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"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country"
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
" play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. "
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing."
"I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
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The Wisdom of Steven Wright - 
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