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I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/17/2009 11:46:50 PM   
aphotic


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline 		I've been doing this a lot, with the lifestyle, and am having some more issues after a 5 year marriage. Of course, some of you know that I have an over-abundant sense of humor, and that's what exactly what I'm alluding to.

I don't know how to portray myself so Domme's will take me seriously. I naturally have this attacking, dry sense of humor. I know it's a bad quality to have a growl that waits for a bite, but I'm just not that comfortable with people; and it's what I do. I don't mean to be a cynical asshole, but I know it's how I always come off.

"You're feisty for a sub." I hear all the time.

It's not even like that. I work, have a living, and am living on my own right now. I don't want to intentionally shit in anyone's corner, but I can't come out and contrive something that I'm not.

I'm desperately afraid that people don't take me seriously. I am, but I have a life to share too. I guess I'm greedy bastard because I want my cake, and to eat it too! To be available for a vanilla relationship, and another. I just need guidelines laid out more clearly in a relationship, or I'm afraid I'll cross them.

No, I don't feel like it makes me less submissive, just more particular. What am I even asking for?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/17/2009 11:53:15 PM   
Arrogance


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline 		Sounds like the best case scenario would be to do what I and many people on here do and mix your kink and romance in to one magnificent relationship.

'Tis the best advice I can give.

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 12:09:26 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm afraid I'm confused by your post.  Are you saying your marriage ended because you weren't a good sub?

If you want to be taken seriously, there will be times that your way of dealing with things by joking about them may not be the best approach.  Some people will see your sense of humor in ways that you don't intend at times.  It might be something you want to work on.

As for not wanting to pretend to be something you're not, I think that's the best approach.  Nobody ever said the word 'submissive' describes everybody who is kinky and doesn't prefer the top side.  Trust Me, there are more than enough folks trying to pretend they are something they are not.  Eventually, the truth comes out and it tends not to be pretty.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Arrogance)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 12:14:17 AM   
aphotic


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline 		My marriage died because she joined the military, cheated on me, and that consequence of war happened before the divorce. Sorry, I wasn't clear about it, but I hope you all can take a hint.

I appreciate it though, from you both, about it. I agree that joking isn't always right, but maybe I'll pay more attention hearing it from someone else. And Arrogance, yes, it is inspiring to see a mix of both, so I wish your relationship longevity.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 12:37:54 AM   
Arrogance


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline 		By the way some people can appreciate a caustic wit so long as they can laugh at themselves. Granted, I suppose what you're saying could some off as a bit more aggressive than caustic. But best bet might be to tone it down a slight bit but to find someone with a similar sense of humor.

I like to think I'm not too alone in my appreciation of the caustic and sardonic.

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 12:44:08 AM   
CravingMore


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/15/2009
Status: offline 		Hi
Coming from someone who has been told that she has a very sarcastic sense of humour i know what you mean to some degree. it's important to be honest and to be yourself and i think the right Dominant will find you and appreciate you for yourself. Just because you're not timid and meek doesn't mean you aren't submissive. I agree with Arrogance's post above that finding someone with a similar sense of humour will help and well i might just add something extra to the relationship

(in reply to Arrogance)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 5:08:30 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		One of the issues that I have had with subs is when they try to guess what's in my head, and guess wrong.  They do something to please me, and it has the opposite effect.  Nothing that communication won't fix.

aphotic, you're a sub.  Embrace that, and relax, and let your Domme, whomever she ends up being, call the shots.  Quit trying to "fix" yourself until you know what she likes about you and what she wants to change.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CravingMore)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 7:50:13 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		i understand your predicament as i used to use my humor as a shield in situations that i was uncomfortable with. relax and go to meet and greets and chat regularly this helps to get to know some of the folks and will reduce your tension. also do volunteer work for the local clubs or organizations as this will also help reduce the anxiety that you are feeling. be open and honest with those that you meet and your perfect Domm(E) will find you. it worked for me.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 8:05:55 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic

I don't know how to portray myself so Domme's will take me seriously. I naturally have this attacking, dry sense of humor. I know it's a bad quality to have a growl that waits for a bite, but I'm just not that comfortable with people; and it's what I do. I don't mean to be a cynical asshole, but I know it's how I always come off.

"You're feisty for a sub." I hear all the time.


if it is your natural persona and not a defense mechanism then that's cool. but if you're being this way to keep people off balance until you feel them out you might wish to employ other methods instead. it is doubtful that your humor is the culprit unless the people you're attracted to or attracting are typically uptight. i avoid that sort and generally find i go for men with strong personalities and a stronger tongue. for some weird reason we mesh like dough.

if you're being told that you're feisty and the comment comes up more than once, perhaps you should examine your behavior to see if there's some truth to what's being said. everyone can't be mistaken and you may discover things that are tweakable that will improve your chances.

the other thing to keep in mind is that personalities run the gamut. just because you clash with someone doesn't mean that person isn't a contender or there's something wrong with you either. sometimes the clashing takes place because you're a lot alike and will butt heads on occasion. i think this tempers as both settle in and find their rhythm.

there's a certain kind of electricity to relations of this nature and either you like them or you don't. their relentless nature and unbending will challenges mine and i'm often catapulted into a deeper state of submission. i recognize my frustration for what it is and accept that i'm probably drawn to Him and developing an attraction. otherwise His actions wouldn't spark a reaction on my part.

i think it really helps when you understand what draws you in. i'm not referencing things that people plaster on their profiles, but those hidden triggers that you know when touched will make you cave. if you acknowledge them mentally you'll recognize the signs when you encounter her. it is probable this person will be accepting of the other things you find others can't deal with. nor will they have the same prevalence because you'll be more surrendered anyway. you may discover they fall by the wayside altogether.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 8:55:59 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I have a sarcastic bit of humor to me and I can appreciate it in someone else... except for when it comes from anger and presents as a protective measure or passive aggressive. Ironic situations or oxymoronic will draw me in all the time. I really do not want to hurt anyone with humor and resent people who use humor to hurt people. Pay attention to where your humor is coming from.

Also, timing is everything. I think to use sarcastic humor within a relationship, you better know that person very well! Most often my sarcastic isn't directed at someone... sometimes on the boards I may go there, but most often I won't do that to someone.

I have seen a number of your journal entries Apothic and I think you are far above average in intelligence, but I also think (personal opinion) that there are anger and wounds behind some of what you say and do. Trying to trust someone while you may have these wounds is going to be a real challenge. If you feel critical, defensive or project that someone will hide something to get you again, I don't think you are ready and that would keep me from trying to get close to you, no matter how your intelligence or humor sparked my interest.

You may have to temper yourself and watch your tongue, but communicate in the right time about what you feel and think so that you aren't holding things in, just picking your timing.

Sometimes if someone is somehwhat ready and are willing to give up the fear base they use to protect themselves, they can get close to someone they come to respect, but if you feel you must defend yourself and are looking to be fucked with... you need to heal far more. One key here would be not to jump in too fast.

Good luck...

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 9:05:22 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic
My marriage died because she joined the military, cheated on me, and that consequence of war happened before the divorce. Sorry, I wasn't clear about it, but I hope you all can take a hint.

There must have been more. An adulterous woman is no issue for a Christian (and actually a cause to rejoice): they simply say "Do it no more". Also, there was the mitigating circumstance of the war. If that was all, I do not consider that a reason for a divorce.

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 9:46:05 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I just got an email about my post here. Basically saying that fear is a good thing. Fear can be a good thing when there is something that is there that we should be afraid of, but we cannot use fear to protect us emotionally for too long without getting ourselves into trouble. Fear will limit what we can bring into our lives and happiness. Fear can protect, yes... but it can also destroy.

Making sure that fear doesn't limit us or keep us from finding what we seek is a part of healing, balancing things and being realistic. Yes, getting involved with someone holds some risk and we could get hurt, so it seems justified if we are afraid, but to remain so afraid that we cannot live and love freely, is not a realistic fear base. 

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 10:13:57 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic

"You're feisty for a sub." I hear all the time.
 
Sir used to call that "sassy" and He would say,  sassy is okay as long as it's not too sassy.  lol  It kind of made life interesting. 

quote:

ORIGNIAL: aphotic
I guess I'm greedy bastard because I want my cake, and to eat it too! To be available for a vanilla relationship, and another. I just need guidelines laid out more clearly in a relationship, or I'm afraid I'll cross them.

It sounds like you want love and romance and at the same time a D/s relationship with your Domme calling the shots.  That's what Sir & I had.  You can "have it all."  It's not impossible, you just have to be patient and you will find it.  Good luck! 


_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 3:15:49 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		What porcelaine said... again....

Well, except for what draws me in is boobies and people do seem to plaster those across their profiles.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 3:48:04 PM   
Azurenightsky


Posts: 14
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline 		Eh, some sass/sarcasm is fine with the right chemistry. Brings spice to life in an otherwise Cynical World.

_____________________________

Reality is naught but the testing grounds for Theory. Everything is subject to interpretation and interpretation is subject to everything.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 4:07:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

i understand your predicament as i used to use my humor as a shield in situations that i was uncomfortable with. relax and go to meet and greets and chat regularly this helps to get to know some of the folks and will reduce your tension. also do volunteer work for the local clubs or organizations as this will also help reduce the anxiety that you are feeling. be open and honest with those that you meet and your perfect Domm(E) will find you. it worked for me.


Well, since you're Mine, I get to comment.  LOL.

Some of the things that I appreciate most about clip are his sense of humor (not the cow jokes!) and his bright disposition.  While these are both good attributes, it is easy to see when they start being used in defense mode.  (The aforementioned cow jokes.)  It's almost an immediate sign that something is not right in his world.  It may not be something that is not particularly easy for him to come out and say, but you can absolutely see the shift in him.

This is something he has made great improvements on.  Even with the difficulty in current circumstances and the work he's putting in towards our M/s goal, he reverts to this mechanism less and less.  More often than not, he's learned to come to Me with his concerns than to try to hide them in false humor.  In turn, this has helped our connection grow.  It's a very positive cycle.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 4:31:41 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		you sound like a brat. Some people like that. Perhaps you have just not met the right person for you? I bet when you find your Lady she will just smile at your sassy mouth and put you in the corner for a while. Maybe your just discouraged after the whole marriage thing and all?

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I feel like I'm a bad submissive. - 10/18/2009 7:09:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Find somebody who likes a feisty sub and isn't threatened by it. As long as she knows she can shut you down when she needs to, and that you do stop joking when she says to, that's fine. Go out, meet people and find someone compatible. You sound like a great guy, just be honest with what you want - somebody who makes the lines clear.

I'd add to your profile, right at the top - "I guess I'm greedy bastard because I want my cake, and to eat it too! To be available for a vanilla relationship, and another. I just need guidelines laid out more clearly in a relationship, or I'm afraid I'll cross them." Because that states more clearly than anything what you're looking for.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/18/2009 7:13:18 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 18
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