You're Not a Real Sub!!

You're Not a Real Sub!! (Full Version)

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MMagic -> You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:16:56 PM)
I'm still considering myself a rookie with my very short lived experiences but have slowed down considerably in talking to Doms and getting to involved. But I DID have coffee with one this past week and though I was crazy attracted, I'm proud to say I maintained my composure to a degree. I'd already explained to said Dom that I was still coming out of my first and only D/s relatioship and I needed to take things extremely slow and he of course said he understood but began the next day asking me to do things. I'd already said several times that I will NOT obey any commands given until we've decided we're officially Dom and sub. And I've been told by my few Dom 'friends only' that this is not a bad way to approach it. So said Dom says to me after I refused to do what he'd asked that he didn't think I was a 'real' submissive because my personality didn't come off like a submissive AND since he was more experienced he knew it so. I have to say that my jaw dropped at hearing this because wow...it's not like he knew me well at all. This was a coffee date, he didn't even know my real name so how could you jump to ANY conclusion. After I got over the initial shock I gave him a link one of you here provided me when I was told this before by another Dom and I was doubting myself..maybe I'm not then what the hell am I? I don't have any desire to dominate men at all, so I can't even say switch...maybe I'm in the wrong place. I wish I could remember who sent me this, big big kisses and thank you because it put my mind at ease in knowing what kind of sub I am. So today after reading my journal (that closely resembles this post) I thought what if there are other confused new subs out there? They may not see my journal but I can post in the forums and perhaps others here will chime in too. What kind of sub are you out there guys and gals? Take a look at this link before answering so my post will make more sense in case I'm not making any...yeah...too much coffee.. http://www.steel-door.com/High_End_Submissive.html

DarkSteven -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:20:56 PM)
Okay, calm down. The "You're not a REAL sub" line has been used by fake Doms for a long time. It's used either as a means to coerce you into doing something he wants you to do, or else as a putdown after his widdle ego got bruised. Suffice it to say that him agreeing to not Dom you right away and then trying it was your first red flag, and his pulling the "not a real sub" is your second red flag. Run, don't walk. And laugh him off. Don't let him into your head and cause you doubt.

IrishMist -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:25:42 PM)
quote: So said Dom says to me after I refused to do what he'd asked that he didn't think I was a 'real' submissive because my personality didn't come off like a submissive AND since he was more experienced he knew it so. snort REading books and fantisizing does not make experience. Even if the so called dick in question is 50 years your senior. Fuck him. You know who you are. You don't need some two bit wanna be dickless and clueless immature bastard telling YOU what you already know.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:46:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: So said Dom says to me after I refused to do what he'd asked that he didn't think I was a 'real' submissive because my personality didn't come off like a submissive AND since he was more experienced he knew it so. snort REading books and fantisizing does not make experience. Even if the so called dick in question is 50 years your senior. Fuck him. You know who you are. You don't need some two bit wanna be dickless and clueless immature bastard telling YOU what you already know. hahahaha Irish, you are too funny, but also very right.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:52:33 PM)
What DarkSteven said. That guy's a clueless, insecure jerk. Bolster your self-esteem, and turn on your jerk meter- so that that the next time some asshole starts spouting off, you'll cut off contact with him instead of doubting yourself.

tazzygirl -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 1:54:59 PM)
you turned him down. bad sub... bad bad sub... no wonder why he said you werent a real sub... his feelings were hurt. poor man ~swipes the sarcasm dripping from my lips you did exactly what you felt was right for you to do. always keep that perspective.

odysseyIndeed -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:04:10 PM)
Hey! Don't listen to him .. like you said he doesn't know you. And that's a great article. It is one of the first ones i read years ago when i discovered there was a label for me :) i felt like it was written for me. edited for poor grammar :)

Viridana -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:05:10 PM)
As a rule of thumb, as soon as somebody starts to throw the words "real" or "true" around, they very often don't have a clue of what they are doing. If they did they wouldn't need to reach to such petty manipulation. Said words can as such, also be used as a cue when to bow out gracefully. Don't worry hon [:)] you didn't miss a thing with this guy.

leadership527 -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:10:05 PM)
One thing that will always confuse me is that in these situations, when the dominant makes a demand of the submissive and then fails to get his way, why is it the submissive's fault? As I understood it, the dominant was theoretically dominant... shouldn't it be his fault for being a dumbass and overplaying his hand? And this next part is just my opinion, but I find anything on steel door to be... well.. ridiculous. The very title of that page... high end submissive... snorts. Oh puleaze. In my experience, actual human beings resist neat little cubby holes like that... no matter how appealing it is to be "high end" vs. what... a low-end submissive? laughs more

LanceHughes -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:13:18 PM)
I find that (in general) those that say "I am a Master," aren't. Even after 25 years plus in the scene I've never said that about myself. Masters are identified by other's opinions of the Master's training, skills, etc... (I have been told I'm "masterful.") Maybe you could have said to him - "Oh, yeah. Says who?" Well maybe not voiced it, but said it to yourself. LOL! You GO, girl. Your doubts are true, but not well-placed. When you have such doubts about what is happening (above, those doubts are called "red flags"), don't assume you are at fault. Takes two to tango and if your partner missed a step, well, don't let him put the blame on you!

Musicmystery -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:13:34 PM)
I was thinking that too. If you have to tell her she's submissive and should obey, and she isn't, you're really not doing it right... [;)]

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:40:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven The "You're not a REAL sub" line has been used by fake Doms for a long time But... But... But... according to the BDSM "PC" POLICE in CollarMe's forums, I thought there's NO SUCH THING AS FAKE DOMS... or maybe the REALITY memo finally went out?!!

MMagic -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 2:49:51 PM)
Wow, Thanks guys so much for the support, but this went in a whole different direction that I intended, lol! But I guess still desired effect was acheived. Keep 'em coming!!

sweetsub1957 -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 5:51:13 PM)
~Fast Reply~ Rather than you not being a "twue" submissive, maybe He's not a "twue" Master/Dom. And maybe He's just uptight cause He didn't get His own way from someone that didn't yet belong to Him. Hmmm. Imagine that.

DesFIP -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 5:55:03 PM)
My response to that was always "you're right. I am really not your submissive nor ever going to be". The other thing here is what's the hurry? Why does he have to do everything inside of a week, or isn't he planning to still be around in six months? Because a guy pushing for right now, is someone who just wants another notch on his belt. I do think dominants tend to push for what they want and I don't have a problem with that. But when I say he needs to slow down, as he's pushing me away, that's when I judge them. A guy like this who won't back off isn't one who cares about making sure you enjoy it too. The Man is the only one who not only apologized but instructed me to tell him sooner next time if he was making me uncomfortable.

lizi -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 8:27:12 PM)
I met quite a few Doms in my 'tryout' period. I explained to all of them that I was talking to and/or meeting others in the hopes of finding a good match. In retrospect the ones who balked at my meeting and talking with others ended up being the ones that did not in the end deserve my respect. One reason was that they were trying to isolate me from the beginning, but in this group there were inevitably more reasons not to choose them after getting to know them better. The Doms who understood and WANTED me to make a good choice by exploring what was available revealed themselves over time to have those qualities which make a good Dom and partner...for me. It takes a very confident person to say 'have a look around, I hope you come back and choose me but in the mean time check things out.' These men started off on the right track by RESPECTING what I told them in the beginning. They never tried to tell me I was wrong in how I wanted to do things. OP, you have spent some time thinking about what you're looking for and you're going about it in a way that you have determined is best for you. Find the person who respects this process and doesn't try to replace it with something he thinks is better - he doesn't know you yet and isn't in a position (yet) to know what is best for you. Anyone who thinks they can take what they want from the beginning by just saying so doesn't really understand the process of Dominance and submission do they?

Azurenightsky -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 8:53:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl you turned him down. bad sub... bad bad sub... no wonder why he said you werent a real sub... his feelings were hurt. poor man ~swipes the sarcasm dripping from my lips you did exactly what you felt was right for you to do. always keep that perspective. That sarcasm hit like a cum shot to the face... I agree with the above posts, you decide who you obey. Saying no to someone you haven't accepted as your Dom, even as a temporary one, does not make you a bad sub, it makes you a more desirable one(At least in my eyes) because it proves you have sound judgment and have a mind behind the obedience. To capture a lovely mind is worth more then a thousand blank eyed subs.

tazzygirl -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 9:01:09 PM)
facials arent always a bad thing [:D]

Azurenightsky -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 9:09:32 PM)
Lol, I must admit, I wouldn't know. Though I have given a few...

MMagic -> RE: You're Not a Real Sub!! (10/17/2009 11:10:33 PM)
You all made my day here and it's not what I came here and posted for but ALWAYS good to come away with a pleasant surprise. I'm listening and learning and the newest red flag for me, especially here is a blank profile, lol. Or profiles that haven't been updated in years. What's funny is if I'd been paying attention to my ex's profile I'd have caught that his journals, his ONLY journals were two posts nearly a year apart, addressing two subs that he'd broken camp with and they both said the EXACT SAME thing to a degree. I'm trying to stay positive and not get discouraged by lack of prospects here, but at this point I'm listening some old school Paula Cole -Where have all the Cowboys Gone and thinking I hear ya Paula, looking for mine too! I suppose it's time to get some rest, I'll check back tomorrow and write more tomorrow. Goodnight all and thanks for your lovely replies.

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