Looking for advice

Looking for advice (Full Version)

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danlob45106 -> Looking for advice (11/9/2009 10:59:26 AM)
Hello. I am new to the lifestyle. I aspire to be Dom. However, it was suggested that I ebegin by experiencing life as a sub (so I can appreciate what the sub goes through). I thought that it was a good suggestion. I believe that the Fem Domme that guides me could also be a Mentor. How does everybody feel about this.... is this a good way to start???

RCdc -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 11:01:55 AM)
It's not an issue if you have a mentor, unless that mentor is using you to get their rocks off or just for sex. Otherwise, it's all good. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket... everyone can be a good mentor and teacher, so don't restrict your learning methods. the.dark.

mnottertail -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 11:03:11 AM)
good a place as any to start, I am a believer in (if you got them near you) real time interaction at munches and clubs, and also some book learning, it all helps. www. darkdesyre. com

aldompdx -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 11:12:42 AM)
It all depends upon whether you merely want to play a role, or manfest who you really are within. As Plato quoted Socrates, "First know thyself."

danlob45106 -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 11:36:20 AM)
I am most certainly Dom. I know this. I simply want to discover an appreciation for the sub point of view.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 12:06:40 PM)
Yep! Great idea! Just a few things to remember, that all tie in together: As a dom you'll have your own style, needs and desires. So don't take your dom mentor's words as gospel- she'll have her own style, and her own turn-ons... As with your own future sub, communication with your dom is critical. There's no need to do a bunch of stuff that's not working for you. If it doesn't get you off, communicate so you can move forward. Keep in mind that it may be something as small as a minor adjustment, that will take an activity from yucky to yummy for you. So be open to, and ask for, minor adjustments. But if you just really are not enjoying an activity at all, there's no need to experience it just for the sake of having the experience. Your future sub may adore something that you (as a sub) despise. And as a dom, you may love dishing out what you yourself weren't interested in taking- or couldn't take, as a sub. As a sub you may want different things than the kind of dom that you would be, could actually give. Does that make sense? In other words: When subbing, or when domming, you may like things that when you switch, you have little to no interest in experiencing from the opposite perspective. For example: When I was slave, I was a huge pain slut for whipping. Loved it, and willingly endured long, harsh beatings for the sheer joy of submission to my worthy dom. I asked for it. I begged for it. So much so, that there were times one might have considered him my service dom- except that he loved it so much too! But when I turned domme a few years ago, I immediately set out to be the kind of domme that dishes out little to no real pain. As a domme, control and humiliation are my kinks. These can be accomplished quite well, without me putting my slaveboy in the kind of pain that as a sub, I'd craved. HAVE FUN!!! Dominance is not about being domineering, and submission is not about suffering. Domming isn't about being a jerk, and subbing isn't about being a doormat. If you and your partner can't laugh and have fun together from whatever side of the kneel you're on, you're doing it wrong. ;o) Edited for format.

RCdc -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 12:24:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: danlob45106 I am most certainly Dom. I know this. I simply want to discover an appreciation for the sub point of view. You cannot learn to appriciate for the sub pov by doing that, you can only appriciate what your response and POV will be. If you are going to be looking for a female s-type, it will be totally different again. Having a mentor or various mentors can be cool, but not to experience submission so you can be a groovier dominant. It doesn't work like that. the.dark.

lovingpet -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 12:24:51 PM)
It can be one of many different paths. One thing about it though, I doubt you will experience the things the dominant does with/to you the same way an actual submissive would. Your pursuit is purely academic. For a submissive, these things are meeting very special needs. Those are vastly different perspectives. It would be like a submissive trying to top for a bit to get an appreciation of the dominant position. The same act that brings you a thrill and even joy, will often be difficult and unpleasant for a sub to do to another person, even if they like that done to them as a sub. Also, and this is the switch experience talking, don't assume that what you loved or hated in the submissive position will be the same for your partner when you have one. Also, do realize hated activities can still remain part of the menu for play depending on the temperament of the submissive and the level of submission, length of time, and trust he/she has with you. Like I said, it is one way, but certainly not the only way. lovingpet

AnimusRex -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 12:43:04 PM)
What if vanilla people thought this way? You cannot be a heterosexual male without first understanding what it is like to be woman. If you want to have a woman, you must first wear a dress, makeup, heels and learn to suck cock, and get sodomized. This will teach you how it feels from the woman's point of view. Dominant means two things; one is the role a person plays during a session; the other is the personality type one takes during a relationship. As to the first, if you submit to being cropped, your big revelation will be that......it hurts. Do you then understand what a painslut feels like, and understand her psyche? Hell no. Your understanding is from the viewpoint of a man who isn't into pain, not from the viewpoint of a woman who craves pain. As to the second, you can submit to a person saying, "fetch me a drink" and your revelation will be....this bites, stepnfetchit yourself! Again, you are not ever going to get a sense of someone who gets a thrill out of serving and pleasing another. If you enjoy dominating women, just work on being a good man, and find a woman who enjoys serving men- they are plentiful, and many would love to have a sincere guy, even if he is new to this. If you want to become adept at BDSM play, then attend munches and demos, and find a girl who will work with a novice flogger or spanker. Again, plenty of women would enjoy that. I just wouldn't hold out hope that getting spanked is going to give you any great insight into the female submissive mind.

lovingpet -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 12:48:38 PM)
You said it better than I did Animus. Thanks! lovingpet

NihilusZero -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 1:02:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark You cannot learn to appriciate for the sub pov by doing that, you can only appriciate what your response and POV will be. If you are going to be looking for a female s-type, it will be totally different again. [:D] Perhaps he should consider a temporary sex change in order to better empathize with being a female submissive?

NihilusZero -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 1:03:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex What if vanilla people thought this way? Damn. You beat me to it. [8D][:D]

sunshinemiss -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 1:06:53 PM)
Hello Dan lob, While I don't think it is NECESSARY to do what you are doing, it certainly can't hurt. You might find out something interesting about yourself. I don't need to receive CPR in order to teach it. Going through some of the motions to get a different type of perspective is not unheard of. Fake it till you make it is a common tenet of AA and there are certainly plenty of behavioral techniques that teach us how from the outside in. Nothing wrong with that. I often tell folks, we don't know who we are unless we know who we aren't. Sounds like that kind of experience. And have fun!

DesFIP -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 1:57:49 PM)
I wouldn't look for a female mentor. I would look for a male. Unless you don't mean a mentor, someone to bounce ideas off of, but instead someone to have sex with. Anybody competent can use a flogger on you so you know how it feels to you. Which doesn't mean it will feel like that to someone else. He has a higher pain tolerance than I do so he can't say that just because he tried a clothespin on his nipple and he didn't start crying, that I have no reason to. Beyond that, you won't get warm fuzzies at producing a mentor's favorite breakfast when he/she sleeps late on a weekend since you aren't emotionally involved with him/her. Someone who loves you will feel like that. Of course if this is just a sneaky way to try to find a domme, I take it all back.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 2:01:38 PM)
quote: ...Perhaps he should consider a temporary sex change in order to better empathize with being a female submissive?... wholeheartedly agree!!! ...and 100 points!!![:)]

abuddingdom -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 4:14:44 PM)
My first thought was that you find a mentor, too, make or female. I know at least one Domme with whom I could go that route. I also know Domme's who started as subs. Knowing them well as they are but not having known them as they were, I can't see it, but that's where they came from. But they evolved into what they are from what they were, you're talking something else. I don't feel that you need to learn to submit in order to learn to dominate, you need to learn to dominate and the only way you will learn that is by experience. That can happen either by connecting with someone who's willing to submit to you and be patient with you, or find someone experienced who can mentor you. When you say you "know" you're " most certainly Dom", what does that mean? What does the word itself mean to you, and if you lnow you are that, what do you mean by that?

MaamJay -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 5:04:23 PM)
As someone who is both sub and Domme, I agree with nearly all the views here, even when they appear to conflict! I agree that yours will never be the SAME experience as a female submissive's ... and you won't get fully into the mindset of one by subbing yourself. Neither will you necessarily know how stingy an implement is for her even if you received it yourself. However, having said all that, I do think there is SOMETHING to be gained from the experience of subbing (or more accurately in your case from your description, you will be bottoming). I think the main thing you will learn, and learn in a very visceral way, is how it feels to NOT BE IN CONTROL. That excitement mixed with fear, that "oh oh, what WILL He/She do next?" is a very valuable experience. Even if a sub craves to hand over control, there is still that concern about whether this is the right person to hand it to the first time. If that is all you learn, I still think that is useful. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

frazzle -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 5:23:33 PM)
kind of agree to all the above. He has tried most implements He uses on me. But as he says, the way we react to them is totally different. he was ready to kill, while im begging to orgasm. So how much use you (the OP) would get from subbing first, is very debatable.

windchymes -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 5:27:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark You cannot learn to appriciate for the sub pov by doing that, you can only appriciate what your response and POV will be. If you are going to be looking for a female s-type, it will be totally different again. [:D] Perhaps he should consider a temporary sex change in order to better empathize with being a female submissive? And not only that, have a MALE Dom, none of this namby-pamby femme domme stuff! [:D]

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Looking for advice (11/9/2009 5:30:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: danlob45106 Hello. I am new to the lifestyle. I aspire to be Dom. However, it was suggested that I ebegin by experiencing life as a sub (so I can appreciate what the sub goes through). I thought that it was a good suggestion. I believe that the Fem Domme that guides me could also be a Mentor. How does everybody feel about this.... is this a good way to start??? How the fuck does that work? If you aren't sub....how can you experience being a sub? WTF??????

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