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Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:00:55 PM

WDMsub

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline

What are some of the warning signs that someone may not be a good Dom or sub for you and/or that they are a wannabe?

Since I am sub, these examples focus on Doms, but definitely no one known to this site. Plus, these reflect what I am looking for and may not apply to everyone.

1. If they want to borrow money from you
2. If they don't have enough money for gas to get home
3. If his ideas or descriptions focus only on his wants or needs
4. If he 'doesn't throw the ball back" in conversations. IE You ask/type a question such as, "What do you like", he answers, but doesn't ask you the same question.
5. If they show up 18 hours late, haven't called and seem to think their behavior is okay.
6. If they don't respond to email within 72 hours of reading it-although other contact such as IMing, phone conversations, in-person meetings may negate it.
7. If he waits until you are aroused beyond belief to tell you he is impotent (although I learned from that experience to ask in advance).
8. If he wants you to dress sexy for your first meeting and he shows up in jeans with holes and a stained t-shirt
9. In his profile, he blatantly lied about anything important to you
10. He will not meet you unless you guarantee a sex act-whether you like him or not, plan to pursue a relationship or not (I told the one that wanted this, if I was the type of sub to do that with him, then he should realize I would do it with ANYONE who asked).

Wannabes
1. Limited info on profiles
2. Also focused on their pleasure only-found many have marathon blow-job fantasies
3. Laundry list of chores expected, behaviors

Post #: 1

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:12:32 PM

MarinaBlack

Posts: 121
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

As a Domme, I would say that sub/slave profiles indicating very little information because the delusional creature in question used the blanket "I will do ANYTHING for you, blah, blah, blah".
That is a big RED FLAG.

Also, people who will suddenly reveal to you after several communications that:
a) they are married and
b) they keep their profiles a secret from their partner and
c) expect you to be ok with this.

If these people are lying to their life-partners, what will they lie about to you?

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 2

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:12:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The same warning signs of vanilla people- if they act yucky for you, just say no thanks and move on. Remember what might seem icky to you might be someone's dream dom or sub.

Red Flags

Red Yellow and Green Flags

Signs of an "unsafe" sub or dom

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 3

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:18:29 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WDMsub

Wannabes
3. Laundry list of chores expected, behaviors

This is the only one I'd question as being indicative of a wannabe.. Were I seriously looking and didn't have a Home Page for House Iron Bear, I'd probably list the basic duties to be carried out by all live-in 24/7 slaves both male and female

To save any one asking, I haven't written up the list for the Home Page which is still under construction. But I'll give you one hint.. Coffee on demand 24/7 (There y'all thought I was going to say head jobs didn't you? Ehh c'om be honest yoiu thought it at least ....... (Humungous Grizzly grin)..

Jai na ven sev a lae an sho'vo a porta.

(May your day bring happiness and joy to you and yours)

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 4

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:20:36 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WDMsub

What are some of the warning signs that someone may not be a good Dom or sub for you and/or that they are a wannabe?

Since I am sub, these examples focus on Doms, but definitely no one known to this site. Plus, these reflect what I am looking for and may not apply to everyone.

1. If they want to borrow money from you
2. If they don't have enough money for gas to get home
3. If his ideas or descriptions focus only on his wants or needs
4. If he 'doesn't throw the ball back" in conversations. IE You ask/type a question such as, "What do you like", he answers, but doesn't ask you the same question.
5. If they show up 18 hours late, haven't called and seem to think their behavior is okay.
6. If they don't respond to email within 72 hours of reading it-although other contact such as IMing, phone conversations, in-person meetings may negate it.
7. If he waits until you are aroused beyond belief to tell you he is impotent (although I learned from that experience to ask in advance).
8. If he wants you to dress sexy for your first meeting and he shows up in jeans with holes and a stained t-shirt
9. In his profile, he blatantly lied about anything important to you
10. He will not meet you unless you guarantee a sex act-whether you like him or not, plan to pursue a relationship or not (I told the one that wanted this, if I was the type of sub to do that with him, then he should realize I would do it with ANYONE who asked).

Wannabes
1. Limited info on profiles
2. Also focused on their pleasure only-found many have marathon blow-job fantasies
3. Laundry list of chores expected, behaviors

Is this the whole of it.. or different things for different ones?

I cn totaly understand red flag as people talk about on here. But the one thing tht gets to me.... does one red flag... warrent no more discussion at all? Does 2 or 3 warrent it?

As in other threads, people have been talking about certain words being tosed about so easily... abuse... neglect... etc...etc.... so lets say.. TO ME AND ME ONLY... red flags are bring tossed out to easily.

Man comes to visit me... takes me out... and in a pinch needs $5 for gas to get home on... shit.. give it to him.. if it means either another meet... or take it.. leave.. go away.. never come back!

That's only a small example.... people want to be safe.. secure.. i understand this.. but more and more.. I see blindness coming in at the same time.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:26:34 PM

WDMsub

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline

Maybe I shouldn't put the laundry list under a wannabe category, but more of a warning sign.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:35:26 PM

Oberonrex

Posts: 164
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: WDMsub

Wannabes
3. Laundry list of chores expected, behaviors

This is the only one I'd question as being indicative of a wannabe.. Were I seriously looking and didn't have a Home Page for House Iron Bear, I'd probably list the basic duties to be carried out by all live-in 24/7 slaves both male and female

To save any one asking, I haven't written up the list for the Home Page which is still under construction. But I'll give you one hint.. Coffee on demand 24/7 (There y'all thought I was going to say head jobs didn't you? Ehh c'om be honest yoiu thought it at least ....... (Humungous Grizzly grin)..

LOL! I agree with you on this one, though the list I have is somewhat generic. For me, I like seeing a list of expectations as I can read them and get a much better feel for things. It is not the list that is a red flag, it is what is on it... I like your addition, and think I will put coffee/beverage service 24/7 right up there at the very top of mine, along with helping me unlock my joints as needed...

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 7

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:38:41 PM

HoosierScorpio

Posts: 164
Status: offline

I do not think wanting a sub or slave to dress sexy for you for they are there for your pleasure or to serve. I think what you expect out of a sub or slave that you are seeking should not be an indicator of being a player or wannabee for they expect them to act a certain way. Doing chores is part of their duties and letting you know this is not an indicator either. Every one is looking for something that is what they want from the sub or slave they are seeking. Doing chores could be part of the training and to know what he wants from you as his sub or slave. This could be a way to test you’re eagerness to serve him as his sub or slave. I would use these as indicator seeking money from you, want sex or play the first time you meet. Also they want to isolate you from the outside world and will not attend munches for they run the risk of being find out. The community is a small one and word gets around about the players or wannabe faster than the plague.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:50:20 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

Is this the whole of it.. or different things for different ones?

I cn totaly understand red flag as people talk about on here. But the one thing tht gets to me.... does one red flag... warrent no more discussion at all? Does 2 or 3 warrent it?

As in other threads, people have been talking about certain words being tosed about so easily... abuse... neglect... etc...etc.... so lets say.. TO ME AND ME ONLY... red flags are bring tossed out to easily.

Man comes to visit me... takes me out... and in a pinch needs $5 for gas to get home on... shit.. give it to him.. if it means either another meet... or take it.. leave.. go away.. never come back!

That's only a small example.... people want to be safe.. secure.. i understand this.. but more and more.. I see blindness coming in at the same time.

ANY red flag, any behavior or action or "accident" that just doesn't sit well with you needs some attending to. Even if it's just to keep your guard up before making any commitments. Watch and see what happens. Time to keep your eyes open.

Sure, shit does happen....you thought you had money left for gas, but you forgot you bought lottery tickets. If it happens once, no big deal, but if it happens again and again, and/or the dollar amount starts increasing, and then suddenly he's hoping you'll pay for all the dinners, and he's full of hard-luck stories and excuses, then it's worth re-evaluating where you really want this relationship to go. I look for patterns in behavior....and sometimes it's just a plain old uneasy feeling in your stomach that we tend to ignore. I'm not saying end the relationship immediately, I'm just saying, don't dive into a commitment when things just don't seem "right". If you think it's not right, it probably isn't.

I agree with what you said about 'blindness'. When ALL of your friends are expressing doubt about a person's character, it pays to at least take a small step back, put on your reality glasses and see if maybe their views are substantiated. It's too easy to overlook negative qualities in people because we want a relationship so badly. I'm guilty of it myself. When I look back at some bad to disastrous relationships I've had, I realize that warning signs or "red flags" were there all along, but I made excuses for them or ignored them.

I'm not directing my "you"'s directly at you, truesub, justs expressing my views and experience in general terms!

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 9

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:50:59 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Warning signs for me would be: (these are just my personal ones)

1. Secretive about their home life.
2. Only allowed to call them on a cell or at work
3. Non ability or willingness to communicate in a regular everyday fashion, i.e. Always full on in role, which I would find extremely suspect considering you are supposed to be getting to know this person.
4. No expression of interest and involvement in productive activities outside of D/s.
5. No exhibition of knowledge of self. (biggie for me)
6. Unwillingness to talk about their past, or yours.
7. Talking negatively about previous partners.
8. History of many relationships and none long term.
9. No goals or dreams for the future.
10. Lack of previous D/s bdsm experience and lack of ability to prove what they are saying of past experience is true.
11. Inability to demonstrate they have a track record of making the most out of everything life has offered them.
12. Obvious disgruntlement with life.

Well...there are a probably another zillion I could add.. lol

< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/6/2006 1:54:42 PM >

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 10

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 1:56:29 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

10. Lack of previous D/s bdsm experience.

Just a thought....everyone has to start somewhere. (that doesn't mean you have to decide to be their teacher).

Just because someone is inexperienced in the lifestyle it doesn't mean they are a wannabe. You can ask them if they've investigated their interests - read about the lifestyle, attended munches, have some sort of experimentation or involvement, etc. At least you may be able to get an idea for how serious they are about the lifestyle.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 11

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:01:06 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I can appreciate what you are saying Katy, its just my personal preference not to go into a relationship with a Dom who has no experience. I dominate easily in particular situations and an inexperienced Dom would provoke that in me...which i would absolutely hate. Also I like to play hard and I wouldnt feel comfortable with someone with little or no experience. So n that light, non-experience would be a warning sign for me not to enter.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:15:59 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HoosierScorpio
I do not think wanting a sub or slave to dress sexy for you for they are there for your pleasure or to serve.

Whilst I agree with you on that, the OP's point had two parts to it

quote:

8. If he wants you to dress sexy for your first meeting and he shows up in jeans with holes and a stained t-shirt

Whilst I expect a girl I am meeting to have made at least some effort to make a good first impression, I certainly wouldn't turn up in jeans and a t-shirt either. It is her first impression of the Dom too. Yes it maybe superficial but it is also indicative of wether BOTH sides are making an effort to make things work.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to HoosierScorpio)

Post #: 13

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:23:26 PM

WDMsub

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline

I am new to the site, and want to be careful I don't single anyone out in my responses.

Not having enough money for gas to get home? Many gas stations have ATMs and most accept credit/debit/bank cards.

As far as dressing sexy for the first date...I should have included more info...my own personal thing is: the first time I meet a guy is going to be in broad daylight, probably in Perkins/Denny's/Starbucks. I think it is uncalled for to expect me to be in sexy clothes that are more appropriate for a night time or bar meeting. While it does show a willingness for the sub to try to please, what does it tell the sub when the future Dom shows up in his grungy clothes?

Oh...and this is tongue-in-cheek, but winter in Iowa...it is pretty damn cold to be out in a short skirt!

< Message edited by WDMsub -- 3/6/2006 2:27:51 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 14

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:24:23 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

ANY red flag, any behavior or action or "accident" that just doesn't sit well with you needs some attending to. Even if it's just to keep your guard up before making any commitments. Watch and see what happens. Time to keep your eyes open.

Sure, shit does happen....you thought you had money left for gas, but you forgot you bought lottery tickets. If it happens once, no big deal, but if it happens again and again, and/or the dollar amount starts increasing, and then suddenly he's hoping you'll pay for all the dinners, and he's full of hard-luck stories and excuses, then it's worth re-evaluating where you really want this relationship to go. I look for patterns in behavior....and sometimes it's just a plain old uneasy feeling in your stomach that we tend to ignore. I'm not saying end the relationship immediately, I'm just saying, don't dive into a commitment when things just don't seem "right". If you think it's not right, it probably isn't.

I agree with what you said about 'blindness'. When ALL of your friends are expressing doubt about a person's character, it pays to at least take a small step back, put on your reality glasses and see if maybe their views are substantiated. It's too easy to overlook negative qualities in people because we want a relationship so badly. I'm guilty of it myself. When I look back at some bad to disastrous relationships I've had, I realize that warning signs or "red flags" were there all along, but I made excuses for them or ignored them.

I'm not directing my "you"'s directly at you, truesub, justs expressing my views and experience in general terms!

Didn't take it as such... and I see your point..LOL..

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 15

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:24:52 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

it is pretty damn cold to be out in a short skirt!

Stop it! He may ask you not to wear hosiery. Then you will be in a world of hurt!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:28:48 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WDMsub

I am new to the site, and want to be careful I don't single anyone out in my responses.

Not having enough money for gas to get home? Many gas stations have ATMs and most except credit/debit/bank cards.

I'm so glad everyone thinks everyone lives in a plastic world.

I've got good credit... because I DO NOT OWN plastic... so yeah.. I can see one not having enough cash on hand for gas when the evening went further and better than planned.

Now if we're talking from another state... I can see where this is going. But for one that lives across town.. hell if the date was good.. and another in the makings.. i'll fork up a few bucks.. if date went badly... i would shell up a few bucks to get rid of the asshole... lol

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 17

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:29:38 PM

WDMsub

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline

Oh yeah, that will really help keep the cold away! :)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 18

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 2:56:31 PM

Edidid

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline

I am sure some people tire of seeing threads like this, but as someone who has previously only met partners in real life initially (and using an online service for the first time) the online specific guidlines are very useful.

Since reading this thread and a few links contained in it I have already moved some contacts to the "be wary" section.

~thanks

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 19

RE: Warning signs - 3/6/2006 3:14:43 PM

MarinaBlack

Posts: 121
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Other warning signs FOR ME as a Domme are "69" in the handle or the writer or a handle that is a command like "DominateMeNow" (if that is actually someone's handle this is purely coincidental) or some such thing.

I don't even reply to "subs" with "69" in their handles.

(in reply to WDMsub)

Post #: 20

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