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saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 1:51:13 AM

scratchingpost

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When you love someone you set them free but how do you know it is the right thing to do? How do you know it is what they need or desire? What are the signs of when is it right time to say good bye especially if it is something that you do not want or need but feel it is the others best interest that you do so? Whose responsability is it to make such a decision? and how does one set about doing it do that the person knows if it truly wasnt what they wanted or needed that you do not screw up and push them away uneccesarily? In other words how do you give someone a choice to be free or to stay and let them know that in either case you only desire what is in their best interest?

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 2:15:03 AM

UtopianRanger

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quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

When you love someone you set them free but how do you know it is the right thing to do? How do you know it is what they need or desire? What are the signs of when is it right time to say good bye especially if it is something that you do not want or need but feel it is the others best interest that you do so? Whose responsability is it to make such a decision? and how does one set about doing it do that the person knows if it truly wasnt what they wanted or needed that you do not screw up and push them away uneccesarily? In other words how do you give someone a choice to be free or to stay and let them know that in either case you only desire what is in their best interest?

I think that old adage goes like this: ''If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was ''

There should be a built-in ''stop'' mechanism, firmly implanted within your own ego that doesn't allow you to ''try'' to control someone who is either unready or doesn't want you to control them in the first place.

JMHO

- The Ranger

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 2:22:50 AM

Prunesquallor

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I think if you push someone away under the impression that it's for their own good, then you are invalidating their own thoughts, emotions and power of decision. A very unwise thing to do, in my opinion, even for a Dom/ina.

It also implies that you know better than them what is good for them. Now in a d/s relationship that might well be the case on the smaller issues, but when it comes to the relationship itself, you cannot know, on the deepest level, what the other person experiences.

There is a difference between a Dom guiding a sub in directions that the sub might not wish to go in, and a Dom destroying the relationship because they think they know what is best. I know we are supposed to be mind readers, but there comes a point at which it is impossible to know what the other feels, on the deepest level. And to make assumptions about that is, I think, foolish.

< Message edited by Prunesquallor -- 3/11/2006 2:27:43 AM >

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 5:41:50 AM

Driver1961

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He enters, dips His lid........

'Ok "Scratchin", This subject is quite dear to me, in both nilla and now D/s.

I have always strived for personal 'growth' from any person I have spent time with, intimacy relationships included. The old "for a reason, A Season" (read quote unknown) And yes the 'let it go one' ( which I always had considered hippyshit cos birds shit on me and most people from a great height normally unseen but definitely felt!).

I like to think that people can discuss their emotions as maturely as possible within their own mental capacities to see with some degree of clarity what is their base needs and compromisable needs. Too often we compromise our base needs for another only to creat tension, disssention and forests around us. Yes people should be given the opportunity for 'time out' to leave the forest and identify their personal needs in duplicity or contrast to anothers.

Where this has worked for me and others, is testimony to the friendships I have with past 'lovers'- sure it can take a while for emotions to settle but most of us attract to another thru initial resonance of 'friendship' qualities.. Why leave or lose these qualities if both parties are of sufficient maturity and health to pursue the friendship aspects without acrimony from the others new partner? (Peace for the world starts in your own backyard)

In other words how do you give someone a choice to be free or to stay and let them know that in either case you only desire what is in their best interest?
Communication of your emotions is the start and finish to it, it is heard or it isnt but it must be said.

There is a difference between a Dom guiding a sub in directions that the sub might not wish to go in, and a Dom destroying the relationship because they think they know what is best. I know we are supposed to be mind readers, but there comes a point at which it is impossible to know what the other feels, on the deepest level. And to make assumptions about that is, I think, foolish.
Excellent Words Prunesquallor! Pain is pain,,,yes.

I ask my sub to examine what it is they require in 'real life' as their expectations of their D. I can't guess and I'm certainly not God. Where there's a hurdle, I need to know what it is, explain how big it is, where it is, and can it be side stepped (compromisable) or is it unyielding and must be jumped (base need)

Some hurdles we fly, some we acknowledge we simply are not and cannot equip ourselves for.

Acknowledgements to the bulldozervshippytrainingschool.com

Warm Regards

Paul, Sir to His Wild.

< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 3/11/2006 5:43:07 AM >

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 7:14:57 AM

scratchingpost

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so how would one approach it? for instance saying i am not certain that we fit anylonger and while i want to be in your life i am uncertain you desire to remain in mine?

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 7:54:17 AM

maybemaybenot

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quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

i am not certain that we fit any longer and while i want to be in your life i am uncertain you desire to remain in mine?

That sounds like a good starting place to me.

Just sit down and ask exactly what you are asking here. My only question is do YOU think you don't fit anymore or are you trying to read his feelings ? If you think you still fit, omit that part and start by asking him if he thinks you still fit.

In your OP you asked what the signs are, which indicates to me that you are seeing/feeling something. Talk, talk, talk. IMHO, one doesn't make a unilateral decision to let someone go, simply by intepreting * signs*.
< excepting signs of impending abuse >

While I am a great believer in reading the silence there is a second step to that. Which is giving the silence a voice.

mbmbn

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 10:14:43 AM

scratchingpost

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quote:

While I am a great believer in reading the silence there is a second step to that. Which is giving the silence a voice.

mbmbn

i basolutely love the way you stated that...

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 2:14:37 PM

krikket

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i think the reason for a breakup "for your own good" is a copout, at least to a certain extent. As has already been said, no one is a mind reader, and yes, the breakup might be for someone else's own good, but it is still, in mho, rather arrogant and unfeeling. It might make the person doing the breakup feel totally "good" about themselves, but it has to be less than honest. i guess i don't understand why, if it's not something either of you want, why break it off; if there are problems work them out together, or if the decision to part is made, wouldn't it be better for "both" if it was a joint decision? How can being abandoned by someone you love and who says they love you be for the "best". If someone gave me the choise of staying or leaving, i'd probably leave -- not because i'm that "giving" a person, but because once the grain of discontent is planted it can be almost impossible to uproot it. If i'm ever loved and owned again, i want it to be by someone who not only needs to be with me, but doesn't want to be without me.

After reading what i just wrote, i think i better shut up...it's obviously a sore subject..lol.

quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

When you love someone you set them free but how do you know it is the right thing to do? How do you know it is what they need or desire? What are the signs of when is it right time to say good bye especially if it is something that you do not want or need but feel it is the others best interest that you do so? Whose responsability is it to make such a decision? and how does one set about doing it do that the person knows if it truly wasnt what they wanted or needed that you do not screw up and push them away uneccesarily? In other words how do you give someone a choice to be free or to stay and let them know that in either case you only desire what is in their best interest?

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/11/2006 3:19:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

When you love someone you set them free but how do you know it is the right thing to do?

When your vision of your current and future fulfillment is better without them in it.

quote:

How do you know it is what they need or desire?

Unless they tell you, you don't. But this isn't about them saying goodbye, it's about you.

quote:

What are the signs of when is it right time to say good bye especially if it is something that you do not want or need but feel it is the others best interest that you do so?

I need more info on that. It sounds like a bit of a cop out. If you aren't happy and don't see future happiness with them, you need to just tell them. Trying to impose reasons "for their own good" is just condescending and very disrespectful to the other person.

quote:

Whose responsability is it to make such a decision?

It's everyones decision to decide if they are fulfilled or not for themselves. In cases of small infants, coma victims, pets and the like, we can only make educated guesses.

quote:

and how does one set about doing it do that the person knows if it truly wasnt what they wanted or needed that you do not screw up and push them away uneccesarily? In other words how do you give someone a choice to be free or to stay and let them know that in either case you only desire what is in their best interest?

Everyone already has that choice. However, you need to be honest with them and tell them these thoughts directly. Sounds olike a few good long processing discussions are in order.

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RE: saying good-bye - 3/12/2006 1:10:07 AM

FangsNfeet

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You have to do what you have to do. It's gut instinct in deciding what's best for you and then other people envolved. Many get envolved with relationships knowing that it's not going to work out only to pass time. You may be in love with some of these people but deep down you know they aren't the one. If you decide not to end a realtionship for there sake, then you're only hurting yourself and the other in the long run.

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