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When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 4:10:36 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I have a situation that I guess isn't all that uncommon in the D/s world that I need some help with. I recently moved in with a platonic nilla guy and find myself tortured lately between a desire to protect him like a sub and throttle him like the self indulgent and narcissistic jerk he's been behaving like (acting out would be the polite word for it).We sleep in seperate bedrooms, he knows what I am and I did probably share more than I should about my belief system considering he's sexually rather inexperienced (5 women total in his life- 3 as long term live-in).
The problem  is a rather ugly break up with his live in is how I got to be here and he's literally been torturing himself about the whole thing. Like many subs I've been around he's outwardly very dominant, opinionated and somewhat agressive in pursuing his opinion, works out a lot and is very concerned with his appearance. The problem is I keep fighting for inner control when the soft and loving, desires to be protected, just wants to be loved as he is part is revealed.
I made what I now realize was a mistake telling him that sex and love aren't the same thing and he needs to get a little sex soon to help re-set his mind. Last night I was pratically in tears (and I'm crying as I write this) when I heard of his plan to hire a "smokin hot hooker to get his mind off things and get his confidence back". I've quietly watched as he drinks, searches the dance clubs and hangs out at strip clubs looking for "that thing that will fix it".
Physically we really aren't each others "type" and I accept this. "Taking one for the team" to avoid something like a hooker in the house isn't my first choice of a solution even if he'd go for it. For those paying attention yes, he's the same one I helped with his costume on halloween.
THE PROBLEM: How do you watch someone you care about torture and do harm to themselves (possibly perminant) in search of what they believe is the right choice for them? 
I've guided, advised, haven't kicked his ass every single time he wakes me at 2am rolling in from the bar but I'm just torn. I have no right to yank him up by the short-hairs and show him the error of his ways, but it hurts me in my very core to watch (and feel as I'm highly empathic) ...what can I do when free will is the only "right answer" I keep coming to?

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 4:13:22 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		men dont operate like women, he dips his wick in any of the various orifices and he can get so over his problems, in no time, he don't need counsel, he needs encouragement that all the girls want some of that dick off him.

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 4:25:04 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Have to disagree if all he wanted of needed was "encouragement that women want him" he would have taken the first chick that gave him a minutes attention in a club bathroom for 3 seconds in heaven instead of turturing himself and everyone around him for months.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 4:36:40 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Personally, I think you're too much invested where you shouldn't be.  If this is just a friend/roommate, how he chooses to get over his past relationship needs to be his own path.  From what I'm reading here, the only way that it is (and should) be bothering you is the coming in at 2:00 AM and waking you up in the middle of the night.  Personally, that would tick Me off, too.  The rest of it isn't your place to deal with, no matter how empathetic you are.

You're not going to 'save' him by having sex with him.  All that's going to do is complicate your situation more.  Be his friend, suggest AA if you think he's got a drinking problem, and then let it go.


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 6:01:52 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:


I made what I now realize was a mistake telling him that sex and love aren't the same thing and he needs to get a little sex soon to help re-set his mind.


are you saying your mistake was 'giving him that advice', or 'believing it yourself' was the mistake? 

i mean, even if you were physically "his type" and knew he would go for it after the "advice" you gave him; when you look sex with him as "taking one for the team" after what you had just finished saying, it sounds to me like you just advised someone to bleed in the water when you'd never even get on the boat. 

not that i'm saying sleeping with him would do anyone anything but more harm for both of you, and i do think you've got more problems in regard to him than just guild or feeling sorry for him.  that's more or less just human curiosity speaking up after looking at the situation and wondering what the case is.

anyway, since he's just running with the idea you put in his head, (and while i can't imagine how that ended up being "advice", our difference of opinions is hardly the issue) seeing how he's doing exactly what you told him to do, it's obvious he took your advice once, i don't see why twice would be so difficult.  even if you can't undo your advice on him needing to sleep around, the "twice" he might do well to have is why it's important not to be more promiscuous than a dog in heat, or why being impaired in the mind because of substance abuse isn't going help to "reset" his mind either.

however, all in all you can't save people from themselves.  he might just have to be a little self destructive in order to find his way out of this paper bag.  you might want to think seriously  on abandoning ship rather than be the roommate of a bitter at life, confused, routine drunkard until he gets out of that bag, even if you keep trying to help from a "more practical" distance.


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/13/2009 6:16:17 PM >

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 7:47:31 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		He sounds like a train wreck.  I'd get out of his life as soon as possible.

Sorry to be heartless, but if he pulls himself out, it will be when you're not there to enable him.


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/13/2009 9:49:30 PM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		OP:
be careful!! a co-dependency may   be being set up here...
READ CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE...BEATTY


GM:)

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/14/2009 5:28:31 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

men dont operate like women, he dips his wick in any of the various orifices and he can get so over his problems, in no time, he don't need counsel, he needs encouragement that all the girls want some of that dick off him.


I mostly agree. But a guy hanging out in strip clubs and talking about hookers is a man who is conflicted about getting laid. If all he wanted was sex, he already would have had it.

OP, I agree with others that you're too invested in this. If you want to help him as a friend, can't you hook him up with a suitably fuck-friendly individual for some sexy fun time?

Also, I don't think your "domme soul" has anything to do with this.

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/14/2009 5:53:15 AM   
PrincessDonna


Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline 		I'm kind of lost on why this this an alterative lifestyle site and yet your friend "finding a hot hooker" seems to make you cringe.Not every hooker is a nasty aids carrying slut and maybe he just needs to find the right one.Or maybe a pro Domme that has a nuturing side.And Yes you are way too involved,pay your part of the rent and bills and call it a day,if your not willing to be the one to"make him happy"then let him deal with his grief his own way!

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/14/2009 6:58:09 AM   
BlueHnS


Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
THE PROBLEM: How do you watch someone you care about torture and do harm to themselves (possibly perminant) in search of what they believe is the right choice for them? 


You have to accept that just because he is not making the right choices *for you* does not necessarily mean he is making poor choices. Some of us will touch the stove 100 times even after we've been told it's hot for reasons that make sense only to us, and only then will we truly grip the reality. 

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/14/2009 8:23:27 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		The question is not - Does your roommate need sex...

The question is - Do you need a new roommate...

I think the answer is YES as this one is driving you to distraction. 

You say you are not interested in as a romantic partner. 
You say you deplore his habits and poor decisions about his life.

Then do not allow yourself to get drawn into them.

Give him his notice and start looking for someone with less drama.


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/14/2009 11:12:58 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		This is exactly why I like you guys so much :

quote:

are you saying your mistake was 'giving him that advice', or 'believing it yourself' was the mistake? 


Hindsight I think it was sharing this personal belief with someone not mentally equipped to deal with the consequences that split can create. As all of you have pointed out I'm too invested in the why, so the simple answer I'll give is he's a creature that needs validation they are "good and appealing" in about every part of life. I think this is why I waffle between wanting to be protective in a way I haven't earned and throttling him like he deserves for keeping me awake.

quote:

however, all in all you can't save people from themselves.  he might just have to be a little self destructive in order to find his way out of this paper bag.  you might want to think seriously  on abandoning ship rather than be the roommate of a bitter at life, confused, routine drunkard until he gets out of that bag, even if you keep trying to help from a "more practical" distance.


Agreed we shouldn't save others from themselves but sometimes it's as painful if not more so watching someone crashing into walls to find their way. I think what bothers me the most is in my heart he looks like a sub without a rudder. All this promise guarded with inner-deamons. Bad idea from the get-go but I find disconnected pity hard to reach. And yes, the co-dependent in the making comment may be right on target.

quote:

I mostly agree. But a guy hanging out in strip clubs and talking about hookers is a man who is conflicted about getting laid. If all he wanted was sex, he already would have had it.

Ditto that thought. It's watching the conflict that's so painful.

quote:

OP, I agree with others that you're too invested in this. If you want to help him as a friend, can't you hook him up with a suitably fuck-friendly individual for some sexy fun time?


again brillient advice...that situation as it played out for me in the past has the "hook-up" living in my old home and I had to make an express move to accomidate her. Won't be making the same mistake again. I've pointed out hunting grounds where he might be more likely to meet what he claims to desire and have left it at that.

I however followed this advice and found my own companion,  having that person look me in the eyes and ask "if you haven't had sex with him why do you give a shit?" wasn't pretty. It pretty much drilled home what all of you have said. While I care and want the best for him, I'm not honoring myself by getting drug down with his sinking ship. He'll either figure it out or he won't and nothing I say or do will change that or "make it all better".

quote:

Also, I don't think your "domme soul" has anything to do with this.

I would disagree, the way I work with my subs is for whole person self improvement not just play. I see those needs and drives for approval in him and unconsciously have been feeding them. The halloween costume "make me a collar and put it on me" incident didn"t help matters. I didn't realize until that moment that it had been too long since I'd played. That innocent thing made my blood boil in un-healthy domme frenzy types of ways.


Thanks so much to all of you for this thoughtful advice. A move before the holidays financially isn't practical, but disconnecting for my own sanity and putting up a few more boundaries are definately in order.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/16/2009 5:31:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You think he doesn't know sex isn't love and you're the one who gave him that insight? He already knows that. He knew it at age 12 when he was wanking to hot pron on the internet.

You want to be a lot more important to him then you are. Worry about him? Make sure he has a way to get home without driving drunk and give him a  box of condoms. Otherwise go find a new place to live.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/16/2009 5:35:12 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

He sounds like a train wreck.  I'd get out of his life as soon as possible.

Sorry to be heartless, but if he pulls himself out, it will be when you're not there to enable him.

yep.....you are not going to save him from himself.


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/16/2009 7:51:17 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Personally, I think you're too much invested where you shouldn't be.  If this is just a friend/roommate, how he chooses to get over his past relationship needs to be his own path.  From what I'm reading here, the only way that it is (and should) be bothering you is the coming in at 2:00 AM and waking you up in the middle of the night.  Personally, that would tick Me off, too.  The rest of it isn't your place to deal with, no matter how empathetic you are.

You're not going to 'save' him by having sex with him.  All that's going to do is complicate your situation more.  Be his friend, suggest AA if you think he's got a drinking problem, and then let it go.



This.


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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/17/2009 7:59:23 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		I get the impression that you want to control or "Domme" him. Your mention of Domme Frenzy may be right on target.

- pixel

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/20/2009 7:37:01 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

We specialize in training subs that want to be a real slave. The guy your posting about sounds more like he needs therapy with his vanilla problems, not domination. Has he taken any therapy for those?

Hope this helps.

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http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

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RE: When vanilla realities torture your domme soul - 11/20/2009 8:47:59 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

I would disagree, the way I work with my subs is for whole person self improvement not just play. I see those needs and drives for approval in him and unconsciously have been feeding them. The halloween costume "make me a collar and put it on me" incident didn"t help matters. I didn't realize until that moment that it had been too long since I'd played. That innocent thing made my blood boil in un-healthy domme frenzy types of ways.



Perhaps the big problem here is that he is NOT your sub. Perhaps the problem is that you wish he was more than just your roommate. Bottom line is that you are really overstepping your place and blaming it on your "domme soul." He isn't "yours" to fix and I didn't see anywhere in your post that he asked you to help him get over his ex.

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