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RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/27/2009 4:56:35 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

When does being needed end and neediness begin?



I think that happens when the dom and the sub are a bad fit.

In most cases that I've seen, there's almost no level of neediness that a submissive person can exhibit that won't find its counterpart in a dominant person somewhere who wants to quench that particular level or quality of need. The trick always is in finding that right person and not thinking you're bad or a freak because someone else doesn't want to meet your needs. I have a lot of experience with this! :p

In some rare situations, someone's neediness is so tied up with emotional or mental illness that the results are always destructive, whether the needs are met or not, but it's extremely difficult to judge when this is the case. The problem is that the way such a submissive reacts with one dominant isn't necessarily the way she or he will react with another dominant. There's an interplay between the two people and sometimes that dialectic brings out the worst in a person; sometimes it brings out the best. Emotional illness can definitely be situational--take a person out of the situation that's bringing out their worst behaviors, and they're fine. But because people tend to blame the other for failures that happen between both of them, or as a result of both of them acting like themselves, a sub will often hear that s/he is sick or wrong or too this or too that, rather than a more honest assessment: we just weren't right for each other.

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(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/27/2009 7:28:44 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		Do you ever get tired of being needed?  Do I ever get tired of having someone there who'll support me, who believes in my decisions and my abilities and has faith in me and who I am? Nope. Not at all.

Does it get difficult holding the reins? Of course it does. Sometimes things come along that a combination of Da Vinci, Einstein, Gandhi and a ouija board couldn't solve.Sometimes you're so stressed out you think you're going to pop. Being dominant doesn't mean you're an inhuman, untouchable, infallible Man of Steel - no matter what some Doms try and make themselves believe. The fact that a situation is stressful or unpleasant or difficult to handle doesn't mean I'd feel more comfortable if someone else was handling it - in many, possibly most, circumstances, that would make me feel less comfortable. You do the best you can with what you've got.

Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away!  Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ? Yep. Sometimes, I have. There have been moments when I was tired or burnt out or whatever and I really just need some alone time. There have been moments when a sub brought me something that I really felt was something they should be addressing themselves. Over time, in a successful relationship, I think these things work themselves out and a comfortable pattern develops - so that each party understands what the other's needs, wants and tolerances are regarding attention, involvement and consideration - and what levels various decisions get made at and what the comfort zone is for independent action vs. reference to authority.

Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft? Actually no - that's exactly when I want to be the strong one.

How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables?  And why? I do the best I can with what I've got. Sometimes I put some things on hold so I can focus on others I deem more important.  Sometimes I just let things slide with the thought that left alone they'll come out okay without my involvement. Sometimes I delegate. Sometimes I jump around like the proverbial one-legged man at the ass-kicking contest. It's no different than how I handle things at work when multiple issues in multiple departments arise. You juggle as fast as you can - if all the balls are still in the air and the circus wagon is still rolling - things are okay.

Why? I derive immense personal satisfaction out of it, I suppose. Why do anything?

When does being needed end and neediness begin? Being needed is about us. Being needy is about yourself. Sometimes it can take a while to discern the difference in someone. I think that someone who is innately needy all the time wouldn't make someone else feel needed, eventually they'd feel used.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Thank you for considering....


You're welcome. Hope this helped.


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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/27/2009 8:58:00 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:


Do you ever get tired of being needed?
Yes, I do. Thankfully, it isnt often. However, the stresses of being needed can get to me. Fox needs me, but not in a helpless-without-you way. My family, however, has a major dependency problem that my mother is just starting to get out of now that I am married.

quote:


Does it get difficult holding the reins?
It can, yes. Making all the decisions can be tiring. I do it, and wouldnt give it up for anything, but every now and again I need to step back and say "the world will not end if I dont control everything that goes on today."

quote:


Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away!  Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ? 
No, I never want to put him in that sort of a position. I do tell him to go play his games if I need some me time, but I would never send him away just so I can refocus.

quote:


Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft?
No. I am the strong one. It is who I am, not what I do.

quote:


How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables?  And why?
I dont. I dont manage ALL of the decisions, or ALL of the variables. Only the important ones. There is always going to be things I cannot reign in. No matter how hard I try, the entire universe does not submit to my will and it is far better for my sanity not to try and fret over little things I cannot control. I manage the important parts of Fox and my day to day life. He can handle smaller decisions when I ask him to. I do it becasue it is who I am. I am a natural leader, I do not work well when someone else has control of situations. I like to know what is being done, when and how and what the expected outcome is. I can get these answers better by doing it all myself. Luckily I met someone who was interested in letting someone else handle everything, and who enjoys the relative ignorance of just having the information I think is necessary for him to know rather than the minute facts of everything that goes on.

quote:


When does being needed end and neediness begin?
Neediness begins when the ability to do for yourself vanishes. It is one thing to need someone, to willingly give up doing certain things for yourself. It is quite another to lose the ability to do things for yourself and be completely dependent on someone else to do them for you.

DV

< Message edited by VampiresLair -- 11/27/2009 9:00:24 PM >

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/28/2009 2:12:59 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello!

Really interesting question - and I suspect (having pondered the questions that I'm not the kind of Dom who'd be good in that 24/7



quote:

Do you ever get tired of being needed?

Difficult one... basically.. For me,  it's nice to be needed, but you can have too much of a good thing..

I'm not attracted to needy people... so it's nice to be needed by someone who isn't needy.

I'm sure there are some Doms that need to be needed  - Which is neediness in itself.

quote:



Does it get difficult holding the reins?


I wouldn't choose to hold the reins 24/7 - DS is a part of me, it's by no means all of me. In most of my relationships there's been an ever present undertone of D/S, but I wouldn't enjoy holding the reins all the time - because I wouldn't enjoy being submitted to by someone who needed that. I hasten to add that I'm not saying that subs who do need that are in anyway inferior - just that they wouldn't be a good match for me.

quote:


Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away! Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ?


Yes I have wanted to say this, and in one case soon after wanting to say it, I ended the relationship. Not because she wasn't lovely, but because she wasn't right for me.

The second time it happened (perhaps because I was older and a little wiser?) I decided to help my partner have the confidence to handle situations herself.. acting as a guide.

quote:


Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft?


Oh sure! But, if someone has placed that much trust in you (and you've accepted it!)  then I would feel a responsibility to be strong for my partner.

quote:


How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables? And why?


I simply wouldn't - again, micromanagement may be fab for some Doms and Subs, just not my cuppa - The best leadership is about what to delegate and what not to - So she can choose her shoes, but I'll choose her knickers ;-)
quote:

When does being needed end and neediness begin?

For me - and this is very personal - I wouldn't he happy if I thought that my partner couldn't function well without me. Part of the responsibility I feel when with a partner - even in a D/s context - is to help my partner grow.

So in your case - if I were your Dom partner (and I'm not trolling I promise - this is hypothetical) - I'd want to help you be a giraffe... because the stronger and more independent you are, the more of a gift your submission would become.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 1:42:22 AM   
domrader


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:



Do you ever get tired of being needed?

No. I sometimes wonder why someone could ever need me but i live to be needed.  I guess i have a hero complex

Does it get difficult holding the reins?

No, its what I almost live for

Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away!  Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ?

Yes sometimes but I almost never will instead i will encourage the sub to take a try at it themselves.  Some subs are not what I would call a whole person.  I suppose the joy of being a sub is submitting and letting someone else be in control.  In turn those kind of subs I try to flesh out the person that is there.  The person that i know has likes and dislikes and opinions and ideas.


Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft?

I realize that even around my parents, I am a leader or dom even tho that is weird to say.  I help them by mediating when there is the rare problem that they cant resolve themselves.  I level out my fathers bad moods and irrational thoughts.  I realize that when things get really really bad someday I am the one everyone I know will lean on.  Does that mean I am an island that can hold all of this.  No, I will and do feel lost or soft myself sometimes but I have gotten to the point where all I need to fix that is me so I will always be the strong for the sake of those that I care about

How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables?  And why?

I dont micromanage. I fly by the seat of my pants.  My roommate will ask me, when I have gone back to my parents for the weekend, when will you be back a couple days into the stay.  My answer, "IDK" I dont plan I go off my intuiton.  The variables constantly change and will always change the plan so why make it before you need it.  And why, thats just the way I am

When does being needed end and neediness begin?

Its a fine line and its a matter of perspective.  That one is hard to answer

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 2:16:48 AM   
suzybeth


Posts: 236
Joined: 8/31/2005
From: NC
Status: offline 		Something that still haunts me to this day is what my ex told me at the beginning of our budding relationship.

"I don't want to be needed, but, I need to be wanted"

If I had paid much closer attention to what he was really saying, it could have probably saved a lot of heartache.

_____________________________

quote:

"Well behaved women rarely make history" Laurel Thatcher

quote:

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." William Congreve

quote:

"You are not an escape in my hell" ~Me

(in reply to domrader)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 5:41:15 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hey there everybody,
Great answers, and I appreciate them so much.

DV - you know I love you to pieces (and Fox too!).  Having personally witnessed countless times of you being "in charge", I must say your answers had me nodding saying yep yep yep.

And to the other folks - welcome to the boards.  Great posts! 

Y'all are fabulous!
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 5:55:58 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		sunshinemiss
Thank you for asking questions that i myself have been pondering lately. You asked them so well and were well thought out. The replys you received have been wonderful answers to my own questions, and i have presented the same question to my boyfriend.

Thank you;)
wisdomtogive

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 5:35:49 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Ooh, Sunshine- I have asked Master many similar questions. Just as He spends hours roaming the halls of my mind, I sometimes like to find out what's in His. (And sometimes He even will answer my questions! Other times He changes the subject....)

It's fascinating to look at the "other side of the kneel". I can understand intellectually, but emotionally, the whole D thing eludes me.

And, for all the D-types who have answered, thank you for your insights, introspection and honesty.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 6:54:51 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		I've never seen so much agreement in a post.
Good questions... Shows why it's more important to be compatible, as opposed to being similar.

(in reply to hejira92)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 7:17:34 PM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Great questions. Have some answers
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Do you ever get tired of being needed?

No. My girl is stubbornly independent sometimes, especially when her black dog is barking. Times like that, I wish she'd show how much she needs me. I know she does, but she has terrible trouble showing it.

quote:

Does it get difficult holding the reins?

No, for me it's kinda natural

quote:

Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away!  Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ?

No again, I can't afford to, I'm in charge. That doesn't change just because I don't feel like it.

quote:

Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft?

Those are the times I need to be the strong one, so I am.

quote:

How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables?

Preparation, forward thinking, reference to past experience, knowing my girl inside and out and research.

quote:

And why?

Because that's the responsibility I took on when I put the collar around her neck.

quote:

When does being needed end and neediness begin?

This one stumps me. I wish I did know. I do get needy sometimes, or at least I feel the intense need to have her close and just be held, or some other expression of tenderness and togetherness. It's rarely a Master/slave thing at that point, we were together for 8 years before I collared her, so a lot of what we do can easily be classed as regular "couples" stuff.


_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 8:39:13 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline 		Do you ever get tired of being needed?
No. The fact that a woman such as mine needs me is actually humbling at times. On the other hand, I am a bit of a narcissist, so her needing me feeds that part of me. And just for the record...I need her too.

Does it get difficult holding the reins?
If I said no I'd be lying. Sure it does. When life gets in the way of living sometimes it gets difficult. But it's the way I want it. I actually enjoy the responsibility and wouldn't have it any other way.

Don't you ever want to just say - "Go away! Geesh go take care of it yourself!" ?
No. As I said above, I enjoy the responsibility. I will at times help her take care of things that I believe would be best handled by her, or things that are her responsibility. (Her family, her kids, her career etc...) In those cases I'll offer advice if/when needed. She can take care of herself. That's one of the many things that make me as proud of her as I am, but at the end of the day we're in a relationship together. Key word there being..."together." I do rule our relationship, and there are times when I do so by supporting her decisions and standing beside her.
"Go away! Geesh go take care of it yourself!" No. We'll have none of that. I love her too much to push her away like that.

Is there a time when you don't want to be the strong one when your partner is feeling lost or soft?
No. That's especially the time that I'm supposed to be strong. Not because I'm a Dominant, but because I'm a man.
Having said that...there have been times when I was the one who needed her strength, like when I was crying my eyes out at a dear friend's funeral. She was there for me. As I said above, we're in a relationship together. We're both strong for each other when each of us needs it.

How do you do it - how do you manage all the decisions, all the variables? And why?
I consider her opinion and/or point of view, I weigh the options, consider the "variables," and make the final decisions. Sometimes her opinion and/or point of view makes a difference, sometimes not. Most times my decisions are the right ones, sometimes not. Nobody's perfect.
And why? Once again, I enjoy the responsibility.

When does being needed end and neediness begin?
Needed is when someone feels that you compliment their life.
Neediness is when someone doesn't have a life and feels that you can/should replace it.


_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 11/30/2009 11:42:37 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuffkinks
When does being needed end and neediness begin?
Needed is when someone feels that you compliment their life.
Neediness is when someone doesn't have a life and feels that you can/should replace it.


I like this distinction!

(in reply to Cuffkinks)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 12/1/2009 9:30:52 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		... and just like that, after reading this thread, Humiliation goes on my list of hard-limits.
Good to know. I was just stating to relax- now I'm petrified and full of doubts again.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 12/1/2009 10:31:21 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Excuse my response. I hit the back button before trying to post elsewhere. I'm sorry.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Needing... vs. neediness - 12/16/2009 1:18:57 PM   
masterdstar


Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Often times "subs" get it more than Doms, it's in the nature of the beast.
That's why so many times subs get let down, they hear what they want to hear and there are so many happy to tell them so if it gets them what THEY want.
Needs must be met, neediness is still about wants.
Wants get in the way of needs.
That's the trouble with a "script". If you are playing a movie in your head only you see, welllllllll..................

Enjoy your wonder-filled day

< Message edited by masterdstar -- 12/16/2009 1:19:31 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 36
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