Death/Sickness in families

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FangsNfeet -> Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 12:52:17 AM)
I remember attending my first funeral at the age of four. It was my grand father on my moms side. Since then, there have been small waves of death in my family including great grand parents, great uncles/aunts. Now sickness is moving down the family tree. Both my Grand Parents on my Dads side are ill. Granny has parkinsons, stroks, short term memory loss, and is confinded to a wheel chair. Grand Daddy is going through some minor heart blockages, and inactive TB with only one lung due to cancer. Moving on down my Dad and three Uncles are all on BP, Arthritis, and Cholesterol medication. My mom is still doing good but my aunt is having blood clots and after smoking since the age of 13, my uncles has emphazyma. Seeing those closest in your family die is something most of us can relate to. It can make us think when will be we next or even when we will become the oldest person of the family. Anyhow, preparing for these situations are a good thing to think about. The earlier someone sees death, the sooner it can be excepted/understood and can help us move on. A friend of mine in her early 20's just lost her Grandfather. Growing up, she never had anyone die. Her grandfather is the first family member that has ever died. After battleing out some depression and anxiety, she's now spending more time with her family. She now realizes that loved ones are going to die one day.

mnottertail -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 6:49:41 AM)
If a man live; it is a certainty he will die. The older we get, the older everyone gets, accidents not withstanding, older people die more often. I am perplexed by many peoples reticence to discuss death or forsee it or to pretend that they shall live forever. Ron (I don't wanna talk about it does not scare the boogey man.)

ownedgirlie -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 7:48:43 AM)
quote: (I don't wanna talk about it does not scare the boogey man.) Death is a terrifying subject for a lot of people. The idea of a loved one permanently removed from their lives is too much to consider. my mother is very much this way, and now having to truly face it with the very recent death of her brother/best friend, and with my Dad, who is quite ill. There has been a wave of loss in my world recently. i was never exposed to a funeral until in my 20s, but i did hear about death, and understood what it was. my first funeral was my 1 year old nephew. It is an amazing emotional experience to grieve yet be a comfort to others. The most recent loss was an uncle in Spain, whom i was very close to. i called him to say goodbye - a most difficult phone call. We held a memorial for him here and i did not want to go; i didn't think i could handle it. Once there, i realized i could gain strength and comfort from those around me, and could be a comfort to others while in my own pain. It was a bond of family, to share funny and loving stories of him...it brought him right in the room with us and was a beautiful moment. i was grateful my Master "encouraged" me to go. :)

RosaB -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 1:46:28 PM)
Ah the glories of death. As it is said, once you are born, surely you will die. No way to escape, so best to try and live the best live you can. There was a time I wasn't as sympathetic to others who, I so unrightfully felt wallowed too long in the pain of loss of family members. I used to think, well, the deceased are probably in a better place and they no longer suffer from whatever ails them, so its time to get on with living in the now and be present with the living. I managed to pull myself, my emotions and heal quickly after my mothers death. Again I healed quickly when my father died 8 years after my mother's death. But, then about four years later when my brother and five months to my brother's death my sister died a horrible death, I must say, I never completely healed. And so 8 more years passed and my oldest sister was laid to rest as well and a year later my youngest sister covered with the earths soil there's just no getting over it, you learn to deal with it, but the fight in you isn't what it was when you lose the people you turn to talk to day to day and they no longer are there. I personally no longer live day to day in the pain of it. I myself don't fear death nor do I long for it, I just know that it awaits me at some point and I'm ok with that. Death I'm not scared of it. Frankly, I'm selfish, I would have prefered it claimed me before it claimed my siblings. Yeah, it really sucks watching all your loved ones die one by one, even more when most were still in the prime of their lives.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 2:37:53 PM)
There is no "proper" way to grieve. Everyone has their own time frame. i remember being told, 4 months after my mother-in-law died (i was closer to her than my own mother) that i need to "get over it." Wallowing is one thing - that is where depression sets in. But grief remains as long as it needs to, and stirkes unexpectedly. People do not simply "get over it." Watching those around us die is the painful part. They may have been taken early; they may have ended a long suffering, but it is we who are left behind, living our lives with the void they once filled. i don't think you ever stop missing someone. The void simply becomes incorporated into your life and you learn to live with it. The key is to remain focused on the living, and on the here & now, and to be grateful for the gift of having those people in your life to begin with. i am sorry for the losses you have suffered.

windy135 -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 2:41:13 PM)
"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form." ~The Rumi I've already decided I want to come back as a spider. Yep I'll be the spider on your dungeons ceiling, watching the scene. Or the one in the male shower room at the gym watching all those sweaty buff men shower themselves. Or I'll spin my web in a trashy hotel room,, think of all the possibilites. Oh it will be grand. On a serious note, working in a nursing home really helped me understand the meaning of death. A lesson I am greatful to have found.

mnottertail -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 2:50:03 PM)
I am over the fence, now. But I don't feel that way in my mind..... There are far more people I know that want done with it, than want to keep digging. My father, who is working on 89 real heavy is going to die of lung cancer within the year. (so, it takes two years, no matter, it is not fixable) Before he knew this, he has set up his estate, has wrote his own obituary (he is an A, for all of you who have followed my posts, lo these many days, and is a stickler fro correctness and will not brooke anyone having the last say). He was an Army/Airforce waistgunner in a B25. He is deathly afraid of fire, having seen many people burn in those planes. (there is more to this that I told someone I would like to think of as friend on this site.) anyway, at the time he dies, he is guarenteed one hour and will be cremated. He wants to get over the last hump. I like the Vik in it. Immolation, Ragnarok. In any case there are as many stories as there are people, out here in the big city. Ron

Rayne58 -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 2:59:11 PM)
My father died a year ago next week. He had been in poor health for many years, since 1981 in fact when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. The radiation treatment he underwent caused problems with colitis and he had many visits to hospital with pain and nausea. Feb 2003 he had a subdural brain bleed - a couple of months later he began having seizures and we almost lost him then. He fought back from that and was alert and functioning well, walking with a cane. Two weeks before Christmas 2004 he had another bleed, the doctors thought it was a stroke. He was unable to walk and was incontinent. My mother had cared for him for over 20 years but this time it was too much for her, her health wasn't great either (various aches and pains, high blood pressure). She reluctantly made the decision to put him in a nursing home. Two months later he died after going steadily downhill over that time. I am lucky I flew back from Australia to see him while he was still alert and functioning. I think it reassured him to see that his little girl was well and happy with the new life she had chosen[:)] And I got to tell him that I loved him.......The next trip back was to his funeral.[:(] My paternal grandfather I never knew, he died when I was 6 months old. Grandmother passed when I was a teenager. Maternal grandparents died within 5 years of each other, when I was married and had my own children. But I've never grieved as much for them as I have for my father, we were always close and I'm still telling Master things we used to do together or standing jokes in the family. Master reckons He would have got on well with my Dad, if they'd ever met. Even as I type this, I have wet eyes and a lump in my throat[&o]

LaMalinche -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/12/2006 5:18:20 PM)
While I rarely get this personal on these forums. . . here it goes. . . The most difficult grieving process that I have ever watched was when a good friend of mine's boyfriend shot himself. She was 21 or 22 at the time and they had been togeather since she was 14, and he was 15 or 16. They had been through a lot togeather, including her having an abortion. She was devestated. For a long time. The thing that really irked me was people telling her to get over it and move on after a short time (2 weeks to 2 months). Well, I had no idea what the appropriate time for grief should be in this circumstance. . . but I trust my older and wiser friends. I have a much older friend whose daughter had went through something similar (except in this case the guy shot himself infront of her). And so I went to him for advise. Okay. . okay. . . truth to be told. . . I explained what had happened and blunty asked him how long it had taken his daughter to get over it. He told me it had taken about three years. Armed with this "benchmark number," the next time I saw my friend crying (yep, once again she had been told "to get over it" and confided that she did not know how) I talked to her, and when she thanked me for never telling her "to get over it" I explained that I had talked to another friend whose daughter had went through something similar, and that if in three years she still felt this way, then I would have to be more of a hard-ass. I also offered to introduce her to him (yes, I had cleared this with him) if she wanted to talk. I am not sure if she ever did (I do know that I made sure that they were introduced non-threateningly). Then for the next couple years, I became the one she talked to about it. I watched her cry and rant and rave and do all of those other things that people do. I also had a "little chat" with those people that had been hardest on her about this. Well. . . happy ending. . . It ended up not taking the three years. She is happily partenered now. She is doing fantastic. (the suicide was a little over 5 years ago) But it drove me to distraction to watch people that were "suppose" to care about her, love her, be her friend, constantly hurt her, because of their own ideal "benchmark time-window" for grief. So. . . the lesson. . . You never know how long grief is going to take for someone. It is always better to back off saying "get over it" and give some time and companionship. BTW - if the person is exhibiting severe signs of mental illness - do SOMETHING. It may not be the right thing, but it is better than giving the cold-shouldar. ......................................... Now back to your regularly schedualed scarcastic LaMalinche. . . . Best. . . LaMalinche

JazzDaddy -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/13/2006 5:35:50 PM)
I can relate to what all of you have said, as about five years ago, I lost my father to kidney cancer. Like someone else already stated, there is no one way to grieve. For me, being a writer, one thing that helped tremendously was using poetry and other genres as a means to express all the darkness and gloom I was feeling inside. A couple of the things I wrote are actually on my blog on this site. I also used my music to help with a lot of that too. I don't think I ever really felt the 'blues' as much when I played as during that period. Finally, having a really good friend who was there for me (even though it was quite a distance away) was one of the best things that helped me after that time. Just having someone tell you that it's okay to cry and to feel down lifted me up from the low point I was at.

RosaB -> RE: Death/Sickness in families (3/13/2006 8:39:42 PM)
Your statements resonate with me 100 persent. My sister and brother that passed five months apart had birthdays that fell around the holidays. She on Jan 1st he on the 6th and for me the holiday season of '96-'97 were extremely difficult and I remember just sitting down and putting pen to paper, (okay that's a lie, it was fingers to keyboard), and just writing poetry to my sister and brother. Just purging, the tears flowed, but after, I felt such a weight lift off of my heart. It was truly cathartic. Writing used to serve me so well. quote: Like someone else already stated, there is no one way to grieve. For me, being a writer, one thing that helped tremendously was using poetry and other genres as a means to express all the darkness and gloom I was feeling inside. A couple of the things I wrote are actually on my blog on this site.

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