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lovingpet -> RE: Hmmm...any thoughts? (11/17/2009 6:44:59 AM)
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Agrees with Holly big time.
I will be blunt. All the changes in me since meeting my partner are not "good" changes. Let me explain a little... okay, a lot. I can catagorically state that I am more than abundantly happy with him and I don't forsee that changing. He and I fit together in a way that I could have never expected when things began. I know without a doubt that I am loved, treasured, cared for, and safe. I know he only wants good things for me.
That being said, some of those good things come with massive growing pains and actually will eventually turn my whole life upside down. For one thing, he has made me feel again. I have always been very able to feel with and for others, but I don't know that I have ever truly been able to feel for myself and know what I feel. It can really upset a lot of apple carts when the person who was once unshaken and "strong" suddenly has the occasional swing, explosion, meltdown, or whatever. He has been working on my self image and self esteem. It is very hard for me to hear compliments and very difficult to process someone enjoying me. Alongside that is the other side of self image, that of being honest with myself. Not everything about me is sweetness and light or warm, fuzzy, fluffy bunny type stuff. I have a dark side. I have things about myself that I either do not admit or have denied or repressed completely. Letting those out into the open with him and allowing them to be judged for what they are has been a very hard process that still continues. When they gain acceptance with him and are embraced, then I have to deal with the consequences of that. I have to deal with the fact that these things will actually gain expression. He has also touched upon a great many damaged areas from my past. To some extent, this was intentional, but for the most part it has just come in the course of being that close to another person. I can't keep the walls up and now these things have to be sorted and dealt with. It is a very difficult process.
As much turmoil as these things cause, I guess it is obvious that they are still good things. The way they affect my life (what the outside world can see), might be judged as negative. It has brought me to blows with a lot of people I once considered important to me, ended relationships, and changed still other relationships. It is resulting in a huge altering of my life circumstances in the short future. I will be moving from my hometown, uprooting my children, and merging households. I will have a whole new routine and set of expectations and my life's path will be permanently altered. As wild and negative as things seem right now, this is all working toward a state in which I am able to be myself, be at peace, and free of the stresses and worries that currently sap every drop of life out of me.
The bottom line is this. Are you happy? Other's opinions don't much matter in the grand scheme of things. Will you always be happy? Nope. There will be times of unrest in any relationship. On the whole, however, is he enlarging your life or stifling it? If he is a wonderful thing that happened in your life to you, then these other people's opinions be damned. I have one person...exactly one...who actively tries to convince me that my partner is bad for me. The reality is the changes in me alter how that person and I interact with each other in a way the person doesn't like. It is a healthy change, but the person doesn't like it because my requirements are higher (of and for myself and of the person). Needless to say, I don't give that opinion much credence.
OP, you've got to be secure in yourself, how you feel, and your own relationship. People's opinions will vary wildly and eventually you WILL encounter someone who thinks the whole thing is truly unhealthy and even a hallmark of mental illness. You will have to learn now to take people's opinions with a grain of salt and how to understand them for exactly what they really are whether those opinions be positive or negative. People's motivations are often not right. Most people aren't even aware of what is actually fueling opinions and judgements they make. You have to be wise enough to see past the opinion to the person and what function that opinion likely plays. I know it is hard. You have to make some solid determinations, even talk to your partner about this as he may have some insights to offer you. On the basis of that, you will know whether this kind of a relationship or this person is healthy for you. Take good care and live your own life.
lovingpet
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