Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Violation of Hard Limits


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Violation of Hard Limits Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:36:46 AM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline 		A question I'm wrestling with is whether or not to have a second encounter with a Domme who violated an agreed upon Hard Limit.Now this is strictly a play partner,there is no possibility for a relationship...just play
The hard limit was violated,quickly apologised for and an awkward moment led to early termination of the scene.(Details of the H/L aren't important in the big picture).Now this Domme would like to play again....is very embarresed over having screwed up in the first place.....my question is this....is it worth it to play again with a top who so loses sense of the scene that they would cross a h/l line...or should I just write it off and move on?

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:41:02 AM   
maat


Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Did you get a honest answer as to why the hard limit was broken? Do you belive that they will respect your hard limits in the future? why do you want to risk a hard limit beeing broken again?

Personaly, if a hard limit was broken with me and i didnt get a good explenation i wuld say no way, eaven with a good explenation i wuld hessitate to play alone with them.

(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:41:24 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

A question I'm wrestling with is whether or not to have a second encounter with a Domme who violated an agreed upon Hard Limit.Now this is strictly a play partner,there is no possibility for a relationship...just play
The hard limit was violated,quickly apologised for and an awkward moment led to early termination of the scene.(Details of the H/L aren't important in the big picture).Now this Domme would like to play again....is very embarresed over having screwed up in the first place.....my question is this....is it worth it to play again with a top who so loses sense of the scene that they would cross a h/l line...or should I just write it off and move on?

Only you can answer that question.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:42:43 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		I think he already has, but isn't ready to accept the answer.

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:44:11 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

I think he already has, but isn't ready to accept the answer.

I agree

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:48:15 AM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: maat

Did you get a honest answer as to why the hard limit was broken? Do you belive that they will respect your hard limits in the future? why do you want to risk a hard limit beeing broken again?

Personaly, if a hard limit was broken with me and i didnt get a good explenation i wuld say no way, eaven with a good explenation i wuld hessitate to play alone with them.
Well therin lies the question.....is there ever a good explanation for a hard limit being broken....Personally I'm not so sure...basically it was a heat of the moment thing...and that is what bothers me...I like to think,after placing myself in a vulnerable position that the Domme is in control and under control....this brings into question something that shouldn't be in question.

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4


(in reply to maat)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:48:28 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Trust is a difficult thing to gain, much less regain. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, and relay that honesty to the person in question. My Grandpa used to say that it took 100 attaboys to equal one screw up, which is a way to say that if the person in question is sincere, they will work on regaining that trust.



_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:48:30 AM   
cuffncollar


Posts: 73
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline 		Same thing happened to me very recently. It wasn't so much of a hard limit, just something i wasn't familiar with and hadn't thought about.  It shattered my trust in that Dom.  I could never session with him again.

(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:50:58 AM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

I think he already has, but isn't ready to accept the answer.
That could very well be MM....but sometimes it is nice to hear what others think about things.....if only to validate your own thinking.
And to be honest I'm leaning towards passing on any further encounters.If I can't trust ,and trust easily....Than I can't really enjoy and get to that place I'm trying to go.

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4


(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:53:18 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		I think that's the right decision, mike.

Best to you.

(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 10:53:46 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		I guess it depends on the sincerity of the apology, the attitude of the domme towards the violation and redemption and your evaluation of whether she can really be trusted not to go overboard again. I have once been in a situation where a hard limit was violated. I'm still with the guy, and it was really only because he showed sincere redemption and went out of his way to regain my trust. I trust him completely now to not step over the line.  I hope this helps a tiny bit. 

(in reply to cuffncollar)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:01:38 AM   
slvemike4u


Posts: 17896
Joined: 1/15/2008
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Viridana

I guess it depends on the sincerity of the apology, the attitude of the domme towards the violation and redemption and your evaluation of whether she can really be trusted not to go overboard again. I have once been in a situation where a hard limit was violated. I'm still with the guy, and it was really only because he showed sincere redemption and went out of his way to regain my trust. I trust him completely now to not step over the line.  I hope this helps a tiny bit. 
Well see in your example though you are speaking on a r/t that apparently had the capacity to bloom into something longterm.I can understand trying to move past a mistake when that is on the table.
In my situation this is nothing more than possible play encounters...I have nothing invested in nor nothing possible other than play.....so passing on it when I consider the lack of investment seems the prudent thing to do.

_____________________________

If we want things to stay as they are,things will have to change...Tancredi from "the Leopard"

Forget Guns-----Ban the pools

Funny stuff....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNwFf991d-4


(in reply to Viridana)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:05:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The problem is that she isn't in control. She gets excited and forgets what she promised, what was agreed upon and does what she wants.

So how can she have gone from out of control to in control in just a few weeks? Ask her how you could trust her after she did what she did. Ask her how she has changed and why so that she is suddenly trustworthy when she wasn't before. Ask her how she will control herself. I'm betting she doesn't have any good answers.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:19:56 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*nods* What Orion said.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:36:06 AM   
maat


Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		slvemike4u  -- i think you alredy know what you need to do.
The heat of the moment thing is dangerus. There is verry few ocations were i can apriciate that the Dom i play with loose controle of himself. But eaven if he does, i have no doubt that if i called out a safe word he wuld stop.

To be able to let go i need to be able to trust the one im with. we do play with trust and safty. This is why we need hard limits as well as safewords maybe more so than ever when we only have play dates with Dominants instead of beeing in Ds relationships were you have a somewhat diffeent dynamic and a history.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:37:35 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		I know I'm playing the devil's advocate here, and being someone whose sole interest in BDSM is relationship-based rather than "play" based, my input may not be all that relevant. However,  I can easily imagine situations in which I'd feel quite comfortable continuing on with someone who'd violated a hard limit. But it would certainly depend on the circumstances.

For one thing, it would obviously depend upon what the limit was, but it would also depend on the reason the limit was violated. Was it intentional, or accidental? If it was intentional, it would be extremely difficult for me to ever really trust her again, but then again I can conceive of a number of hard limits that could arguably be violated by accident. Granted, ideally it's something that never should happen, but people are human and I've noticed more than once that the world is an imperfect place. Things can go wrong. My first approach would be to have a thorough discussion, which I'm sure Mike already has. If I could be satisfied that there was a reasonable explanation, and we'd had a productive discussion about how to prevent a similar occurrence in the future, I'd be comfortable going forward.

But, Mike, it sounds as though you've already pretty much worked  that procedure. And the result is that for whatever reason, on a fundamental level you still don't feel comfortable with it. I guess your answer is clear, unfortunately.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:40:12 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		OP
the words in "hard limit"are not so difficult to understand

(in reply to maat)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:41:09 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvemike4u

Now this Domme would like to play again....is very embarresed over having screwed up in the first place.....my question is this....is it worth it to play again with a top who so loses sense of the scene that they would cross a h/l line...or should I just write it off and move on?


the answer is very simple. which is greatest in your mind, your desire to play with this person or the infraction? whichever has prominence will impact your decision. i'm of the belief that if you want something bad enough and mistakes occur that change the situation, your original desire and commitment to the person will determine your response. if you deem her worthy you'll forgive. if she feels you're worth it, she''ll work to regain your trust. for success to occur both parties must be willing to compromise. her efforts are fruitless if you're unable to budge.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to slvemike4u)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 11:48:50 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		ive
quote:

ORIGINAL: cuffncollar

Same thing happened to me very recently. It wasn't so much of a hard limit, just something i wasn't familiar with and hadn't thought about.  It shattered my trust in that Dom.  I could never session with him again.
I have a question for you then...you state that this dominant did something that did not break a hard limit, he did something which you had not thought of and were not familiar with.  So why did it shatter your trust?  Was it because:

Whatever he did was something, that AFTER the fact, you consider to be an intimacy reserved for you and YOUR dominant?  If it had not occurred to you before the play and you did not mention it to the dominant, then did you just expect him to know that the particular something you are speaking of would end up being a no-go and break your trust?

Whatever it was he did squicked you in a way you didn't expect and you feel that he should have known...without discussion...that it would?

Whatever he did was something that you feel "most dominants" would know is not something you should do with a casual play partner?

In case you can't tell by my questions, it is my opinion that your situation is very different from slavemike's.  In his case, hard limits were discussed, soft limits were discussed and negotiated and really acceptable levels of play and submission were discussed and negotiated.  Armed with this knowledge, the femdominant broke a limit anyway.  I can see where mike's trust would be broken.  In a case such as yours---at least from the content of your post---the dominant broke your trust by doing something that even YOU, let alone him---unless he's a mindreader and how many times does it have to be said that we are not?--- did NOT EVEN know would do so. 



< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/17/2009 12:12:07 PM >

(in reply to cuffncollar)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Violation of Hard Limits - 10/17/2009 12:34:50 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Panda's answer is actually spot on.  Pretty good for someone who doesn't play.  

I'd have to ask what the limit was and the circumstances around it being violated.  For example, if in your negotiations you had said you had an upper back issue, so you had a hard limit of being struck in a particular area, but the top accidentally hit that area, I see that as unintentional.  The limit was broken, but it was a mistake.  There's no top out there who has 100% accuracy from day one and a mislaid strike can happen.

Now, if it's a case of you had a hard limit of no knife play, but in the middle of the scene the top held a knife to your throat, that's a pretty clear cut case of not having respect for your limits.

One scenario is an accident and the other is intentional.  Depending on what really happened here would sway My answer.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Violation of Hard Limits Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094