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LafayetteLady -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 8:19:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DoNotKnow
I clicked on some of the links and he had them configured to save his password, so they logged right in. To be honest, the porn doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that he is out there searching for someone. I did ask him once if he was cheating on me, and he said that he was not. I don't think that he has actually met anyone in person and had sex with her. I do think that he has done things with his web cam and other people.
And yes, once I found the evidence the first time, even though it was an accident, I started looking for more evidence on purpose. Some people have said that I have a right to. To me, he was the one who cheated to begin with, so whatever I do after that is justified. I think he's an asshole and a cheater. He's certainly fucked up my feelings for him. How can I be intimate (emotionally, not sexually) with a man who is looking for other women? I don't know. I'm pretty screwed up over the whole thing.
You are going to get a lot of "holier than thou" thoughts on whether or not you had the right to look. An important thing everyone seems to be missing is that from your screen name, profile and such, it doesn't seem as though you and your husband are involved in an "alternate lifestyle" type of relationship, so most of their thoughts on "rules," "polyamory" and such mean absolutely nothing.
Look, no matter how you found out, you found out. Is it cheating? Yes that depends on your view. He is talking about sexual activities with another person, and not in the sense of what you and he would do together. He is sharing something you thought was just between the two of you with someone else. You are hurt (rightfully so) and came here looking to see if maybe there was something you were missing about about you found that would somehow make it "ok." There isn't. He violated your trust, he violated the vows you took and he disregarded your feelings and your heart. When that happens, does it really matter if he actually met the person or not.
As for those who say that your searching is wrong....it isn't. First of all, you are in a legally binding relationship and in California, it is a community property state. If you wanted to divorce him on grounds of adultery, you need proof, how the hell else would you get it? Ask him?!
Men and women who cheat on their partners will always try to excuse it. I love how someone can say they don't feel guilty because their partner wasn't meeting their needs so they had to look elsewhere. The concept of being a grown up and discussing it is usually too far out of the realm of their abilities. For those who claim, "but I did try to talk to them and it led me nowhere,"....then grow and set and leave to find what makes you happy.
There are so many ways to accidentally come upon the information in an accidental manner. Going through pockets? Husband asks wife to take his jacket to the dry cleaners and she is going through the pockets before taking it. Finds a piece of paper and looks at it to determine whether it is trash or something he might need. Hell maybe she even keeps his receipts in order to help with his business expense reports. That's just one reason she might be reading it. Once the information tells that person something is not quite right, they are going to look to see whether they are mistaken. Once they find that information, the trust is already broken and the hurt is already there. Better to delve deeper, usually in the hopes of finding out that there is an innocent explanation than the person you love has betrayed you.
I don't live with my significant other, but I regularly go through the cookies and history in my computer to see what my son has been doing. Am I violating his privacy? Many here will say that I am. However, it is MY computer, in MY house, with an internet connection that I pay for. Not only that, but there are millions of people out there who prey on teenagers and I will look out to make sure that doesn't happen, because sadly, my son doesn't have a great deal of common sense.
As for the OP, as I said before, it doesn't seem as though you are voluntarily in an alternate relationship, so a good amount of the advice you get here will be worthless and not apply to your situation. The most sensible thing I have seen is that if YOU feel it is cheating (which I and several others agree that it is), then YOU need to not only decide what you want to do about it, but be ready to act on your decision. Can your marriage be salvaged? That is up to you and him. I expect any discussions you have about it, he will say that since he hasn't actually met anyone in person, he isn't cheating. You will say that since he already violated your trust, you don't know if you can believe that he hasn't met anyone in person. But have the conversation anyway. Try to impress upon him how his activities have made you feel, and remind him that you feel that way whether or not it was his intention to make you feel that way or not. Just because he didn't think about how you would feel doesn't make your feelings less relevant. If you decide you want to attempt to work it out, remember that it will take a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of communication about rebuilding your trust and fixing what is wrong in the relationship. And that means work for both of you. If you want to work it out, you have to be prepared to put the incident behind you and not bring it up every time you disagree about something.
I wish you all the luck in the world. I know that you are hurting right now and justifiably so. Just don't make any impulsive decisions you will regret later. Take a deep breath, assess the situation and see what you want to do. If at any time you want to talk further or just vent, please feel free to message me on the other side. The most important thing to remember is that this is NOT the end of the world, and no matter what you decide to do, only you can know what is right for you.
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