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submissive in an open relationship - 11/1/2009 9:19:21 PM

lucylucy

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Most of my relationships have been open, in which my partner and I agreed that either of us could take other lovers. I’ve never participated in swinging or poly situations. In all of my relationships, I was the one who suggested having an open relationship. (All of my relationships up until now have been vanilla.)

I have been in a D/s relationship now for about 7-8 months. I suggested early on to my boyfriend that we have an open relationship, which he agreed to. It became clear to me soon after suggesting it, though, that I will not take another lover. This is a new feeling for me, and I can only attribute it to the D/s dynamic. The only scenario in which being with another lover appeals to me is with my boyfriend present; that way I can feel as if being with someone else is part of my submission.

I’m curious if any other submissives have experience with open relationships (not swinging or poly) and whether you have other lovers. And if you do, how do you reconcile that with being submissive to your Dom?

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/1/2009 9:41:15 PM

Hierodule

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I can be with anyone I want, in theory, but Master has to approve of them. Actually, I went on a date last night. Master picked out my outfit and wished me well. I am his little girl too, after all

. Plus this boy invited me to a concert that I really wanted to go to that Master would not enjoy.

He lays out ground rules. He insists they pay, no dutch.Generally no sex unless he is present but he allows oral if I really like the guy and want to take it further. Sometimes he requires a conversation with them if its going to go that far. So for me, dating is an act of submission to my Master.

I know this wouldn't work for everyone but its perfect for me. I was a little trampy and out of control before I was owned. I had a hard time saying "no" (big surprise) Now I feel like he is there with me, protecting me. Its easy for me to say no to something if I don't have permission to do it. And as his prized possession, I feel my worth. A worth I always had, but for some reason never acknowledged until he made me see it.

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 7:05:33 AM

OsideGirl

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We have a semi-open relationship. The deal is that nothing happens without the other knowing and approving.

I'm geared more towards women than men, so I've not had another male play partner, but I have been with female.

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 7:23:24 AM

antipode

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quote:

This is a new feeling for me, and I can only attribute it to the D/s dynamic.

That's a bit of an assumption, methinks - could be true, but perhaps you are really in love this time, or perhaps this is a more intense relationship than previous ones, where the D/s could be consequential, rather than the cause. All I am saying is: keep an open mind.

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 7:35:34 AM

Lucienne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

I’m curious if any other submissives have experience with open relationships (not swinging or poly) and whether you have other lovers. And if you do, how do you reconcile that with being submissive to your Dom?

Oh, the many words I could type. I hesitate to answer your question because I feel like you're asking for healthy ways to reconcile these things. But then I think sharing my unhealthy story might be instructive as well.

I was in an open relationship with a man who had quite a sense of ownership of me, a sense that I submitted to to varying degrees during our time together. The openness of our relationship came about because it was clear to me that if I insisted on monogamy, he would go out and have sex with other women just to prove that he could. As long as his right to have sex with whomever he wanted was not challenged, he rarely felt the need to exercise that right with other women. (Yes, this was an epic mind fuck sort of relationship).

On my end of things, the first time I had sex with another was about 8 months in and I did so very consciously to prove to myself that I could because I felt overwhelmed by my partner. So it was an act contrary to, not reconciled with, my submission. As the relationship went on, my partner became pretty stingy about sex and I would have sex with others to satisfy my needs. This was actually supportive of my submission to my partner, because if I'd stayed monogamous, I would've dumped his ass out of sheer sexual frustration.

So, I guess the short answer is that my partner felt like he owned my ass regardless of what I did and he would never admit that my having sex with others bothered him so I was, technically, never acting contrary to his expressed wishes on the matter. Emotionally, other lovers were sometimes a shield to intimacy with my partner, but in the long run other lovers were actually a crutch that kept a bad relationship hobbling along longer that it should have.

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 2:45:52 PM

lucylucy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

This is a new feeling for me, and I can only attribute it to the D/s dynamic.

That's a bit of an assumption, methinks - could be true, but perhaps you are really in love this time, or perhaps this is a more intense relationship than previous ones, where the D/s could be consequential, rather than the cause. All I am saying is: keep an open mind.

Point taken.

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“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 3:23:58 PM

DavanKael

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Interesting question. Hard for me to gage based on personal experience. My marriage allowed poly as a potential. I most definitely can be joyous in a monoamous situation. I don't often hit a question on the boards that causes me the need to ruminate further but this one has succeeded in doing that...I am pondering if it's dynamics or the depth of devotion (Which, in most cases, has gone alone with getting my needs met as well as my other having their needs met)...I suspect all of the above.
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 11/2/2009 3:24:58 PM >

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RE: submissive in an open relationship - 11/2/2009 5:19:33 PM

catize

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quote:

I’m curious if any other submissives have experience with open relationships (not swinging or poly) and whether you have other lovers. And if you do, how do you reconcile that with being submissive to your Dom?

I have an open relationship with 2 dominant men. They know about each other but have never met. We all are free to pursue other relationships, and nobody needs anyone else's permission. Sometimes we tell each other about meeting someone new, other times we don't.
I am at a point in my life (euphemism for 'I am getting older' ha ha) where I am pretty content with these two men in my life and do not actively look for others. There are occasions when someone from my past wants to get together and if we can work out our schedules, we meet.
If someone new contacts me, I tell them I am not looking for a monogamous relationship and why. Many times they lose interest after that, which is fine. A few have continued to be interested. Once we have met I find I compare them to what I already have and they seldom measure up, so it doesn't usually last past a first meeting.
I don't have to reconcile anything. I am submissive to both R. and S. when I am with them and when I communicate with them. But they have no desire to have one full time submissive; so when we are apart I am free to do what I want. It has worked well for us for a number of years.

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