RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 6:45:10 AM

Grlathrt

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/24/2009
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Kinda sorta along the same lines as this, but I found out something very interesting that makes me think that the sub in the relationship isnt being totally honest with the Dominant in the relationship. Now my question is, do I keep this tidbit of information to myself, do I talk to the Dom, or do I talk to the sub in the relationship???

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 8:21:09 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlathrt

Kinda sorta along the same lines as this, but I found out something very interesting that makes me think that the sub in the relationship isnt being totally honest with the Dominant in the relationship. Now my question is, do I keep this tidbit of information to myself, do I talk to the Dom, or do I talk to the sub in the relationship???

are you somehow involved in the relationship with them or are you an observer from the outside of their relationship, like a friend or something?

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 8:34:10 AM

Grlathrt

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/24/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlathrt

Kinda sorta along the same lines as this, but I found out something very interesting that makes me think that the sub in the relationship isnt being totally honest with the Dominant in the relationship. Now my question is, do I keep this tidbit of information to myself, do I talk to the Dom, or do I talk to the sub in the relationship???

are you somehow involved in the relationship with them or are you an observer from the outside of their relationship, like a friend or something?

To be honest, I was supposed to be more than a friend. I was supposed to be a secondary.

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 8:55:51 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlathrt
To be honest, I was supposed to be more than a friend. I was supposed to be a secondary.

this slave has no experience with being a secondary, sorry. perhaps asking over in the poly forum might be helpful in sorting this out.

best wishes to you!

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 5:27:57 PM

TimrehIX

Posts: 75
Joined: 6/29/2009
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I have the same (or similar) issue. For me I sometimes have to step outside myself and ask, am I doing this because I want to or because I am being passive aggressive? Usually, when I ask myself that problem I am about to do something that is sure to cause me trouble later on. Then I take pains to do whatever it is the right way, not the way I feel like doing it.

You could look at what puts you in a passive aggressive mood. Is it being forced to follow poorly explained rules/orders? Or is it when you feel humiliated or stupid? For me although I am in to humiliation I cannot stand being made to feel stupid. So most of my passive aggressive acting out is done to prove (in my own twisted way) that someone else is an idiot not me.

Also you could look at why you are being passive aggressive instead of directly confrontational. Are you afraid of losing something in the confrontation?

This is the kind of thing people pay hundreds of dollars an hour trying to figure out and deal with. I think the cheap way to deal with it is, realize you are this way, and do your best not to be.

< Message edited by TimrehIX -- 10/21/2009 5:30:50 PM >

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/21/2009 5:43:35 PM

yummee

Posts: 111
Joined: 5/31/2009
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I don't know about passive agressive behavior, but sometimes I get in this kind of martry complex (look how much I do for you and you are just so selfish, woah is me!). I recognize that the martyr is in me, and has been long before I met B. I disclosed to B all of my problems that I recognized (I am sure there are some I'm not aware of that he is), including my tendency to become a martyr when I am feeling stresses or overworked. I also laid at his feet an emotional issue I have as a result of having multiple sociopaths in my immediate family. For instance, going to bed angry or hurt causes inner walls to shoot up, and I have never found a way to prevent it from happening, or to remove those walls when the issue is resolved. In the middle of a tiff, I am compelled to interrupt and ask, "But we're OK aren't we?" I know exactly where this comes from, and I know B is nothing like my father; however, I have been unable to stop the knee-jerk reaction of instantly shielding myself behind this stone fortress. I see that it is difficult for him, in his anger or frustration, to stop and say, "Yes, we will be fine." or even "I'm pissed as hell but I still love you." He doesn't have to do that. No one before him has ever done that for me, despite having the same information up front the way B has.

Perhaps if you are just open and up-front with him, tell him you have passive agressive tendencies that he may want to be on the lookout for, and then just be yourself, warts and all. It has been my experience that working together on those issues takes a huge burden off, rather than handling it all on your own.

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/25/2009 4:29:59 PM

VeeTee

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Joined: 7/25/2009
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ncbabe, your words express some of my own thoughts on the OP's query. For me, i find i've been describing it more as ambivalence as i get closer to the line...i want to but what will it mean? Really mean? i obviously worry about it a bit too much however, on the other hand, if i can't feel like i trust a Dom 100% i will never be fully comfortable. So i get close, seem to be on my way but then throw up some more roadblocks. Is that passive-aggressive? game playing? I don't think so...i'm completely honest with the other person about my mix of feelings. That's just what i come with. And when i'm in, i'm in - so i want to be very sure before i do cross over that line. I feel that is only fair for both of us. As you stated, maybe it is all about finding the right Dom...if i feel this much ambivalence about being with a particular Dom, that is probably something i need (or the OP needs) to pay attention to. Thanks.

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