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Greta75 -> RE: I Admit It I........ (10/16/2017 7:31:32 PM)
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I admit that when you know someone you love is given max 2 years to live, and all cancer treatment has failed him, when chemo is killing him faster than healing him. And he has seek treatment with various doctors in Europe and North America. Covered US and Canadian doctors too. All failed. Tried stem cell. Tried experimental treatments. All Failed. All the Western doctors told him there is no hope. Now he is trying all the "voodoo shit", ya know, Holistic Healers, he said he believes he can beat death and choose to stay positive about it and not giving up. But he also told me that, IF he feels he really can't have a decent quality of life anymore, he is planning to go for Assisted Suicide and die on his own terms. Things are bad as he was so strong and fit one year ago and now he struggles to even walk 200metres and gets too exhausted.
In a crazy way, what it feels like to me, is, he is actually transiting into a ghost eventually and literally just vanish from this earth. Which in a crazy way, is like, he was real to me and vanishing to become unreal.
This is the first time I will ever be experiencing someone who is important in my life passing away. And what it feels like, this person will cease to be a real living person that I can hold and touch. And it would eventually feel like, I made him up in my head. I say this because, from the moment I met him 2+ years ago, he was already someone that I thought was impossible to exist. Exceeded all my expectations of what a man can be. It felt like I imagined him in my head, that I told myself, my expectations were too high and he could not possibly exist in this Universe but it's just nice to fantasize about such a man. And then he strolls into my life and fulfills everything and beyond, and made me the happiest woman in the world and gave me all my heart's desire. And 2 years later, he is dying. Just like that. On top of that, his mom is exactly like my mom. Both psychos use their children as their punching bags. So he perfectly understands what I am go through because he has lived that same experiences. He was my male twin. When we are together, in my head, I see us as two scared little 3 yr olds, holding hands, supporting each other in terror of our mothers. He understood me perfectly. And we are both free spirits in regards to sex too. Kindred spirits there too, and even on political stances. And morals and everything. The compatibility was incredible.
I feel like the Universe gave me my perfect man with the condition that they will murder him in 2 years time. All I have is this limited time with him. And that's the condition for getting what I want. It's a horrible deal. If I could do one on one exchange, shorten 10 or 20 years of my life in exchange to extend the years of his life. I would take that deal! And all I keep doing all day these days is bargaining with the Universe with my life in exchange for his. Hoping for they would take the deal and make the exchange.
And all I know is. I can't imagine bonding with anybody else after him, because, I felt like me and him connected spiritually. I have never connected with someone on the level I felt with him before. Our internal spirits understood each other perfectly. Even when his angry, frustrated and sad and not in my presence. I feel so intune with him that I feel everything. And would send him a message and realise, it was true, I felt his moods. And he feels mine too. It would be a very difficult loss. And I don't know how one can prepare for it. Like literally, not getting a response from someone who has always made himself fully available to you anymore because he is genuinely not on this earth, in some ethereal form and unable to respond to you anymore.
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