Being Financially Responsible (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

ChainedExistence -> Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 11:16:13 AM)

Here's something I have known about myself for years- I have a very impulsive personality when it comes to spending money. I'm not talking about spending to the point where I am thousands of dollars in credit card debt, (I couldn't sleep at night if I let things get that far out of hand) but saving has always been EXREMELY difficult for me. It's like the money starts burning a hole in my pocket as soon as I get a little bit. In the past when emergencies came up, I had no funds to handle them, and I'd be in a panic. One of the things Master has been working on with me is helping me to become more fiscally responsible, and I've made small gains in the last year or so, but I still find my urge to spend almost impossible to suppress. Just this week, I was invited to go on a short trip with friends and my desire to go is overwhelming. I LOVE travel, and I've never really done that much. (see, here go the justifications...). Master is the voice in my head urging restraint and before I even mention it to him, I already knew he'd say, "you don't really need to go if it means pulling money out of your savings account." It IS a terrible time to go. I haven't budgeted for it, it's nearly Christmas, and I have some home repairs that I have been budgeting for that are coming up...but still, there's that voice in my head saying..."maybe you can find a way to swing the money.." It's really a testament to him and the way he deals with me that I probably won't go, (hear that continual wavering in there still?), but how do I get rid of that part of my personality that just NEEDS to spend the money and feels cheated when I don't? I don't want to be one of those people who die a rich millionaire, but has never enjoyed anything life has to offer either. Do any of you have radically different money personalities from your partner? Do you try to view it as part of your submission if you are spender, and your partner is the one who believes in saving money? (One note, we don't live together, so I am not spending any of his money). I really believe he has my best interests at heart, and he knows me better than anyone....but the urge to spend continues.................



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 11:20:19 AM)

One small clarification is necessary. Her "small trip" is a cruise. Ha



ChainedExistence -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 11:24:20 AM)

hey..but it's a cheap cruise......... and I said a Short trip, not a small one..haha



porcelaine -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 11:32:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChainedExistence

but how do I get rid of that part of my personality that just NEEDS to spend the money and feels cheated when I don't? I don't want to be one of those people who die a rich millionaire, but has never enjoyed anything life has to offer either. Do any of you have radically different money personalities from your partner? Do you try to view it as part of your submission if you are spender, and your partner is the one who believes in saving money? (One note, we don't live together, so I am not spending any of his money). I really believe he has my best interests at heart, and he knows me better than anyone....but the urge to spend continues.................


ChainedExistence,

When most people are trying to overcome a behavior pattern that has addictive qualities, the usual process is discovering what's underneath the act. Which requires you to probe your mind and heart about the real motivators for your need to spend and to determine where they stem from. The second part is making an honest assessment about the payoff and what you gain when behaving this way. You're getting something from it that goes beyond the material, otherwise you'd be able to curtail it on your own without outside prompting. The last part is personal responsibility and the realization of what you should be able to do on your own without someone else suggesting it instead. If the other party was no longer there what happens then? Your inability to elicit self control because doing so is within your best interest makes you largely dependent on the oversight instead.

On a personal note this is something I look at in a prospective mate. I have impeccable taste and have enjoyed my fair share of accoutrements. However, I'm able to differentiate between wants, needs, and I'll rarely pay full price anymore. Though that wasn't the case when I was younger. But maturity, discipline, and common sense have curtailed those habits. I also recognize that many shop because it feeds a need and it is little more than compensation for what's amiss when taken to excess. I'm thankful it isn't a point of contention for me. I have often found that ones ideologies and respect for money are directly related to their ability to fiscally responsible.

~porcelaine



DesFIP -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 11:36:29 AM)

Add a mad money savings account. Budget for home repairs, savings, Christmas like usual and add an extra amount that is for impulse spending.



Reform -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 12:02:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChainedExistence
Do any of you have radically different money personalities from your partner?
Do you try to view it as part of your submission if you are spender, and your partner is the one who believes in saving money? (One note, we don't live together, so I am not spending any of his money).
I really believe he has my best interests at heart, and he knows me better than anyone....but the urge to spend continues.................


I guess you could say I financially dominate my boy, as he does hand his pay checks over to me, however I do not really view it in the bdsm sense. It's not that my boy is bad at saving money, it's that I'm better at budgetting than he is. In our vanilla life as serious partners we need a budget. We have an apartment together, there's bills to be paid, and food to buy.

Do I think you should do something similar? No. I think you should break your bad habits with money. Overcome whatever it is in your personality that makes you desire spending money. Learn how to save better and more. The best thing my father ever taught me about money was that once it's in your savings account, it doesn't exist. You DO NOT spend your savings account unless it's an emergency. House repairs could be considered as an emergency, but not always. A cruise is definitely not an emergency.

Further, I believe that even as a submissive you have the responsibilty to care for yourself until you come under the care of a master (full time, live in). Once that happens, yes, perhaps having someone else care for your finances may benefit you, but in the meantime I do not think it's a wise idea.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 12:04:39 PM)

Normal people save up, for travel. So if you're saving up with that as a goal, be specific about when, where, how much you'll need, and then do that.

If your friends wanted you to come with them on this cruise, they should have invited you months ago so that you'd have had time to plan and save for it. Ask them to please do this next time, or invite them to come on the trip you're planning so that they'll have time to save and plan for it too.




maugseros -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 12:07:05 PM)

As has been said you have to get at the heart of the matter of why you feel you need to spend on things that arnt truely needs.


On the practical side, forget everything you've ever read or anything anyone has ever told you about budgeting. Because if you are over budget, you are over bugdet. It doesn't matter what catagory you are over budget in.

Learn to live off 60% of your income. That's all there is to it. Live off 60% of your income and you will never fret about money again. May sound impossible to some, but if you can't do it, you are living above your means (living in a house you can't afford, owning a car/boat you can't afford, or trying to live a champain lifestyle on a beer income).



GreedyTop -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 12:34:19 PM)

or how about not getting paid enough to meet each months bills completely?

CE.. I get what you're saying about impulsive.  I've pretty much killed my impulse spending out of necessity.  EVERY NOW AND THEN I allow myself a small splurge (a new book, for instance).

I still find myself robbing Peter to pay Paul, but thats because of my income. 

And maugseros.. I dont own a house or a boat, my car is a 93 blazer thats falling apart.  I just dont have the income to fully cover my BASIC BILLS each month.

IN this economy, I feel that more and more people are going to be finding themselves in the same position.



KatyLied -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 1:26:29 PM)

One solution to money woes is finding a second job.  I am fortunate to have found one that dovetails nicely with my full-time job, making it possible to work 2 jobs Monday thru Friday.  It has given me a skill-set in an industry that will always be around, plus I have additional benefits at my part-time job, such as limited health insurance and vacation time.  It also helps me think that I am a super hard worker and I know when I splurge on something I have really worked hard to earn it.



GreedyTop -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 1:28:57 PM)

I tired that, Katy. My current work schedule is NOT compatible with a second job. Plus I am limited by the fact that my back is seven kinds of fucked all to hell, so anything that requires me to be on my feet pretty much non-stop is out.

(benefits? wtf are benefits? LOL)


BUt for those who are not limited like I am, yeah, I agree



ChainedExistence -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 5:35:46 PM)

I make myself sound like a bit of a child, but I do work very hard, and I am in a high-stress job with long hours, and no overtime pay. I am a single parent and I don't have an ex forking out any child support, nor do I have the benefit of rich relatives who left me any start up funds. I put myself through college- earning two graduate degrees. I bought my own house, and paid for my one and only car that is now more than 7 years old. I don't buy expensive designer clothes nor do I have any jewelry worth anyone's time to steal. I clip coupons and ask for discounts. I have one credit card with a very low limit. It usually carries a balance, but no more than a couple of hundred dollars at any one time. I don't own the newest flat screen television, nor most other electronic devices that everyone seems to have these days. So, what am I impulse buying or spending my money on? My children get a lot of it, but I like to think I am giving them opportunities that are important-music lessons, sports, academic opportunities. I vacation EVERY summer-not to any exotic ports of call, usually it's to the nearby mountains or beach for about a week. I say it's sanity insurance for getting through another year. My kids and I eat out entirely too much, but I tend to work late nearly every day, and the last thing I want to do is stare at a sink full of dishes after dinner every night when I'm exhausted. I'm not much of a cook anyway,and I find it nice to get to spend that time talking to my children about what's going on with them. I am generous with friends and people I care about more than I have to be. I buy entirely too many Christmas presents, and I've been trying to make a conscious effort to cut down on that in the last few years. (It's supposed to be the thought that counts!). So, once in a while I just get the "gotta have thats"..like for this trip with friends, or something equally frivolous and it nearly makes me crazy. I KNOW I can't afford it...but suddenly it starts to feel like I'm denying myself of something that "everyone" else gets. It doesn't help that I work in a fairly wealthy community, so there is always lots of talk about people's trips to Europe, their new car, and so on. I feel like I am frugal in so many areas of my life and I still can't get "ahead"- one month, the car breaks down...another month there were lots of extra dental bills, another month the heater went out, another month it was air conditioner. Saving has been almost impossible, but I've really bitten the bullet because this is what I SHOULD do-whether it's hard or not. Still....I just want to blow money sometimes..go to some exotic location and drink little frou frou drinks out of a coconut, or install a pool in the backyard, or do something entirely WASTEFUL....cause shouldn't life just be EASY sometime??? Shouldn't you get to go on a trip and not care what the hotel rate is? THIS is when I feel childish and feel like I need someone to be that voice in my head telling me to be reasonable. Celeste had a good idea about Mad Money savings...maybe I should try that for when the " gotta haves" strike!



GreedyTop -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 5:51:51 PM)

quote:

I make myself sound like a bit of a child,


I dont think so at all.



Elisabella -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 6:00:24 PM)

Oh I soooooo know this feeling. I spend money a lot. I want stuff, so I get it.

My fiance isn't totally frugal, he does spend money but on different stuff...but he just made a rule of "no handbags without asking permission" even if I use my own money because at $500 a pop it adds up.

I'd urge your Dom to keep his foot down on this one...and I'd urge you to open a sub-account of your savings for stuff like this that might come up, so you have a bit of leeway in being able to spend money on frivolities, while limiting yourself to spending only what's in that sub-account.



GYPSYMAMBO -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 6:16:38 PM)

OP:
I want to read what you write..
can you put spaces in..for us old blind farts..?/[8D]

GM



antipode -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 6:52:58 PM)

quote:

Normal people save up, for travel.


I suppose you do not spend a lot of time looking at economic demographic statistics. Besides, who wants to be called "not normal", when asking for advice?



antipode -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/21/2009 7:00:52 PM)

quote:

but how do I get rid of that part of my personality that just NEEDS to spend the money and feels cheated when I don't?


Swing it - I sat by a friend's bedside, as he was dying from the brain tumor caused by malignant melanoma - totally unexpected, spot on his back, three months was all it took. He said to me: "You know what I regret? Everything I didn't do, because I always thought there'd be a next month, and now there isn't".

Spend time with friends, family, when you can. Saving is perhaps important when you're 18, but you are not at a point where you are going to suddenly save millions of dollars for your retirement.

Live. Enjoy.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/22/2009 6:46:01 AM)

when the money is burning a hole in your pocket, double up your bill payments, then there won't be any money to worry about and you'll be ahead of the game financially.

also, realize that those around you that live in those fancy houses, driving those fancy cars and having more stuff in one room than you've accumulated in a life-time just may not actually 'own' any of it when you subtract the debt from the total amount of assests.

just because you work for a living, doesn't mean you deserve to have more than you can afford, including vacations. then again, it's the american way itsn't it...spend what you can't afford, default on or die in debt and watch the entire fucking world economy collapse because of it?

i've got neighbors who live soley on welfare and mooching money to pay their next electric bill or to provide food for their kids, yet, when they get that money, the feel they deserve to rent a few movies, take a cab to the grocery store instead of the free ride that i offer them, etc. then they wonder why no one wants to help them when they're running short on food or can't afford to wash the clothes their kid needs to go to school. as a matter of fact, their son missed school this week because he had no clean clothes to wear, yet the pizza delivery man shows up at their front door every time they get their welfare check...

the way some people rationalize to themselves or others what they deserve or why they need to spend money that they don't have never ceases to amaze me!

what i do when i get a case of 'i deserve more' is find ways of bartering to save spending money and this year i went as far as taking something that i love and finding a way of making extra cash doing it; i made an extra $200 making and selling pies of thanksgiving. now, i can afford to something simple and nice for myself, as well as be able to bring my son home from college for the holiday




kyraofMists -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/22/2009 8:07:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

One small clarification is necessary. Her "small trip" is a cruise. Ha



LOL... that is cute



kyraofMists -> RE: Being Financially Responsible (11/22/2009 8:20:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

When most people are trying to overcome a behavior pattern that has addictive qualities, the usual process is discovering what's underneath the act. Which requires you to probe your mind and heart about the real motivators for your need to spend and to determine where they stem from. The second part is making an honest assessment about the payoff and what you gain when behaving this way. You're getting something from it that goes beyond the material, otherwise you'd be able to curtail it on your own without outside prompting. The last part is personal responsibility and the realization of what you should be able to do on your own without someone else suggesting it instead. If the other party was no longer there what happens then? Your inability to elicit self control because doing so is within your best interest makes you largely dependent on the oversight instead.



I can't add much more than what porcelaine said here. There is some benefit that you are getting out of spending the money. Once you figure out what that is and find a way to get that benefit in other ways, you won't 'need' to spend money.

Money is only the way the issue manifests itself and not the actual issue.

Now, to your questions... a requirement in our relationship is that he has authority over all our finances. It has been that way from day one even before we lived together. One of the first things I was required to do was create a list of all my expenses, debts and what I made. He then made me a budget that I had to stick to and track all of my spending and then send it to him at the end of the month.

Now that I have moved in, the spreadsheets have stopped and we now track all of the spending on one software. He still makes all the decisions on how money will be spent. It has been this way for so long that I don't know anymore if we have different spending habits. My spending habits are ask him; I don't ask for much anymore so it is rare that he says no, but he will if the money is needed for other things.

I honestly cannot seperate his authority in my life from who I am and say whether we are different or not in our habits. Some may view this as a loss of self, but I find it peaceful.

Knight's Kyra



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125