RE: I guess I gotta get married?

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Level -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:49:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee quote: ORIGINAL: Level Why the pressure to get hitched?? And if you do not want to...that's the answer. There's a reason you feel that way. God I miss you peoples. I don't want to get married. I don't see the reason or benefit. I don't love being alone but fuck me for a sell out too. Did you decide not to get married? Did it hurt your family? tee, there is NO benefit to marriage, unless you chose for there to be one. It is what you make it, in other words, and all the things that can be construed from that statement, you can have in a non-married relationship. I haven't faced this, but if I did, I would gently explain that it's my life, and that I had to do what I believed was right. As bad as they might feel over it, it's not going to kill them, and if they truly care about you, they'll get over it. And you are missed, too.

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:51:28 PM)
DV I have admired you and your relationship for so long...do you think that you were lucky, or do you think that you created your so good situation? Did you work to get what you have or did it occur?

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:53:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Do what you wanna do, not what everyone else wants you to do. Marriage for me is a sacred act and not something to be taken lightly. Get married because it's in your heart, not because you think that's what you should do. I know you are wise and have a really good relationship. Is that what your goal was? Did you set out to create it?

VampiresLair -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:53:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee DV I have admired you and your relationship for so long...do you think that you were lucky, or do you think that you created your so good situation? Did you work to get what you have or did it occur? Both, actually. I was lucky as hell to meet Fox. It was a 1 in a million chance that we happened to run into one another. The rest of it is work. We have to learn about one another, make sure we are meeting one anothers needs... theres a lot that goes into it. It doesnt have to be hard work, but it cant be taken for granted either. And days like today make it all worth it. Our wedding was this afternoon

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:54:30 PM)
Level! Do you want it or not want it? Do you have a position for you? God

johnsmith1000 -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:54:31 PM)
can i be the one to get you married?

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:56:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VampiresLair quote: ORIGINAL: subtee DV I have admired you and your relationship for so long...do you think that you were lucky, or do you think that you created your so good situation? Did you work to get what you have or did it occur? Both, actually. I was lucky as hell to meet Fox. It was a 1 in a million chance that we happened to run into one another. The rest of it is work. We have to learn about one another, make sure we are meeting one anothers needs... theres a lot that goes into it. It doesnt have to be hard work, but it cant be taken for granted either. And days like today make it all worth it. Our wedding was this afternoon OMG! Bless you both and thank you for your words! OMG!

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 8:59:39 PM)
There's disappointment dripping all around me...nothing else discussed or acknowledged. Vanilla men don't get me!

wulfgarw -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:04:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InvisibleBlack If you don't want to get married then you should not get married. Getting married to make the family happy or comfortable or to make someone else feel better isn't the answer. If you and your SO don't both want to be married, then my advice is to stay single and together and until you're both comfortable with the idea and looking forward to it. Besides, no one wants to be told "I married you to make my parents feel better." x2 here. But then, my father on marriage #9 right now, and my two best friends can't stand their wives because their wives changed into completely different people quite literally overnight after their weddings. From what I see, marriage is a very bad thing. So why do it other than to keep divorce lawyers employed, and the judge gives her 85% of everything and a 75% alimony check to boot. So tell the family to shove it, and live thine life as thou see fit. If they have a problem, walk away from them forever because they never had your best interests in the first place. And as a side note, if a SO says "Marry me or I'm leaving" that should raise a red flag that they're after your stuff/money and not you. After all, if a SO loves you, why do they need a contract with the state to do so? I'll say it again, marriage is bad. Rant off...

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:05:47 PM)
So lemme ask you this: if you were already alone, without someone, and your family was gonna leave you alone too without the potential for marriage, could you be that alone?

InvisibleBlack -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:08:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee You're right, InvisibleBlack, and yet, I feel the passage of time and how much family means in all of it. It's not insignificant and what else I got going on is work. No SO. so. Rather than setting out "to get married", my ten cents worth of advice is to set out to meet interesting and compatible people. Move work down a notch in priority and start focusing on going places and doing things where you're likely to meet people who you would enjoy being with. Put the effort into forming a healthy relationship first. If you "settle" for someone just for the sake of getting married, there's a chance of finding connubial bliss, but a much greater chance of realizing a couple of years down the road that this person isn't someone you're really happy with - and then having a lot of badness. You can't force love or happiness. By setting your goal at "marriage" you're basically setting your sights on a legal status. Don't. Set your sights on what you want out of a relationship. Then get out and meet people. I won't kid you - dating can suck and it can grind you down when it doesn't go well - but you've got be in it to win it. Sometimes, just out of the blue - bam you meet someone and it clicks. You can't make that happen, all you can is just be there until it does.

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:09:00 PM)
but if for real that means all alone by myself for now till forever?

impishlilhellcat -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:11:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wulfgarw x2 here. But then, my father on marriage #9 right now, and my two best friends can't stand their wives because their wives changed into completely different people quite literally overnight after their weddings. From what I see, marriage is a very bad thing. So why do it other than to keep divorce lawyers employed, and the judge gives her 85% of everything and a 75% alimony check to boot. So tell the family to shove it, and live thine life as thou see fit. If they have a problem, walk away from them forever because they never had your best interests in the first place. And as a side note, if a SO says "Marry me or I'm leaving" that should raise a red flag that they're after your stuff/money and not you. After all, if a SO loves you, why do they need a contract with the state to do so? I'll say it again, marriage is bad. Rant off... quote: ORIGINAL: InvisibleBlack If you don't want to get married then you should not get married. Getting married to make the family happy or comfortable or to make someone else feel better isn't the answer. If you and your SO don't both want to be married, then my advice is to stay single and together and until you're both comfortable with the idea and looking forward to it. Besides, no one wants to be told "I married you to make my parents feel better." I don't think ALL marriage is bad. I just think the institution of marriage has been tarnished. People don't take it as seriously as it deserves. I went to college with girls that were going to a very good University just to find a husband I don't get that at all. But ultimately I do agree someone shouldn't pressure someone else into marriage. You should do what's right for you. What makes your heart happy.

VampiresLair -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:11:48 PM)
Tee, you got mail :)

wulfgarw -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:16:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee So lemme ask you this: if you were already alone, without someone, and your family was gonna leave you alone too without the potential for marriage, could you be that alone? I already am that alone. If family won't support you the way you are, then they are a bad influence. Do you always come home tearing at your hair in frustration after visiting them? Do you feel your blood pressure rise just seeing their pictures? Do you loathe having to appear at family functions to the point it actually causes you pain (sharp stomachaches in my case)? It is actually better to be alone and happy than with family in pain. That's why I have friends, like my RL friends and you folks here on CM and a couple other boards that I haunt... I'm not 100% sure I'm making sense to most folks, but If I'm not, I'll attempt to explain it differently...

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:19:26 PM)
You're right. So much right. I've never set my mind to find marriage, quite the opposite. What I do every day is work. That's been mostly my deal . The folks are turning up the expectations because I think they're thinking about their own mortality. They are married 56 years in September...so how can they not feel it's the best for me? But I couldn't be with a vanilla man again...I really don't think I could. No. This too hard

impishlilhellcat -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:20:55 PM)
Subtee, Life has a funny way of working out. Just when you stop looking you may find what is you've been wanting all along.

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:21:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wulfgarw quote: ORIGINAL: subtee So lemme ask you this: if you were already alone, without someone, and your family was gonna leave you alone too without the potential for marriage, could you be that alone? I already am that alone. If family won't support you the way you are, then they are a bad influence. Do you always come home tearing at your hair in frustration after visiting them? Do you feel your blood pressure rise just seeing their pictures? Do you loathe having to appear at family functions to the point it actually causes you pain (sharp stomachaches in my case)? It is actually better to be alone and happy than with family in pain. That's why I have friends, like my RL friends and you folks here on CM and a couple other boards that I haunt... I'm not 100% sure I'm making sense to most folks, but If I'm not, I'll attempt to explain it differently... I come home from them sobbing. I love what they have and I love to see it...I hate that I hurt them to not have the same thing.

subtee -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:25:47 PM)
Lovely, lovely, and good god you guys deserve it

Level -> RE: I guess I gotta get married? (10/18/2009 9:26:29 PM)
tee, when you say your "family is going to leave you all alone", do you mean they're going to ostracize you?

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