When do I stop inquiring about Dommes?

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When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 3:01:18 PM

KneelsANDYields

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

I have been looking for a relationship with a Domme. I have sent several emails out with not much response. I recently began speaking with one Domme, though. We have plans to meet for the first time in a week. We seem to be a good match on paper, but who knows what will happen once we meet. Sometimes once you meet, one of you decides the chemistry isn't there or the other person has something about their personality that isn't appealing. Meanwhile, there is another Domme I am interested in. Is it okay to begin a discussion with this other Domme since I am uncollared and haven't even met the first Domme? I don't want to appear to be trifling, but sometimes one is a better fit than the other. Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 3:36:57 PM

AvidRunner

Posts: 19
Joined: 7/27/2009
Status: offline

If you're going to meet her in a week, I'd wait and see how that goes.

One on hand, I understand that if you're not in a committed relationship, it's ok to look around, but honestly - if I had plans to meet a sub, and I found out he was hitting on someone else, I'd be annoyed.

(in reply to KneelsANDYields)

Post #: 2

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 3:54:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Same here. It's all of a week that you would have to wait to see if there is chemistry.

When I first moved here, I was contacted by someone that I thought was very promising. During his correspondence time with Me, I uncovered that he was also speaking to someone else. At that time, I withdrew. I did not answer any more of his mail from that point on. (It was a good thing for Me in the end, but that's not the point.)

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AvidRunner)

Post #: 3

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 4:37:02 PM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelsANDYields

I have been looking for a relationship with a Domme. I have sent several emails out with not much response. I recently began speaking with one Domme, though. We have plans to meet for the first time in a week. We seem to be a good match on paper, but who knows what will happen once we meet. Sometimes once you meet, one of you decides the chemistry isn't there or the other person has something about their personality that isn't appealing. Meanwhile, there is another Domme I am interested in. Is it okay to begin a discussion with this other Domme since I am uncollared and haven't even met the first Domme? I don't want to appear to be trifling, but sometimes one is a better fit than the other. Thank you.

I personally don't see an issue with it as long as you are totally honest with both people that you are not committed at this time and you are dating or looking, but then I'm poly, and I would also make it clear that I was doing the same thing. A lot of other dommes are not poly. You do definitely risk offending some dommes who will be very unhappy that you weren't interested enough or serious enough to just wait a week and meet them.

If I found out that you were not being honest and communicative about talking to other dommes while planning to meet me, that would definitely be a deal breaker for me, too. Not the poly or shopping around part, just the dishonesty part.

I suspect that if her profile doesn't say "poly", and you're not prepared to be honest about still being in an actively dating other people phase, you're probably much better off treating her commitment to meet you with a little more seriousness and focusing only on her for now. If the chemistry isn't there, you can always move on after that is clear.

_____________________________

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(in reply to KneelsANDYields)

Post #: 4

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 5:10:13 PM

gentlemanprince

Posts: 127
Joined: 5/19/2008
Status: offline

I have a question for those Dommes who take offense. Does it work the other way? If you had plans to meet a sub, would you hold off on chatting with other subs or at least disclose that you are? Personally, I see nothing wrong with a sub exploring with several Dommes unless there is an agreement otherwise. And if I agreed to forgo other Dommes, I would expect her to behave similarly.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 5

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 5:33:02 PM

purepleasure

Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

gentleman prince, unless you're expecting a monogamous relationship with your Domme, you should not expect her to put off meetings with other potential submissives. But then, monogamy should be discussed before you ever get to the "let's meet and see where this goes" level.

_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

Post #: 6

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 5:56:45 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince

I have a question for those Dommes who take offense. Does it work the other way? If you had plans to meet a sub, would you hold off on chatting with other subs or at least disclose that you are? Personally, I see nothing wrong with a sub exploring with several Dommes unless there is an agreement otherwise. And if I agreed to forgo other Dommes, I would expect her to behave similarly.

I may be the odd person out here, because of both. I am poly, but I only deal with one prospective sub at a time. If I am integrating someone into My family, I take that process one person at a time. The exception to this might be a s/s couple, or a switch that already had a sub of his own, but wanted to be submissive to Me.

If I'm interested enough to meet with someone for their potential, that's what I'm going to be focused on. It's not a 'playing the field' until there's a collar involved thing. I can always go back to looking if it doesn't work out.

The other way around, if someone is seeing several Dommes, how serious can he really be about wanting to serve Me? By that, I mean Me as the person and not just someone who happens to be a Domme.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

Post #: 7

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 7:09:36 PM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The other way around, if someone is seeing several Dommes, how serious can he really be about wanting to serve Me? By that, I mean Me as the person and not just someone who happens to be a Domme.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd just see that as a man making a fully informed choice. I would rather deal with a man who felt like he had options than a man who thinks I'm his only way to get his rocks off. I also think that it's not uncommon for humans to seek out other relationships as a guard against getting too emotionally attached to a person. I don't think that's unhealthy when the Other has made no formal monogamous commitment to the person. Frequently, it's the only way for a person to build a safe space where they can bond with the Other. Human nature is what it is. And I don't think it's at its best when people make premature commitments to uncommitted others based on romantic notions.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 7:24:05 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

OP,

If you're being honest with both women you've mentioned about the fact that you're still looking and speaking with other women...no harm done.

If, however, you're flitting from domme to domme looking for that magic fit without being honest with each one you "try on"...I would say you are playing a game that will bite you in the bum at some point.

Trust me...women, be they domme/sub/switch or vanilla, find little to like about players. Be honest and you should be find.

Good luck with your search and your "meeting".

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 10/31/2009 7:28:16 PM >

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to KneelsANDYields)

Post #: 9

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 9:50:18 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The other way around, if someone is seeing several Dommes, how serious can he really be about wanting to serve Me? By that, I mean Me as the person and not just someone who happens to be a Domme.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd just see that as a man making a fully informed choice. I would rather deal with a man who felt like he had options than a man who thinks I'm his only way to get his rocks off. I also think that it's not uncommon for humans to seek out other relationships as a guard against getting too emotionally attached to a person. I don't think that's unhealthy when the Other has made no formal monogamous commitment to the person. Frequently, it's the only way for a person to build a safe space where they can bond with the Other. Human nature is what it is. And I don't think it's at its best when people make premature commitments to uncommitted others based on romantic notions.

This would depend entirely in how you look at it. Some of your points wouldn't apply in My particular case. One being that I am not involved with s types for 'romance'. Another would be it's not a case of someone's only option to 'getting their rocks off' with Me. If they are meeting Me in the first place, any potential play partner/sub/put desired label here, knows from the beginning that there is not going to be an encounter that's going to include any form of physical sex.

I'm all with you that people shouldn't make premature commitments. I think there should be a time investment made with the focus being on what each person wants, what type of person they are getting involved with, do their kinks and fetishes match, so on and so on. Ergo, I would be investing My time in the s type I was interested in, rather than spreading it among various interests.

I suppose I'm also looking at it from the angle that the OP will be meeting this other person in a week. I'm guessing they have done all of the preliminary discussions that lead two people to want to move to the real world. That some actual interest is already there. If they meet and all goes well (let's hope for the OP) there may not be a reason to continue searching, involving another person where it would be unfair to them. I mean, we're talking a whole seven days here. It's not like that many opportunities are going to pass by in a week.

Anyway, best of luck to you on your meeting OP!

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lucienne)

Post #: 10

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 10/31/2009 11:08:08 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm all with you that people shouldn't make premature commitments. I think there should be a time investment made with the focus being on what each person wants, what type of person they are getting involved with, do their kinks and fetishes match, so on and so on. Ergo, I would be investing My time in the s type I was interested in, rather than spreading it among various interests.

I suppose I'm also looking at it from the angle that the OP will be meeting this other person in a week. I'm guessing they have done all of the preliminary discussions that lead two people to want to move to the real world. That some actual interest is already there. If they meet and all goes well (let's hope for the OP) there may not be a reason to continue searching, involving another person where it would be unfair to them. I mean, we're talking a whole seven days here. It's not like that many opportunities are going to pass by in a week.

Yeah, I see it the same way. If I'm interested enough in someone that I'm getting ready to meet them in a few days, I can't imagine how I could also be interested enough in someone else to be writing to them, too. To each their own, but I guess i can't imagine how that would work.

_____________________________

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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 5:30:24 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm poly so I have zero problems with anyone talking with others or seeing others while we are in the talking stages.

Once we move on to formal training, then I expect that training to be a big focus on their lives.

If we move on to a personal owner-slave relationship then I expect any other relationships (unless they were pre-existing and I have very strong rules about that) to end for at least six months. I firmly believe each relationship needs time to build and develop without new dynamics interfering until you know how strong things are between you and what might work.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince

I have a question for those Dommes who take offense. Does it work the other way? If you had plans to meet a sub, would you hold off on chatting with other subs or at least disclose that you are? Personally, I see nothing wrong with a sub exploring with several Dommes unless there is an agreement otherwise. And if I agreed to forgo other Dommes, I would expect her to behave similarly.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

Post #: 12

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:08:50 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Talking is talking.. in the vanilla world and in the bdsm world.. ... vanilla example.. you might meet Steve for a lunch date on Monday and then Dinner with Bob on Friday.. you may or may not being having sex with either guy.. And Steve maybe having Dinner with someone else on Friday ... you not in a committed relationship.. So I do not see why talking to more than one Domme is a problem.. as long as when you meet with one or the other you make it clear your not at the point where your ready even being the consideration process... this is just a Hi, nice to meet you lets have a cup of coffee. If she gets offended by that I would say that expectations are not realistic. I dont believe that there are different dating rules for submissives and dominants in the inital stages now once you step into the consideration process well thats a whole different kettle of fish.

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 13

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:14:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

But if I know this guy has had five other dates this week, I'm not going to assume he's capable of committing to anyone and I'd pass on a date.

So as you can tell OP, it totally depends on the people in question. Some here would be fine, others wouldn't even show up for the coffee date. Plus if you can't even wait one week to meet someone, that to me is a red flag.

I wouldn't want to meet you if there's a chance you'll be comparing me to the other person the whole time. I want to be seen as me not as though you're choosing between two melons to buy.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Sylverdawn)

Post #: 14

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:22:31 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

Actually, I'd say just be honest. When you are discussing meeting a dominant or are in the exploration stage, just say "I want you to know that I have my profile showing looking and may correspond with other dominants. If you decide that you want my sole and undivided attention, please tell me."

It's not fair to have a double standard. I think it's kind of unreasonable to expect undivided attention and fidelity -- i.e., the components of a committed relationship -- at the "testing the waters" stage of dating or applying. Honesty, however, is a HUGE plus in my book at every stage of the relationship.

So long as you are clear and honest, saying that you are continuing to be open to possibilities while you see if you and Domme A are a good match and if she will want your service does not seem to be an unreasonable step to me.Once the relationship has moved to actual in-person meetings, I'd tend to advise putting other exploration on-hold and focusing on the dominant you are with. That's for you as much as her, because you need to know if this relationship has chemistry, if it has potential to grow, if it meets your real needs.

(in reply to KneelsANDYields)

Post #: 15

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:26:05 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

-FR-

Dating is different from sleeping around - it's hard to decide after one date if you want to commit to someone or not. Personally (and this is only me) I think it would be tacky if someone mentioned "by the way this coffee thing? This isn't a committed relationship. I'm still going to have coffee and meet other women until I specifically say I'm committed to you." Really is there any good way of saying that? If you're at the getting to know you dating stage with more than one person, it takes a certain level of class and discretion to be able to give your full attention to the person you're with at that time and not make them feel like they're just one possible option. If you're able to do that, there's no problem.

I'm the type of person who, due to the fact that (when I was single) I was looking for a committed relationship, would ask after the 3rd date or so where the relationship was heading. And really there's no good way of asking that either, but it seems less presumptuous to ask the status rather than to inform the status on the first date.

So basically to answer the OP's question there is nothing wrong (IMO) with talking to two women at the same time, provided that if you're genuinely interested or not interested in one, you make the decision as soon as you're able to rather than string her along either way. And I wouldn't volunteer that you were seeing other people (unless it's a sexual relationship or even a BDSM-only relationship) but obviously be honest if one of them asks.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:37:46 AM

kttqnp

Posts: 118
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds as though the OP is more interested in Domme #2 and is looking for validation to start wooing her in case Domme #1 doesn't work out. Doesn't sound too flattering to Domme #1, and I doubt she's be amenable if she knew about it. I'm also assuming that neither woman knows about the other, or the question would be moot. I think the OP knows the answer to his question also. If he felt comfortable with the situation, he wouldn't be asking.

(in reply to KneelsANDYields)

Post #: 17

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 6:49:36 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kttqnp

Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but it sounds as though the OP is more interested in Domme #2 and is looking for validation to start wooing her in case Domme #1 doesn't work out. Doesn't sound too flattering to Domme #1, and I doubt she's be amenable if she knew about it. I'm also assuming that neither woman knows about the other, or the question would be moot. I think the OP knows the answer to his question also. If he felt comfortable with the situation, he wouldn't be asking.

I'm not so sure about that last part, I remember when we went to my fiance's parents for the first time I was asking him "is it okay if I do this" even though I was perfectly fine with doing it at home...because I was worried about *their* response, and tailoring my behaviour to fit that.

It sounds like he's new to BDSM dating and is just wondering if there's a standard dating protocol...hell plenty of vanilla people wonder if there's a standard dating protocol! It seemed he's more worried about how the Domme would react to it than his own feelings about whether it's okay.

(in reply to kttqnp)

Post #: 18

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 2:28:18 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince

I have a question for those Dommes who take offense. Does it work the other way? If you had plans to meet a sub, would you hold off on chatting with other subs or at least disclose that you are? Personally, I see nothing wrong with a sub exploring with several Dommes unless there is an agreement otherwise. And if I agreed to forgo other Dommes, I would expect her to behave similarly.

Gentlemanprince,
As a fellow sub, my expectation would be the exact opposite. i always assume that a Domme is free to see as many subs as She pleases, regardless of whether Her profile says that She is poly.

My standard assumption is that She is going to expect monogamy from me, while She reserves the right to be poly if She so chooses. While that is not always the case, i have found that it is the safest assumption to operate from, even in the early stages.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 11/1/2009 2:33:26 PM >

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

Post #: 19

RE: When do I stop inquiring about Dommes? - 11/1/2009 2:34:58 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

As far as it going both ways, The Man and I had this discussion prior to meeting when we were talking a lot. He wanted to know if I was focusing on him or still looking and he volunteered that he also wasn't looking because he thought we had a lot of potential and wanted to focus on this.

But I view this way of looking at things as neither right nor wrong in general, simply what's right or wrong for me. Plus it's just another thing that shows compatibility or not.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 20

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