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A False Sense of Security - 11/18/2009 10:36:06 PM

Rhodes85

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I was browsing through the site tonight and after viewing the profile of a particular sub, something occured to me. The sub in question mentioned in her profile that she would only consider a couple, rather than a single male or female, due to the fact that she believed it was a much safer situation than a single person would be. I thought about that for a moment and have come to the conclusion that her way of thinking could lead to a serious false sense of security. Think about it, how much safer are you really with a two rather than a single person? Sure, a single person could easily turn out to be some crazy psychopath that might harm you, but its not all that unlikely that two people would be any different. The more I thought about it the more I came to believe that a belief that a person is safer serving a couple rather than an individual, could easily lead to - aside from a false sense of security, the sub potentially overlooking potential warning signs based on the belief that because there is another person involved, he or she would be safe from harm. Not that this applies to me or anything, as I am not a sub, nor would I be in such a situation. I just find it a concern that others, particularly subs, should take into account.

So does anyone have any thoughts on this?

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/18/2009 10:51:26 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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It occurs to me that any woman who has ever been raped would seriously disagree with you.

Your logic seems to stand however, people to prey on safety are rarely logical thinkers and that is how they prey.

Pass her by and find a new one you just don't have what she is looking for which is apparently a vagina in addition to you tool kit.

QSM

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/18/2009 11:25:30 PM

Rhodes85

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Hmm I think you misunderstood what I meant. I was referring to the context of bdsm and an 'ownership' situation that comes out of meeting the couple on a site like this one. In that two people gives a general sense of security and safety moreso than one person.

'Pass her by and find a new one you just don't have what she is looking for which is apparently a vagina in addition to you tool kit. '

I wasn't interested in that person, that profile just happened to get me thinking on the this particular subject.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/18/2009 11:26:00 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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From a security standpoint, I can see why a "couple" may present a "safer" environment, as there are already some established roots, stability, and a sense of permanence, so to speak. However, from an EMOTIONAL standpoint (where one is seeking a bond), it may not be "safer" (emotionally), as the third runs the risk of remaining just that... the "third".

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 12:33:24 AM

Llyren

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I'm of two minds on this. On the one hand, an established couple might be safer, as they have ties to one another, and perhaps their community. But on the other hand, there are two of them, so you're a bit outnumbered, if you decide you don't like it. And there have been some pretty vicious serial killers who were married couples. On the third hand, (okay, I don't have one, but I do know where I can buy a jello mold that will make me one) most women are more in danger from just one single man, than from a couple.

What people need to do is use common sense and get to know someone before leaping off into their homes or bed or whathaveyou. Though we all know that isn't likely to start being the norm any time soon.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 2:34:35 AM

allthatjaz

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I think there are risks to any of this and it could be just as risky with a couple as it could be with a single person. We only have to look at people like Bradey & Hindley or the West family (both couples murdered for sexual gratification) to see that psychopaths do team up.
Steve and me seem to be fairly popular with single fem subs but I think that we are possibly picked out because we are known on the scene and its not difficult for a sub to check on us and find a good and healthy reputation. We are equally cautious because we value our reputation.
I do however think that a clever psychopath and lets face it most psychopaths can appear perfectly normal and even loving, could coerce a partner into doing something violent with another partner to aid his kicks.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 3:30:20 AM

Llyren

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True, look at Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo. You can't assume a couple is safer than one man, though the odds are in your favour. I'm still standing behind the 'don't rush into anything' theory.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 7:18:04 AM

lovingpet

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Again it comes down to the people. Plain and simple. It always does. It doesn't matter their genders, sexual orientation, social status, relationship status, or anything else. Good people will do right by me as much as they are capable and bad people will hurt me as much as they possibly get away with. It is the same reason I don't put a whole lot of faith in things like safewords, safe calls, or other such things. In the end, they are only going to be as effective as the person they are being used with. If I am tied up and being beaten and I call a safeword and the person chooses to disregard it and even snap and slit my throat, it doesn't much matter that I had a safeword. On the other hand, like my partner, the person may well have stopped things on their own if they saw signs of unacceptable distress. There are lots of things that give people false senses of security in all kinds of areas of life. This is no different. Now, however, the ante is doubled. The person had better hope they are right about the character of this "safe" couple.

lovingpet

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 7:48:33 AM

LaTigresse

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I think it depends on what the individual means by the words, safe and secure.

Some will see it as primarily financial. Others will see an established home. Yet others will think of safety against physical harm.

On the surface my situation looks like a pretty mundane, long term, vanilla hetro couple type household. Some might find security in that. Others might find security in the fact that the property itself is an owned residence in reasonably good condition and constantly improving. Others might see the bigger, loving, family circle and see security there. And yet others might see the long term jobs, service to country, etc etc etc and find security in that. And yet another might just think that it is a reasonably safe place to live with guard animals, a retired military person to back up the barking, and a locking door.

So, too many variables to know what appeals to one person about that image in their head without asking them.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 8:23:58 AM

LPslittleclip

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the probability of the situation is more likely to be safer as seen by the cautious ones, safty in numbers and all. there are those as previous posts have mentioned that are bad. for the new person in the dynamic it is importaint to ask questions and get feedback on the prospective partners. go to public events and public play places participate on board discussions. as a nurse i would understand how it would feel safer to have 2 instaed of 1 in a relationship for protection. if they are just blindly looking then it will be a false sense of security and could be detrimential to the person.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 11:58:24 AM

DesFIP

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I would feel physically safer meeting a strange couple but emotionally safer meeting a strange single male. But if she's looking for stability, as it sounds to me, she may assume a strong relationship is more likely to be stable.

It depends what she meant by safe.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 12:10:58 PM

afterforever

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I'm going on a date with a (hopefully) lovely couple next week. It's not like I feel particularly unsafe with anyone I meet but I'm still meeting them in a public place, no intentions of going back to their house, yada yada, same as I would do if I was meeting a single man. Unless they're REALLY hot...

Socially I guess I'm feeling a little less secure because I haven't had that much contact with the woman yet, possible awkward poly issues to sort out, I don't know yet. So yeah, depends what you mean by safe.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 2:31:54 PM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

It occurs to me that any woman who has ever been raped would seriously disagree with you.

It occurs to me that you would be incorrect.

Cali

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 4:10:21 PM

wisdomtogive

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OP, i wouldn't think a couple would bring me security, but i can understand it for others. I do understand the concept of false security. In my case false security meant a Dom who was close to my age or older, I'm 58, and would be past certain stages, like lying, etc. I found considering someone in their late 50's or older to be a false security, and one I will never hold dear to me a gain.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/19/2009 5:37:08 PM

DomImus

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I always marvel at the measures people put in place to protect themselves in these liaisons. I understand the intent but I would question the logic and intellect of anyone who really feels these things will protect them. If someone has no intention of harming you then you are not in peril. If their ultimate intention is to harm you then ultimately they will. These measures may slow them down a bit but that's the best you can hope for. If your destiny is a body bag then all the safe calls and first time meets in public and all that jazz are only minor obstacles.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/20/2009 11:34:46 AM

aldompdx

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Safety is less about real fact, and more about feeling. The way the U.S. government deals with airport "security theater" is a perfect example. It is primarily a show, so voters ultimately feel a certain way about their politicians.

If people were concerned about the real fact of safety, they would be far more concerned with 100 U.S. deaths every day from automobile accidents, than with ZERO deaths from U.S. airline accidents for the two years of 2007-2008. Observe what people prefer to watch on the television news, and what the news networks show to obtain higher ratings.

The issue is not whether the subject of your story actually is safer, but whether she feels safer. It's not about what is in the rational head, it is about what is in the irrational heart. That is only understood with empathy.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/21/2009 7:10:16 PM

antipode

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quote:

Think about it, how much safer are you really with a two rather than a single person?

Umm, statistically she is correct, as you could have easily found out by perusing FBI crime statistics. Other than that, the point is as moot as trying to predict whether you'll get swine flu, or on exactly what day you will die. It is the age old discussion about the value of Mean Time Between Failures statistics in engineering - the correct way of looking at risk is that something will go wrong on Thanksgiving at 2am, or tomorrow morning, and most likely both. That is what you prepare for, be it with one, two, or 1,234 people. Dems da rulez

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/21/2009 7:17:42 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

I thought about that for a moment and have come to the conclusion that her way of thinking could lead to a serious false sense of security.

Agreed. People try to come up with formulas to protect themselves rather than use their judgement, intuition and take their time. Astute observation!

- LA

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/21/2009 11:34:12 PM

Elipsis

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I think that part of it is that since most people are in one on one relationships, most fucked up shit happens in one on one settings.

Since most of the news stories you hear about are of the most common scenario, people get the impression that one on one Internet dating is less safe. Does this have any basis in reality? You'd have to do some statistics to find out the incident rate of sexual assault in polyamorous situations and run that against the incident rate in monogamous situations... I would wager that bad things happen less frequently with multiple parties only due to the fact that it is statistically more unlikely to run into two crazy people at once than one. I'm sure it's difficult for aspiring serial killers out there to... ya know... find each other and start working together, so for that reason alone I would think that most of the psychotically violent and unsafe people are single.

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RE: A False Sense of Security - 11/22/2009 2:03:54 AM

NihilusZero

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It would seem statistical odds are with her view. The likelihood that a psychopath has found another psychopath with which to share his/her overt dementia is much less than just the likelihood of someone being a psychopath.

On the flip side, though, the odds of her finding compatibility in a relationship are doubled in difficulty.

Lower chance of risk, lower chance of reward.

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