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porcelaine -> RE: need help (10/21/2009 11:27:08 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solsticegirl
i have been in a D/s relationship for most of my adult life. However, i have managed to screw it up badly. For a long time, i agreed to do things that i didn't feel comfortable doing. Then, of course, the discomfort would eventually become obvious to my Master, resulting in drama, and leaving Him with the belief that i am not honest or trustworthy. After i stopped doing that, i drew lines and made boundaries where i shouldn't, because i was so nervous in dealing with Him. Now, it's all a mess. He doesn't trust me and doesn't want to engage in kinky activities with me, and i want to move things forward and repair what i have done, but i am terrified of pushing too hard and being disrespectful. i'm also terrified to try and be rejected -- i have bad issues with rejection. What do i do to repair this? Where do i start?
when we fear rejection we generally attempt to compensate by putting ourselves in situations that appear secure. we also avoid rocking the boat or behaving in a manner that would cause the person to have a change of heart as well. the problem with this is that we make compromises to ourselves, partner, and relationships in an effort to contain the fear that controls our actions. your willingness to agree to what he asked for was probably inspired by the fact he wanted you. if you showed resistance or expressed a desire not to engage in this way, he might change his mind and let you go. i also think there may have been good intentions involved and you were attempting to make an honest effort as well.
you've heard the term what's buried always resurfaces. that's what happened. all those feelings you pushed aside came bubbling to the surface once it was time to do what he'd asked. it is difficult to fake discomfort. while our words may say one thing, the body language will tell a different story and your master saw the discrepancy. which led him to question why it was there given the previous agreement. in his mind you said yes and he's at a loss why that has changed.
i see the lines and boundaries as your attempt to regain control. some part of you recognized the compromises were unhealthy and actually caused more harm than the thing you feared originally. your response is normal and typically what people do when they feel threatened and try to protect themselves from further harm. the boundaries are actually barriers in this vain. the problem of course is that this is a power exchange and you shut out the one you were supposed to be opening up to.
i have often felt the tower that we escape to can become a jail if we linger in its space too long. this is where the nervousness comes in. it was a breach on the safe environment you'd created for yourself. difficulties in communication will arise the longer you remain in this place. of course you understand where his lack of trust stems from. he's hurt and so are you and there's this issue sitting between you as well. now this is what i'm going to advise.
let it go. it happened. yesterday is gone. no matter how we try to go back we never can. all that you can do is start where you are begin to rebuild. i am of the belief that love has no memory. if this is the man you want and you have given him your heart, fight for it. view the discomfort, uncertainty, and fear as the obstacles you must surmount in order to have what you want - him. don't allow anything to separate you from the goal, and don't focus on what it will take to achieve it. you will become disheartened and depressed. maintaining a positive mind is paramount if you want to succeed. this means courting rejection and understanding he may not budge or may take time to do so. gird yourself and be prepared for some difficult moments. remembering while they occur, he's worth it.
no one ever promised us a rose garden. you see a hopeless situation and i see one that can allow growth and the cessation of the chain that held you captive. not his yoke, but the fear of being rejected. you have already shown him your worst and he's still there. taking time off from the kinky activities is okay. there are trust issues and wounded hearts to heal. focus on that right now because a healthier you and You makes a far stronger us. most of all, keep your eye on the prize. if he inspires this desire in you and you're willing to go through so much more to regain what you've supposedly lost. consider what you will have when it occurs and what you will have become in the process.
i would rather try and fail then never lift a finger. sometimes a second chance is really the beginning of tomorrow. i wish you luck.
porcelaine
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