RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (Full Version)

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lucylucy -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 8:21:25 AM)

What an interesting question. Thanks for posting it.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7-8 months. In that time, he’s had a lot of ups and downs at his job (people laid off constantly, some difficult conflicts with co-workers), a serious falling out with a friend that he was extremely close to, and some financial problems. Yeah, I’ve seen him under serious stress.

What I admire about him is that even under all this stress, he understands what he can control and he works to control that and nothing else. When he behaves badly, he takes responsibility for it immediately and without excuses. He complains about things, sure, but he doesn’t let the stress he’s under ruin his day and everyone’s around him.

I suppose one way to look at it is that he doesn’t allow the stressful circumstances in his life to dominate him, even when he can’t necessarily dominate them.

I don’t think he has to be perfect or anything like that—but he is pretty darn close.  So no, I don’t hold him to a higher standard, but he happens to meet a higher standard than most people do. I happen to think I meet a higher standard, as well, in terms of personal responsibility and ethics, so we are a good match in that way.

(This connects to the recent thread I started about accepting a false accusation. When we did finally talk about things in a calm way, he was completely reasonable and didn’t make excuses. I don’t always like what he says or does, but I certainly respect it and see it as highly ethical.)



littleone35 -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 9:11:17 AM)

Do i hold Master to a higher standard. Not really not any higher standards than i set for myself. It happened to be good that we can hold a discussion outside of play, so i needed someone who was equally if not more educated then myself (he has 2 Masters degrees). I also wanted someone stronger then me and Masters is definetly that.

In the 3(almost) 4 years we have been together i have seen Master sick, exhausted and upset/worried. It does not make me see him as less just a person who has the same emotions everybody else has.

He is not perfect nor would i expect him to be, neither am I. We are, however, perfect for each other.

Matt's littleone



Hierodule -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 9:29:19 AM)

Like I said, I wasn't exactly sure what the person who originally said it  meant by higher standard. But I am assuming they meant higher than themselves. Or higher than everyone else. I believe that everyone, except maybe sociopaths, lives by a code of personal ethics whether they know it or not. And even a sociopath might have some twisted code that they live by that I would never understand. So just because someone lives by a code of ethics doesn't mean I will agree with everything they believe.

I wouldn't want my Master to take his emotions from a bad day at work out on me in the form of physical punishment. If he said "Love, I am stressed out from work. I'm going to tie you up and have some fun to forget about it" thats one thing. But if he just angrily grabbed a belt and started whooping on me, that is going from S&M to abuse. But I don't think I would be with him if I thought he would ever do that. We use corporal punishment for behavior modification so if he beat me severely for no reason it would be contrary to the goals he set out for our relationship and I would start to doubt his intentions. I would feel like everything he told me about what he expected from me was out the window. But if he yelled at me because he was stressed from work and I was on his nerves I would understand. I would get out of his way and get busy doing something else.

I think about these things more as I get closer to my move in date. And the fantasy of what I've secretly always wanted  and the reality of what being his truly means like start to come together into what I really am. I was also rudely awakened by some loud music at 4:30 this morning. I posted this in an bothered sleepy haze. Thanks everyone for answering. 



RedMagic1 -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 9:36:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule
There s a thread in the ask a Master forum where a submissive wrote that Master's are held to a higher standard and follow a code of ethics

I don't think that's true in real life.  Just as there are many (at least would-be) masters who try to use their position to manipulate subs, so too there are many subs whose primary wish is to escape having to make decisions or bearing life-responsibility.  Just like nillaland, a lot of people choose their partners and then discover the importance of compatible ethics later.

In my own case, I absolutely require that whoever I'm with be good at things I'm not.  Unless we complement each other well, what's the point?  That's not an ethics thing, but it is a team-going-through-life thing.



LPslittleclip -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 10:24:13 AM)

at first i did hold my Mistress to a higher standard than me but that did not last long as W/we had a discussion on it and in the end i am still Her slave and She is still human. i am good at doing many things and i know it pleases my Mistress to have a slave who likes house work. as far as a code of ethics for O/our dynamic it has worked out quite well as her partner is good with keeping the communications working and i am a more domestic oriented slave things just work well for U/us



pyroaquatic -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 10:45:58 AM)

Fast as a taco screaming out of a cannon reply....

I would hold myself up to a higher standard rather than my D-type. I am the one who has to be cognizant of their needs and desires and my sensitivity to such must be acute.

From previous experience all people from all walks are to have a proportionate amount of 'bad' days. Of course I do not believe in this concept of 'bad' or 'good'.

They are simply moments.

The reaction to such moments define maturity. I certainly know I have gradient levels of maturity.



northernsiren -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/10/2009 3:05:52 PM)

This is an interesting question.  To feel valued in the context of our relationship, I need to feel like I bring something to the table other than simply my submission.  I want Him to be able to confide in me, to share His successes and His failures, I want to be His comfort.  As others said, I need to be able to admire Him, and this is the hardest part in finding someone. I have very high standards for those I consider friends, and my Master is far more than that.  But no one is subject to as much criticism and censor from me than I am, I find fault in my behavior when He does not, I strive to be better than He even asks, because He deserves it. So in this sense, no it is not a higher standard, there could be none higher than the one I set myself.  

The only area where perhaps He is set to a higher standard is in guiding our relationship.  I trust Him to know what is right for us, not just because He is Master, but because He is experienced in long term D/S and I am not.  We have extremely open communication, and He never corrects me for asking why, or offering another option, or expressing doubt.  It is His job to keep me safe, body, mind and heart, and if I am feeling misgivings, my mind is not safe, and I need to communicate that with Him so He can either modify a decision, or talk with me to make it ok.  Should push come to shove, I will always obey Him, and if it does not work out, forgive because I know He has my best interests at heart, and, as others have said,  no one is perfect. 



NuevaVida -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/11/2009 8:34:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

Do you hold your Master or Mistress to a higher standard?


Higher than....my standards for myself?  No.  As for ethics, we have a similar ethical/moral code so that's not an issue.  I suspect if we did not, we would not be together.

quote:


Do they have to be perfect?


Nobody is perfect.


quote:


Or just "stronger" or "better" at certain things than you are?


I'm better at certain things and he is better at certain things.  It's what makes us groove ;)

quote:


If your M type showed some kind of moment of weakness in front of you, emotional, intellectual, or physical, would it erode your bond with them?


I love him for being human and for not pretending he doesn't have weaknesses (don't we all have weaknesses, after all?).  That he will admit (and even apologize) when he is wrong makes him more of a man in my eyes than if he did not.  The love, care and concern he shows for his daughter impresses me.  That he is willing to be vulnerable with me makes me love him even more.  None of this takes away the respect and admiration I have for him.  He is a strong man who is very much a human, and I love that.

quote:


I want to direct this question specifically to people in or seeking 24/7 relationships. In those relationships you are more like to see someone during their "bad days." Its a lot easier to put on a brave face when you only see someone a couple times a week or in play situations. Of course anyone can answer.


We do not live together but appear to be moving toward that, when the time is right.

quote:


I think that if my Master had a problem I would want to be there for him. As long as he didn't take it out on me I don't think I would judge him if he say, cried about a death in his family, or bitched about something that happened at work. But I wouldn't want to give my life to someone if they acted like a petulant kid every time something didn't go their way.

What do you think?


We can not escape problems in this life, and I absolutely want to be there for him when they come his way.  I hope he gives me his problems - either by talking to me about them, venting about something, or even beating me to release his tension.  I don't see any of those things as acting like a "petulant kid."  I would not have given myself to a petulant kid.  But I did give myself to a responsible man who is free to utilize me the way he wishes.



catize -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/11/2009 10:13:00 PM)

They certainly are not perfect, and both R. and S. have been open enough to show where they are vulnerable. They have standards for their own conduct which has earned my respect and submission. If they did not have ethics which I admire, they would not merit the title of dominant, at least not from me.
So in a way, I do expect an intangible ~~something beyond the norm~~ in order to submit to them.
Anyone can, and many do, self label as dominant/mistress/master without any thought of the responsibilities that entails. I don't automatically trust a title. I take my time in order to see if I can trust the person.



howahkan -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/12/2009 9:27:50 AM)

quote:

Hierodule Wrote:

I'm not sure this is even what was meant by "higher standard" but that is what inspired my question.


This is an outstanding question Hierodule. One I thought of posting myself.  I'm glad to have a chance to answer yours.

quote:

Aileen1968 Wrote:

I don't expect him to be perfect. No one is perfect (except for me).
I do expect him to make sound decisions for the simple reason that he not only makes decisions for himself, but also for me.


I agree with this statement but I don't think it goes far enough.  Any person who willingly takes authority over another person or people, whither they are a politician, in law enforcement, a teacher, a military officer or a Dom/me in a 24/7 relationship must be held to a "Higher Standard".

We willingly give over our lives to these people trusting they will look out for us.  People who have been given this authority must be people with a steadfast adherence to a strict moral and ethical code. They must be trustworthy, compassionate and have a deep capacity for love.

Some may say that everyone should live up to this standard, I know I try to.  However a Dom/me must be held to this standard.  Any who do not should be avoided at any cost.

Well, that's my opinion.  Thank you Hierodule for giving me a chance to pontificate on a subject so close to my heart.

I wish you all the best things in life...



AquaticSub -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/12/2009 9:57:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

There s a thread in the ask a Master forum where a submissive wrote that Master's are held to a higher standard and follow a code of ethics (I'm not going to quote the person directly because I don't know them) While it would be nice if this were universally true, it got me thinking:

Do you hold your Master or Mistress to a higher standard?

No. I hold everyone intimately involved in my life to about the same standards. I definately hold all my partners, be they dominant or submissive, to exactly the same standard which are about the same ones I've always used even when I dating vanilla guys. I expect certain things from my partners. It's not about higher, it's about being there for each other.
quote:



Do they have to be perfect? Or just "stronger" or "better" at certain things than you are? If your M type showed some kind of moment of weakness in front of you, emotional, intellectual, or physical, would it erode your bond with them?

No. I feel very lucky to be able to see Valyraen's moments of weakness, just as I do others. To be allowed in past someone's defenses and comfort them when it hurts simply displays the bond you have and the trust they put in you.

I often see him hurt physically as he has a bum knee. Part of my duties to him is fetch his knee brace. As for intellectual, we pick at each brains all the time. I have very frequently, but respectfully, corrected him. And for the stories he writes, I ask him "Why? Why are they doing this, it doesn't make sense for the characters."

quote:



I'm not sure this is even what was meant by "higher standard" but that is what inspired my question.

I want to direct this question specifically to people in or seeking 24/7 relationships. In those relationships you are more like to see someone during their "bad days." Its a lot easier to put on a brave face when you only see someone a couple times a week or in play situations. Of course anyone can answer.

I'm not really sure how I feel yet. I think that if my Master had a problem I would want to be there for him. As long as he didn't take it out on me I don't think I would judge him if he say, cried about a death in his family, or bitched about something that happened at work. But I wouldn't want to give my life to someone if they acted like a petulant kid every time something didn't go their way.

What do you think?


I think the idea of a higher standard is bullshit. I think it stems from people finding that their exes or those trying to hit on them didn't live up to their standards so they tell themselves it's ok, they are going for something "higher" when the truth of the matter is that a lot of people have to go through a lot of frogs before they find someone who matches their standards and whose standards they match. This idea of higher standards is a great way to dismiss anyone who hurt you without having to think about what hand you might have had in it or how you might have opened yourself up to. It's also a fanastic way for a guy to tell a girl "Oh baby, you know all doms those that hurt you? I'm not like them. I have higher standards because I'm a real master."

It's very comforting to tell yourself that everyone who didn't work out was below your uber-awesome higher standards and not just a matter of "didn't click, didn't work out".



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Does your Master/Mistress have to be... (11/12/2009 1:51:32 PM)

Put someone... ANYONE... on a pedestal, and there's ONE certainty... at some point, they WILL fall.  BDSM couples are no different from any other couple.  Both are capable of mistakes.  As I'd stated in that other thread... there's no Ethics Police, so everyone is in charge of their own ethics, morals, and standards.  All the more reason to REALLY get to know someone before making a major life change;  or major changes to one's life.




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