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RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 7:55:53 AM   
sweetlindsey84


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		yes there is a large age difference I am 25 he is 41.  I am not the first girl he has dated since separating with his exwife.  I think I am the third or fourth.  There is some things trying to be worked out with there divorce without having to have an expensive divorce so i guess it is a delicate situation.  while I didn't like having to be hidden i sort of understand the reason.  He says now that she knows I am here it won't be such a big deal for her to know. 

(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 7:59:13 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

He says now that she knows I am here it won't be such a big deal for her to know.


For your sake, I hope that's true and it works out

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 8:09:28 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with Pixie and Des. Just becuase the divorce hasnt been filed for doesnt mean hes still in relationship to his ex. i have been in that situation for 5 years and it is purely financial. however, the fact that he didnt tell the ex would raise red flags to me. My ex has actually known everything going on in my love life and we have both been supportive of the others seperate life.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:07:17 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

Why do you have to let every one know you're a couple instantly, I see nothing wrong with holding off for a while, specially for the sake of your son who may not even know you're dating yet, let alone having her live in.

I wouldn't do it indefinably, but I would put up with it for a while.



Well said that woman!
I have been reading through the responses and shaking my head in disbelief. Who the hell are we to tell the op that its all depressing news and its all going to end in tears?!?!
It is far more likely that dad is trying to protect his son and protecting his son may need to include not telling his ex.... for the moment. Ok they have been together more or less for a year but only lived together for 4 days up until the visit. That is very early days for a full on relationship.
None of us but them know how the son took the split. I know my partners children took a long time to forgive their dad for the split from their mum and he protected them and himself to some extent by a slow introduction to me, his new partner.
If thats the case then I have nothing but respect for the ops partner.

I will also say that I was split from my husband for 4 years before I asked for a divorce. It was partly lazy on my part but it was also because he took it so badly for so long that I just didn't want to add fuel to the fire. My children were very vulnerable to his emotions and things needed to settle (no matter about time) before I felt comfortable going ahead.

I don't read in the ops questions that she is having problems with her partners past relationship. I read that she is having problems with the D/s dynamic or lack of it.
To the op I would say, give it time. He has just spent a traumatic 4 days trying to keep everyone happy and its probably been a huge stress to him.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 11/20/2009 10:09:51 AM >

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(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:13:57 AM   
sweetlindsey84


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		thank you all that.  That is more of what my question was pertaining to.  All other aspects of our relationship are pretty solid i just felt bad because i guess i stopped feeling as much like his slave or sumthing.. and i wasn't sure what to do... fyi since writing this things have gotten much better.... we have talked...  and i am happy

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:22:41 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84

yes there is a large age difference I am 25 he is 41.  I am not the first girl he has dated since separating with his exwife.  I think I am the third or fourth.  There is some things trying to be worked out with there divorce without having to have an expensive divorce so i guess it is a delicate situation.  while I didn't like having to be hidden i sort of understand the reason.  He says now that she knows I am here it won't be such a big deal for her to know. 


I'll apologize in advance in case I am misunderstanding.  Did you not say they have been separated for a year, and not filed? Did you also not say that you have been getting to know him for about a year?  And now you're not the first girl he's dated post break up? When did he date these other ppl? In like a month?  Not good.

Sweetie you are TOO YOUNG to have to deal with this bullshit.  Frankly, I think you deserve someone closer to your age.  Flame away everyone else if you must, but I think a young attractive 25 year old woman can do better than a 41 year old with divorce/child baggage and drama.  Let me tell you, that stuff does NOT go away. 

I dated a man who was my age, but had a kid with a raving lunatic at 17.  By the time he and I got together, the kid was 13.  I had serious trepidations about this, but my concerns were always about how the kid and I would get along.  Well, that was NO problem, she loved me, adored me, and I had a great relationship with her.  What WAS the problem was watching my man act like a spineless jackass every time this bitch of an ex demanded money, refused his visitation, put the poor kid in the middle, etc.  Meanwhile, I'm standing on the sidelines, full of impotent fury at both of them, HER for being such a psycho, and him for being such a pussy about the whole thing. 

I don't know either of the people involved, but it may be that your signif. other is trying not to "rock the boat" with the divorce looming and child support/visitation all up in the air. And with good reason.  A spiteful angry and vindictive ex can rake you over the coals 8 ways to Tuesday should they decide to. But the thing is, even after the divorce is final, that's still a distinct possibility, it does not go away.  If you don't believe me, check out a website called "steptalk" you won't believe the horror stories there.

You have a long life ahead of you, why sign on to deal with someone elses's drama????  He's made his mistakes, let them be his, you should not have to pay for them.  Find someone your age who can give you what you deserve. 


_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:31:35 AM   
sweetlindsey84


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		well when we met we were just friends and he was talking to other people (and so was I) we didn't really get together till about 2 months ago...we never really stopped talking though...   I don't think im burning or flaming anyone I just think maybe some of you don't understand the whole story.  If I am flaming or burning anyone I truly do appologize 

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:34:29 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		Nope, that's why I apologized, I'm drawing facts from multiple posts and putting them together, its easy to get confused.  

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:36:12 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		Oh and I was indicating I might get flamed for my assertion that you should find someone closer to your age, I know that's not always a popular opinion, ah but that's the joy of msg boards, everyone's entitled to theirs! 

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 10:43:07 AM   
sweetlindsey84


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		I like older men..... guys i've dated my age are usually immature and not ready for commitment or already married lol

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 3:24:30 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Wow - the definition of irony is .............................................

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 4:01:20 PM   
sweetlindsey84


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline 		yeah but i don't consider master married even if legally he is... I know lots of people that stay sepperated for a long time without getting divorced

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 4:06:51 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		De Nile isn't just a river in Egypt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 5:41:44 PM   
dualityinmotion


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline 		Not going to comment on the situation he is in. Just be careful and look out for yourself a little extra until you feel on firm ground that you can trust him. That has to come first.

Regarding your question about your dynamic and feelings...this slave definitely had something like that happen. Although it was viewed as the vanilla girlfriend by Master's teens when they were present (we are each long divorced and together over some time as well but long-distance)... when we move from being around vanillas where it banters and speaks with some authority on some topics to the Master/slave dynamic with only other M/s friends around, this slave had trouble being in the right mindset to accept pain or even serve with humility. it was like it lost its mental footing. it actually led to inappropriate behavior and ego-driven rebellion at one point. it looks back on that now with embarrassment, but the truth is, it didn't see it coming at all. One minute we were at dinner, discussing who had the most post-graduate degrees and the next it was tied to a rafter and taking a beating for which it felt unprepared.

What it has learned is that it needs transition time, mentally, to focus, or re-focus itself. It's just part of living this duality sometimes. it needs quiet time alone, preferably naked and on the floor somewhere, to just meditate on its service and obedience to Master...and then it's "itself" again and ready to serve in any way He wants.

Even though he may be an experienced master, he may not have dealt with someone of your sensitive nature, etc., and he may need to learn the intricacies of handling you through transitions.

it strongly encourages talking to him as calmly and openly as possible about how you feel (less submissive?) and when that started, and possibly suggest some rituals or behaviors that might help You (and him) to refocus after "vanilla only" time. For this slave, it's meditation, and sometimes being ordered to kneel or worship His feet, etc. that just puts it "home" again. For you two, it may be totally different behaviors, but if you talk it out you may come up with your recipe for success.

Good luck,
duality

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: what happened - 11/20/2009 5:55:54 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Sweetie you are TOO YOUNG to have to deal with this bullshit.  Frankly, I think you deserve someone closer to your age.  Flame away everyone else if you must, but I think a young attractive 25 year old woman can do better than a 41 year old with divorce/child baggage and drama.  Let me tell you, that stuff does NOT go away. 


I wont flame you HisSweetElysium, but i was 26 and late hubby was 40, and we dealt with divorce, his child, ex etc. and lasted 29 yrs in marriage..until he died. What can work for one might not for another, but no one knows what will be, and our experiences are only our own..and do not cover the whole.

OP...am glad you two are communicating. Been there and though wasn't a BDSM relationship, it was confusing in the beginning. take it one day at a time and keep communicating.

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to dualityinmotion)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: what happened - 11/21/2009 7:53:46 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84

Ok so I recentlly moved in with my master and we had about 4 days together before we had some house guests that couldn't even know we were together yet.  During this time we obviously weren't able to be in our normal roles.  So we just kinda acted like friends.  Now that the guests are gone it doesn't feel like he is exerting the same kind of control over me and i feel kinda depressed or sumthing.  I tried to tell him how i feel but im not even sure why i feel like I do or what to say to him i just feel like im missing something or something was taken away and it makes me sad.  Does what im saying make any sense to anyone?  does anyone know what i should do? 


it's not the wife or the kid that's the problem, it's the fact that you moved in together and the honeymoon stage of your relationship is over. he courted you, he gained ownership of you, you moved in with him and now, welcome to the typical scenario of 'i've got what i wanted and now i don't have to work to keep her here'...

people get lazy when they get everything their way.

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: what happened - 11/22/2009 4:33:40 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84

Ok so I recentlly moved in with my master and we had about 4 days together before we had some house guests that couldn't even know we were together yet.  During this time we obviously weren't able to be in our normal roles.  So we just kinda acted like friends.  Now that the guests are gone it doesn't feel like he is exerting the same kind of control over me and i feel kinda depressed or sumthing.  I tried to tell him how i feel but im not even sure why i feel like I do or what to say to him i just feel like im missing something or something was taken away and it makes me sad.  Does what im saying make any sense to anyone?  does anyone know what i should do? 


You need to figure out if he is acting deferrently or if you are. If my submissive had voiced those concerns I would have investigated the situation and resolved it, did your dominant inquire or make any comments?

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 11/22/2009 4:34:34 PM >

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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: what happened - 11/22/2009 4:57:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch

Why would one move in with another who for whatever reason has to hide the fact that you are a couple? That strikes me as a serious lack of commitment.


Visitation rights.

If the not yet ex knows he's into bdsm, she could present him and the op as immoral people and prevent him from having any visitation rights.

_____________________________

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(in reply to whiteslavebitch)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: what happened - 11/22/2009 5:02:36 PM   
VeeTee


Posts: 45
Joined: 7/25/2009
Status: offline 		I always find it interesting how these threads start out with a clear question from the OP then can veer in a topical direction that really wasn't the original issue. Sometimes i find it interesting. Sometimes confusing. Sometimes just kind of irritating.

SweetLindsey, married, divorced, age difference, lying, not lying....i don't know nothing about all that. But it sounds like you finally got around to talking, talking with your Master and that is, of course, the only way to work through the sadness you were feeling. I think when there is a forced change in the dynamic, as you had right after moving in with each other, it does shift things out of the "normal" routine. Sometimes it causes some people to regroup and it takes awhile to get back to where you were. i'm glad to hear things are better. Best of luck to you!!

(in reply to sweetlindsey84)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: what happened - 11/22/2009 5:27:22 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		He is married, legally.  He purposely hid the nature of your relationship from his wife.  You may want to tread carefully until he fixes his domestic (legal) situation.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to VeeTee)
Profile   Post #: 40
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