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Dummies book for new sub - 10/23/2009 10:39:07 PM

jojo66

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Joined: 10/22/2009
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Totally new to this, is the info anywhere on red flags to watch out for, and other info, or just tell me a story of what has happend to you and what you learned from it. Thank you

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/23/2009 10:44:43 PM

sh4dowdrifter

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Always try to have a safe call available when going to meet someone new, even if it isn't a kink person. Have it setup where you will either call them at a certain time, or they call you, and a codeword that you can say should you be in trouble. I know this may seem silly, but to me it is very important in regards to safety.

- sh4dow

(in reply to jojo66)

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/23/2009 10:55:31 PM

HisBestGirl

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Trust your gut instinct. If all he gives you is his cell number and doesn't take you to his house, you can't contact him at certain hours, doesn't introduce you to anyone in his life; he's probably married or in a relationship with someone.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/23/2009 11:55:47 PM

SilentSpark

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here's a book list:

"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", so far the best introduction book I've read for newbies. It covers the basics and is fun to read. Perfect for people who's new to the lifestyle.

Here's the amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256367113&sr=8-1

"The New Bottoming Book", A very good book for subs. You can also read the "topping book" too, it's good to know both sides of the story.

amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256367223&sr=1-2

From there you can find your own reading~~~Amazon does a pretty good job linking similar books. Hope this help.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/23/2009 11:59:26 PM

LadyPact

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The best book list on this entire site is found here http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1726118&key=book%2Clist .

I would suggest the non fiction, rather than the erotica.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 12:11:27 AM

porcelaine

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i felt come hither by gloria brame was a nice read for those new to this.

come hither

eta: before you run out and spend a lot of money. check your local library. many have quite a few bdsm titles in stock.

porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 10/24/2009 12:12:20 AM >

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 1:49:41 AM

GreedyTop

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dunno about books.. but the best advice I've ever gotten or passed along is TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! If your gut says "BAD".. trust it.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 5:03:11 AM

DarkSteven

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If you can connect with your local community, do so. You'll hear who is trustworthy and who isn't.

Red flags:

Ordering you to drop to your knees, etc. online.
Getting to the good stuff before getting to know you as a person.
Being afraid to meet you at a D/s community event like a munch.
Pushing you to do stuff right away.
Telling you that you're not a real sub or a good sub when you refuse.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 8:40:58 AM

Missokyst

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If you wouldn't put up with it in a nilla life why would you in a bdsm one?

Strip away the titles and what you find are humans with flaws

Take responsibility for your part in choices and decisions

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 8:41:43 AM

mnottertail

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you coulda said, strip away the titties, you know

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 8:47:32 AM

VampiresLair

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Be an adult and dont let your sensabilities fall away at the excitement of meeting someone.

Do not depend on a safe call necessarily, they arent completely foolproof and chances are if someone is going to do something dangerous with you, they arent going to stick around where you told your buddies youd be meeting, nor are they going to give you a chance to call and update that info.

Meet in public, no ifs and or buts.

If someone is overly limiting with the information they are willing to give, there is usually a good reason why.

Make sure the conversaiton does not revolve completely around sex and the lifestyle. Find out about the person as a person, or it is likely to get really boring really quickly.

If they are not willing to meet in public, vanilla or lifestyle, then that a huge flag. It either menas they have someting unsavory planned, or they are afraid to be seen with someone becasue they are trying to hide. Either way, a situation to be avoided.

DV

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 8:47:56 AM

bluefireeyez

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If the Dom is interested in you, he will find a way for the two of you to meet within an acceptable time frame. If he lives far away, it make take more time. But, if it is anything less than a 4 hour drive (where you can meet in the middle) and it goes on for month and months, chances are that's a red flag. Also, don't go to him all of the time...the best relationships i have had is where both parties travel back and forth.

Safety is key. Also, respecting what you want in the beginning. If i say "i don't want to have sex on O/our first meeting" and they push it...i know they don't respect me.

Master drove 3 hours to see me when he flew home to visit family in De. He knew i preferred not to have sex the first time W/we met and didn't even bring it up. W/we hung out for the afternoon and then he spent the night at a friend's house. This is certainly may not be the case in all relationshps, but i feel like this is the best one i've ever been in.

Have fun on your journey! It certainly is an interesting one.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 8:55:06 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jojo66
Totally new to this, is the info anywhere on red flags to watch out for, and other info, or just tell me a story of what has happend to you and what you learned from it. Thank you

Here's my big safety tip. Being submissive does not equal being stupid. Everything you ever learned along the road of life still applies. There are no magical exceptions because "this is D/s". If it looks stupid and/or feels wrong, it almost certainly is.

As a corollary:
Being submissive is not being foolish, weak, or a doormat. Obeying an asshat though, IS.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jojo66)

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 9:18:47 AM

AnimusRex

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

If you wouldn't put up with it in a nilla life why would you in a bdsm one?

Strip away the titles and what you find are humans with flaws

Take responsibility for your part in choices and decisions

Here here- very good advice. The worst abuses happen because people get fooled into thinking that shitty behavior is somehow more acceptable when draped in kinky language.

(in reply to Missokyst)

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 11:05:31 AM

Missokyst

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No way.. I like my titties, if they were stripped away what would I grab on when I orgasm?

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

you coulda said, strip away the titties, you know

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 10/24/2009 11:07:02 AM >

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 12:27:38 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sh4dowdrifter

Always try to have a safe call available when going to meet someone new, even if it isn't a kink person. Have it setup where you will either call them at a certain time, or they call you, and a codeword that you can say should you be in trouble. I know this may seem silly, but to me it is very important in regards to safety.

- sh4dow

While good advice, I want to toss out that having a safecall/safeword/codeword/etc does not stop a lunatic from killing you. It just alerts the police faster to help find your body. So, even with safecalls make sure you feel comfortable and make sure you are meeting somewhere you feel safe and where you can leave under your own power and you aren't relying on others. Safecalls and the like are another tool and they are useful when applied correctly but they are not a magic wand.

I would really echo the idea of connecting to your local community, just remember that it will be like every group of people. Just cause you like flowers doesn't mean you will like everyone else who enjoys gardening!

Do some reading, some chatting with people and really try to take in as much information as possible and figure out what you are comfortable with. Best of luck!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 12:50:03 PM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jojo66

Totally new to this, is the info anywhere on red flags to watch out for, and other info, or just tell me a story of what has happend to you and what you learned from it. Thank you

Yes PLEASE PLEASE remember its a relationship like any other really..... You are not everyones s type..... and you are not "his" s type untill YOU agree to be... Do not fall for someone trying to get you to "submit" before you even meet....or on the 1st or even 2nd date. Thats immature crap. You WILL kiss alot of frogs before you find a prince....and you certainly don't have to kneel to ALL the frogs along the way!

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 1:50:51 PM

maat

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Read upp on things. Online, in books, where ever you can find good information. Figur out what YOU whant out of this lifestyle. DO have limits, limits and bounderies is not a bad word, specialy not in the begining. Take the time to learn your own needs.

Oh, Dominants are not mind readers so pleas do not expect them to read your mind if you play with them. "you shuld have known not to do xx" isent the best way to get to know someone. Be honest and up front with things. the more input and feedback you give the better they will be able to work with you.

Take your time and be carefull. I know when i finaly was ready to get ofline and get real about bdsm i was to impatient and i jumpt at the first Dom who wuld meet me, i was a lucky bastard realy. Just think safty first, safty when meeting someone, safty when it comes to play and safty when it comes to sex.

And get conected, find people you trust to talk to about this. online or ofline. You can learn alot from just talking to people.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 3:01:54 PM

chiaThePet

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When your Dominant plays that little, "Got Your Nose" game.

Don't look down.

nhia* (the met)

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You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Dummies book for new sub - 10/24/2009 5:12:49 PM

lizi

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My current Dom has never punished me and I haven't done anything yet deserving of punishment with him. I try very hard to make him happy, just thinking he wouldn't like something is reason enough for me not to do it. A former Dom ductaped my wrists together and whipped me across my bare ass with his belt for swearing at him and being critical of something he said.

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