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FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 1:34:12 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		 THis weekend I met with a potential..sub/slave..WE instantly clicked in many ways...most importantly MINDS..

We stayed up close to 30 hours..talking...laughing and in bliss...( no play or much talk of kink for that matter)

In speaking with him and our various discourses it bcame appraent to me there are several things I want to proceed with CAREFULLY and with much thought in order to OWN this man as my own.

He is willing...eager..has thought this all well..has served 3..is stable...knowing..
understands my STYLE somewhat...

I am asking for INPUT HERE ON THE FOLLOWING:
I KNOW WHAT I may be DOING ABOUT IT but want to know what you would do..or feedback/thoughts from you.
I also realize the info is sparse and you do not know US...


1) after much talking he said to me.."Intercourse is of no matter to me"
well it is to me...lots..!!
I explained this and he said he felt it was not DOMINANT.
After I explained I will OWN this ,this ,and this and do as I please with it
HE CLEARLY "GOT IT"
I have always had my needs met and can always round up a bull but it my desire that we have this physical contact with him also.
HOW can I reinforce it is NOT sub to want your sub to be used to *f* you or make love.
I can make him .....but  want the THOUGHT process there of WHY
to reinforce submission to it and of him.
 


2)he says things like..."When you first..........................to me" or "when you.............me" about things I have not said I do...
and he has been a toilet and this is his BLISS.and not exactly my thrill of a lifetime.( with her it was)
 
Could THIS be topping from the bottom? or simply the only reference he has that pleased "her".If it is something he NEEDS...
would denial of it serve more purpose than doing it?
Would NOT having these "referenced fetishes/scenerios" occur initially as we progress be a good way to see if he is really there to learn WHAT I WANT?


3)constant referral to last DOMME...I have said.."
."This is a refernce for now but soon I will ask you to say nothing more of your time with her"
.I wish to be HERE in the present and telling what I WANT.
How can I disipline/design training to ensure it is ME
he thinks about about?** (I know what I do ;NLP..scent..tasks..daily communiations..words.. etc..
but what do you do???..when there is intial distance?..we are 4 hours apart and may only have weekends to start.

4)although I had said no*sexual* physical contact I lay beside him at one point and he began to spontaniously kiss my feet and kneel which felt good and then moved on up.
I had not given permission and feel now MAYBE I should have corrected right then
althougth at the time I wanted him there( bwtween mylegs) where he will belong..and to take that feeling with him back home.
He then said.."Can I lay on the floor?"and wanted me to stand on him
I allowed him to lay down at my feet and I quietly rested my feet there.
He clearly wanted trampling which did not occur.
I felt there may be a"Power" going on so I told him to lay on is stomach on the bed..and I pinned him down and made sure he knew who was boss.
or so I thought..
while I never intended any BDSM actions to occur other than talking..presenceor checking of compatibility...
I ended up with the pinnend down- overpowering scenerio.
I felt I had to make a quick decision.
He melted to me and kept saying he felt safe..and would do anything for me.
 
I wanted to see what liberties he would "try" or if
he was a submissive as he said...then in my tiredness I  MAY have set a foundation of him "taking:"..or setting the scene....or did I?
BY taking control and pinning him..using my words..explaining how it would be..making him repeat.. etc I did control yes..
but yet I was..PULLED into it.
What do you think?WHO was in control there?
 
 
I am thrilled at the possibilties for I have met a highly intelligent man..
I am open to constructive criticism.feedback and support.
 
 
GM


< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 10/19/2009 1:50:10 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 3:20:59 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Ma`am, I will take your points one at a time, from a submissive male perspective.

1) He may have a reason for not wanting to make love, such as being insecure, but is hiding it under his claim of "Its not dominant"  I can tell you that if you initiate sex and stop when you are done but he isnt, he will be left feeling frustrated and wondering what had just ( in his case hadnt ) happened. If he doesnt see that as dominant, or having to make love when he isnt in the mood, or being woken at three AM , then I`m out of ideas ;)

2) It would seem he has his own ideas about service, nothing wrong in that. The test will be when you tell him you wont ever do something he desperately wants. He needs to understand from the start that there are limits to what you will and wont do, and that everything will take place at your speed, not his.

3) It`s common for people to talk about their previous partner, talking about his ex is okay, trying to turn you into her isnt. Only you can decide on his motives. If you explain his talking about his ex constantly upsets you, his next move should be illuminating. The proper outcome is he will stop doing something he now knows  displeases you.

4) If you had said nothing would take place then you should have stopped it at the start, and asked what the hell he was playing at. This would confirm that when you say no, you mean no. If you were testing him, did he pass or fail ? ( Respectfully, thats your call not ours )

Good luck with this.

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 3:27:32 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Before I even start, I'm going to tell you that My answers would not work for everyone.  It's just how I do things.

1.  On the greater scale, intercourse doesn't matter to Me, either.  I already have that.  When My males aren't with Me, I honestly couldn't care less.  In fact, I'm very old fashioned about it.  I am more emotionally driven than sexually driven.  I'll willingly be celibate during points of My life rather than have sex with those whom I share no intimacy.  This is true whether it's a vanilla or power based relationship.

With that said, if I put My collar on someone, I will take My rights as an owner.  Sexual service is a part of that.  I've had authority relationships where no sex was included, but I can't say that would be My preference today.  I could do it again for the right sub, but if I didn't have other sexual outlets, I think it would become an issue. 

2.  This one is difficult to answer.  It seems to Me that you are at the very beginning.  I can't speak for anybody else, but when I'm in those beginning phases, I have to know that the kinks and fetishes match up at least to some degree.  That's what I'm doing this for in the first place. 

While I don't have a fetish that is a make it or break it proposition, some people do.  If that one is his and you're not into it, that could be a real compatibility issue down the road.  I don't see this as topping from the bottom.  I see that as him putting his cards on the table in regard to what drives him.  That one in particular is pretty powerful on so many levels.  I think he's expressing that to you.

3.  On the constant referral, I see where you're coming from about not wanting to be in the past.  However, since you're just starting out, it's also time to be talking about the experiences that shaped each of you.  The two of you haven't really built any of your own shared experiences yet, so I can see him discussing his prior reference.  That's part of who is he is today.

If it was a little way down the road and the two of you were a bit more in depth than what you are now, it would probably be an issue.  Nobody wants to feel like they are being compared or hear constantly that the last Domme did this or that.  And for heaven's sake, put your foot down right now about any ideas he's got about serving you the 'right' way because that's how the last Domme did it.  I swear that is the curse of the experienced submissive. 

On the distance thing, it seems obvious to Me that you have a pretty good handle on the things that work.  What's been successful for Me has been giving those instructions that remind of his submission every day and submission to Me in particular.  If he were with you for dinner every evening, you'd be selecting the food and it would be cooked the way you like it, right?  Well, get him in practice now.  I've seen you post some wonderful recipes on different threads.  Send him out shopping and tell him he'll be making one of those dishes on a particular night.  How do you like your socks folded?  When he does his laundry, that's how it should be done.  (That's a true story of Mine, btw.)

It sounds like micromanaging, but it really isn't.  If you were in the same location, things would be getting done your way anyway, wouldn't they?

4.  Ah, the foot thing!  I have a particular soft spot for that Myself.  I can be persuaded.  LOL.  My boy certainly knows that it works.

Yes, I will see where the line is drawn, and who's doing the drawing.  I probably wouldn't have done the overpowering thing.  I'm more the type to leave the room.  (I said I can live without sex.  It doesn't mean I'm dead.)  If I'm not comfortable on all levels, I'm out.  Some may not see that as control, but I do.  I'm still getting the outcome that I intended.

After reading this through, I'm doubtful that it's a help in any way.  I hope you found something worthwhile.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 5:25:17 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		!. He said that sex was not important to him.  You said it was to you.  So he now knows.  If you feel during sex that he's not in a sub mindset, then just pinch his nipples or whack him.  He'll get the idea.

2. He's telling you what he likes.  It's your choice whether to grant that, to deny it, or save it for special treats.

3. Work your magic on him, and he'll think of you a LOT.  Have fun!

4. The fact that he initiated sexual contact does concern me.  However, you clearly gave him permission.  It wasn't him breaking your rules as much as you breaking them.

He said that he'd do anything for you.  He offered himself.  And you declined.  You were in control.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that when you said that sex was important to you, he might have considered that an invitation.  If he did, he handled it well.

Have fun!


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 7:59:53 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		GYPSYMAMBO,
First, it sounds as though there's a clear connection that you want to pursue, but you need to show him that you can control yourself as well as him. I think you somewhat failed in that regard but at the same time, showed him that there's a strong chemistry or positive reaction you're having to him which sends him a really good message about you that outweighs the slipping on the self control that occurred which I think can easily be fixed.

I agree with Lady Pact that letting each other know what pushes their buttons is a good thing as it lays the foundation for the comfortable kind of open communication that's sooo important in a relationship along with establishing that there's compatibility of kinks. His point of reference is clearly his past relationships. Now that the info has been shared, you need to let him know that in the future things will move at YOUR pace and what the two of you will do is going to be up to YOU and may not include all of what he did with any of his previous Dommes; that things will progress at whatever pace they progress, which YOU'll be in charge of, not him. Tell him he's not to ask for his kinks to be satisfied unless you specifically ask him what he'd like if you decide you want to at any given time.

You also need to tell him that you're a unique woman (as he's presumably already discovered during your 30 hours together) and you're not going to be like any of his previous Dommes. That's his opportunity to tell you what he has to have as part of the relationship. You can also choose to ask what's especially important to him and whether or not there's anything he can't live without in a relationship with you; something I'd highly recommend based on what you've shared.

By doing the above, you're clearly taking charge of the relationship and where it's going. You may later decide to indulge him by letting him at least "wipe" you after you've urinated or something along those lines; allowing him to provide some sort of "bathroom valet" service. BTW, you've not said whether or not the toilet play includes scat (I don't need to know) and I'm assuming we're just talking fluids. If its important to him, I suggest you discuss it with him further and have him explain his motivations behind wanting it. As you become increasingly closer/comfortable with him and more intimately attached, you may find you understand what's behind it, see the deep desire/need within him, and begin to have your own desire to begin to engage in it with him; perhaps starting in small doses.

To me, its obviously not something I'd expect a sub to casually engage in and would expect he'd want to have a very intimate connection with a woman first before going there and vice versa. If not, then I'd expect you'd likely feel objectified as something of a "cardboard Domme" who's there to satisfy his kink and not for him to submit to YOUR desires or to have a relationship with because of who you are or your unique personality.

In fact, I suspect that's perhaps at the root of your hesitation with some of what occurred. Certainly if he were to continually ask for things, I can understand that you'd want to deny them of him and that they'd be a turn-off. Further, IMO, one shouldn't say they'd do "anything" for a woman they've just met since everyone presumably has limits of some kind! Perhaps you need to ask him what his are?

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 8:08:55 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		ALL:really good feedback thus far..ty so muchhhhhhhhhhh

GM

(in reply to pixelslave)
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RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 8:55:42 AM   
SaharahEve


Posts: 231
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline
Gypsymambo, not having been there myself, and basing my conclusion on your interpretation of the facts, unfortunately, I didn't see a man with an interest in serving you. Instead, I saw a manipulative, domineering bottom who topped you into topping him. Right from the start, he seems lacking in a basic, intrinsic submissive predisposition: 1. He undermined your preferences for having sex with your slaves by telling you it isn't "dominant"; this is out of place for a man claiming to be submissive. If it's his hard limit, that's fine but my concern is the tone and manner in which he delivered this preference to you. Hopefully he's not using it as an excuse to not have sex with you. Does he truly feel having sex with submissives isn't dominant? 2. His constant references to his past Mistress was rude, and seems like a passive undercurrent of manipulation to guide you into doing all the "wonderful and great things' "she" did to him. 3. He put words you didn't say into your mouth, demonstrating a domineering, manipulative and aggressive ploy to get you to do what he wants. 4. His blatant disregard of your warning that there will be no play, demonstrating domineering, aggressive and inconsiderate behavior. Most people at the start of a relationship put their best foot forward, showing you the most attractive qualities they possess or, in the very least, aspire to possess. Is this what he considers "submissive" qualities? Did he make an effort to show you he's there to serve you? I saw him hoarding all the attention. What attention did he pay to you? Did he even try? It only makes sense a hopeful submissive would use the first meeting to show off his submissive mindset in small ways. Instead, he missed this chance or worse, downright ignored it. First impressions are impacting and afford us a small look into the future - common sense alone indicates this is so. If you consider chivalric and thoughtful behavior to be in the very least an indispensable part of a submissive mindset, then he failed with flying colors, imo. Nothing wrong with bottom play; just be forthright - don't approach a Woman as a submissive when serving is the furthest (or least important) thing from your mind. And don't pretend to be a submissive if you're simply using it as a means to an end to get Her to do what you want and in your way. Again, be upfront - avoid confusion, lost time and heartache.

Yes, you can control a male through punishment and rewards but only if it's for a higher purpose and it's clear he possesses that instinctive submissive drive to begin with. If you're looking to be served by a submissive who gains pleasure in pleasing you, I sense nothing but on-going power struggles with this person.

This is my first impression.

< Message edited by SaharahEve -- 10/19/2009 8:56:06 AM >

_____________________________

Saharah


S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

nanshakh.com



(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
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RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 9:06:52 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SaharahEve


Gypsymambo, not having been there myself, and basing my conclusion on your interpretation of the facts, unfortunately, I didn't see a man with an interest in serving you. Instead, I saw a manipulative, domineering bottom who topped you into topping him. Right from the start, he seems lacking in a basic, intrinsic submissive predisposition: 1. He undermined your preferences for having sex with your slaves by telling you it isn't "dominant"; this is out of place for a man claiming to be submissive. If it's his hard limit, that's fine but my concern is the tone and manner in which he delivered this preference to you. Hopefully he's not using it as an excuse to not have sex with you. Does he truly feel having sex with submissives isn't dominant? 2. His constant references to his past Mistress was rude, and seems like a passive undercurrent of manipulation to guide you into doing all the "wonderful and great things' "she" did to him. 3. He put words you didn't say into your mouth, demonstrating a domineering, manipulative and aggressive ploy to get you to do what he wants. 4. His blatant disregard of your warning that there will be no play, demonstrating domineering, aggressive and inconsiderate behavior. Most people at the start of a relationship put their best foot forward, showing you the most attractive qualities they possess or, in the very least, aspire to possess. Is this what he considers "submissive" qualities? Did he make an effort to show you he's there to serve you? I saw him hoarding all the attention. What attention did he pay to you? Did he even try? It only makes sense a hopeful submissive would use the first meeting to show off his submissive mindset in small ways. Instead, he missed this chance or worse, downright ignored it. First impressions are impacting and afford us a small look into the future - common sense alone indicates this is so. If you consider chivalric and thoughtful behavior to be in the very least an indispensable part of a submissive mindset, then he failed with flying colors, imo. Nothing wrong with bottom play; just be forthright - don't approach a Woman as a submissive when serving is the furthest (or least important) thing from your mind. And don't pretend to be a submissive if you're simply using it as a means to an end to get Her to do what you want and in your way. Again, be upfront - avoid confusion, lost time and heartache.

Yes, you can control a male through punishment and rewards but only if it's for a higher purpose and it's clear he possesses that instinctive submissive drive to begin with. If you're looking to be served by a submissive who gains pleasure in pleasing you, I sense nothing but on-going power struggles with this person.

This is my first impression.


I hate to be a pessimist but I got this impression too. He just seemed pushy and one-track minded. All the kink related stuff either should have been off the table, or not focused on him and his past. The talking about past GF stuff is basic common sense for dating.  The going to kiss your foot thing is like the vanilla equivalent of copping a feel after being told you were NOT that kind of girl.  Talking of what will happen when he serves you in x, y z manner seems  like he's all fired up about finding the perfect barbie doll femdom in his head and you have just earned the role.  Mostly it sounds like he's been looking for a replacement for his former femdom and it's you.  

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SaharahEve)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 10:31:01 AM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		You've just met. Take some time to get to know each other. If it's good now you can make it great if he's willing.

I'm very happy for the two of you :-)

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 10:49:45 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		You said there was not much talk of kink in your total convo, so I am thinking you just pulled these examples out for our input, right?

My gut reaction is that he is looking for a new attachment NOW, RIGHT NOW, and how lovely that you are there to fill it!  Saying things like penetrative sex is not "submissive" worries me, because it indicates a totally different mindset from yours.  People are so fast to attach orientation labels to actions, as if there was some checklist of what is dom and what is sub.  If I want my sub to fuck me, then that is what is happening!  If I want to bring him a sandwich after we play, that is what his happening as well! 

The fetishes... well....  it all depends on how vital they are to him.  Some men (and women) have core activities that they will utterly miss.  If you can't come up with some alternate scheme for getting that need met, there will be problems, right? 

I have started dates with no intention of doing anything play wise and ended up playing---it's just how my mood goes, sometimes.  I have sometimes intended to request some kind of service, and changed my mind, too.  Nothing wrong with that.  What does alert me is the insta-trust.  I am a person who inspires trust~~and I suspect that you are as well.  Still, when a STRANGER offers implicit trust?  I am suspicious right away.  Do they say that kind of thing to anyone at all?  Are they just triggered by some activity?  Or are they just needy/greedy/stupid?

Lots for you to think about,  I know.  My advice is to take a step back and watch how he behaves.  We women can think with the lower head as well as any man!  Take your time, and enjoy yourself!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/19/2009 11:12:58 AM   
Shaykers


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/14/2008
Status: offline 		Before I got too stuck on trying to figure out his motives, personally I'd think about it like this .. maybe new/ish to BDSM would explain some Non-subby behavior, and if there is a feeling of something being wrong or off there probably is... But it is probably more along the lines of someone pretending to not be nervoius, or uncomfortable, versus scammer or shammer. It is unfortunate that so many people are willing to jump up and throw in their 2 cents about situations and motivations, attitudes and behaviors, with a very limited understanding of Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why not. I think the first "rendevous" or " session" whatever you call it, in my experience, is always a little weird, especially when I reflect on it later, I have found myself questioning my own actions, behaviors, responses, and my partners. However, I've found that if I refrain from trying to "See what they are trying to pull" then there is a good chance that everything "normals" out pretty quickly.
Sorry not really the advice you asked for but the best I can offer, I'll summerize for those uninterested in reading...
"Time is Key, Skepticism not for me."
Thank You have a nice day


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 10:48:40 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shaykers
Before I got too stuck on trying to figure out his motives, personally I'd think about it like this .. maybe new/ish to BDSM would explain some Non-subby behavior, and if there is a feeling of something being wrong or off there probably is... But it is probably more along the lines of someone pretending to not be nervoius, or uncomfortable, versus scammer or shammer.


I don't think the OP implied she thought he was a scammer or anything of the sort, only that she wanted input on how to go forward. She also stated that he'd previously served 3 Mistresses. As such, it didn't come across to me that he was new to the lifestyle.

quote:


It is unfortunate that so many people are willing to jump up and throw in their 2 cents about situations and motivations, attitudes and behaviors, with a very limited understanding of Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why not.


People can only provide feeback based on what they're given. It's not a "he said, she said". Overall, what she's received has seemed pretty balanced to me. From the way she stated things in her OP, I think she understands that she allowed things to happen differently than intended and he ran with the opportunity. The gist of things seemed to be how to correct the situation from here as clearly there was otherwise a good rapport and basis for things to proceed between them. Sometimes there are differences in styles that have been expressed by different posters and I wouldn't take them personally. Clearly, the OP already had her own thoughts on how to proceed and wanted input from others before making her decision.

quote:


I think the first "rendevous" or " session" whatever you call it, in my experience, is always a little weird, especially when I reflect on it later, I have found myself questioning my own actions, behaviors, responses, and my partners. However, I've found that if I refrain from trying to "See what they are trying to pull" then there is a good chance that everything "normals" out pretty quickly.
Sorry not really the advice you asked for but the best I can offer, I'll summerize for those uninterested in reading...
"Time is Key, Skepticism not for me."
Thank You have a nice day


I agree. First meets can be very unpredictable. Taking things at face value without assigning motives would be ideal. Unfortunately, not everyone does that. Whether you realize it or not, many women are testing subs at first meets and first impressions are very important. The latter is a fact of life.

It sounds to me as though this particular sub overall made a good first impression but there's more to be discussed before a D/s dynamic can be established that the OP would be happy with. Will her terms be acceptable to the sub? That's yet to be determined. It sounds as though there's some thoughts about what a Domme should and shouldn't be or do that needs to be reconciled between the two of them if things are to proceed.

I wish them both success in doing that!

- pixel


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to Shaykers)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 3:09:28 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

I read this one earlier and wanted to come back later (after some thought  (Yes... I can think).  So... Here goes....

1)  Any man that says that intercourse is nor dominant, hasn't met some of the women I know.  Even when I am not on the bottom, there in no doubt who is running the... the... running the fuck (there, I said the F-bomb).

2)  A Fem-Dom relationship is about the Domme and her wants and needs.  That being said, there is nothing wrong with doing something to 'thrill' your subbie once in a while.  Still, if your kinks aren't complementary with his most of the time...  Move on.

3)  His last domme is his reference point.  If you can't supplant that reference point, move on!

4)  Ah yes...  FOOT WORSHIP!  (do you see how my face lights up?)....  It's intimate.  It's sexy.  It's not, in my opinion, sexual.  As for the moving-on-up...   You should have stopped him and stuck with the stated rules.  You are the Dominatrix,  any ambiguity in the rules must be addressed and his behavior corrected.  As I see it, you gave tacit permission.  Perhaps his enthusiam got the best of both of you.

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger

PS: for GM:   Nice... um... Nice... ah... NICE blue shirt!


_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
Anton Myrer Once an Eagle

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 5:04:49 PM   
SthrnCom4t


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		I think there has been some good advice stated above about going forward. Not having been there, nor being intimately knowledgeable about each of your default perceptions, I tend to view things from an optimistic perception.

Re: Playing when you said you wouldn't - Been there, done that. I like to set an expectation so neither of us feels any pressure. If I change my mind, it's an indication that I'm interested. After all, it's my prerogative to change my mind. After an extended amount of time, you both have more knowledge of the other than you did in the beginning. Perspectives change with increased knowledge/energetic input.

Re: Him kissing your feet - See above. I think a BDSM relationship is formed by the people involved. As a Dominant, sometimes I like to drive, sometimes I like to be chauffeured. I like a proactive submissive and yes, I enjoy being seduced.

Re: His idea that penetrative sex is not submissive. I can understand his *limited* knowledge. I'm sure you can show him ways in which his actions will be choreographed by Your Direction. I mean, after you get done explaining to him that he has to ask permission to *enter*, and can't cum until he also get's explicit permission, he'll begin to understand. All it takes is a few times of denying him or making him beg for either, and the thinking changes.

Re: Talking about is previous relationship - Of course, that's his point of reference. Of the advice given above, I'm not as much in favor of 'telling him' how you are unique, that he'll stop talking about his ex, that this is a new and different relationship, etc..........I favor leading by example and *showing him*. He may have *some* experience, but he feels to me like a teenager - that he knows enough to think he knows a lot. Smile and steer him in a different direction in a calm and confident manner. If he's smart, he'll figure it out. If he's not, well than, you re-evaluate if he's really a keeper.

Re: Mis-match of fetishes - I think this will play out over time. I've had requests and it's not my thing either. However, there have been other activities that weren't My thing, but after I got involved with someone and I saw how I could use it to control and effect them, I expanded My horizons. Each dynamic is unique and part of what we get out of an activity is the reaction/result from the other person. With one person I LOVED CBT - BECAUSE of HIS Reaction! Yes, his idea might not be yours, but that's ok. Dominants have limits too. Leave the door open and see what might happen down the road. Your horizons might get expanded in your evolution of a close, loving D/s relationship.

Re: Him saying he felt safe and would do anything for you. You found a big trigger of his...you go girl! I don't know about anyone else, but I've been in situations where everything just felt right, and in that moment in time, I indeed felt completely open and accessible to my partner. If you just sat down for dinner having never met in person, and he stated this out of the blue, I'd be concerned. The fact that you'd be interacting for a good long while, and you moved into a Dominant physical position, generating such a response, I'd say is a good sign of his potential. Only further exploration will determine if was a one-time thing, if he's really responsive to you in particular, or he's just easy. Don't let it worry you too much right now. Some people have boundary (not knowing how to set) issues, so just be watchful and learn about him.

Now I'll go back and read others' thoughts. Keep us posted!


_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 5:16:53 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO

THis weekend I met with a potential..sub/slave..WE instantly clicked in many ways...most importantly MINDS..

We stayed up close to 30 hours..talking...laughing and in bliss...( no play or much talk of kink for that matter)

In speaking with him and our various discourses it bcame appraent to me there are several things I want to proceed with CAREFULLY and with much thought in order to OWN this man as my own.

He is willing...eager..has thought this all well..has served 3..is stable...knowing..
understands my STYLE somewhat...

I was about to give a 1 or 2 sentence response here...very long post (yours)....but having read it in entirety, I see you're overwhelmingly sincere.

Here's a subs response:

I am asking for INPUT HERE ON THE FOLLOWING:
I KNOW WHAT I may be DOING ABOUT IT but want to know what you would do..or feedback/thoughts from you.
I also realize the info is sparse and you do not know US...


1) after much talking he said to me.."Intercourse is of no matter to me"
well it is to me...lots..!!  (Could be a normal guys response to a woman's {our perception} feelings....he could have been trying to "sell"...or....he could be impotent and trying to give you a heads up).
I explained this and he said he felt it was not DOMINANT.  (That you shouldn't want to fuck him?  If so....let's slap this fucker around a smidge).
After I explained I will OWN this (his dick?) ,and this and do as I please with it
HE CLEARLY "GOT IT"
I have always had my needs met and can always round up a bull but it is my desire that we have physical contact with him also.
HOW can I reinforce it is NOT sub to want your sub to be used to *f* you (uh oh....she said the "F" word!!!!!) or make love.
I can make him .....but  want the THOUGHT process there of WHY
to reinforce submission to it and of him.

2)he says things like..."When you first..........................to me" (does he often say "................." to you?) or "when you.............me" (there he goes again!!!!! ".........") about things I have not said I do...
and he has been a toilet and this is his BLISS.and not exactly my thrill of a lifetime.( with her it was).

You have 3 choices:  Do what she did (as to this issue), don't do what she did....or...3.....retrain.  My recommendation is....do what she did (as to this)...clearly this is an important issue to him.

Is it an anathema to you?  If so...don't do it.  Be aware....men are kinky little fuckers...and at 93 years old....if being pee'd on is our kink....it ain't going away any time soon....it'll just get smellier).

I'm constantly amazed a how such a small thing as being pee'd on (or peeing on someone) can become such a knot.

(It's just fucking not....we all have to pee...he likes pee on him).

At some point....you have to pee.

Pee.

Could THIS be topping from the bottom? (Yepper) or simply the only reference he has that pleased "her".If it is something he NEEDS...
would denial of it serve more purpose than doing it?  No.  It would likely damage things between he and you.
Would NOT having these "referenced fetishes/scenerios" occur initially as we progress be a good way to see if he is really there to learn WHAT I WANT?


3)constant referral to last DOMME...I have said.."
."This is a refernce for now but soon I will ask you to say nothing more of your time with her"  Excellent.....this is a bullshit issue.  He needs to let go.  Period.  You haven't established control.  Do so.
.I wish to be HERE in the present and telling what I WANT.
How can I disipline/design training to ensure it is ME
he thinks about about?** By being you.  (I know what I do ;NLP..scent..tasks..daily communiations..words.. etc..
but what do you do???..when there is intial distance?..(be patient) we are 4 hours apart and may only have weekends to start.

4)although I had said no*sexual* physical contact I lay beside him at one point and he began to spontaniously kiss my feet and kneel which felt good and then moved on up.  He's pushing.....you need to lay down the law...currently, he controls the agenda....you've indicated as such above.
I had not given permission and feel now MAYBE I should have corrected right then (Yepper)
althougth at the time I wanted him there( bwtween mylegs) where he will belong..and to take that feeling with him back home.
He then said.."Can I lay on the floor?"and wanted me to stand on him
I allowed him to lay down at my feet and I quietly rested my feet there.
He clearly wanted trampling which did not occur.
I felt there may be a"Power" going on so I told him to lay on is stomach on the bed..and I pinned him down and made sure he knew who was boss.
or so I thought..
while I never intended any BDSM actions to occur other than talking..presenceor checking of compatibility...
I ended up with the pinnend down- overpowering scenerio.
I felt I had to make a quick decision.
He melted to me and kept saying he felt safe..and would do anything for me.
 
I wanted to see what liberties he would "try" or if
he was a submissive as he said...then in my tiredness I  MAY have set a foundation of him "taking:"..or setting the scene....or did I?  Yepper
BY taking control and pinning him..using my words..explaining how it would be..making him repeat.. etc I did control yes..
but yet I was..PULLED into it.
What do you think?WHO was in control there?

He was.

Without debate.
 
I am thrilled at the possibilties for I have met a highly intelligent man..
I am open to constructive criticism.feedback and support.

(You just got it).
 
GM



< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 10/21/2009 5:30:02 PM >

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 7:02:55 PM   
IBused


Posts: 93
Joined: 10/4/2009
Status: offline 		shrugs..find a sub that is more into fucking...geez, wuz that so hard to figure out?

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 9:10:31 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		The picture I got after reading your comments was one of a sub who already has his ideas and plans in his head, based on past relationships and fantasies, and he's trying to make you fit into his idea of a Domme. The biggest issue I had was when you said he was saying, "When you do _____ to me", and making reference to activities in which you have no strong interest. That spells trouble to me. It's definitely a situation that needs to be dealt with early on.

You already seem to have a plan and ideas to deal with him, but I feel it really shouldn't be THAT much "work" to have a boy be totally yours in body and mind and serve you in your way.

I wish you all the best!

LadyJulieAnn

(in reply to IBused)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/21/2009 11:27:02 PM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		ALL:

All these responses have helped very much..in talking to "him" this week..
 
I have clearly established my dominance..verbally etc over this week and look forward to the weekend..when we will see each other again.

I made massive effort( over the phone) to correct..modify,clarify,establish protocol and HOW IT WILL BE..and he is responding well...and doing all I have asked..and LISTENING...
Normally I would wait unitl he was with me..but I felt I needed to ESTABLISH this NOW and right now

IN this short time  it is becoming clear..there is great potential here!
Many questions and issues have been cleared...and the support I received here has really helped..
and we have not even got to the kink or "running the fuck" yet..


GM


< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 10/21/2009 11:31:32 PM >

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/22/2009 12:03:18 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm glad the responses have helped.  Mine probably wouldn't fit every situation, but if everything worked for everyone, there would be no reason to ask, would there?  Sometimes what works varies from one s-type to another, so there's no perfect answer.

If I can help in any way, please feel free to message Me.  I've dealt with the LD dynamic with clip successfully for a bit now and may have some suggestions for you, if you'd like.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: FEEDBACK FOR GOING FORWARD - 10/22/2009 10:04:36 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		thankx LP  you have mail...

GM

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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