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angeldmort -> What do I really want? What really matters? (11/12/2009 3:48:51 AM)
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Maybe this is too general to be BDSM, but the thread the other day got me thinking. Something about it really bothered me, and it took me a bit to get a finger on what. I still have more to consider, but part of it was this -
"I tried everything, flowers, chocolates, lingerie, slap up dinners in 5 star restaurants, romantic getaways"
He really belived that was "everything." He really felt that these were marriage savers.
He makes a case for how women don't want to settle down, and instead have short relationships or one night stands, live alone, etc. They get jobs and aren't dependent on men to fulfill them or support them. "Many of them is quite frank about it and say that for them having children is important, but they value their independence to high." "many of them will, to the world, say that they just haven't meet mr. Right yet. But in reality they set the bar so high for mr Right that he don't exist."
So… they live the way they want to, get what they need, but apparently they are lying to themselves and the world about why and whether they are happy with it.
This just sounds to me like single women are starting to live more like single men have for a long long time. They choose something other than the role that was handed to them, one that they believe satisfies them, but this is somehow wrong.
I think the reason this idea bothers me is that I've been there, and problem seems to be that if women aren't DEPENDENT on men, if they don't NEED a man, then they will only have a man around when they WANT him and it's scary to consider having to work hard enough to make someone actually like you when you are used to having the easy out. I haven't been in the Lifestyle that long, but just like vanilla life, it seems that the men who cry loudest against this trend are the ones who are the least willing to consider what a woman wants or make that effort to provide it. Listed as sub or Dom, they seem to resent that a woman doesn't automatically want to give them what they want. They don't want to work for it, while they expect the woman to want to work to give it to them.
I understand that this was the female role for most of their lives. As Blanche Black says, it's only as technology moves forward that women can move into positions that let them be independent and therefore demand better treatment. I did this a couple years ago, and yet I'm still beset by the constant attempts by men to make demands, and their expectations that I shouldn't want to choose for myself.
So, why DO I want a man? I have a good job. I have my own space, which I can clean or not clean, and I can cook or not cook, and I buy my own flowers and my own chocolate and my own lingerie. (It works out - I always get what I actually like and my pretties always FIT!) I can eat out anytime, really. I can pay for my own romantic getaway if I want it. So why do I need anyone?
Two words.
Limbic regulation.
I can get laid anytime. I can walk out my door and have someone willing to do me any way I want. I, as most women, have to literally fend off pushy men who want access to my body and my time. I have more offers than I can count for kink of every flavor.
I need more. I need something I can only get from someone that genuinely likes me. I need those warm touches when I know he has no interest in getting laid that day, and the hugs that aren't foreplay. I need to be kissed because he just felt like kissing me. I am with DarkBastard because when he hugs me, he leans his head down on top of mine and he squeezes me like he never wants to let go. (GAWD he gives great snuggle.) He buries his face in my neck while we watch tv. When we play, he looks at me in a way my ex hadn't for years. Which is why he's an ex, and DarkBastard is here.
When he stops looking at me that way, we'll part. When he stops touching me like I'm precious, this will end. If we never played kinky games again, if we never had sex again, if I never got to spank or if he never kneeled again, it would be secondary to what I really NEED from him. The only thing I can't give myself is that look, that touch, that energy, and I can't get it from a stranger. I cant get it from someone who doesn't really care. And I can't feel it if the giver is only there to get something. I feel it. I feel that difference - it's energy being taken instead of given. It sucks you dry and drags you down and leaves you empty. I can't want someone who wants something FROM me, rather than wanting me, the whole me, and nothing but me.
Every book I've read and every web page and every bit of advice I've had on this kind of play says you have to have that connection. When strangers write me saying they want me to own them, I have to wonder who could go there without that feeling - I could beat anyone, if they weren't annoying, but I could never submit to anyone or touch anyone intimately without feeling some of that for them FIRST. I couldn't want to. The idea makes my skin crawl.
Size, shape, physical appearance, financial standing, property & possessions and profession… none of these make a dent in this need. They are inconsequential. All of them seem to be the main focus of the strangers that write me, and of the thread that got under my skin. What they bought, what they look like. If those are what matter to them, then they've reduced their partner to a shell; a walking doll or automaton who's personality, who's essential SELF is without value.
Yes, I look like I do for a reason, and it makes him happy. But I need to believe that if someone else stole my skin and inhabited my body, he'd notice. That he wouldn't want this body without me in it. I need to feel that I matter more than my face or the spankings I give or what I do for him. No amount of flowers or chocolate will ever be equal to that.
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