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random jokes and standup quotes - 11/6/2009 6:12:08 PM

seany

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Joined: 10/23/2009
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/6/2009 11:23:01 PM

Termyn8or

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"Do you hear voices ?"
"Yes".
"What do they say to you ?".
"Well the last one asked if I hear voices and what they said to me".
"AAAAAArrrrrgggghhhh".

T

(in reply to seany)

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/7/2009 12:13:04 AM

Rastimmipitwax

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Joined: 6/25/2007
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Four cows are standing in a field, a momma cow and three calves.

First calf says, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"

Momma says, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal floated down and landed on your head."

Second calf says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

Momma says, "Because when you were born, a rose petal floated down and landed on your head."

Third calf says, "HBHWVBDAJGFB#WFBSVDDWTH"

Momma says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

(in reply to Termyn8or)

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/7/2009 12:24:49 AM

MadameMarque

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Last night, I had a typical cholesterol-free dinner: baked squash, skimmed milk, and gelatin. I'm sure this will not make me live any longer, but I know it's going to seem longer.

- Groucho Marx, from Memoirs of a Mangy Lover

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/7/2009 10:41:02 AM

hejira92

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Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
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"Do you have a flag?"

(well, you said RANDOM. And, if you get it, you're laughing right now!)

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/7/2009 10:44:52 AM

dcnovice

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quote:

"Do you have a flag?"

Love him!

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

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RE: random jokes and standup quotes - 11/7/2009 10:53:16 AM

Passion8Kisser

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Joined: 10/5/2009
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What's the dirtiest joke you've ever heard?

A white cow jumped in a mud puddle...

I got one better, nothing like Grandma's telling their grandkids dirty jokes;
Something like this: Three women were talking about playing the slots. I pulled the lever and won $300. The first one said. The second one says, "I pulled the lever and won $20." The third one; perhaps she was 'blonde' says "I pulled the lever and got lotion on my hands.*

the funny hits you when you realize she wasn't pulling a lever but on someone's cock; and the lotion was nothing short of the guy's cum.

(in reply to dcnovice)

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