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New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:35:37 PM

Interesting888

Posts: 1
Joined: 10/30/2009
Status: offline

I am new to the lifestyle and although i've had some decent 'play' experience, i've realized that i want more. I want a Dom that will teach me, a Dom i want to make proud and one that i want to take me further into the lifestyle. My problem is that I need a slave mentor if you will. I have been fortunate enough to find a Master i think can take me on this journey. But I have so much to learn and i don't feel like it is always appropriate to ask him. For example, I just recently disobeyed my Master and was quickly brought into reality about how bad of a choice that really was. I'm now trying to show my devotion, but it is like taking a foreign language test without anyone teaching you the actual language.

So does anyone have suggestions on a good place to learn how to be the best sub i can be? I realize it is a process, but i NEED to do something to educate myself so that i can truly show my Master that i am worth his time and effort!

Thank you in advance!

Post #: 1

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:38:25 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

commmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmunication, and lose the bad self talk.

Really, thats it.

Get clear expectations, talk talk talk talk, even if you have to take a beating for it.

Otherwise, leave. No third party can tell you whats in MasterMotherfuckers mind, you dig?

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Interesting888)

Post #: 2

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:44:20 PM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

I pmed you, please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 3

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:45:05 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

thanks, I will let you know.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 4

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:46:26 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Aw Ron - I am really rather disappointed.
And there was I expecting you would have given the best blowjob low-down...

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 5

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:48:33 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Thanks, but I can't be 'on' all the time.

Now, if I was being offered it..........

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 6

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 1:57:44 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If he's given you in any way the idea that it is a bad idea to ask him anything, then you need to stop and take a good hard look at the situation. He ought to be the first person you think of asking. If you get punished for being new, for being confused, for making mistakes instead of being taught slowly and steadily, then you need to listen to your gut.

Being afraid to ask questions is one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, not the sign of a good one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 7

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 2:59:27 PM

howahkan

Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline

You sound pretty normal to me. It's all new to you and you think you need to somehow catch-up with the whole BDSM thing. I've been in the so-called "scene" for 32 years and I'm still learning. Give yourself a break. Listen to your Master, don't be afraid to talk to him and ask questions.

Did you disobey your Master just to see what would happen or did you just make a mistake? There is a big difference. If you did it on purpose then he had every right to quickly bring you into reality. If it was just a mistake and you were punished for it I would start questioning his judgment and maybe think about getting out.

I hope this helps.

I wish you all the best things in life...

(in reply to Interesting888)

Post #: 8

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 3:27:21 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

i understand your desire to please your master. However, i think your question is slightly misguided. There seems to be an underlying assumption that there is a universal code of conduct for submissives. There isn't.

Every Dom/Domme is different. They have different personalities. They enjoy different activities. They expect different things from their subs. It would be a mistake to assume that your Dom is like another Dom.

Would you cook cauliflower for you spouse every Saturday night because your ex-boyfriend used to like cauliflower on Saturday nights? Of course you wouldn't. That would be baggage. Well, you can bring baggage into a BDSM relationship either.

Rather than asking another sub to mentor you, ask your Dom what he expects of you. Establishing expectations and boundaries is an essential part of a Dom/Domme's responsibilities. Any Dom/Domme who isn't willing to invest the time to properly train their sub probably isn't worth serving.

Your Dom should not be punishing you for transgressions that you were never told were transgressions in the first place. The fact that you seem to be reluctant to just ask him for guidance is a bit troubling to me. But i don't want to assume anything about your relationship, since i don't know you or your Dom.

The bottom line is that D/s relationships are just like vanilla relationships. Communication is key. If you have good communication, you'll probably have a good relationship. If you have bad communication, you'll probably have a bad relationship.

i hope that helps.

(in reply to Interesting888)

Post #: 9

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 7:52:32 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm with Rochsub.

There's a reason you don't like to ask him for guidance. Either he has an issue, or you do. It's his responsibility to guide you, and you would just get confused if you asked another sub how they thin you should serve.

Ask and ye shall receive...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 10

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 8:19:39 PM

Hierodule

Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline

super quick reply:

If its like a foreign language, he is the only one that speaks it and it his job to translate. If there is one thing he should be doing its telling you what he wants.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/13/2009 8:31:49 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm with Rochsub.

There's a reason you don't like to ask him for guidance. Either he has an issue, or you do. It's his responsibility to guide you, and you would just get confused if you asked another sub how they thin you should serve.

Ask and ye shall receive...

You have an excellent point here. Asking others about how to deal with, or serve your own Master is not a way i would go either. Other POV on how they do things or see things is usually always helpful though.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/14/2009 2:11:12 AM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

Greetings Interesting888....

If you are being punished for things you did not know are wrong, you have a sadist looking for ways to punish not a trainer of any sort. Now, if punishment and humiliation are your thing...then go for more punishment. If you ware wanting someone to teach you new things and take you towards being a slave instead of a sub, then you need someone without the usual scene/play mentality. If he can't tell you why he does what he is doing and lay out a general roadmap of how you are going to get there, he either hasn't a clue or he is a really bad teacher. It is hard to tell from your post exactly what is going on and what you did wrong. Also, we don't know what you are learning, besides not to disobey and what you thought you were going to learn.

Be well....

Malkinius

_____________________________

A questioner by inclination...An Auctioneer for the fun of it
http://www.HouseMalkinius.com The goal is community.

(in reply to Interesting888)

Post #: 13

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/14/2009 8:14:15 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Oh yeah, and in your search for a mentor do remember to ignore the one true way types who insist that subs are really just kinky bottoms and only a slave is real. Because their delusions don't apply to the rest of us and our relationships.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Malkinius)

Post #: 14

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 3:17:07 PM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

If you ever have a specific question, you can always ask it here. You will get a wide variety of replies and some will probably resonate with you.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 15

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 4:06:02 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Interesting888

I am new to the lifestyle and although i've had some decent 'play' experience, i've realized that i want more. I want a Dom that will teach me, a Dom i want to make proud and one that i want to take me further into the lifestyle. My problem is that I need a slave mentor if you will. I have been fortunate enough to find a Master i think can take me on this journey. But I have so much to learn and i don't feel like it is always appropriate to ask him.
When in doubt: ask!
For example, I just recently disobeyed my Master and was quickly brought into reality about how bad of a choice that really was.
Did you disobey him: he told you not to do [do] something and you did [not do] it anyway OR did you, out of ignorance do something that displeased him...there is a big difference.

I'm now trying to show my devotion, but it is like taking a foreign language test without anyone teaching you the actual language.
That can feel very uncomfortable. However, feeling uncomfortable does not necessarily mean you are doing it wrong.
When in doubt, ask: ask for clarification, ask for direction, ask for instruction... .

So does anyone have suggestions on a good place to learn how to be the best sub i can be? I realize it is a process, but i NEED to do something to educate myself so that i can truly show my Master that i am worth his time and effort!

Thank you in advance!
Best wishes.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Interesting888)

Post #: 16

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 6:11:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Just remember that this is a relationship. So as much as you need to do your best in order to show him you are worth his time and effort, he needs to do the same to be worth your time and effort.

There is a lot more to a D/s relationships than blowjobs on demand. If you aren't his priority, if you aren't his greatest treasuer, then you need to rethink it. Just as an intelligent man doesn't buy a Ferrari and then key it, an intelligent dominant doesn't devalue his sub, doesn't break her down and make her feel worthless.

He should want you to feel better for being with him, not worse.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 17

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 6:17:54 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Why not ask him to read this thread?

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 8:40:00 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

Mentorship is a great idea if you go into it for the right reasons and with reasonable expectations. While no one can teach you the specifics about your partner, by asking you questions and having you organize your thoughts on various matters, a mentor could help you clarify what you think, how you feel, and determine how best to bring matters to your partner. No one can teach you the "rules" of bdsm because there really aren't any. No one can tell you how you should think or feel. All anyone can do is help you develop your own mindset and explore your feelings and desires. The rest is simply a learning curve

As regards this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Oh yeah, and in your search for a mentor do remember to ignore the one true way types who insist that subs are really just kinky bottoms and only a slave is real. Because their delusions don't apply to the rest of us and our relationships.

I don't think I quite understand what this was all about. The lines between bottom, submissive, and slave are razor thin, blurry, to non existent at best. Could you define these if you are going to claim that someone is preaching a one true way? There may not be one true way, but there is always a way that is true for each of us. If that true way of "slave" is appropriate for OP, then shouldn't she be following that one way instead of attempting to travel a path that is not a right fit? If not a slave, then doesn't submissive fit? How about bottom? How about non D/s masochist? None of these paths are wrong or better than the others. They are just different. Dillusions do not play into any of this. It may be a dillusion for you, but it is reality to another. Why does someone discussing the path they have come to embrace bring forth such a response from you? I am sure this has opened up a can of worms and I am not at all trying to be nasty, but I just don't understand it. These labels can be so loaded as it is that it is hard to take any of them up without drawing the ire of someone. I wouldn't want to make it harder on someone new than it already is.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: New sub...who needs some advice!!! - 11/15/2009 8:46:54 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

~~FR~~
In the beginning of my search i ran across some real winners!

Everyone of the players i encountered told me i wasn't "real" because i asked questions, or wanted to meet a few times before we had sex or played. i actually started to get paranoid...like maybe there was something wrong with the way i was going about it..... Theres LOTS of stuff that can shake ones confidence in the beginning

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 20

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