D/s in a vanilla setting

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bluefireeyez -> D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 7:49:45 AM)
my friends and i decided to go out to the bar to have a little fun. Mind you this bar is known as the "slut" bar, i live in a college town and it seems like that is where they all end up. i have been going there for 3 years and have never seen anything like i had seen last night. They have at least 15 screens, some big and some small. As i was waiting for my friends to come back after getting a drink, they caught my eye. There were dancers in shadow, dancing completely off to the music. i know it was prerecorded, but it bothers me. Anyway, the next thing i know there are paddles, leashes, whips, and other D/s paraphenalia. The screen changed from dancers to people getting paddled, whipped, and even being led around on a leash. Now, i have a deep appreciation for all of those things. At home. i was surprised at what was up and asked a friend who also works at the bar about it. Knowing one of the owners, i was shocked that it would be playing. Of course the guy bouncers didn't mine because they thought it was funny. my friends also made jokes about it, and i laughed. The truth is, i was actually really put off by it. i felt that not only were they making light of it, but there was also a line crossed. Of course there will be some people who enjoy such things, but there are also the "innocent" who don't appreciate it. i have read about more overt displays of kink, such as the doctor in the one thread. While this was not "in your face" so to speak, it was exposing kink to people who needn't see it. What do you think about the more subtle but obvious displays in public?

agirl -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 8:34:03 AM)
Bdsm stuff is all over the place. It's not exactly a shocking experience to catch sight of erotic stuff in a slut bar , surely, however fetishy? Bdsm SM and fetish stuff is pretty middle of the road. There's nothing wrong with kink....I'm pretty sure that most adults can cope with the kind of mild SM fetish stuff that gets shown in public bars, on TV and in magazines. agirl

AnimusRex -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 8:46:19 AM)
There is a bar here in Hollywood I went to a couple times that caters to the Goth crowd; they play live music and dance downstairs, and upstairs is a smaller room with a St. Andrews Cross and some benches; younger kinky people hang out and do some light (non-naked) spanking and flogging. In addition, BDSM-oriented fetish club wear, and burlesque/ stripper shows are extremely trendy for the club-going fashionistas in quite a few of the Hollywood clubs. Heck, the mall store Hot Topic makes a fortune selling vaguely kinky collars and corsets to teen age kids looking for something to shock their parents. But most of it is promoted by, and consumed by, vanilla people who see it as an exotic treat, something wild they can tell their friends about the next day. My first reaction of course, is to scorn it as mere dilletantes playing with something others take seriously. However, I have to bite my tongue and remind myself that nobody died and voted me (as Ron would put it) Pope of the Rope, Kommissar of Kink. Oftentimes people can only joke about the things that make them nervous and insecure- goofing around makes it safe to discuss, provides a vehicle to explore things that would be too scary to confront directly. So even if the vast majority of the people who toy around with kink and fetish on Saturday night after plenty of tequila never revisit it again, there are probably a few who will find that a safe and easy gateway to explore their desires, and end up pursuing it deeper. The downside is that depending on who is doing it, plenty of misinformation and clliches get spread. But thats where sites like this come in.

LPslittleclip -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 8:57:48 AM)
theres stuff like that on late night TV ads and such so it doesn't surprise me that some bars are showing it. now as far as unintended viewers i doubt that any were forced to watch or were prevented from leaving so it was fair to the audience at large to not view or just leave. now if younger than 18 were known to be there or similar than i would have been upset. myself I'm from Nevada so not much really shocking about most stuff as long as the general public or young ones are not viewing it than i don't have a problem.

bluefireeyez -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 8:58:25 AM)
Thank you for your thoughtful and interesting replies! i think what shocked me most is that i live in the middle of Amish/Mennonite country and sex itself is taboo. There is a HUGE issue with the porn store that sits outside of town. The funniest thing i've ever seen is huge signs saying "porn ruins families" right in front of the shop. i think if i was in Philly, or even Harrisburg it would not have shocked me as much. Perhaps it is my limited experience in seeing open kink, but it seems like it is becoming some thing almost commercialized. People do it without really understanding the depth to which it can go. It certainly can open doors, AnimusRex and sites like collarme have proven very valuable to me as i continue to learn about the lifestyle. Thank you guys for pointing out something i may have missed!

leadership527 -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 9:42:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez Perhaps it is my limited experience in seeing open kink, but it seems like it is becoming some thing almost commercialized. People do it without really understanding the depth to which it can go. It certainly can open doors, AnimusRex and sites like collarme have proven very valuable to me as i continue to learn about the lifestyle. Just remember that "depth" is your OWN value judgement based on YOUR experiences and YOUR life. Such things have no place in how someone else perceives it. It's not that they are, as AR said, "dilletantes playing". They are adult humans doing what they wish to do -- just as you do. If you read on these boards enough, it'll become obvious that pretty much nobody's idea of anything matches up well. It follows then that pretty much EVERYONE's relationship looks a lot like "playing" to everyone else. To give a specific example, all of the sexual stuff looks like "playing" to me. I do whatever I do outside the bedroom. Whether someone has spent the last 14 years learning how to tie rope or whatnot means nothing to me. But I'm gonna guess that it means a lot more than that to the person who invested the 14 years laughs. Conversely, because of the lack of sexuality and SM in my relationship, it looks like "playing" to a lot of folks who are into that stuff. If it's working for all the participants involved, then it is not trivial... no matter how it may look to an outsider.

LadyPact -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 10:10:56 AM)
I tried looking at your profile to see where you're from, OP. Being as someone who was raised a small town PA gal herself, I understand what you mean about the culture. Still, I think we have to understand that BDSM is the new shocker and attention grabber. People have found that it brings in the crowd and sells. It's hip, cool, and adventurous. That makes it a money maker in a lot of venues. Personally, I'd have been ok with it, but probably wouldn't have laughed along. I'd have sat there in a very matter of fact way and either talked about technique or the toys used or some other thing. I find that I take a very head on approach to those situations. I'd rather have people know that some of us have been doing this since before it was the new craze.

Acer49 -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 10:56:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez my friends and i decided to go out to the bar to have a little fun. Mind you this bar is known as the "slut" bar, i live in a college town and it seems like that is where they all end up. i have been going there for 3 years and have never seen anything like i had seen last night. They have at least 15 screens, some big and some small. As i was waiting for my friends to come back after getting a drink, they caught my eye. There were dancers in shadow, dancing completely off to the music. i know it was prerecorded, but it bothers me. Anyway, the next thing i know there are paddles, leashes, whips, and other D/s paraphenalia. The screen changed from dancers to people getting paddled, whipped, and even being led around on a leash. Now, i have a deep appreciation for all of those things. At home. i was surprised at what was up and asked a friend who also works at the bar about it. Knowing one of the owners, i was shocked that it would be playing. Of course the guy bouncers didn't mine because they thought it was funny. my friends also made jokes about it, and i laughed. The truth is, i was actually really put off by it. i felt that not only were they making light of it, but there was also a line crossed. Of course there will be some people who enjoy such things, but there are also the "innocent" who don't appreciate it. i have read about more overt displays of kink, such as the doctor in the one thread. While this was not "in your face" so to speak, it was exposing kink to people who needn't see it. What do you think about the more subtle but obvious displays in public? Unless this had been pre arranged, I can't see a business owner running such a risk as to possibly alienate his/her clientel. Guess one needs to check out the entertainment before going out these days

bluefireeyez -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 11:46:39 AM)
Leadership, a very good point indeed! Depth is to each his/her own. i have read a lot of your posts and respect your relationship. i agree that Dominance and Submission is some thing that happens outside of the bedroom as well. LadyPact- i'm glad that someone understands the culture around here! i was with friends who have no idea that i am submissive, so i did not know how to handle the situation. If i had been with friends that know about it, i doubt that either they or i would have laughed about it. i have, in the past, explained various things to friends who know me on that level. i highly doubt that it was prearranged. Perhaps most people were too drunk to realize what was playing. i do think it is a risky thing to do, but perhaps they didn't see it that way. Like many have said, it is the new attention grabber.

lizi -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 3:23:09 PM)
I think you felt put off by it because the subject on the screen has personal meaning to you and then when you went to ask others more about it, you were met with laughter. It would be hard for me to hold up my head (even if it were just to myself) about something near and dear to my heart if I was surrounded by people who thought it was silly. The topic of public BDSM has come up in various threads from time to time and I find it an interesting one. Some people are very outspoken about their right to carry on with their dynamic or activities in any type of situation in whatever way they wish, others find it abhorrent to take something private into the public eye. I guess I'd say since the setting this material was being shown was for adults and it wasn't the local opera house and then also it wasn't as if the clientele in the bar was being forced to watch it - no harm done. Anyone with a problem can turn around or leave although if it is somewhat of a sticky issue in that geographic area then this bar stands to lose some customers if anyone is offended and perhaps they will...who can say.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 5:03:26 PM)
~fast reply~ BDSM is the new black. Get used to it. Yeah, its irritating and annoying. But you have a choice as to whether you'll put up with something like that. If there had been a mass exodus when that sort of thing came on, the owners would take notice. You stayed.

SirJ40 -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/24/2009 9:47:39 PM)
There most definitely is a "flirtation" by the (for lack of a better word) vanilla public, as they are exposed more and more to alternative lifestyles in the media, in real life, and in their daily commutes. I don't agree that a crowd in a bar needs to be "protected" from seeing BDSM materials or activities, especially in the "uber-light" vein that was what you saw. If I did, then we'd never go out in public with her Collared.. which we do, quite regularly. Our life is not "dirty", it's our life.. it's beautiful, and it's not for anyone else to judge. As a group, we should be proud of our distinctiveness, our openness. AND, we, as a D/s couple, obviously behave responsibly when we're out like that.. for one thing, we're obviously identifiable as members of the Lifestyle, and we respect all of you too much to be "rude" to the general public about it... however, having her wear a Collar and be respectful and obedient to Me in public... what's not "decent" about that? If you ask Me, it's far less troublesome (to even children!) than say.. drunken people who argue, or aggressive religious zealots, foul mouthed youth's who are loudly holding a discussion using "fuck" as every second word.... or even their own parents, arguing and calling each other names as they wander down the mall! I find that far less people than you might expect react negatively.. it's not that shocking anymore, and we need to promote that by gently exposing the vanillas to our life.. and if / when they laugh? Ignore them, as you would other rude people.

DesFIP -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/25/2009 7:41:30 AM)
Lots of music videos include such stuff in an attempt to prove they are more extreme than others, garner more publicity. I wager this bar is doing the same rather than lose it's cachet as the hottest place in town. If you really disapprove, then tell your friend that you were offended and won't be back because of this.

BotanicalMiss -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/26/2009 4:11:07 PM)
I apparently live in close proximity to the OP, being quite familiar with the "porn ruins families" sign as well as the overall attitude of the area. Since I didn't grow up here, I personally find that a lot more offensive than I would any exhibition of kink in an adult environment such as a bar. Seeing as it is referred to as a "slut" bar, I would assume that it has somewhat of a reputation for being more provocative or edgy than others. Hence, it would make sense to me that they might show something kink related to keep that reputation. As others have said, kink or bdsm, whichever term you prefer, has become more mainstream and acceptable than ever before. Personally, if I was exposed to such things in a public "nilla" venue when I was the OPs age, I would have been more accepting of myself. After all, let's face it, many of us older folks were told in our younger years that what we desired was dirty and perverted (not in a good way), and that we ourselves were just plain sick. Such displays as what the OP mentioned have nothing to do with the lifestyle, just with kink and sexuality. While many of us combine it with a D/s lifestyle, there are millions of people who incorporate kink into their sex lives with no power exchange whatsoever. The exposure to it in "normal" settings, in my opinion, make it easier for those who want more depth to it to be more comfortable with finding it, as they can see right out there in the real world that it might be edgy, but not wrong or sick. And I'd be right there with Lady Pact making some sort of comment about technique or toys being used. If I'm comfortable enough with someone to be going out with them and something of this sort comes up, I'm more than open about my involvement in it... which is why some of the women I work with don't invite me out anymore and I'm at the top of the guest list for others. I understand that everyone has their own comfort level with these things, but taking it so strongly to heart isn't necessary. Others will see such displays and take them lightly because they don't know the depth that D/s can go to, but I don't think it's any different than any other display of intimacy. To some people, sex is strictly between two people who love each other and are committed to each other while for others it's just a good time. To some people, bdsm is an extension of a committed D/s relationship and for others... well, there are many different levels. Be comfortable with yourself and what it means to you, and let the others have their own ideas. Of course, there are some who laugh because it's something they've thought of but are too embarassed to admit it. And just for the record, there are probably a whole lot more lifestylers and kinksters in the area than the OP might imagine. There's even a monthly munch held just a few miles down the road from the college campus! Bottom line, light bdsm exposure such as this is becoming more mainstream and is cropping up a lot more in adult venues such as bars and clubs all over the place. It's not portrayed with a sense of understanding of a deeper underlying lifestyle, but I think it's showing the world that it's not some dirty little secret we have to keep behind closed doors. And I, for one, don't see that as a bad thing.

littlewonder -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/26/2009 6:53:48 PM)
They show that kind of stuff at nightclubs all the time around here. Doesn't bother me one bit. Most times I don't even notice it to be honest. It's on tv. It's in music. It's in clubs. It's everywhere. It's not that big a shock really. Kinky sex is pretty mainstream.

pompeii -> RE: D/s in a vanilla setting (10/27/2009 5:16:32 AM)
It's all over. Lois Lane is always tied up and bound to a chair, her clothes in sensual disarray ... Princess Leia in her slave garb to Jabba the hut strikes me as highly erotic and in main-stream media ... "bondage-a-go-go" is in San Francisco at a "regular" nightclub (as much as anything in SF is regular) ...

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