RE: Question for the dear Masters

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SimplyIsaac -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 11:56:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 The word "dominant" just covers WAY the hell too much ground to answer this question as asked in my opinion. Dominant seems pretty straightforward to me. Ruling and authoritative come to mind.

leadership527 -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 11:58:36 AM)
I'm really really not trying to be obtuse here mommahkitten. But honestly, about 90% of what passes for "dominance" in the BDSM world doesn't look like that to me. I suspect the same is true for others. Are you talking 24x7 lifetyle stuff or bedroom stuff? Let's start with that.

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 11:59:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant quote: ORIGINAL: mommahkitten My ex, who i have prayed for years to finally learn to become Dominant, to become a Master now wants to learn how to become one. Yes he has a dominant personality, sometimes... But i think he could full switch to dominant, but my question is, where do i look, how do i help him truly become a Master? <3 How do you help him become a Master? That depends on what you seek, does it not? In other words, are you wanting to help him become a "Master"...one who is appealing to many submissives or are you wanting to help him become YOUR "Master". In a recent thread, there was stuff written about "mate selection". Everyone has a right to choose who their mate will be but a lot of that is based on whether or not that person has compatible qualities as a partner for the type of relationship a person envisions themselves as being in. One of the first things that comes to mind is whether or not the person is interested in joining in that type of relationship with you. If he is, then what you are looking to "build"...for lack of a better term...is YOUR "Master". To do that, you are going to have to look within yourself. What sort of things make you feel dominated...controlled...submissive...to the one you are with? You made note of the fact that with past Masters, you just "felt" the compulsion to submit to their control. But why? A feeling doesn't come from a place of nothingness...something provokes that feeling. What did those Masters do...what was in their make-up...what was in their behavior...what was in their demeanor...what was in their tone...etc., etc., etc....that made you feel submissive to them? Then, ask yourself how much of that is there...how much potential is there...within your ex? And don't ignore the aspects that have nothing to do with D/s but instead have to do with mental/emotional/sexual compatibility...aka chemistry. Is that spark still there for him as well as you? If it is not, then you may be building a "Master" but he won't necessarily end up your Master unless you and he desire to enter into a non-romantic M/s relationship. You've asked how we do the things we do...it is a difficult question to answer because for someone like me, it came about from letting my "more natural" self out to roam about 11 years ago. In doing so, I shed a lot of "accepted: ways of behaving and got back to what I was comfortable with. But one partial result of that was the cost of my marriage. I don't regret that...I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than live the way I was...but I do regret the pain I unintentionally...and in some cases intentionally...caused others. I've had one submissive tell me that the further we got into the relationship, the more my tone of voice "did" the "bringing on of submission" for her and yet I've had another submissive tell me that she did not particularly respond to my voice, though she liked it. She was more into whatever the command given was. For her, what brought about the "submissive melt" was my grabbing her hair and growling in her ear whatever was on my mind at the moment regarding her. What I am trying to illustrate with these points is that all dominant people are different and unique though with some similarities. The same holds true for submissives and that is why I encourage introspection for those on both sides of the kneel and especially for the submissive...if a submissive wants to give a dominant the information he needs, whether it be all of her inner dealings if it is "her" dominant or just the information he needs to play satisfactorily with her if he is a casual play partner, she has to know what is going on within herself. well see, now you really hit it there, now i need to a subbie to step in on this one when i say, that does really make me melt, the hair grabbing, to me that IS taking CONTROL, but this is where the silly part comes in, i dont want to TELL a Master this right away what my secret loves are, i want them to figure it out on there own or else it'll be too easy you see what im saying now?

leadership527 -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 12:08:00 PM)
quote: He will start getting it on his own, and become bolder as time passes......... Wow! I'm not the only one who thinks that a dom can be trained and the best person for that is his sub? Well, at least, whether or not a dom can be trained, I like to believe I'm smart enough to put 2+2 together to make "blowjobs".

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 12:18:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 I'm really really not trying to be obtuse here mommahkitten. But honestly, about 90% of what passes for "dominance" in the BDSM world doesn't look like that to me. I suspect the same is true for others. Are you talking 24x7 lifetyle stuff or bedroom stuff? Let's start with that. i want to start with bedroom of course and work my way to 24/7 because i myself am 24/7

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 12:19:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja Ron is spot on... men do not like hints, mine certainly does not like or understand or respond to hints at all, while a clear request or honest question delivers me results fast. You have to be open and honest about your wishes and desires, ask him to play with you and tell him how you like to be played... you have to ask politely and in a non-threatening, non-demanding way, you have to be very sweetly and nice... and he might just 'get it' and take to it as a duck to water. if you show him how you like to be lead and when he tries (and most guys would try, most men like to help a girl) and he sees how beautiful you follow you might just create a taste for more in him... It worked for us... i am at a loss why he is your ex though... does that not mean you have split up? are you getting back together when he is a Master then? i think we'll get back together when he is Master, thats what i seek in any vanilla/bdsm relationship, CONTROL and you all have stated it perfectly for me

mnottertail -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 12:38:17 PM)
quote: but this is where the silly part comes in, i dont want to TELL a Master this right away what my secret loves are, i want them to figure it out on there own or else it'll be too easy you see what im saying now? Sorry, that is some fucked up shit, that is beyond silly. That may be what you want in your girly girly imagination but this works best as an open book test. IF I CAUGHT YOU playing such a game with me, I would thread you both ways thru every wall and window in my house. Ron

agirl -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:09:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mommahkitten My ex, who i have prayed for years to finally learn to become Dominant, to become a Master now wants to learn how to become one. Yes he has a dominant personality, sometimes... But i think he could full switch to dominant, but my question is, where do i look, how do i help him truly become a Master? <3 Probably not by doing this.. i dont want to TELL a Master this right away what my secret loves are, i want them to figure it out on there own or else it'll be too easy you see what im saying now? Why would you want to make it difficult? Of course most men can work all sorts of things out on their own ........but if you're talking about HIM being able to press YOUR buttons , it might JUST be helpful to guide him in the right direction. You said you wanted to help him, correct? Ok, it's a nice idea that he gets it in the bedroom but unless he's a complete dork, he's going to SEE your reactions and use them, surely?. If he doesn't, then you might well have to let the poor chap know. agirl _____________________________

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:09:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail quote: but this is where the silly part comes in, i dont want to TELL a Master this right away what my secret loves are, i want them to figure it out on there own or else it'll be too easy you see what im saying now? Sorry, that is some fucked up shit, that is beyond silly. That may be what you want in your girly girly imagination but this works best as an open book test. IF I CAUGHT YOU playing such a game with me, I would thread you both ways thru every wall and window in my house. Ron you guys REALLY dont like that?? ok... hmm but dont you guys have a similar reaction where you dont want someone to get too close, to figure you all out? it's like reading the last page of a good book before reading the whole thing piece by piece

mnottertail -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:12:40 PM)
I'm very OK with me being mysterious, I AM DOMUNITE!!!!!!!(LOL) But you come clean to me, and I mean everything, that's how I roll, and that's how I slop around in that big fuckin' cumbucket you women call a brain of yours, and cause all the damage you all like. Ron

agirl -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:13:47 PM)
You're not with you guys...you're with one particular guy. Letting someone know what you like, or don't like, is very much the beginning. agirl

NormalOutside -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:21:10 PM)
I think you can teach him to be a top, maybe even a sadist. But to teach him to be dominant, I dunno. That's like teaching someone to be an optimist, or an atheist, or a vegetarian, or a bisexual. It's really tough to change who someone is, even if you can convince them to change their behaviours.

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:29:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl You're not with you guys...you're with one particular guy. Letting someone know what you like, or don't like, is very much the beginning. agirl Ron, and agirl, i think im starting to get the point... so basically tell him everything of what gets me going, and i should be good? correct?

mnottertail -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 1:34:45 PM)
Nope, you will have done everything you can possibly do to insure he understands your hopes, dreams and desires, and that you are more than ok with him using you like the slut you are. He is gonna have to say something on the order of I can dig it, and will commence your shitkicking forthwith, or say something pathetic like I love you too much to do it. It takes two, and you don't want to be lacking anything that will cause difficulty in the path you want to take. If there is a Master in there, you'll find it.

mommahkitten -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 2:03:47 PM)
once again thank you so much :D will keep you updated on what will happen :)

agirl -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 2:15:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mommahkitten quote: ORIGINAL: agirl You're not with you guys...you're with one particular guy. Letting someone know what you like, or don't like, is very much the beginning. agirl Ron, and agirl, i think im starting to get the point... so basically tell him everything of what gets me going, and i should be good? correct? No.......lol But you will have given him something to work with. If you want someone to paint a picture, or cook a meal that you will like , it helps to give them SOME idea of what you like. You're talking of bedroom stuff and although we (M and I) have plenty of that............the whole sharabang began outside of the bedroom....so I'm no expert on bedroom beginnings. I'm just speaking from what seems like a common sense approach to me. agirl

antipode -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 4:00:22 PM)
quote: how do i help him truly become a Master? Have him do his own talking. Or are you seriously suggesting we tell you, you tell him,. he asks you, you ask us.... dysfunctional, methinks.

DesFIP -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/14/2009 7:08:37 PM)
Stop telling him he isn't good enough. Stop telling him he doesn't do it like your previous master did. Just because you don't respond submissively to him doesn't mean nobody will. Why don't you work on being a better submissive to him? Why not work on changing yourself so that you do respond submissively to him? And wanting him to magically know what to do is setting him up to fail. He isn't a mindreader. Let him find someone who thinks he is wonderful just like he is. Or don't you think he deserves to be loved like that?

CreativeDominant -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/15/2009 7:36:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mommahkitten quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail quote: but this is where the silly part comes in, i dont want to TELL a Master this right away what my secret loves are, i want them to figure it out on there own or else it'll be too easy you see what im saying now? Sorry, that is some fucked up shit, that is beyond silly. That may be what you want in your girly girly imagination but this works best as an open book test. IF I CAUGHT YOU playing such a game with me, I would thread you both ways thru every wall and window in my house. Ron you guys REALLY dont like that?? ok... hmm but dont you guys have a similar reaction where you dont want someone to get too close, to figure you all out? it's like reading the last page of a good book before reading the whole thing piece by piece No....most of us don't like that...see Ron's answer...and most submissives know we don't like it...see agirl's answer. Remember, the first part of what I wrote had to do with knowing yourself...and then giving that information to "YOUR" dominant so that he can internalize and process and use it. We are not mind-readers and the infinite variety among submissive women...hell, among people in general...makes the choice of "what does she like, what doesn't she like" too confusing. When I spoke of two of my submissives above, please note that I stated that I gleaned this information about them from what THEY told me, not what I guessed at. What you give to a casual partner is your business but even in that case, understand this...if you are not upfront about what you like when you play and what you will let a casual partner do/not do in comparison to YOUR partner, it is likely that sooner or later they are going to be doing something that you hold "in reserve" for your serious partner and at that point you have a pissed-off dominant who assumed...because you never said no until right up to the action...that everything was in bounds. As for the final part of your post...us not wanting someone to get too close or to figure us all out...that's not completely accurate. I want my submissive to know me but there is a world of difference in my having all her information in order to guide her to a level of submission in which the dynamic is satisfied, I am satisfied and she is satisfied AND her needing to know me enough to know that I care about her and have her best interests as well as mine at heart.

ranja -> RE: Question for the dear Masters (10/15/2009 7:52:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mommahkitten once again thank you so much :D will keep you updated on what will happen :) Yes please do, ... you said you might get back together when he is a Master, so i take it he is practising his stuff on someone else now? and in the meantime you are having wild flings with dominant guys who are supposed to read your mind? You can waste an awful lot of time wishing for superman you know (and this is experience speaking) If you want him to be your Master and you want to start with bedroom stuff i suggest you ask him if it is ok with him if you ask for permission from him everytime you want to masturbate... and then if he wants and takes that control, you do not cheat!

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