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NihilusZero -> RE: Getting lost (11/10/2009 2:40:43 PM)
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ORIGINAL: ragdoll67
Thank you most especially to Nihilus Zero.
You're welcome. I'm glad I can be of any assistance. [:)]
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ORIGINAL: ragdoll67
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How do i find some pleasure in life that is not dependent on him?
Maybe you should find out if that's what he'd want at all. I, for instance, would not be content with that sort of an
arrangement.
Well, put that way, it didn't sound quite right. I have no intention, or even ability, to go outward and seek
pleasure. But I would like to be able to feel some pleasure in myself that is not dependent on his reinforcement.
Like I said somewhere, it isn't that he forbids me to be affectionate, etc. He is just a rather forbidding person,
demeanor wise. He doesn't always respond negatively to my attempts to be playful or affectionate or spontaneous, he just doesn't respond much at all. I perceive that as an inhibitor and being me, make efforts to suit his tastes as I
perceive them.
I think I phrased my point poorly in this instance.
What I meant was, I would not be content in a situation where I was keeping someone who had the sense of needing to castrate certain parts of themselves if it was so innately emotionally important. I can understand the hardship of being in a good relationship that you don't want to lose...while still realizing that it may not be the best things for all parties involved. From my perspective, as a dominant, I would place the responsibility of having my partner's best emotional interests in mind and, though no one ever wants to have to be at that crossroads, I would need to determine if choosing to part ways isn't the best way to go forward. But, I can be very analytical and absorbingly empathic in my own way, so the thought of falling asleep with someone tormented by being where she is because of what it entails, even if I knew she was willingly doing so out of her desire to be with me...would still give me pause.
I can't say if I would or wouldn't choose one path or the other, in that case, without actually being in the situation. But, what I meant by all this is that I don't think his natural demeanor genuinely affects what you mean to him and his concern over you and that he might have his own concerns about, not only your state and if you can capable morph, but whether you should.
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ORIGINAL: ragdoll67
Okay,one example. An old friend of mine recently asked that I do something for her to help her solve a problem
somewhat, but not entirely, of her own making. I have always done things for her. Yes, it's enabling, and it imposed
quite a bit of inconvenience on several people's parts, but there was a genuine need for assistance. Before, I would
have done it without a second thought (okay, maybe a grumble on my way out the door), but she needed me and I would be there for her, no question and no thanks sought. Now...I felt put-upon. I felt she should be able to solve her
own damn problems and she had no business doing xyz in the first place. This is all my master's voice in my head.
Yes, he allowed me to help her. He isn't cruel. But I didn't feel kind, or friend-ish, or loving or sympathetic
towards her. I merely felt obligated. I don't think that's a very nice person. Not very loveable.
This is one of the very difficult underlying parts of morphing such a big facet of your being: you can do it on the surface easily (your actions) but you still have the emotional value system inside that categorizes how you acted as less than ideally noble. There isn't a right or wrong answer to these issues, really. It could just as easily be argued that your "tough love" towards her in being critical is just as much an indication of care as buckling entirely to her requests.
If you do decide to go forward with the re-wiring, you're going to have to be able to give yourself a lot of leeway when it comes to how self-critical you will be because you are, essentially, building a brand new critique system.
I hope things have been settling a bit less stressfully for you.
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