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Dealing with Nerves. - 11/9/2009 6:30:42 PM

caelestis

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So, due to some rather unfortunate recent circumstances I've moved down to texas recently. Now that things are just getting settled and I'm out on my own I would really like to get involved in a few groups, meet like-minded people, and hopefully make a few more friends. I'm going through a few changes regarding myself and how I regard all this, BDSM, D/s, etc and I believe it would be at the very least nice, if not helpful, to have someone around I can talk to these things about and not worry about them passing judgement, as I've had a few nilla friends do in the past.

Not only that, I'm curious about a ton of things. In all honesty my first and formost passion is learning, and I want to learn about all I can, from all views. I blame it on an over abundance of curiousity. A lot of things you just really can't learn by reading a webpage on it, or a book. There is no guideline to human reactions, and with some things you just need experiance and practice to be good at.

I've found a few groups in the south eastern part of Texas, mainly Houston, that look nice. I've been perusing a few forums, trying to get involved and slowly make my way to knowing a few people before I actually head to a munch. My main dilema is this... I am rediculously shy. I get tongue tied, nervous, and all around flustered around new people, much less an entire group of people who are older and more experienced. I figured I would ask around as to anyone elses experiences, tips or tricks for remaining calm, or just helping to settle the nerves.

Any and all advice is appreciated, thank you for your time!

< Message edited by caelestis -- 11/9/2009 6:32:27 PM >

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/9/2009 6:37:44 PM

MaamJay

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Contact the various groups and see if you can find out whether any of the people who regularly attend the munch are also members here or at Fetlife. If so, a few emails can be exchanged and arrangements made so you feel you "know" at least one or two people when you attend. And they will look out for you and introduce you around. If they are regulars on the message boards here for eg, you can search for their previous posts and get to know them so you have some common ground.

Even if they are not members of these groups, contacting the person who runs the munches and saying you are very shy will likely bring a warm response and a commitment to look out for you when you attend. This makes it so much easier to front up and settle in!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 9:06:59 AM

everhope

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hello caelestis!

asking for suggestions here is a first good step. you might try finding a submissive group in your area. i have started and participated in several submissive groups and we were/are very welcoming to any new members. i would like to think that this is common all over.

when i got my nerve up to attend my first munch, i was more than a bundle of nerves and i am not what i would call a shy person. i forced myself to put one step in front of the other and go to that first munch. i survived, so will you.
you have nothing to lose except your fears and that is a good thing!

may we all find our bliss.

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 10:09:37 AM

AnnaOfAramis

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Hi caelestis,

I'm also very shy. I just hate walking into a roomful of people I don't know. There are some good suggestions above. Maybe you could post on here somewhere to see if there are others who are in your area who you could get to know and then go as a group. Sometimes local groups run newbie events (not necessarily new to the lifestyle, but just new to the area), maybe there are some classes/lectures you could attend... they are usually low pressure and you can go and sit and listen and then get to know some of the people. Telephoning one of these organizations and telling them you'd like to attend a munch but don't want to go by yourself might help- maybe they will put you in touch with someone who can go with you. Volunteering might be a way to get to know people to. In the Boston area, I know people who volunteer for NELA and help out with set up and coat check for things like the fetish flea, classes, and stuff like that. Volunteering can be a low key way to meet people.

Good luck and courage!

anna

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 10:47:36 AM

LPslittleclip

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one thing that realy does help is how you breath. if you use your diaphram to breath it actualy calms you autonomic nervous system(thats the one that makes you want to run and hide) if you conciously belly breathe and inhale slowly using your nose this will help calm you nervs and make the event much better.

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 10:59:25 AM

kccuckoldmist

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Joined: 7/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

one thing that realy does help is how you breath. if you use your diaphram to breath it actualy calms you autonomic nervous system(thats the one that makes you want to run and hide) if you conciously belly breathe and inhale slowly using your nose this will help calm you nervs and make the event much better.

This is very good advice. Also for people with anxieties they are often taught to think their fear through in order to rationalize their thoughts that are spinning their anxieties out of control.

A simple thing to ask yourself over and over is a simple question “what is the worse thing that can really happen?” In effect venturing out to a local community pretty much the worse thing can happen is you do not meet anyone to strike up some interesting conversations and you end up back where you started. Nothing to really lose but a lot of potential to gain. Remember people are selfish at the core they are more focused on them then judging and condemning a complete stranger and a good local community usually treasures new blood and will have some people there willing to go out of there way to make you comfortable.

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 3:03:32 PM

TimrehIX

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Going to a munch for the first time can be hugely intimidating. In my search (in Dallas) I haven’t found a group that seems inviting of new people. I am sure they are, but I am hugely intimidated, by both the unfamiliar people and the unfamiliar situation. What I would recommend is trying to find some one to go with you. Making social connections has always been simpler for me one on one. That one on one person can help bolster you in to the group, after the first introduction it will be easier the next time.

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 3:25:02 PM

ShoreBound149

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Bourbon and weed

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 4:09:41 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShoreBound149

Bourbon and weed

And a blow job. Don't forget the blow job.

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 7:25:09 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: caelestis

So, due to some rather unfortunate recent circumstances I've moved down to texas recently. Now that things are just getting settled and I'm out on my own I would really like to get involved in a few groups, meet like-minded people, and hopefully make a few more friends. I'm going through a few changes regarding myself and how I regard all this, BDSM, D/s, etc and I believe it would be at the very least nice, if not helpful, to have someone around I can talk to these things about and not worry about them passing judgement, as I've had a few nilla friends do in the past.

Not only that, I'm curious about a ton of things. In all honesty my first and formost passion is learning, and I want to learn about all I can, from all views. I blame it on an over abundance of curiousity. A lot of things you just really can't learn by reading a webpage on it, or a book. There is no guideline to human reactions, and with some things you just need experiance and practice to be good at.

I've found a few groups in the south eastern part of Texas, mainly Houston, that look nice. I've been perusing a few forums, trying to get involved and slowly make my way to knowing a few people before I actually head to a munch. My main dilema is this... I am rediculously shy. I get tongue tied, nervous, and all around flustered around new people, much less an entire group of people who are older and more experienced. I figured I would ask around as to anyone elses experiences, tips or tricks for remaining calm, or just helping to settle the nerves.

Any and all advice is appreciated, thank you for your time!

Houston area, try MAS, there are some groups who think it is ok to be loaded before playing, these are some who are involved with EROS, be cauious with some of their home parties

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/10/2009 8:11:16 PM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

one thing that realy does help is how you breath. if you use your diaphram to breath it actualy calms you autonomic nervous system(thats the one that makes you want to run and hide) if you conciously belly breathe and inhale slowly using your nose this will help calm you nervs and make the event much better.

Also, palms up. No clue why it works, but having your palms facing skyward releases tension far better than having them face down.

/ things I learned doing yoga

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RE: Dealing with Nerves. - 11/11/2009 4:39:28 PM

caelestis

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
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Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice! I'll certainly take a lot of it to heart.

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"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

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