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Confused - 3/11/2006 4:01:59 AM

aurora31

Posts: 266
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It seams that I have been getting alot of contradictory advice here as of lately, often from the same people. I have also seen the same advice handed out to other novice submissives here on the boards and I am sure many of them are as confused as I am.

I have often been told that until I chose to submit to someone I am the one in controle. I understand and agree with this 100%. I have also been told to be very careful in my search. To focus on making sure that my wants/needs/desires are compatable with my future partners wants needs and desires. To focus on me so to speak. But in doing this I often here I am to me focused. After all this life style is about giving up controle and submitting to someone elses want/needs/desires.

So I guess my question is how does one take one a proactive role in the search for One (not the One) to serve. To make sure that that person has all the qualities that I think are important in a Dominant with out being to me focused?

aurora

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RE: Confused - 3/11/2006 4:20:08 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

To make sure that that person has all the qualities that I think are important in a Dominant with out being to me focused?

aurora

First, I would have to ask... what is "to me focused"? Is that even possible when you are searching for the person(s) you want to spend your life with? Maybe you are seeing "me focused" and selfish as one and the same? If you are currently single then yeah, it is all about you right now. If you had to go out tomorrow and search for the perfect pair of shoes and you knew that those shoes would be the ones that you had to wear to work, out to dinner, to the park, family gatherings, gardening, cleaning house and so on... wouldn't you want to be very particular? Would you hold out for the best fit, the most comfort and reliability? And that's just shoes... why shouldn't you be extra particular about who you submit to? About who you turn over all of your power to?

This is the person that you are going to allow to make decisions for you in your best interest... so yeah, it's all about you right now... you have to make sure this is the best fit, most comfortable and very reliable. If the dominant you communicate with is really into single tails and you've tried it and hate it... well, isn't that something like buying spike heeled shoes to jog in?

So yeah, until you make that decision, until you decide who you will turn over that power to, it's all about you and that's ok.

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RE: Confused - 3/11/2006 4:22:11 AM

caitlyn

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Well, this is the best advice I can give at 6:12 in the morning when I have been up all night, ha-ha!

To me, it's all a question of language and how you present yourself. Of course you need to be slightly "me focused" when you are looking for a relationship. How else are you going to find someone you are really interested in, someone you crave to be with, someone to "love", if that word has meaning to you.

But, you don't have to present it that way, now do you? File away in your mind what you are looking for, annd what will make you really want to serve, and keep those ideas internalized.

Consider this ... you are looking for the right person TO SERVE. Does that really sound "me focused" to you? If the answer is no, then you are not really all that focused on yourself, you are just trying to make sure the match is good. That being the case, make sure you don't present yourself as something you are not ... meaning a person focused on themselves.

There is nothing wrong with being the perfect little submissive girlfriend ... but taking mental notes on the side, as you start to build the relationship. That's not me focused, that's just the way life works, and a guarding mechanism to help you not end up in a relationshio with someone incompatible.

One final point ... the fact that you are even asking these questions, probably shows you are thinking it through and are not being me focused at all ... but are just trying to make good decisions.

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RE: Confused - 3/11/2006 6:06:38 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

So I guess my question is how does one take one a proactive role in the search for One (not the One) to serve. To make sure that that person has all the qualities that I think are important in a Dominant with out being to me focused?

Michaelangelo used to say of his marble sculpture that the object was always in the stone. He saw the end result while looking at the raw block of marble. His job was taking away all the marble that was keeping the image a prisoner in the marble. The results are the "Moses", "David", and "Pieta".

Unlike Michaelangelo's stone you play an active part in the process. Before you do searching for a Master, you should know the image you are or hope to be as a slave. Your Master's job will be to remove all the parts that are not that image. Your self image is important to the process because now you seek a Master compatible with that image. You wouldn't seek someone who carves horses in wood, if your ideal is to be a bronze nude.

It still up to the Master to mold you into his version. How you will be presented, your pose; but essentially with the process begins you have the same overall concept in mind. Once committed to the piece, you're "control" effectively ends.

Hope that image helps.

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RE: Confused - 3/11/2006 6:12:32 AM

slavejali

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Rather than seeing it as being "me" focused you could see it as knowing yourself. Everyone has different personalities, there are no slaves with exactly the same personalities. Each slave has particular interests, moods, things that make them shiney happy people, and things that make them feel stifled, things that they are really good at, things that they cant get their head around at all, things they like and dislike etc etc etc.

So once you figure all that out about yourself (if you havent already), what you then have is a little package to offer a Master/Dominant.

Now..im gonna repeat myself here but... Everyone has different personalities, there are no Dominants with exactly the same personalities. Each Dominant has particular interests, moods, things that make them shiney happy people, and things that make them feel stifled, things that they are really good at, things that they cant get their head around at all, things they like and dislike etc etc etc.

So your pro-active role would be to advertise about you. Your advertising your package and everything inside it. What you are doing is actually providing a service to any potential Dominant....makes me grin but you could see it like your on an auction block and everything about yuo is being described....it is about *you* at this stage....every little thing about you is going to effect the happiness of your future dominant..so the more they know about "you" (your wants, needs, desires etc etc etc) the easier it is going to be to find a suitable Master...or should I say..The more its about "you" in the beginning...the easier you are gonna make it for a Master who is looking, to find exactly what they want. Its also an easy way to let Dominants know from the beginning whether or not you are suited...so there is less wasted time.

Thats how I see it anyways.

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RE: Confused - 3/11/2006 8:29:54 AM

amayos

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Excellent advice already given by all above. I suppose I would add that knowing thyself certainly does not serve you alone; it ultimately can save many prospective dominants miles of headache and wasted time from a girl's self understanding that is trapped in the mist—only to be realized later and shift the landscape. Many of the questions I ask in opening communication with a submissive is to challenge those foundations of motive and assumed actualization. In my mind, you don't need (and can't ever be expected) to match up perfectly, but it is important for me to build from the right material in the beginning, and I appreciate it greatly when the one I'm dealing with can help in determining the worth of that process by being direct and clear of what propels her, of what is within her.

< Message edited by amayos -- 3/11/2006 8:54:16 AM >

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RE: Confused - 3/12/2006 4:01:14 AM

aurora31

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Thank you all for responding. My thinking has been very much along the same lines but I thought maybe I had it all wrong. Would not be the first time...lol. I hope this also helps any other newbies out there who are getting the same conflicting advice.

aurora

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RE: Confused - 3/12/2006 5:51:00 AM

IronBear

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Perhaps whilst you are focused, you can switch the focus on your needs and requirements as well as what is on the table and being offered. You could do this and still be a submissive by remembering: "Yes I am a submissive, just not your submissive untill I submit to you."

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Confused - 3/12/2006 9:33:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Of course you are going to get contradictory advice. No matter what you do, someone is going to tell you that you are wrong. People will do anything to convince you to listen to them, do what they want and to make you less secure in who you are so that you will be more inclined to just do what they want you do to.

Of COURSE this should be focused on you. It's YOUR life, YOUR choice, YOUR relationship. This is about fulfilling YOUR needs in a relationship.

It just so happens that you fulfill YOUR needs by submitting to someone else's authority.

OBviously, no relationship is ever about JUST you. Likewise, no relationship is ever about JUST the dom. RElationships are inherently about interactions BETWEEN people. ANd people usually suck at interacting with eachother- there's a lot of messy skills and issues that come into play. You have to work at it, you have to make sure it's right for you.

I don't know why people seem to think you have to make a choice between making yourself OR another priority. You can make yourself AND your relationship AND your partner first priority.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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