I think the End may finally be here

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hizgeorgiapeach -> I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 2:41:35 PM)
Despite the fact that the hospice company decided dad "didn't need them" any longer, things have been getting rapidly and progressively worse over the past month. His breathing has become much more seriously labored. His eatting habits have become more erratic. Sleep has pretty much been non-existant for any of us in the household in anything longer lasting than a 2 hour stretch. DHS is still dragging their feet concerning helping me find a nursing home for him - he doesn't have enough income for private pay, he makes to much pension to qualify for medicaid assistance to pay for it. And yesterday, he was admitted to the hospital. For the past week, things have been getting steadily worse in pretty much everything. On top of the breathing problems he's had for so long, a couple of days ago he started having problems urinating. We've been pumping fluids into him as quick as we can... but nothing is coming back Out again. Yesterday, while I was on the phone attempting to get cooperation from either his original PCP, or from the one the insurance company randomly assigned him to (who I found out yesterday RETIRED back in July!).... dad went into a bit of a crisis. His breath was wheezing, he was choking on his own fluids, couldn't sit himself up, or keep himself set up when someone propped him up. I ended up calling an ambulance to come get him, and take him to the ER - because nothing I was doing or Could do with the equipment here at home was making any difference in his comfort level, much less in the problem itself. A significantly stronger breathing treatment than he had available here at home - and the ER putting him on an oxygen level that is 3 Times what he normally takes for several hours - got his breathing under control again. Unfortunately, the doctors think he might be going into renal failure, and on top of that he has a seriously elevated white count and some of the other bloodwork came back abnormal. (Abnormal for him - drug levels off, liver function stuff outta whack, that sort of thing.) We don't know yet whether he's going to make it out of the hospital this time. I've got to go back up there shortly, to check in on things and find out what the doctors are thinking at this point. They sent me home last night, telling me that there was nothing I could do up there... and between the doctors, the roomie, and the other half, I wasn't really given the option of protesting that decision. I became nearly hysterical yesterday after they loaded dad into the ambulance to head to the ER, and I find even now that I'm having decidedly mixed feelings about what's happening. I thought I had myself..... prepared for the inevitable. Part of me has even been pretty much praying that it would finally Happen, so it would all simply be Over once and for all. Now that that might be really happening - right now - there's a really good chance he won't come out of the hospital at all - I'm finding that it is probably one of the hardest things I've ever faced. It hurts, because for the past couple of months, dad and I haven't been getting along. I've been suffering from burnout as a caregiver, and it has made my patience with him extremely short. While I've continued to carry out what I felt was my duty to him - I've resented that duty, resented him, resented the circumstances. I've been angry more often than anything else, and when I'm not angry I've been depressed. I was terrified yesterday that he was going to die there in the ER, yet when the doctors informed me that they were admitting him... the first thing that went across my mind was. "Damn that old bastard - I'm so gonna strangle him when he gets home, for scaring me like this." I'm having trouble reconciling myself to the fact that I've...... been praying for him to die and get it done. I'm having trouble reconciling the two halves of myself that alternately want him to go ahead and pass peacefully in his sleep up at the hospital, and want him to get past this and stick around. I found out Tuesday that dad's mother - who has been in a nursing home in another state for the past 10 years, living on borrowed time and so deep in Alzheimer's that she didn't even know dad any longer - passed away during the weekend, while I was out camping in an area that got no cell phone service. I spent wenesday and yesterday morning trying to figure out how to tell him that his mother - whose health has been fragile for years - finally passed peacefully in her sleep. He still doesn't know, because I was still trying to figure out a gentle and compassionate means of telling him - when I've been so angry and often overly harsh lately - when he went into his medical crisis. Now he's in the hospital and may not come out - and I can't make myself tell him while he's laying in a hospital bed. He deserves to know that his mother is gone, and that she died in peace while she slept. He deserves to know what's going on. But I face the dilemna of how to tell him, and whether to wait until I'm certain whether he's going to make it himself. I don't know, at this point, whether I hope more that this is the end, and he'll finally have the peace he's wanted since the stroke..... or that this is just a minor hickup, he'll be better in a few days, and get out of the hospital. Either way, this isn't as easy to face now that it's In my face, as I thought it would be.

sirsholly -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 2:47:49 PM)
quote: It hurts, because for the past couple of months, dad and I haven't been getting along. I've been suffering from burnout as a caregiver, and it has made my patience with him extremely short. While I've continued to carry out what I felt was my duty to him - I've resented that duty, resented him, resented the circumstances. I've been angry more often than anything else, and when I'm not angry I've been depressed. I was terrified yesterday that he was going to die there in the ER, yet when the doctors informed me that they were admitting him... the first thing that went across my mind was. "Damn that old bastard - I'm so gonna strangle him when he gets home, for scaring me like this." I'm having trouble reconciling myself to the fact that I've...... been praying for him to die and get it done. I'm having trouble reconciling the two halves of myself that alternately want him to go ahead and pass peacefully in his sleep up at the hospital, and want him to get past this and stick around. this is normal for any caregiver. You are not a bad person, ungrateful daughter, or whatever else you have been unfairly calling yourself (and i know you have...so don't deny it!). What you are is tired. I hope you both have the peace you seek.

DesFIP -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 2:49:37 PM)
((((Hugs)))) Suggestions: If they want to release him, tell them you can't take him home. They will kick the powers that be into finding a nursing home. And don't tell him about his mother, he's not in shape to understand, and it will do no good. It sounds as though they will meet up soon enough. Beyond that, you having totally opposite feelings is normal, accept them. My mother was in a coma for a few weeks before she died. I both wanted her to pass and be out of pain and at the same time I wanted her to stay, no matter what. We all have these feelings in a situation like this. I'm having them now, with my father slowly sinking mentally every year. Needing higher levels of care every few months. I both want it over, because seeing him not be the man he once was is painful and I want him to hang on because I don't want to be abandoned. Not that he is but that's how it feels emotionally. The contradictory feelings are normal, don't waste time feeling guilty.

sirsholly -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 2:52:53 PM)
quote: Suggestions: If they want to release him, tell them you can't take him home. They will kick the powers that be into finding a nursing home. oh goodness yes Rhi...the hospital social service dept should be made aware that you need placement for him.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 2:56:27 PM)
I hope things work out for you, what ever happens.

Phoenixpower -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 3:08:37 PM)
I would also be careful with the decision to tell him about his mother...if he would improve again then he could be in a state to receive the message but if not, then I would not necessarily do so. When my grandma passed away we did not tell her that her cat disappeared (though I know that a mother is slightly a different value then a pet, nevertheless for granny her cat was important) during her last 2 weeks before she passed away. We don't know if she disappeared as my parents went on holiday or because she "got it" what was going to happen as it was obvious that she "got it" when granny received the call 2 years before that grandpa passed away. So whilst I wished it would have been possible to tell her the truth I know it would have hurt her big time and caused her even more dispair about her situation she was in at the end (bed bound at her final stage of cancer) and so we kept pretending to her that she (her cat) is fine when she asked about her...good luck and best wishes in your decisions and in your upbcoming time Rhi

frazzle -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 3:18:40 PM)
i am not overly religious, but will ask my mother to say a mass for you. it often helps me and hope you get some comfort. youve done nothing wrong and your feelings are normal. rest while he's in hospital, you need it. hugs

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 3:24:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Suggestions: If they want to release him, tell them you can't take him home. They will kick the powers that be into finding a nursing home. oh goodness yes Rhi...the hospital social service dept should be made aware that you need placement for him. Holly, I've let them know that I'm desperately searching for a nursing center for him. I've also let the nurses know, and the doctor who is on the case know. Hopefully, since the lil snot socialworker who was Supposed to be helping me find one has had 3 extra days since she ewas supposed to call me, and still hasn't..... has fallen down on the job, so to speak..... this'll act as a kick in the pants to them.

GreedyTop -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/30/2009 10:49:27 PM)
hugs Rhi

Level -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 3:31:46 AM)
*Rhi, I'm sorry you're going through this hugssssss* It's not easy, and it's not really something you CAN be prepared for, no matter how much you try.**

sirsholly -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 3:38:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Suggestions: If they want to release him, tell them you can't take him home. They will kick the powers that be into finding a nursing home. oh goodness yes Rhi...the hospital social service dept should be made aware that you need placement for him. Holly, I've let them know that I'm desperately searching for a nursing center for him. I've also let the nurses know, and the doctor who is on the case know. Hopefully, since the lil snot socialworker who was Supposed to be helping me find one has had 3 extra days since she ewas supposed to call me, and still hasn't..... has fallen down on the job, so to speak..... this'll act as a kick in the pants to them. Rhi....i hate to say this, but it may be time for you to expose your inner bitch. Refuse to take him home. You will force social services into finding placement. If you act in a passive manner you may be walked on.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 4:38:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Suggestions: If they want to release him, tell them you can't take him home. They will kick the powers that be into finding a nursing home. oh goodness yes Rhi...the hospital social service dept should be made aware that you need placement for him. Holly, I've let them know that I'm desperately searching for a nursing center for him. I've also let the nurses know, and the doctor who is on the case know. Hopefully, since the lil snot socialworker who was Supposed to be helping me find one has had 3 extra days since she ewas supposed to call me, and still hasn't..... has fallen down on the job, so to speak..... this'll act as a kick in the pants to them. Rhi....i hate to say this, but it may be time for you to expose your inner bitch. Refuse to take him home. You will force social services into finding placement. If you act in a passive manner you may be walked on. I'm thinking that you're probably right. Although loosing my Inner Bitch on some of them, considering just how cranky she is right now, might be fatal for one or more lackluster social workers LoL. Dad has gotten a bit weird since they took him off hospice. He won't let me help him with the hygene stuff that he would let the health aide help him with - nor will he let J or my S.O. do so either. He throws a fit if I come in to clean his room or if I try to go in and change the sheets on his bed even if I do so while he's in the bathroom. It's almost like some portion of his brain has told him... if nothing changes, then time comes to a standstill, and either the inevitable won't happen, or things will go back to the routines that were in place while hospice was coming in. The s.o. has been... more than a godsend. I think (hope?) I've actually found a keeper this time. He was getting ready to head to work when dad's crisis started, and refused to go in because he didn't want me having to deal with it without help. When I essentially Collapsed into an hysterical heap after they loaded dad into the ambulance, he got everything together that he knew I would need up at the hospital.... the notebooks with dad's legal paperwork like his AD and DNR and the PoA, the notebook full of medical stuff which was the hospice notes, all my "stuff" like wallet and coat, poured me into the car, made sure the house was closed up, and drove me up to the hospital after the ambulance even though he's JUST moved down from an hour away and doesn't know this city yet. He dealt with the doctors, and has been making me catch up on lost sleep since we got back from taking dad in. He's even been willing to help me get caught up on various housework and stuff that I haven't been able to keep up with because dad was constantly yelling for something. (That in and of itself threw me for a bit of a loop - omg, a male that actually Volunteers to help with housework; that does housework without being grinched at or nagged to death?? Holy Fuck, either I'm asleep and simply dreaming that such a thing exists, or I've died and gone to heaven and simply haven't realized it yet!) He has managed to take control of a situation that I figure would throw damn near anyone for a loop, and do so with grace and style. It's weird - I walked away from power exchange years ago, and did so for a reason. Now I find myself deep in the midst of a power exchange relationship with someone who is very dominant, yet acts NOTHING like any of the multitude of "dominants" I've been involved with in the past. When I asked him yesterday, after he got back from work, why he had insisted on going to the hospital with me and such, when we're not married and it isn't his relative or even in-law - his responce was that it was his Responcibility to be there. He said he took on a responcibility for my well being when he took on the privilage of me defering to his decisions..... and that responcibility included dealing with the stuff concerning dad, since he knew when he got involved with me that dad was in such poor health and nearing death. The fact that he actually Acknowledges that he has a responciblity to the relationship is unique in my experience - whether it be a nilla relationship or an sm relationship. The idea that he considers leading to be a privilage - one which can be revoked if he shirks that assumed responcibility - is definately unique in my personal experience with those who consider themselves dominant in the bdsm sense. He's a creatively sadistic bastard, and Extremely talented with the toys... as the bruises and welts on my back and ass can oh-so-well attest to. He makes no bones about what his expectations are. Yet despite being very dominant in personality, and sadistic in play, he is perhaps the most compassionate man I've ever known. Don't get me wrong - he has his flaws, and he's by no means perfect. But I don't expect perfection from anyone other than myself, and the flaws that he has are things I can live with - and a few of them are even things that I consider amusing/endearing. I can't hazzard a guess as to whether the relationship will last in the long run - but I do find myself having a bit of hope, after a very long time of completely giving up on anything remotely resembling relationships that were worth keeping, and having lost faith in the male portion of humanity. For the time being, he has stepped up to the plate to put himself between me and all the crap that has been keeping me from feeling completely alive. He's made it possible for me to start finding myself again, and I intend to enjoy it for as long as it lasts - whether that means a few weeks, or several years.

purepleasure -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 4:41:57 AM)
Rhi, I'm not sure how spiritual you are but, God might not always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need.

sirsholly -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 5:28:35 AM)
how true, Peaches

yourdarkdesire -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 5:41:58 AM)
Rhi - I am SO sorry you are going thru all this. I did this several years ago with my own Mom and completely understand where you are coming from. You are very lucky to have found such a sturdy rock to support you as go through this as well. Make sure you get some time for yourself - even if it is just a visit to the chapel to relax for a while. All hospital are different in what they provide, but ours here has a traditional chapel as well as meditative gardens. I wish you strengh and courage for as long as you need. If you ever need to vent - I would be happy to help - like I said - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Be well ydd

wandersalone -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 7:12:12 AM)
Rhi sending you my thoughts at what must be a confusing time filled with conflicting emotions and thoughts about and for your dad.

DarkSteven -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 7:18:55 AM)
Rhi, I'm technically not a doctor, nut I prescribe chocolate for you. And ice cream.

hejira92 -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 11:43:09 AM)
Rhi- I'm sending tons of support and hugs. Please don't feel any guilt over the conflicting feelings- I'd be more worried if you WEREN'T having them. I'm so glad you have some support. I don't want to get into a "twue and weal" discussion, but IMO, what you describe IS a real Dom. When I recount the sh*t Sir has seen me through in the past 3 1/2 years, I am amazed He hasn't run away screaming- death, cancer, deployment, appendectomies, TEENAGERS! It seems that the one now in your life knows what it's about. Good for you. You deserve it!

MistressLavinia -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 12:09:48 PM)
Contact Medicare and ask them for home health care, Hopefully they can send a nurse to help you with your Dad, even if it gives you a few hours of peace. Usually they will approve even 4 hours per day. Being the caregiver is a 24/7 job. Just try to hold it together and give as much love to him as you can, but remember to love yourself too. Helping him is helping you too, you need to give to yourself and you will be able to deal with the pressure. You need the time away, you need peace, and you need life. I work in my fathers practice, and see that sometimes the caregivers get sicker then the patients. Your a great person for doing all that you have done, and will do, but most important is to remember love yourself, give to yourself, and help yourself. We will all pass on for eternity, were only here together for a short time, so love the time you have. Good luck and I too will keep you and your Dad in my thoughts and prayers. Lavinia

DesFIP -> RE: I think the End may finally be here (10/31/2009 12:15:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach It's weird - I walked away from power exchange years ago, and did so for a reason. Now I find myself deep in the midst of a power exchange relationship with someone who is very dominant, yet acts NOTHING like any of the multitude of "dominants" I've been involved with in the past. When I asked him yesterday, after he got back from work, why he had insisted on going to the hospital with me and such, when we're not married and it isn't his relative or even in-law - his responce was that it was his Responcibility to be there. He said he took on a responcibility for my well being when he took on the privilage of me defering to his decisions..... and that responcibility included dealing with the stuff concerning dad, since he knew when he got involved with me that dad was in such poor health and nearing death. The fact that he actually Acknowledges that he has a responciblity to the relationship is unique in my experience - whether it be a nilla relationship or an sm relationship. The idea that he considers leading to be a privilage - one which can be revoked if he shirks that assumed responcibility - is definately unique in my personal experience with those who consider themselves dominant in the bdsm sense. He's a creatively sadistic bastard, and Extremely talented with the toys... as the bruises and welts on my back and ass can oh-so-well attest to. He makes no bones about what his expectations are. Yet despite being very dominant in personality, and sadistic in play, he is perhaps the most compassionate man I've ever known. Don't get me wrong - he has his flaws, and he's by no means perfect. But I don't expect perfection from anyone other than myself, and the flaws that he has are things I can live with - and a few of them are even things that I consider amusing/endearing. I can't hazzard a guess as to whether the relationship will last in the long run - but I do find myself having a bit of hope, after a very long time of completely giving up on anything remotely resembling relationships that were worth keeping, and having lost faith in the male portion of humanity. For the time being, he has stepped up to the plate to put himself between me and all the crap that has been keeping me from feeling completely alive. He's made it possible for me to start finding myself again, and I intend to enjoy it for as long as it lasts - whether that means a few weeks, or several years. Rhi, I was 48 before I finally met a man who wanted not just the rights in a relationship, but the responsibility as well. And he'll help at any task I ask help with, and doesn't allow me to wear myself to the bone. Sounds like this guy is a keeper, and a gift to you for all you've been going through. Appreciate him and realize that you deserve this.

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