Looking for advice on day after

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northernsiren -> Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 2:28:13 PM)
I am happy to be in my first explicitly defined D/S relationship. When I am with Him, things are wonderful, we connect on many different levels, and enjoy a bond that is greater than the sum of it's parts. My problem comes from when we are not together. Unfortunately, like many, I am unemployed. He is a graduate student at an ivy league school, and thus very busy. Other than applying for jobs and trying not to spend money, I have little to occupy my day. I read, I write, I draw, I talk online to ppl, but there's still a great deal of time when I find myself wanting more of His attention. I know if I had a job myself, I would not have TIME for more attention than He gives me. I email Him each morning when I get up, and usually He has something for me to do each day, simple, pleasurable, etc. I find these feelings are worse the day after we spend time together. I go from feeling on top of the world and wonderfully possessed by someone I love, to empty and lonely. I see Him on average 3x a week overnight, which is so much more than many have, but greedy me still isn't happy. I've taken to journaling to help focus and center myself from all the thoughts in my head but I'm wondering if there's more. I'm wondering if others experience this, and have developed coping skills, or whether there's just something wrong with me :( Many thanks for kind replies...

howahkan -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 3:55:39 PM)
Hello northernsiren. Since I don't know you i tried to look at your profile, "Profile Not Found" the system tells me. You sound pretty normal to me. You sound like a young person in love, congratulations. Between my current relationship and the one before it I spent five years alone. Trust me, there are no coping skills. Loneliness is everything it's cracked-up to be, It sucks. The only thing that helped me was reading. Get yourself a library card or a subscription to the local newspaper and expand your mind with useful information. Again, congratulations on your new relationship...

frazzle -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 4:58:43 PM)
We see each other every 2 weeks, but talk most days on the phone. more if its needed. To try and get me off the computer, i run an online businees, so seem to him, to be permanently attched to it. I am now reading up on aromatherapy, something that will in the end hopefully benefit both of us. Ok i admit was given reflexology as an alternate, but my dislike of feet, threw that in the bin.

lucylucy -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 6:49:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: howahkan Trust me, there are no coping skills. Loneliness is everything it's cracked-up to be, It sucks. The only thing that helped me was reading. Get yourself a library card or a subscription to the local newspaper and expand your mind with useful information. I want to second what howahkan said. Loneliness sucks and you can't change that, but you can distract yourself from it. Keep busy. Howahkan's suggestion about reading and expanding your mind is a good one. Depending on your financial situation, you could take cooking classes or learn a new hobby or sport. Find out when the museums and cultural attractions in your area have free days and start going. I see my boyfriend about the same amount as you see your significant other. I do have a job and a child, both of which keep me plenty busy, but still, I get lonely. Working out is a great distraction for me and a little healthier than surfing the Internet or watching TV. Good luck.

DarkSteven -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 7:07:19 PM)
A possible solution is to have him task you with research assignments. If there are things he needs to know more about, you spend time researching those topics. He gets work done, you get to serve him, and you burn up some of your idle time.

PainfullyCurious -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/9/2009 7:09:35 PM)
You're normal. Anything I suggested would just fall under the category of ways to cope- to distract- to stay busy. You've already aknowledged you know that's what you need to do for right now. I will give one piece of info that may help you stay busy. If you are on unemployment, and you are worried about taking a job that is less-than what you made before, you may not have to worry about losing your unemployment benefits. In most states, while you get an amount of money that equals roughly 6 months of unemployment benefits, you actually have a full year to draw that money. Extensions drag it out even longer. So, if you wanted to take a PT job or seasonal job to get out of the house, you could still claim your benefits on the weeks where you don't earn any money or if you were earning less than what you would get from unemployment alone. Check your state's website.

Viridana -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/10/2009 11:31:45 AM)
FR Sorry about the unemployment. I do realize it is a tough situation, not only financially but also mentally. Having nothing to do for long periods of time can be very hard for one's mental health and I do encourage you to take active measures to keep it in good condition. A few suggestions for doing so (and which also make time pass for you) is excersizing, which as well releases endorphines that is the best biological anxiolytic and antidepressant you can get. As well I suggest you find a local charity/shelter/non-profit organisation of your choice and do some volunteer work. Not only will others benefit from it but you will get a sense of achievement, are able to set and work towards goals as well as you'll get some social company. I don't think your feelings are abnormal in the situation you are in. Just take care of yourself so you can take care of others :) good luck.

breatheasone -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/10/2009 12:54:55 PM)
i know exactly how you feel.

northernsiren -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/10/2009 2:51:45 PM)
I opened this today wincing, expecting to read I am a horrible insecure person not worthy of my Dom, and I feel very validated hearing I am not way off base feeling this way. howahkan: I apologize for the anonymous nature of my post; I met quite a few people online here and some were less than gracious or pleased at my decision to commit myself to one person. As a result, I have hidden my profile in the hopes of negating those reactions but I realize it makes me a bit of an enigma here. I'm a 33 yr old female sub now slave in Boston, MA. Many thanks for your congratulations; I am an avid reader, and have shelves full of books, usually I try to read one fiction and one nonfiction at any given time, and well, the kinky stuff is never too far from my nightstand either ;) frazzle: I'm actually working on learning some Reiki right now to help Him with some of His stress. Trying to put my idle hands and mind to some good for us both, as I love to be able to help Him in this special way. :) thank you for sharing! lucylucy: thank you, there are many wonderful cultural institutions in our city. I dislike going alone though, so it's limited. And I would LOVE to be able to engage with working out, I just hate it so, the only way I'd get disciplined enough to do that is if He told me to do it, and He would prefer I gain weight rather than lose, so that won't happen any time soon! DarkSteven: I do this all on my own actually, what He studies is so specialized, and my background gives me little in the way of contributing to the things that occupy Him, I have been giving myself a crash course in theories and philosophies of architecture, oye vey! I do take such pride from finding something valuable to share with Him to the point where He gets excited about it, it's worth the eye crossingly dense things I have to muddle my way through just to make him proud of me. :) PainfullyCurious: I've been unemployed for over a year. I had a part time job for a while, consulting but even that dried up recently. I've been considering going back to school and trying to wait out the economy while improving myself. It's an option, and I am just figuring out how to pay for it, always the big question :S Thank you for your advice! Viridana: Thank you for the encouragement, believe me, being that this is my first full time D/S relationship, and I don't know others in the lifestyle, it's very validating to hear that I'm not completely nuts for feeling this way. ah exercise, how I would love to love thee!!! breatheasone: thank you for chiming in, again it is so meaningful to know I am not alone... So grateful for a community of those who understand, I appreciate it!!!!

howahkan -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/11/2009 4:24:10 PM)
quote: northernsiren Wrote: I met quite a few people online here and some were less than gracious or pleased at my decision to commit myself to one person. As a result, I have hidden my profile in the hopes of negating those reactions but I realize it makes me a bit of an enigma here. I feel your pain. I posted a couple of threads and I was hacked to death. Some people turned everything I said up-side-down and beat me over the head with it. I refuse to be intimidated though, I will not let them win. Just my stubborn side I guess. Stay happy. I wish you all the best things in life... Howahkan

redwoodgirl -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/11/2009 7:40:42 PM)
derail: luv your sl pics howahkan!

VeeTee -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/11/2009 8:27:21 PM)
i was confused by this same feeling at first too. i felt very bad the day after. That is, until all the great folks here pointed out that i was just missing the one i cared about. It wasn't anything necessarily to do with the whole D/s thing. Which i actually loved...i was in a relationship! i missed him! How sweet is that, really?

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/11/2009 9:23:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven A possible solution is to have him task you with research assignments. If there are things he needs to know more about, you spend time researching those topics. He gets work done, you get to serve him, and you burn up some of your idle time. Exactly, thank you! [:)]

LPslittleclip -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 8:10:49 AM)
i am currentlt deployed to afganistain and wont get to see my wife or mistres for several more months. i try not to focus on the missing now part but focus on the pleased that will be in the future. i also keep busy working out and volentering. this may be good for you as well, as you are a bit shy you may want to connect with the local kink community and see ehat it has to offer with approval of course. think of how happy you will be when you get together again

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 8:56:08 AM)
Best wishes to you LPslittleclip, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be. Please return to your Mistress safely and soon! I talked with Sir last night about some of what I was feeling, and offered to be of more use to Him. I was pleased and gratified when He said He could use my help with research and editing His work. So today I don a cute plaid skirt, and make my way over to His University to work with Him in the library, a very happy girl. :) oh and this is the OP, with a new screen name. apologies for the confusion!

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 8:58:54 AM)
very sweet, and I suspect you are right. Also it is hard for me, having been in long term monogamous relationships for basically the last 11 years, to now go back to not living with someone, and having time apart from the one I love. I know I will get used to it, but it's hard not to gravitate towards that level of intimacy when that's all you've known for so long... This is OP by the way, with a new screen name!

angelikaJ -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 2:41:24 PM)
Volunteer somewhere? http://www.bostoncares.org/ http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?l=Boston+MA&k= http://volunteerboston.org/HTM/VolOps.shtml Also, sometimes different colleges/ universities put ads up on craigslist wanting volunteers for various studies; some of which will offer free pizza or a stipend.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 5:20:57 PM)
I actually wrote down a place that helps homeless children while I was on the T today, in part to great advice from folks here, yourself included!

angelikaJ -> RE: Looking for advice on day after (11/12/2009 6:14:17 PM)
Responding to the difficulty of the day after... That can be difficult. Establishing some kind of routine can be a good tool. Perhaps the two of you could devise one together. Also for me, I find journaling to be very helpful...which you are doing. I have a journal I write in every night and I also email him a play journal. Writing down the details can be a powerful way to feel the connection. I am glad you will be looking into ways to keep yourself busy and helping others is a great way to get out of oneself.

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