What did I have here?

What did I have here? (Full Version)

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sweetobedience1 -> What did I have here? (10/18/2009 4:34:14 PM)
I know people don't need to have labels, but I want to know about this.. I previously dated a man who never would ever say he was interested in BDSM. I was and am. He, however, was very dominant emotionally. I was ordered not to cry, when to talk, what to say, to do chores, to basically be at his beck and call in every way other than sexually. I bowed before him, and he knew it. He would call me all kinds of names and take and give his love and affection exactly how he wanted to do so. The sexual part confused me. I was dominant in this regard...well, I'm asking if this is the right word? I'm not thinking it is. He would always allow or disallow me to do things sexually. However, I 49/50 times..increasingly the longer we were together.. initiated new and regular sexual acts. I was wanting it all the time, but sometimes he said no and the specific acts I initiated were always under his demand in reality. And, he did get off this way. Here's where I also get confused: we tried some non-vanilla things, specifically anal play and hitting (on him) that I suggested pretty early on. I was always trying to get my tongue or finger in there, sometimes he would let me, sometimes not. But, it was pretty much where he was the dominant one who really liked to "play" submissive. It worked up to where I was hitting him (not very hard) and calling him names and he "acted" like he didn't like it but would stay around, tease and tempt me, and not really seemingly exert any control during this time where he most certainly would other times and in other areas. Was I dealing with a dominant who liked to be spanked, "taken" by a girl, and doing some anal play? An emotional dominant and submissive sexual? Or a switch? Or was he into anal play but didn't want to admit it/ order me to, so he just let me? Reason being, I purely want to know and will help me verbalize what I want from a new partner. Ie: We broke up because I wanted him to be committed to me only and he didn't/ wouldn't/ couldn't- who knows? I did live with him and he wanted me to stay. Please ask if I'm leaving out important bits! I am not the best at verbalizing myself.

DesFIP -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 5:56:34 PM)
There are dominants who enjoy pain. Usually we think of tops as the sadists but that doesn't have to be the case. I've known of dominants who order the subs to top, they'll say use this flogger, focus on the upper back, now switch to this paddle and make sure to hit the sweet spot, etc. Sadist and masochist don't always neatly align with dominant and submissive. It sounds as though he was a masochistic dominant but one who wasn't honest about it and wouldn't tell you what to do, instead he manipulated him into hitting and humiliating him. Anal play is different. Stimulating the prostate is very pleasant. Lots of guys want a finger up there giving them more pleasure. You aren't suddenly dominant because you enjoy your clit being played with, it's just a highly erogenous zone. Well the prostate is that for men, we can't assume that they feel about ass play the way women do. Besides a woman's finger is much smaller than a man's penis (hopefully) so it is much less likely to be painful.

Level -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 6:13:01 PM)
lol Celeste re: hoping the finger is smaller. To the OP: using the terms the way I have come to define them, he sounds like a dominant switch. Dominant in all ways, but also enjoyed bottoming at times. I'm the same way, so to me, it isn't a confusing way to be, but it sure seems to be for others.

sweetobedience1 -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 8:32:31 PM)
Thank you both very much for your thoughts. I was largely very happy in that relationship and glad to have some words on how to express it.

leadership527 -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 8:50:10 PM)
Yup, I can identify with this also and I think dominant switch is a fairly decent description. Although honestly, just simply "dominant" also works for me. Obviously (based on the foot worship thread) some folks see it a lot differently. But to me, being Carol's master means I get my way. Carol has a really sexy top in her and I enjoy the hell out of playing with that side of her, as does she. So yeah, "my way" includes being the bottom sometimes. I'm realizing as I write this that the reason it wouldn't even really occur to me to qualify the switch part is that sexuality just wouldn't be worth noting to me. The part that matters to me is the real life stuff.

NihilusZero -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 8:58:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 Was I dealing with a dominant who liked to be spanked, "taken" by a girl, and doing some anal play? An emotional dominant and submissive sexual? Or a switch? Or was he into anal play but didn't want to admit it/ order me to, so he just let me? If he was still getting what he wanted out of sex, when he wanted it...what gives you the notion there is anything submissive at play at all?

Level -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 9:18:22 PM)
Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that. Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix... [:D]

NihilusZero -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 9:20:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that. Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix... [:D] How to CYA in BDSM, by Level. [:D]

leadership527 -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 9:33:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that. Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix... [:D] Yeah, I can see how it'd be more of a mess if I was dating in the BDSM scene. Then some sort of clarification would really be in order... it'd really help to screen out the folks who see d/s in terms of activies rather than mindsets. That's just another of those great divides where completely incompatible viewpoints are just best left apart.

Level -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 9:59:06 PM)
Jeff: Exactly. Getting into the relationship seemingly requires a thousand and one explanations, to head off confusion. I'd be interested to hear how you and Carol handled all that. NZ: LOL... yes, CYA was the first in a trilogy, you know... followed by Hell No, Just Because I Had Switch In My Profile Doesn't Mean I Want to Do My Own Laundry, and I'm working on the final tome, Bottoming Dominantly (Just You Wait Until I Get These Cuffs Off!)[X(]

leadership527 -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 10:00:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level Jeff: Exactly. Getting into the relationship seemingly requires a thousand and one explanations, to head off confusion. I'd be interested to hear how you and Carol handled all that. Uh, we cheated. We got married for 13 years before we started the whole M/s thing. That sort of trimmed down the whole "confusion" thing laughs.

Level -> RE: What did I have here? (10/18/2009 10:07:35 PM)
lol, ah, gotcha. [:D]

DesFIP -> RE: What did I have here? (10/19/2009 3:23:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Then some sort of clarification would really be in order... it'd really help to screen out the folks who see d/s in terms of activies rather than mindsets. That's just another of those great divides where completely incompatible viewpoints are just best left apart. But even those of us who do see the difference between submissive and bottom aren't necessarily interested in topping. It's not at all uncommon in my experience for a man to be dominant in the relationship yet prefers not to be in his sexuality. But the reverse of that, a woman who prefers being in charge sexually yet not in daily life, is very rare.

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