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Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 3:20:44 PM   
BeginUpstairs


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/5/2009
Status: offline 		Okay, first a very brief background on me.

I have been on & off involved in D/s for about 7 years, both online and R/T.  I would describe myself as more "traditional" in the sense that I take seriously the more traditional foundations and guidelines of D/s - as opposed to a more contemporary "it's whatever you want it to be" point-of-view. I feel like there are some basic tenets that should apply in most (if not all) situations.

Okay - the situation:

I have been in dialog with a young lady online. This dialog was not started with the intent to explore a D/s relationship, in fact I was not even aware of her interest in being a sub, and the site on which we met was not a BDSM site.

After a few chats, she began to describe her current (sexual) relationship with a married couple.  She has only known them for five weeks. She described some behavior that sounded rather insecure & possessive (on their part) and I said as much ... but I also didn't really know the details & particulars, so I didn't feel it was my place to press too hard.

A few more chats, and she related more and more behaviors (from the husband) that would only apply in a PE, D/s sort of situation. The husband insists that she not see anyone without permission, refers to her as belonging to him, etc. All of this would be fine but for the fact that this poor girl has no clue about any legitimate D/s guidelines, and I am concerned that she is putting herself at risk.  They haven't discussed limits, rights, safety ... anything, really other than what this guy WANTS.

The worst was when she told me this guy had "collared her" ... but she really doesn't even know what it means or implies. To make matters worse, he took this step by placing a locking collar on her during a time when she was admittedly drunk, and she basically told me he tricked her into it. His language when they are together (as relayed by her) sounds like that of an insecure, un-informed phony. 

The fact that this girl has basically been conned into all this without really understanding or genuinely consenting to it really ticks me off. I don't really have much of a "stake" in the situation. Other than the fact that she is an online friend, and I am concerned that she is endangering the relational health of THREE people. (Remember this guy is married, and it is not clear that his wife is really taking an informed role in the situation.)

As I was discussing this with her, she indicated she would be open to hearing what some more experienced D/s people would have to say ... thus I am posting here.

My question:

Am I over-reacting when I feel like this is a ridiculous situation and that this guy is either:  A) Just clueless and possessive, or B) Knows what he is doing and is taking horribly unfair advantage of someone who doesn't know any better?

I would really appreciate hearing some third-party opinions on the matter.

Thanks!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 3:25:58 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Is she over the age of 18? If so then she is an adult and should take responsibility for herself.
If she wants the collar off, then remove it with bolt cutters if she has to. If she wants to know more about the lifestyle then it's up to her to investigate and learn what's right for her.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 5:23:31 PM   
Nightbird02


Posts: 24
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline 		You didn't really mention the girl's feelings about this, does she want to get out of the relationship, or is she ok with what is going on but just wants to know more? From your description it sounds like the husband is just taking advantage of her, but since this is an opinion based on an opinion...well, it's like a game of Telephone.

The most you can do is just tell her your opinion. Whether she listens to you or not is her own choice. Like Aileen said in the post above me, she (hopefully) is an adult and should take responsibility for her own person. Point her towards some BDSM sites and let her judge for herself. But be cautious too; from your description of the husband's possessiveness (whether real or as a so-called "Dom") could also be potentially dangerous.


Edit: Whoops, didn't realize this was in the "Ask a Master" section till after I hit OK. Sowwie...

< Message edited by Nightbird02 -- 11/3/2009 5:25:46 PM >

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 5:25:20 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		direct her to this site, we wll tell her, you stay out of it.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 7:05:37 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Ron is right. It's hard to give advice, even when the person involved in the relationship is posting. Getting secondhand info from someone who doesn't know the parties involved makes it nearly impossible. Encourage the young lady to join here and spend time reading the boards. If she has questions or wants opinions, all she has to do is ask.

ETA- Don't worry about it, Nightbird. Anyone can post in any forum on the boards here, so feel free to comment on any thread you like.


< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 11/3/2009 7:07:00 PM >

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 8:16:45 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Am I over-reacting when I feel like this is a ridiculous situation and that this guy is


If you are going to try and help a person, tell her to get on her PC and come here and ask her own questions. Third party re-interpreted and relayed "advice" does not work. Other than that, I don't think you should meddle in other people's relationships, especially since you have only limited and one-sided information. You also cannot properly assess another person if you can't see their lips move.

(in reply to BeginUpstairs)
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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/3/2009 8:47:35 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		If she was collared by someone as possessive and controlling as she is describing, I can't see them allowing her to chat with men unsupervised.  I suspect you're falling for a line of BS online, and you wouldn't be the first to do it.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 4:22:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Give her a list of books to read, websites such as here, bondage.com. and fetlife.com to read and ask questions. The impact will be much higher if it comes from a group of people who don't have a pony in this race.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 4:29:21 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		are you sure she isn't 'playing' you?

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 5:57:06 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
are you sure she isn't 'playing' you?


That was my first thought as well.

But if she is not playing you, then i agree with what others have said.  Direct her to this website and others like it.  Encourage her to read the message boards, and to perhaps even ask a question of her own if she feels comfortable doing so.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 6:17:48 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		In My opinion, it isn't really any of your business.

Sure, tell her about this site, or Fet, or suggest some titles out of that wonderful booklist that Resident Sadist was good enough to post or the one in MasterFireMaam's signature line.  Other than that, if you have no stake in the situation, that means you have no power in it either.


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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 6:53:41 AM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with the sentiments many others shared. From your description, this completely innocent girl is swept up in a wave of scary and unknowable D/s!! However, if the girl has the wherewithal to use chat programs, she certainly has access to wikipedia and can google "BDSM" the same as the rest of us. The fact that she's been talking about it with you suggests she at least has some inklings of what is going on. If she remains in that situations, then that's her own, probably informed choice. Of course, voluntary ignorance is a choice as well: this whole kinky thing is a lot more exciting when you have no idea what's really going on and can live more fully in your fantasy world.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 10:43:29 AM   
BeginUpstairs


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/5/2009
Status: offline 		Hey, everyone!

Thanks for all of the thoughts & input.

A few brief replies -

- I agree she could be trying to "play" me, although I'm not sure to what end. Other than a little bit of chat here & there we don't have any "relationship" nor any involvement in each other's lives ... so I'm not sure what she would be getting out of that - but you could be right. (And yes, it has occurred to me.)

- Just so it is clear, I am not in any way attempting to "meddle" in her life or choices. She *asked* for my thoughts,opinions, and advice, and she also requested that I pose the question to others. You are right as well that she can do her own research - and I have suggested that to her.

- The bottom line is that I simply don't like to see people taken advantage of, especially if they are in a position of being under-informed. She just seems like a nice person, and I thought I'd make an attempt to share some advice with her. It is entirely up to her what she does with it. Of course, the phrase "no good deed goes un-punished" comes to mind ... ha, ha!

Thanks again, everyone!

(in reply to ExKat)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 4:28:48 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeginUpstairs

Hey, everyone!

Thanks for all of the thoughts & input.

A few brief replies -

- I agree she could be trying to "play" me, although I'm not sure to what end. Other than a little bit of chat here & there we don't have any "relationship" nor any involvement in each other's lives ... so I'm not sure what she would be getting out of that - but you could be right. (And yes, it has occurred to me.)

- Just so it is clear, I am not in any way attempting to "meddle" in her life or choices. She *asked* for my thoughts,opinions, and advice, and she also requested that I pose the question to others. You are right as well that she can do her own research - and I have suggested that to her.

- The bottom line is that I simply don't like to see people taken advantage of, especially if they are in a position of being under-informed. She just seems like a nice person, and I thought I'd make an attempt to share some advice with her. It is entirely up to her what she does with it. Of course, the phrase "no good deed goes un-punished" comes to mind ... ha, ha!

Thanks again, everyone!



The simple answer is if you're "nice enough" to meddle, "nice enough" to worry, "nice enough" to bring her information that as someone else pointed out she should be able to get on her own if' she's somehow able to IM with you while owned by this posessive guy...then you'll be "nice enough" to send her money or help to "escape this horrible situation" maybe even volunteer to be her big protector to your financial detriment.
Smells like you're getting played.

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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 5:48:54 PM   
SirRussellP


Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline 		I would warn her and briefly explain why, then direct her to books and sites as has been offered above.

I do think this is probably at best a fantasy on her part but it could happen.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/4/2009 11:44:41 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Why are you getting involved??  Perhaps your a drama queen.  Feels like im back in High school.  Do yourself a favor and grow up geeze.

BadOne


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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/5/2009 12:08:46 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeginUpstairs

- The bottom line is that I simply don't like to see people taken advantage of...

"Manipulation" is a phantom accusation. People in these sort of situations are volunteers, not victims.


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RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/5/2009 3:15:25 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeginUpstairs

- The bottom line is that I simply don't like to see people taken advantage of...

"Manipulation" is a phantom accusation. People in these sort of situations are volunteers, not victims.



and who is being 'manipulated' at all?
her playing her game... or him asking advise... or everybody who responded here?
We are all volunteers in this game, ain't we?

... even you reading this now, yes you... spending this tiny bit of your time on this...

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice for a friend ... really! - 11/5/2009 2:20:03 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		This smacks more of YOU pissing about because you want her and CAN'T have her... stay the fuck out of others' personal lives and go find your own sub/slave.



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Profile   Post #: 19
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