kind of #2 with a BIG caveat... First, in agreement with #2, Carol is mine. I expect her to be mine inside and out. I would expect her to lose interest in things that were not of interest to me.... really lose interest. So far, that's how it goes.

Now the big caveat. I have a hard time imagining a situation where something was needful to her... or even highly desirable.. and it didn't become the same to me.

Carol and I stay together because we both consciously and unconciously choose compatibility over difference at every turn. Carol's choice would be to become more compatible with me by simply losing interest in the activity. My choice would be to become more compatible with her by gaining interest in the thing. Somewhere between those two choices, there is an awful lot of win-win ground *laughs*.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 10:04:04 AM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Kind of #2 with a BIG caveat... First, in agreement with #2, Carol is mine. I expect her to be mine inside and out. I would expect her to lose interest in things that were not of interest to me.... really lose interest. So far, that's how it goes.



Hi there,
Ditto for me. If he's not interested, i don't get to do it, so there isn't much point even continuing to think about it, so the interest wanes. If it's something he is actively opposed to (rather than just "neh, not interested") then it becomes distasteful to me, too.

Best,
aj


_____________________________

Throw me to the wolves because there's order in the pack (RHCP)

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 12:03:57 PM   
justagirlinzh


Posts: 55
Joined: 9/23/2009
Status: offline 		If he said no flat out, then I'd assume it just wasn't going to happen for me and eventually I'd lose interest in doing whatever it was. Knowing me though, I'd probably do a lot of begging during the conversation.

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 2:31:27 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I'm in a very different situation, but history has shown that no *activity* holds more interest than I have for him.

On the other hand, if there was something I was keen to have a bash at, or explore, he's always been interested enough in ME to do it.

We both are adventurous inside our relationship and there's a little bit of this.....

Carol and I stay together because we both consciously and unconciously choose compatibility over difference at every turn. Carol's choice would be to become more compatible with me by simply losing interest in the activity. My choice would be to become more compatible with her by gaining interest in the thing. Somewhere between those two choices, there is an awful lot of win-win ground *laughs*.

 I like riding waves with HIM and HE likes creating them ....He might not be *interested* in doing any particular activity in and of itself .......but it's nothing like doing it with ME. And ditto in reverse.

agirl




(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 2:56:19 PM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If a relationship lasts for a few years and you and your partner are open and communicate with each other fairly well, I believe most folks will find something like this happening at times.

It may be as simple as I like burgers and she likes chicken. Often the small stuff like that results in compromise or in accommodating each other.

It may be something far more serious, such as I have a deep desire she physically can not fulfill, or she finds a deep desire that violates a hard limit of mine. That sort of thing results in lots of discussion. It may end in the one feeling the need putting that aside. It may result in one of us finding someone for the other who is able to "go there". Of course that also means both of us must be open to another playing with our partner.

To us it does not make a lot of difference whether the sub partner or the dom partner has the need or the limit. Neither of us will either demand or expect the other to violate a hard limit they have. Neither of us will expect the other to change a hard limit, not matter how much that would be appreciated. Each of us does have hard limits about stuff the other would like. We know that if it is safe and agreed, the other will expect us to find others acceptable to play with.

My partner is my slave, but her limits are as important as mine.

She is dominant to most people, which is fine with me. She can ot function dominantly with me due to her own physical reactions.

I am also a switch, and I do not have a steady domme partner to submit to at this time.

So I am happy when she gets to take charge of a submissive man or woman, and she is happy when I get a chance to dominate others or to submit to a dominant woman, once the person or people have become  friends.

We usually have a lot of fun at events we attend!

_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 4:25:17 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.


i have a system that i utilize when getting acquainted with someone and have only deviated once from it exchange wise. i believe the more time you expend on the front end, the less problems you are going to have long term. a lot of this can be fleshed out and reasonably discussed before a commitment ensues.

in my current situation we have gone over a lot. including potential scenarios and things we might wish for or find appealing. maybe they aren't being actively sought, but nonetheless it is important to include those what if's when possible. it helps us both make an informed decision if we should continue forward or simply seek other partners. i do my homework to prevent being upset later on by things i failed to ask that i should have.

i am very fortunate because it is typical that my partners and i share identical fetishes. meaning, over 95% of the things i'm interested in doing or having done to me is shared on His end as well. i seek numbers in this category for my sanity and physical satisfaction. i understand there is always room for more, but darnit i want my cake and ice cream if i can get it. i'm lucky, i usually do. but that means i also avoid situations that may not provide the same level of satisfaction, but could appeal to me in other ways. it is a choice and risk i take without second thought.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 6:02:50 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

Something DarkSteven said in another thread got me thinking:
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Forgive a stupid question, but your Dom IS onboard with this, correct? I once had a submissive grope me in semi-public once and that was a factor making me decide to drop her like a hot potato.


In the situation DarkSteven describes, the sub was interested in something he wasn’t; this situation probably could have been avoided if she had communicated her interests better. I don’t want to get into the communication bit. I’m more interested in the disconnect between what the sub wanted and what the Dom wanted.

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

It seems to me I have several options to satisfy my curiosity:

1. I can let my boyfriend know what I’m interested in and let him decide whether or not he wants to basically humor me. (This is usually the option I choose . . . and so far I have not been humored. But I’m optimistic! He hasn’t given an absolute NO to anything.)

2. I can accept that I won’t be experiencing certain things. (Grumble, grumble. I might get to this point eventually, but I’m not there yet.)

3. I can play with others with my boyfriend’s permission and presence. (This worked out very nicely once.)

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.



I do #1, about all things, sexual, nonsexual, big and small. It just seems like the right thing to do. And I'm learning to enjoy the discipline involved with living with ambiguity, even though at times it can be maddening. I don't do #2 because I don't know if thinking that would actually be true. I don't do #3 because I'm not built in a way that would allow me to enjoy it and because it's not something the people I tend to attract seem to want. If you are, however, and your boyfriend is cool with it, by all means, go for #3. You know, sometimes people rediscover old interests that they've lost, and if he sees you having all kinds of fun doing things he is blase' about, perhaps he'll change his mind about what is blase'. :)

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 8:43:44 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		The way it works with me and my owner is this... if he wants something I don't, I learn to want it.  If I want something he doesn't, I learn to not want it.  Pretty simple, really.

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 9:52:31 PM   
bluefireeyez


Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		If i wanted something and Master didn't, i would first and foremost let Him know what it is that i want and why it is important to me. It is then His decision whether or not to do it.

If there becomes too big a void between what i want and what He is willing to give, i will either learn to deal or have to rethink being His slave.

(in reply to ncbabe)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/11/2009 11:38:29 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If he's not interested then we just don't do it.
I forget about it and move on with my life.
I learn to live without it.


(in reply to bluefireeyez)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/12/2009 12:31:14 AM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I once had a submissive grope me in semi-public once and that was a factor making me decide to drop her like a hot potato.


There's a couple of things in this statement - one, the fact that it's public, which is déclassé all on its own. I really think that after you pass puberty you can avoid making out in the view of the general public. Even if your kink includes exhibitionism, there's a time and a place for everything.

Second, one thing I have noticed in the young make-out-in-public types is that groping in front of others is a kind of barnyard dominance statement. It conveys "what I am groping is mine and you can't have it!"  It can also be exhibiting dominance towards the gropee, "I can grope you in public and you are gonna stand there and take it". Either way, public groping seems inappropriate for a sub to be doing unless the dominant had given her a clear indication that this would be pleasing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy
There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.


Communication is critical. Outside of the bedroom, outside of the scene, you need to sit down and figure out what you NEED. Are any of these things going to be deal-breakers in the relationship if you do not get them in some fashion?  Produce two lists - one of what you need, one of what you just want.

Now, sit down and talk with your dominant. Do this at a neutral time, not in the course of sex or play. Ask about the things you want and need. Be very clear on the "need" list that you really have to have those things one way or another.  Ask him to talk to you about satisfying your curiosity on the "want" list. Perhaps he'd offer you some of these things as a treat or reward? Ask him which things he simply isn't going to do for you, and ask if you may try them with someone else.

The thing is, you have to clearly let one another know your wants and needs. In a D/s relationship, he gets to choose what you get. But you have to choose whether this is sufficient for your happiness and whether the absence of these things would make you so unhappy that you should seek a different dominant instead. Honesty and open discussion is how you work these things out together.





< Message edited by Drifa -- 10/12/2009 12:39:23 AM >

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/13/2009 5:15:19 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I accept a no. Most stuff he would do a couple of times a year for me if I really wanted it. But there are things he just won't do; breathplay for instance. It's one of those things that the idea of totally does it for me, but it's inherently dangerous and he isn't doing it. For him, the risk is too high. So we play around it. He'll rest his hand on my throat without pressure, he'll pinch my nostrils while kissing me, he'll allow me to only breathe his exhales for a bit.

But if I absolutely wanted, had to experience being choked until I passed out? The relationship would first have to end.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Drifa)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/13/2009 8:23:00 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		In our case we are very compatible, things that are hard limits for me he has no intrest in so that works out good. If there was something i heard about that i though sounded like fun and i wanted to try it i would ask Master about it. If he was not sure and it was something i really wanted to try he would condiser it. If he decided he did not want to do it then thats it we will not do it. I would learn to live with it, because him and our relationship is much more important to me then any thing we could do during play. Number 3 would not work for us because on of my hard limita is notbeing shared and he does not share what belongs to him. Communitation is always key.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/13/2009 8:58:14 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

Something DarkSteven said in another thread got me thinking:
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Forgive a stupid question, but your Dom IS onboard with this, correct? I once had a submissive grope me in semi-public once and that was a factor making me decide to drop her like a hot potato.


In the situation DarkSteven describes, the sub was interested in something he wasn’t; this situation probably could have been avoided if she had communicated her interests better. I don’t want to get into the communication bit. I’m more interested in the disconnect between what the sub wanted and what the Dom wanted.

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

It seems to me I have several options to satisfy my curiosity:

1. I can let my boyfriend know what I’m interested in and let him decide whether or not he wants to basically humor me. (This is usually the option I choose . . . and so far I have not been humored. But I’m optimistic! He hasn’t given an absolute NO to anything.)

2. I can accept that I won’t be experiencing certain things. (Grumble, grumble. I might get to this point eventually, but I’m not there yet.)

3. I can play with others with my boyfriend’s permission and presence. (This worked out very nicely once.)

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.




Well to individual who his shorts in such a knot because his prospective submissive grabbed his ass in public... Don't be a stick in the mud, have you ever heard of spontaneity? If it is not on your hard limits list, its fair game. Have you never been playful?

As to the OP, I don't care if he is not interested, or if he has done it a million times, he has not done them with you. Just because he is the dominant, that does not absolve him of his responsibility to see that you are happy, just as much as it is your responsibility to keep him happy. It is a two way street. Has he not learned that if the sub is not happy neither will he? I have been the a lot of the same stuff for almost 35 years, but the look of happiness on my slave's face always makes it worth wild. If you can't get him to do it, find yourself someone who will.









_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/13/2009 9:33:42 AM   
masmiss


Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.



i have a system that i utilize when getting acquainted with someone and have only deviated once from it exchange wise. i believe the more time you expend on the front end, the less problems you are going to have long term. a lot of this can be fleshed out and reasonably discussed before a commitment ensues.

in my current situation we have gone over a lot. including potential scenarios and things we might wish for or find appealing. maybe they aren't being actively sought, but nonetheless it is important to include those what if's when possible. it helps us both make an informed decision if we should continue forward or simply seek other partners. i do my homework to prevent being upset later on by things i failed to ask that i should have.

i am very fortunate because it is typical that my partners and i share identical fetishes. meaning, over 95% of the things i'm interested in doing or having done to me is shared on His end as well. i seek numbers in this category for my sanity and physical satisfaction. i understand there is always room for more, but darnit i want my cake and ice cream if i can get it. i'm lucky, i usually do. but that means i also avoid situations that may not provide the same level of satisfaction, but could appeal to me in other ways. it is a choice and risk i take without second thought.
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

There are things I would like to explore that my boyfriend isn’t interested in. Many of these things are things he’s already done and just isn’t interested in anymore (he’s been doing this for 25+ years and I’m still a wide-eyed kid in a candy store). Others are things he simply isn’t interested in.

I’m interested in how others deal with this situation.


i have a system that i utilize when getting acquainted with someone and have only deviated once from it exchange wise. i believe the more time you expend on the front end, the less problems you are going to have long term. a lot of this can be fleshed out and reasonably discussed before a commitment ensues.

in my current situation we have gone over a lot. including potential scenarios and things we might wish for or find appealing. maybe they aren't being actively sought, but nonetheless it is important to include those what if's when possible. it helps us both make an informed decision if we should continue forward or simply seek other partners. i do my homework to prevent being upset later on by things i failed to ask that i should have.

i am very fortunate because it is typical that my partners and i share identical fetishes. meaning, over 95% of the things i'm interested in doing or having done to me is shared on His end as well. i seek numbers in this category for my sanity and physical satisfaction. i understand there is always room for more, but darnit i want my cake and ice cream if i can get it. i'm lucky, i usually do. but that means i also avoid situations that may not provide the same level of satisfaction, but could appeal to me in other ways. it is a choice and risk i take without second thought.

porcelaine



I'm whole-heartedly in agreement with porcelaine on this.  I find that discussing at length before a relationship is established helps eliminate disappointments in the long run.  If a prospective sub is in too much of a hurry to get to play and rejects my insistence for discussion first then I know he is not a boy I could be involved with.  The subs who did talk at length with me, even if reluctantly at first, were boys with whom I had satisfying relationships.


_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/13/2009 9:34:36 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would do 1 and 2. Tell him what my desires are and hope he sees something in it that he may want to try or try again. And two, if he isn't going to do it and I want to stay with him I would have to accept it. I don't understand the concept of mind melding his brain into mine so I would never think of that thing again, been there, done that and gave up too many dreams as a result. Not doing is a long way from not dreaming.
I would comply with his wish and just not experience my own because that is the way my partner would wish.
3? I have never been with a partner in which sharing was an option.

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/14/2009 6:55:35 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		1&2, sharing is not an option for me
though sharing would be something i'd like to try, but He says no...
so i'm back at 1&2 with a fair amount of hopeful begging...

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/14/2009 8:22:23 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alittleevil

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Kind of #2 with a BIG caveat... First, in agreement with #2, Carol is mine. I expect her to be mine inside and out. I would expect her to lose interest in things that were not of interest to me.... really lose interest. So far, that's how it goes.



Hi there,
Ditto for me. If he's not interested, i don't get to do it, so there isn't much point even continuing to think about it, so the interest wanes. If it's something he is actively opposed to (rather than just "neh, not interested") then it becomes distasteful to me, too.

Best,
aj



I just realized that this is exactly what happened with something I was really interested in about three months ago. I mentioned it, he said it wasn't going to happen, I pouted for a few days and then forgot about it, and now, a few months later, I realize I've completely lost interest in it.

(in reply to alittleevil)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: you want to try something & your Dom doesn't - 10/14/2009 9:48:27 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

2. I can accept that I won’t be experiencing certain things.



This.  Add to this, I would focus on all the awesome things I do get to experience with him.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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