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looking for advice - 10/27/2009 11:48:24 AM

ImOnMyKnees4u

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/7/2008
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I am a sub, i have foolishly dated vanilla guy for awhile and have not been in a D/s relationship in a few years. I been so hurt and its hard for me to trust. I am with a Dom now, I didnt even know he was a Dom till the third date, He is true. I am so very much in love with him it scares me. He is going easy with me, nothing D/s in the bedroom yet though. I Have not fully submitted, a part of me is scared, How do i just suck it up and be the sub i am? I feel he is getting impatient. I just want to serve him and love him and i keep holding back. *Sigh*

Distressed Broken Sub

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RE: looking for advice - 10/27/2009 12:07:53 PM

MasterAramis

Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
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ImOnMyKnees4u,

This is a common problem with many who have had a prior trust issues due to some emotional pain. Ultimately, if he is right, you will let go. It may take time. Remember there is no pill that can make it happen overnight. Only he can. It's part of the enslavement process.

The only thing I can offer you is knock off the "broken" mantra. If you keep thinking like that you won't get anywhere. Remember, think positive and let him do his job. If he does it right, you will be fine.

As for his frustration, that is just your sense, ASK Him, don't go by your gut feeling. Dominants are extremely complex in nature. If he comes to you and says, yes he is frustrated, maybe you are not communicating enough with him about what makes you tick. More often then not, he is fine and it's just you reading more into it then what is there.

Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Aramis Duval

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RE: looking for advice - 10/27/2009 12:10:14 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ImOnMyKnees4u

I am a sub, i have foolishly dated vanilla guy for awhile and have not been in a D/s relationship in a few years. I been so hurt and its hard for me to trust. I am with a Dom now, I didnt even know he was a Dom till the third date, He is true. I am so very much in love with him it scares me. He is going easy with me, nothing D/s in the bedroom yet though. I Have not fully submitted, a part of me is scared, How do i just suck it up and be the sub i am? I feel he is getting impatient. I just want to serve him and love him and i keep holding back. *Sigh*

Distressed Broken Sub

talk talk talk talk talk --- goddammit I WISH I had a word generator handy I would multiply it a million times.

Look, if you FEEL he is getting impatient talk to him about your feelings, only good things will come from it.

R

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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RE: looking for advice - 10/27/2009 1:33:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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If he doesn't have enough patience to allow you to have a sufficient history with him so that you can judge his actions, then run. What does he want you to do to prove you've totally submitted? Sign over title of your car? Bank account? Get your sister/best friend to join you two in bed?

Submission isn't something you give over totally at any one time. You do it little by little. But if he wants a insta-sub then he shouldn't be talking to a real human being.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel, don't put words in his mouth, accept his words at face value. If he says he isn't losing patience with you, then trust him to be telling you the truth. And ask him for help in relaxing and accepting what he says.

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RE: looking for advice - 10/27/2009 7:05:11 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Look, if you FEEL he is getting impatient talk to him about your feelings, only good things will come from it.

R

This gets the gold star.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 2:48:43 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
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Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. Gain confidence through experience over time. Part of that experience includes communication.

Patience is a virtue. Be virtuous.

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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 10:37:02 AM

HerSir

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Joined: 10/1/2009
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If he isn't patient enough to earn your trust, he isn't worth your trust.

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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 10:56:13 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
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Have you talked to him? Does he know you have trust issues? If he does and is geting impatient then maybe he is not the right match for you.
Like others said talk and then talk some more.

Matt's littleone

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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 1:58:13 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ImOnMyKnees4u

I am a sub, i have foolishly dated vanilla guy for awhile and have not been in a D/s relationship in a few years. I been so hurt and its hard for me to trust. I am with a Dom now, I didnt even know he was a Dom till the third date, He is true. I am so very much in love with him it scares me. He is going easy with me, nothing D/s in the bedroom yet though. I Have not fully submitted, a part of me is scared, How do i just suck it up and be the sub i am? I feel he is getting impatient. I just want to serve him and love him and i keep holding back. *Sigh*

Distressed Broken Sub

You could suck it up and go for it if you feel confident in him, or you could talk to him and maybe mutually agree on some things that may help build you trust. You "feel" he is getting impatient? You should never make assumptions. find out for sure.

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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 2:55:49 PM

antipode

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Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

its hard for me to trust

Look at it this way: inflicting trust issues caused by a previous relationship on a new relationship is disrespectful, destructive and means you're shying away from your responsibility to treat another person on their own merits. Weak.

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RE: looking for advice - 10/28/2009 10:03:18 PM

JanMikal

Posts: 20
Joined: 7/8/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

its hard for me to trust

Look at it this way: inflicting trust issues caused by a previous relationship on a new relationship is disrespectful, destructive and means you're shying away from your responsibility to treat another person on their own merits. Weak.

I dont think I can agree with this at all; humans always judge the present on past experience. Not a one of us can claim that we go into a relationship with fully open arms, lacking emotional baggage. Our past informs our present, and ultimately, our future. I would more say that she should explain to her new Dom about her past and her trust issues, and explain to him that she WANTS to trust him, but she needs time and patience. If he's a true Dom, one who truly wants the best for his subbe, then he will understand. Now, if she were DELIBERATELY sabotaging the relationship and just blaming it on trust issues, perhaps, but I don't necessarily get that feeling.

Just my $.02

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RE: looking for advice - 10/29/2009 8:01:11 AM

alittleevil

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Joined: 10/25/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ImOnMyKnees4u
I Have not fully submitted, a part of me is scared, How do i just suck it up and be the sub i am? I feel he is getting impatient. I just want to serve him and love him and i keep holding back. *Sigh*

Hello,

Maybe he's going easy on you because he knows you are scared and skittish. Having said that, i don't know of any way you can "fully submit" and "be the sub [you are]" all on your own without his active participation. By "suck it up" do you mean you are actively resisting his control? While, yes, some degree of willingness and eagerness to submit on your part is rather necessary, resistance happens. "Holding back" happens. It can feel very un-submissive and freak one out (good submissives don't do that right? Bleh!) but barring serious tranquilizers, i don't think there is any way to avoid it at some point when confronted with someone who is actively taking control of you. For the short term, just try to relax and simply obey and serve and let him do what he does. However, if either of you are expecting you to be able to do this on your own, well, that's a tough spot to be in.

Wishing you well,
aj

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RE: looking for advice - 10/29/2009 9:14:06 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ImOnMyKnees4u

I am a sub, i have foolishly dated vanilla guy for awhile and have not been in a D/s relationship in a few years. I been so hurt and its hard for me to trust. I am with a Dom now, I didnt even know he was a Dom till the third date, He is true. I am so very much in love with him it scares me. He is going easy with me, nothing D/s in the bedroom yet though. I Have not fully submitted, a part of me is scared, How do i just suck it up and be the sub i am? I feel he is getting impatient. I just want to serve him and love him and i keep holding back. *Sigh*

greetings,

is it possible due to your current trust issues that you may be misinterpreting his behavior and reading too much into this? the question stems from the fact you indicated that he is going easy and hasn't begun implementing an exchange at all. you've also stated that you just came to the realization that he's dominant after three dates, which contradicts your suggestion that he's vanilla. which is correct?

i suspect a lot of this has to do with your past and the fear of being hurt again. your heart is involved and you've confessed that you're in love with him as well. which will only amplify everything you're feeling, including the negative. perhaps the one that is impatient is you, but not because you want everything right now, but you're afraid of losing what you have, so you've worked yourself into a frenzy and want to do more rather than sit back and allow things to unfold naturally.

all the patience in the world from the other person won't calm you if you're not aiding the process. you are in the presence of someone that seems to be doing what he should, and i'm willing to bet if he was doing the D/s you'd still be uncomfortable, because much of this goes back to you. my suggestion is to be honest about how you're feeling and allow him to provide some comfort. but you must also bid adieu to the past. the havoc it is wreaking over your life and current relationship would seem unworthy in my mind. it is the past and if those situations were ideal they'd be current rather than done. letting go is never easy, but it provides room for something better.

you're fortunate to have that in your presence right now and that is where your focus should be. don't think about letting go or how to do it. pack the memories up in their pretty box, tie the bow and wave goodbye. you can choose to do this in your mind or literally go to the ocean and watch them float away. it has a very cleansing effect. i wish you and yours well.

porcelaine

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