SAMs

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GoddessD2u -> SAMs (10/13/2009 6:13:58 AM)
I love the scene. Everyone is different with their own likes and its great! I have never been one to say I am or want to be a lifestyler. I dont live for this 24/7 or would like to. I am also not 100% experienced and hoped that whoever I met on CM would be fun to play and learn new things with, and for the most part I did meet lots of great people. Then 18mos ago I met him, My partner. While my profile stated everything I was and wanted and seeked I feel he was somehow lost in what he wanted as months went by. Through getting to know him I found he really only experienced cheap thrills as far as the BDSM, and he had a hard time accepting he liked certain things. He recognized he wanted therapy to resolve some issues and understand better things in his life although he called it wanting to get cured. I tried to show him it was ok by reading books together and looking for BDSM friendly therapists, but he put off the therapy. Despite this we clicked instantly and had what I thought were mutual interests and wants in D/s and vanilla. I gave him discipline, rules, lists to abide by, chores and while all great at the beginning I noticed as time went by that I literally had to be on top of him daily, hourly, monthly! I moved in and moved out in 3 months because I didnt want to deal with his behaviour. I wanted a man not an overgrown child. It was and is the most disappointing thing. Its draining, stressful and not fun for me! I was reading up on submissive behaviour and came upon the SAM. What gives? The discipline I dished out with enthusiasm, left welts and bruises for weeks but then its back to the same crap. For the last 8 months I am really not interested in play, he took all the pleasure away fro me. Its become a chore! I thought we were both on the same page as far as a 50/50 component of VANILLA and D/s.I feel gyped, and like he just gave me what I wanted to get me at the beginning. Now we are pregnant and I need to think about the health of this baby(and mine) and dont need the stress of basically dealing with a GROWN 35yro BRAT. I am at a loss and would like some opinions as to what the hell was this to begin with? I am confused and ready to bounce with baby!

LaTigresse -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 6:35:28 AM)
You got exactly what you allowed. Why did you tolerate it in the first place? And why do you imagine that this person will be anything different than what they began as?

DarkSteven -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 6:43:48 AM)
You're not that experienced and felt that he wasn't either. But you seem to think that someone out there is a magical effortless fit with you. Note that you thought he should go to therapy and he didn't... and he didn't go. You express this as a form of frustration, when in fact it indicates that you were not in control - you could have simply ordered him to set an appointment and go within a week. End of problem. What you see as brattiness I see as a lack of control on your part. You had a bad experience (your FIRST experience with a D/s relationship instead of play) and are now blaming him for it. Accept that you were part of the problem as well, and that a first relationship is unlikely to be perfect. Perhaps some counseling for you might be in order as well because I don't see much maturity on your part.

kiwisub12 -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:02:40 AM)
OP - if your sub indeed said he wanted to be cured - that would be a HUGE red flag! He doesn't see bdsm as being a normal variant of human behaviour, he sees it as an abberition, one that needs to be cured, got rid of and removed. No wonder he didn't fit well with you - he wants to be vanilla, and you as the evil woman were forcing him to be kinky. And he may want the kink - but he doesn't think it is normal. And now you are pregnant. Forget the kink for the moment - he isn't interested. Focus on the fact that you are pregnant with a life-long commitment, and deal with your situation from that angle. Child support is the first thing that comes to my mind. The second is a job that pays a decent wage if not already acquired. You need a support system for the child - friends , family - you know - someone who can mind the rugrat when it is sick and you have to go to work. As far as a 24/7 sub. - i would put that off for a while, until your life is in order.

GoddessD2u -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:12:13 AM)
Thank you for your thoughts.You're correct I did say I was inexperienced, but I also did say I as well as he(so he said) was looking for something with a 50/50 component which to me means play for fun half the time and be a responsible adult the other half. I did not force or tell him to go to therapy, it was his idea because he thinks he has a problem liking BDSM, he feels sick. I did however force couples therapy when we got pregnant as he has some serious anger issues. I have forced many things on him but I dont feel like being someone's parent other than the baby's. I have gone through with ultamatums,one of which I moved out. trust me Im no doormat, but Im also not into beating a dead horse. And as far as therapy for me...Ive been to and have continued for myself.

GoddessD2u -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:20:04 AM)
Thank you, I am actually thinking about me and the baby and have taken measures to keep us healthy and safe. I definately thinking about baby's future. I put us first! And no Im not looking now or was ever looking for 24/7 situations. And you are right, he really is a very confused man, he wants it one minute the next he doesnt.

sirsholly -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:24:27 AM)
quote: I gave him discipline, rules, lists to abide by, chores and while all great at the beginning I noticed as time went by that I literally had to be on top of him daily, hourly, monthly! I moved in and moved out in 3 months because I didnt want to deal with his behaviour. I wanted a man not an overgrown child. It was and is the most disappointing thing. Its draining, stressful and not fun for me! I was reading up on submissive behaviour and came upon the SAM. What gives? wow...you are stressed now...what is going to happen when you have TWO babies to deal with? You have to care for yourself and that precious angel you are carrying. If that means giving Sam the boot, i would do it.

CreativeDominant -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:40:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: I gave him discipline, rules, lists to abide by, chores and while all great at the beginning I noticed as time went by that I literally had to be on top of him daily, hourly, monthly! I moved in and moved out in 3 months because I didnt want to deal with his behaviour. I wanted a man not an overgrown child. It was and is the most disappointing thing. Its draining, stressful and not fun for me! I was reading up on submissive behaviour and came upon the SAM. What gives? wow...you are stressed now...what is going to happen when you have TWO babies to deal with? You have to care for yourself and that precious angel you are carrying. If that means giving Sam the boot, i would do it. I could not agree more. You entered into a D/s dynamic with someone whose level of inexperience was the same as yours. That sometimes works...many times, it does not. In your case, it did not. The other problem for you is that, while engaging with someone who displayed problems from the start, you still wound up putting yourself into a position in which pregnancy was the result. Now, you are faced with having a baby on the way and a grown-up one in your bed. I'll tell you the same thing holly did, which is remarkably similar to what I told my oldest daughter...that baby is what is important here. You come second as the caretaker of the baby. He, with all his problems and self-involvement, comes third. It is too bad that a child is going to get to pay at least partially for his parents' faults but you don't have to compound that payment by hanging onto something that you don't want. Make sure that he is going to ante up legally and morally as a parent while realizing he isn't going to come through in the same manner as a partner.

Mercnbeth -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 7:51:17 AM)
quote: that baby is what is important here. You come second as the caretaker of the baby. He, with all his problems and self-involvement, comes third. disagree. the caretaker of the infant shouldn't be #2, but #1. if one doesn't make oneself important, one isn't capable of caring for an infant. all of the other folks and stuff come after that. just ask Our First Lady...[;)] quote: ...Mrs. Obama says she learned "what not to do" from her mother, Marian Robinson, who now lives at the White House. "She'd say being a good mother isn't all about sacrificing. It's really investing and putting yourself higher on your priority list," Mrs. Obama said. She said Robinson put her own two children first, sometimes to the detriment of herself. "She encouraged me not to do that," Mrs. Obama said... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090928/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_michelle_obama

CreativeDominant -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 8:00:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: that baby is what is important here. You come second as the caretaker of the baby. He, with all his problems and self-involvement, comes third. disagree. the caretaker of the infant shouldn't be #2, but #1. if one doesn't make oneself important, one isn't capable of caring for an infant. all of the other folks and stuff come after that. just ask Our First Lady...[;)] quote: ...Mrs. Obama says she learned "what not to do" from her mother, Marian Robinson, who now lives at the White House. "She'd say being a good mother isn't all about sacrificing. It's really investing and putting yourself higher on your priority list," Mrs. Obama said. She said Robinson put her own two children first, sometimes to the detriment of herself. "She encouraged me not to do that," Mrs. Obama said... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090928/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_michelle_obama ~grins~

DesFIP -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 8:02:44 AM)
He was honest with you from the beginning. He told you that he felt his interests in wiitwd to be something unhealthy that he needed to be cured of. Instead of accepting him for who he is, you assumed you could magically change his opinion of this. You can't. He won't do what you want not because he's a sam, but because he hasn't ever given you the right to make decisions for him. The person in need of therapy here is you. You are pregnant but won't recognize your own shortcomings, and you're focusing on not wanting to play instead of how to make a life for the new life entering yours.

DavanKael -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 10:14:59 AM)
Is it beyond the timeframe within which you can decide not to move forward with the pregnancy? I was with a person who was a lot like this. Initially, his decompensation and brattiness wasn't as bad as you're describing and we had a lot of good years. The pervasiveness and the severity of the decompensano grew, however, and it became quite horrible. I feel like I spent 17 years, among other things, parenting a big fucking brat. Thing is, there's going to be a kid involved here. That makes thingsxponentially more important because kids don't ask to be born. You both need to work for improvements or split and get on with your lives. Davan

porcelaine -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 11:17:59 AM)
this is profoundly sad on many levels, but all hope is not lost. the child can be the catalyst for change or destruction, it depends on the mindset of both parties. you have a choice, either sink or swim. you're both in dire straits and you'll have a person coming to the world soon relying on two visibly mucked up people for its caretaking. i would hope that some aspect of personal responsibility would compel you both to snap out of it and bridge the gap between you. if you choose to live reckless irresponsible lives that merely torment the other that is fine, but when you bring unsuspecting guests into your mayhem that's another thing entirely. the child didn't ask for this. keep that in mind when you're both wallowing in your self created drama. the only person that can fix you is you. he has to be willing to make the same strides on his own. rather than invest my energy on repairing someone that isn't ready to be fixed, i'd give myself a tune up instead and make preparations for the life i can positively affect. best of luck. porcelaine

AnimusRex -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 11:32:39 AM)
Fast Reply- It's funny, that if you look at this outside the frame of reference of BDSM, strip away the jargon and labels, what you have is: He is an immature 35 year old man; she is sure she can change him, and even moves in to run his life and take care of things. He swears he will change, wants to change, but always finds excuses not to change. And now the couple is pregnant, and he is still being an immature irresponsible man-child. It is very sad, but in my experience, if a man is not grown up at 35, he never will be. And you put it correctly, that you want to have a child, not marry one. Accept that you made some poor decisions about who to make a baby with, learn from your mistakes, and move on.

GoddessD2u -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 12:07:48 PM)
I really appreciate all your thoughts on this, especially those who really read all the details before responding. I am extremely emotional with this pregnancy and wanted some opinions and reassurance I wasnt going nuts. Obviously there is more to this but why write a book.LOL Anyways, I have moved far from him but he keeps looming through communication. Prior to moving I had made all efforts to try to keep him in the baby's life but he cant see past himself, and I cannot have a baby be witness to any mental issues (no Im not insulting him he does), tantrums or bad habits. I never tried to change him, I did love him and accept him, all I tried was to help him like he wanted with what he wanted. I had hoped he would learn to love and accept himself. But obviously that wasnt up to me. Anyways thank you all.

LadyPact -> RE: SAMs (10/13/2009 12:15:56 PM)
I do not see this as a BDSM issue. I see this as a bad personal choice issue. One, unfortunately, you are going to have to live with in some manner, from this time forward. I do wish you the best of luck. As sorry as I am to say it, I'm afraid you are going to be needing it. Dealing with an immature individual who is the other parent is not always going to go smoothly.

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