Level
Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
|
The Five Stages of Drinking
-- by comedian Larry Miller
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave
because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another
round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to
yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level
two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking,
"Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers)
I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our
waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you
love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the
stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could
live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at
level three, that devil is a little bit bigger.... and he's buying. And
you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours
sleep... and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you
ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on
your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar.
Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy
is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to
leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ... after
hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself,
"Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may
as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't
mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll
turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31
hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back
at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you
and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have
been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where
even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at
nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this
point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and
you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your
friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!" -- and
passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part
of level five -- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never
do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way
to work, or jogging. And they look at you -- and they know. And they
say... "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all
night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over
30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer
then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!"
And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
|
Larry Miller's 5 Stages of Drinking - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread